Difficult day today filled with much drama and extreme worry. As I had anticipated, AD relationship has gone from bad to worse. I did involve myself to the extent of calling the police this afternoon following a text from her that he had thrown her keys to her vehicle in the bushes when she attempted to leave the premises to escape the verbal abuse then proceeded to follow her down the street as she was walking away, at one point driving up on the sidewalk trying to get her to get in the car. . She is thankfully safe for tonight. I had planned a nice trip out there to visit with her in two days but now I am dreading it all. Due to safety reasons she will likely have to relocate from there and housing is in extreme shortage where she lives. For tonight she is staying with her sponsor, she is safe and I am grateful. I am praying she has the strength she requires to end this. She is a smart, intelligent girl whom unfortunately has handed over her esteem and confidence to another person. Horrifying to watch as a mother. I have to accept my powerlessness, she is an adult and we will continue to love and support her as parents. I cannot fix, nor manage this as hard as that is to accept. I know it to be true. Thanks for listening
hotrod said
Nov 13, 2017
((Serenity)) I am so sorry that your daughter is enduring such treatment. Sending positive thoughts and prayers to you and your family
milkwood said
Nov 14, 2017
(((((Serenity))))) Good to hear that your daughter is safe tonight, I'm sad that she is suffering this craziness. So difficult to know it is happening to someone who you love without sharing in their pain and confusion. Keep breathing!
a4l said
Nov 14, 2017
I have found in life, there is always hope. Well done for bringing the fear here to allow yourself some much needed support and comfort. I tend to be either a warrior or a worryer, and the in between space of just letting myself be a human being, reaching out to others and to nature which is where I find my HP, always helps me to reconnect with hope. It is my wish for you that the day may bring you some small moment of peace from all the worries. It is very clear to me that your mother heart is working hard, loves deeply and is distressed. Remember that you too, deserve rest and care and love, and that is within your power. Keep coming back, hugs.
lookingup said
Nov 14, 2017
((((Serenity))))) lu
serenity47 said
Nov 14, 2017
I guess I spoke to soon. To my horror I spoke with her by text briefly last night and she did not go to her sponsors but was driving around considering going "home" I can only imagine the threats of self harm, long winded nauseating apologies he is spewing as is the pattern of abusive behaviour in him. I plan to go to see her as planned but will not be staying at their place they have together but will pay for a hotel room instead. It is not good for me to be around him because frankly I want to rip his head off and I do not trust myself at this point to not lose control as I am so angry. I will continue to encourage my daughter to leave and that she does not have to live this way. It is so hard to understand when she has such huge family support to leave the situation. I will however not allow him to further isolate her from us and will keep the connection with her until my last breath. She states that she has not been drinking, I pray not. I did my best to sleep last night and have to work this am. I am feeling very exhausted by it all, so am really trying to work on my own self care at the moment.
hotrod said
Nov 14, 2017
((Serenity)) sending prayers with you.
Iamhere said
Nov 14, 2017
(((Serenity))) - I too am sending positive thoughts and prayers your way. I wish you safe travels for your trip and understand your anger. Know that we are here as best we can be. Stay safe.
_bunny_ said
Nov 14, 2017
((serenity47)) Im so sorry to hear youre going through this. I know for me when Im going through an intense bout of chaos it is important I stay in close conscious contact with my HP. Staying present and patiently waiting for my prayers to be answered can be a challenge when my mind likes to project to the what ifs. I like to step up my self care when this happens, go to the gym to release my anger, talk to a program friend, read my literature etc...I too am sending prayers your way.
milkwood said
Nov 15, 2017
(((((Serenity47))))) . Wishing you peace and the continued focus to take good care of yourself.
When friends told me that I should leave my marriage I found that my thinking became more fixed - it wasn't logical on my part, just a determination to try and stick with and try to protect what I thought it was that I wanted. My friends must have found it sooooo frustrating!! One of the tools of my determination was, of course, denial. I could see that my situation was crazy but I refused to see why it might not get better. If only... if only.... if only...! When I experienced people accepting me and my situation I started to find it easier to see myself and what I was putting myself through. It sounds so easy written down, but of course it was difficult and took an age but eventually I could adjust to a new view of myself that enabled me to be more flexible. Exploring my situation, and then my choices, for myself with the help of accepting and listening others helped no end.
