I had a breakup for the books with A ex bf.  I moved on to date someone who is a non drinker. We have a wonderful time together.. it has been 2 years since I saw my ex. I cut all contact with him. He trailed off on trying to contact me this Jan. 

If you had asked me then what was going to happen to him, I would have said he would have had a major spill or died by now.  He was so out of control then. Unmanageable. He surprisingly is dating someone 10 years younger than us, who is a college student I am guessing, and for a year and a half everything for them seems to be amazing. Social networking, word of mouth through friends. Meh. I don't know how much of that I believe, b/c I know how much I suffered in private but I am  down on myself b/c I am wondering now how much of it was me. Im baffled how this is possible when I dealt with stuff that made me have breakdowns. Vomit, lying, erratic behavior. Blame,. Apparently our mutual best friends and his family who I was close with love this girl, and say that "He seems to be doing good with the drinking now (ok?) and seems to be happy!" Is there really a right person for an alcoholic? A compatible person? Other than another alcoholic? I am so baffled. I'm questioning everything I thought I knew about this disease, and wondering how people are stupid enough around him to believe he can "do better with his drinking" and control it up and down. THat's baloney. 

He was the love of my life. I have a very fulfilling relationship with someone who I could marry now, and it doesn't have any of the bad I had with him. It is nice. Peaceful. I don't think about him everyday anymore, but once in a while I truly miss what we had. It was very magical. If he is truly happy with her, I am happy for him. Our friends knew us to be very off and on, bc his drinking caused us to have so many arguments. They seem to be steady and solid, - good! Perhaps people deal with these problems differently, and the way I dealt with it was more reactive and explosive? Maybe she can manage it in private, and act like it isn't that bad. All I know is alcoholism IS bad.. It was horrible to live that way.. I felt trapped. I am confused how he managed to hold down and convince our friends he has a decent relationship going. He was an utter mess when I left. I am wondering how much of it was my fault.

-- Edited by giraffe13 on Monday 13th of November 2017 02:00:07 AM

-- Edited by giraffe13 on Monday 13th of November 2017 02:00:47 AM

(((Giraffe)) Good to hear from you. I am happy to read that you are in a supportive relationship and taking care of yourself.  Please remember that alcoholism is a progressive ,chronic disease for which there is no cure.

I have learned that I cannot compare my insides with other peoples outsides-- It does not work. Just maybe his new GF has been attending alanon for many years and is using that to help her to detach and take care of herself I suggest that you continue your meetings so as to resolve your concerns.

i hear you. i do not know. you do not know. i think living without knowing some things is just difficult and painful. it can also be that he is more functional now than before, in recovery, whether temporarily or permanently. could be their relationship is in a magical honeymoon period. but i don't think it's fully knowable, because we never know what's happening behind closed doors. we only can know ourselves... so i also don't know if you are acknowledging something truthful about you and your experience, or if you are blaming yourself for something that was really not your fault about the dynamic and downfall of that relationship.

i can say that i've been in hell trying to "figure out" the many twists and turns of my recently ended relationship. not fun. glad to hear you're in a stable and happy partnership now.

Hi Giraffe,

Welcome back. I hope you'll keep coming back to share your recovery here. Firstly, the ending of the relationship with your exabf wasn't you're "fault." Nobody is at fault. To Keep It Simple, relationships end when two people aren't right for one another. Your feelings aren't at all unusual though. So many of us wonder if someone else is now having that "happy" life with our exa we didn't get. There are lots of posts here about this very thing. It's human nature to reflect and wonder "if only." Listen... you make some very good points in my humble opinion. Family and friends could very well not be looking at your ex with open eyes - with the eyes of recovery like you are. 

This is a program of self focus, pointing the finger inward. That's a good thing because it includes looking at what we could have done better or might do better in the future. But it's also very life affirming to look at yourself and where you are today. I hope you'll fully embrace the serenity you have today. The serenity you chose to give yourself through getting healthier and inviting healthier relationships to be a part your life today. It's always our job as Alanons to look at why we choose to let someone take up space in our head. For me, old feelings resurfacing is ok but if I linger too long with it, I need to inventory why that is because it can almost become an out of body experience. I'm no longer present in my life when I linger too long. I'm focused on that obsessive thought of why this or why that. One obsessive thought feeds on the next, the way one drink leads to another for an active A. Using the 3rd step prayer is a good tool for returning to the present. 

You're hp's got you, Giraffe. You felt physically and emotionally ill with your exabf. I've known that feeling. Then Alanon taught me that feeling is nudge from hp that a person, place or thing isn't good for me. It can mean there's something in myself to work on. But most importantly, it means I need to remove myself to safety for now until I can work it out within myself. Meanwhile, hp keeps sending me lessons that remind me to keep loving myself. You have a relationship that feels much better for you now, a fulfilling and happy one. Maybe you're done some spiritual and emotional work and this is the reward. Maybe the real love of your life is really you? ((hugs))) TT

Alcohol8cs survive by creating this mieage.   They look.gpod, they have it all togethet.  They throw shade. 

They are very very.very good at it.  My youngee sister.has been in a long relationshio.  She has two children.  Everything is very skillfully hidden.  She throws shade on others. 

Only.when you are with.her a while do you.see the cracks. 

Alcphpl9cs in general are very.good at.throwing people up against each other.  I would say even in my own family no one saw how adept my.suster was at doing  certain things.

Having al.anon under your belt means you.dont.doybt your perceptions.   Having a long successful relationship is hard work thete are lots of ups and downs.  With.an alcohol8c it is like a rolker coaster.  Roller.coasters are fun to ride once or twice a year but everyday us another matter. 

Ine grear.thing about my having adopted a program is I d9nt doubt mt oerceptions.  I know my reality. No obe can tell me wgat my reality is.  Alcoholics are partoculatly good at a phenomenon calked gaslighting.  They can convince a  lot of people you are the problem.  You are the instigator.  You are the sole reason for whatever is the symptom.  That convincing can take its toll. 

My ex A probably had many.conversations with his mothet anout what a problem I was.  That id.the way they work. 

One of the great.gifrs if the program is that I am no longer devadtated by what others think of me. 

One of.my.friends committed suicide last year.  Accirding to hin he had a grwat relationship, they were a very.successful couple with a high income, beautiful home, great vacations the whole oackage. 

When I.dug.deeper this year I found there were lots of cracks in the