I think that your solution to go ahead with your trip and stay in a hotel is genius and I find myself wondering if the hotel might have a spa?!! Safe travels and (((((hugs)))))
serenity47 said
Nov 15, 2017
Thank you everyone for your supportive replies. I'm working on not pressuring her as I know that is completely ineffective and only adds to her stress. We had paid for a counsellor whom of course advised her to leave the relationship (not what she wanted to hear so she did not go back) It is incredibly hard to watch your daughter subject herself to abuse. Crazy making really. Her Dad wants to tear him apart of course and protect his daughter so I have been trying to reason with him to step back and pause. I have packed my yoga mat as I am sure I will be needing plenty of that to diffuse and my bathing suit to go to spa/pool. Massage appointment made for the two of us. I know her higher power is with her and I just keep praying that he will keep her safe and that mine will keep me sane.
-- Edited by serenity47 on Wednesday 15th of November 2017 12:04:12 PM
Jerry F said
Nov 15, 2017
Serenity, when I understood that "they are us" too my experiences cleared my thinking and then my behavior. When I could absolutely admit I was and am powerless and then listen to the fellowship say the same I knew where my friends and family in the disease were. This is a "we" program...they are us. I love your title for this post cause that reminds me of "step' work. ((((hugs))))
serenity47 said
Nov 16, 2017
Thank you Jerry . You are right, "they are us" . I am digging deep to find some compassion for him as a person, for his Mom , family etc as he is also a child of God and I strive to hate and judge no one. It is really really difficult when my daughter is being hurt. Right now the best I am able to do is carry that thought in my head. It hasn't yet traveled to my heart, but my anger is subsiding as I accept my powerlessness. One thinks that when the addictive substance is removed from the scenario all will be well. Not true! For now I will keep myself at a distance from him so the temptation to hurl words and unload my grief will not present itself as I do not want to say anything that I will regret. The only action I will take is involving the authorities as necessary for everyones safety. I plan to visit with my daughter at my hotel and go out and enjoy some fun things together to continue to grow our relationship. I cherish every moment I get to spend with her in sobriety.
-- Edited by serenity47 on Thursday 16th of November 2017 12:29:52 AM
Maresie said
Nov 16, 2017
Well one of the tools in al anon is when someone is looking at leaving someone is to make a plan b. What are the resources they need in order to leave
I know for a long long long time the resource I.wanted was for the ex A to get better. He might get better fir a while bit then he went back. Somehow that spate of periods of intermittemt helpfulness and #remorse# would make me recommit on another level.
Focusing on what your daughter needs is something thatnmight help. There are counselors who might be willing to go that route too. Of course it is obvious what she needs is to leave him but there are steps before someone gets to that point. One is to raise their self esteem, validate their strengths, encourage their interests, seek out support, look to learn new skills.
Sobriety is an excellent point to be going from. There are resources within a sober community to lean on, women's meetings, sponsor's. There are of course numerous books on codependency and boundaries that are also helpful.
The #leave leave leave# maxim was not necessarily that helpful for me. Being #heard#, being accepted, hearing others talk about their own struggles helped.
I have a friend right now who continues to stay in a very abusive relationship. I have had to put a lot of effort into accepting that choice. I know I was not necessarily that helpful to her when I.didnt accept it. I know I have to work really hard at looking at what my boundaries can be around her. Lovingnsomeone who chooses to put themselves in that place is very difficult.
Difficult day today filled with much drama and extreme worry. As I had anticipated, AD relationship has gone from bad to worse. I did involve myself to the extent of calling the police this afternoon following a text from her that he had thrown her keys to her vehicle in the bushes when she attempted to leave the premises to escape the verbal abuse then proceeded to follow her down the street as she was walking away, at one point driving up on the sidewalk trying to get her to get in the car. . She is thankfully safe for tonight. I had planned a nice trip out there to visit with her in two days but now I am dreading it all. Due to safety reasons she will likely have to relocate from there and housing is in extreme shortage where she lives. For tonight she is staying with her sponsor, she is safe and I am grateful. I am praying she has the strength she requires to end this. She is a smart, intelligent girl whom unfortunately has handed over her esteem and confidence to another person. Horrifying to watch as a mother. I have to accept my powerlessness, she is an adult and we will continue to love and support her as parents. I cannot fix, nor manage this as hard as that is to accept. I know it to be true. Thanks for listening
I guess I spoke to soon. To my horror I spoke with her by text briefly last night and she did not go to her sponsors but was driving around considering going "home" I can only imagine the threats of self harm, long winded nauseating apologies he is spewing as is the pattern of abusive behaviour in him. I plan to go to see her as planned but will not be staying at their place they have together but will pay for a hotel room instead. It is not good for me to be around him because frankly I want to rip his head off and I do not trust myself at this point to not lose control as I am so angry. I will continue to encourage my daughter to leave and that she does not have to live this way. It is so hard to understand when she has such huge family support to leave the situation. I will however not allow him to further isolate her from us and will keep the connection with her until my last breath. She states that she has not been drinking, I pray not. I did my best to sleep last night and have to work this am. I am feeling very exhausted by it all, so am really trying to work on my own self care at the moment.
((Serenity)) sending prayers with you.
When friends told me that I should leave my marriage I found that my thinking became more fixed - it wasn't logical on my part, just a determination to try and stick with and try to protect what I thought it was that I wanted. My friends must have found it sooooo frustrating!! One of the tools of my determination was, of course, denial. I could see that my situation was crazy but I refused to see why it might not get better. If only... if only.... if only...! When I experienced people accepting me and my situation I started to find it easier to see myself and what I was putting myself through. It sounds so easy written down, but of course it was difficult and took an age but eventually I could adjust to a new view of myself that enabled me to be more flexible. Exploring my situation, and then my choices, for myself with the help of accepting and listening others helped no end.
I think that your solution to go ahead with your trip and stay in a hotel is genius and I find myself wondering if the hotel might have a spa?!! Safe travels and (((((hugs)))))
Thank you everyone for your supportive replies. I'm working on not pressuring her as I know that is completely ineffective and only adds to her stress. We had paid for a counsellor whom of course advised her to leave the relationship (not what she wanted to hear so she did not go back) It is incredibly hard to watch your daughter subject herself to abuse. Crazy making really. Her Dad wants to tear him apart of course and protect his daughter so I have been trying to reason with him to step back and pause. I have packed my yoga mat as I am sure I will be needing plenty of that to diffuse and my bathing suit to go to spa/pool. Massage appointment made for the two of us. I know her higher power is with her and I just keep praying that he will keep her safe and that mine will keep me sane.
-- Edited by serenity47 on Wednesday 15th of November 2017 12:04:12 PM
Serenity, when I understood that "they are us" too my experiences cleared my thinking and then my behavior. When I could absolutely admit I was and am powerless and then listen to the fellowship say the same I knew where my friends and family in the disease were. This is a "we" program...they are us. I love your title for this post cause that reminds me of "step' work. ((((hugs))))
Thank you Jerry . You are right, "they are us" . I am digging deep to find some compassion for him as a person, for his Mom , family etc as he is also a child of God and I strive to hate and judge no one. It is really really difficult when my daughter is being hurt. Right now the best I am able to do is carry that thought in my head. It hasn't yet traveled to my heart, but my anger is subsiding as I accept my powerlessness. One thinks that when the addictive substance is removed from the scenario all will be well. Not true! For now I will keep myself at a distance from him so the temptation to hurl words and unload my grief will not present itself as I do not want to say anything that I will regret. The only action I will take is involving the authorities as necessary for everyones safety. I plan to visit with my daughter at my hotel and go out and enjoy some fun things together to continue to grow our relationship. I cherish every moment I get to spend with her in sobriety.
-- Edited by serenity47 on Thursday 16th of November 2017 12:29:52 AM
Well one of the tools in al anon is when someone is looking at leaving someone is to make a plan b. What are the resources they need in order to leave
I know for a long long long time the resource I.wanted was for the ex A to get better. He might get better fir a while bit then he went back. Somehow that spate of periods of intermittemt helpfulness and #remorse# would make me recommit on another level.
Focusing on what your daughter needs is something thatnmight help. There are counselors who might be willing to go that route too. Of course it is obvious what she needs is to leave him but there are steps before someone gets to that point. One is to raise their self esteem, validate their strengths, encourage their interests, seek out support, look to learn new skills.
Sobriety is an excellent point to be going from. There are resources within a sober community to lean on, women's meetings, sponsor's. There are of course numerous books on codependency and boundaries that are also helpful.
The #leave leave leave# maxim was not necessarily that helpful for me. Being #heard#, being accepted, hearing others talk about their own struggles helped.
I have a friend right now who continues to stay in a very abusive relationship. I have had to put a lot of effort into accepting that choice. I know I was not necessarily that helpful to her when I.didnt accept it. I know I have to work really hard at looking at what my boundaries can be around her. Lovingnsomeone who chooses to put themselves in that place is very difficult.
Maresie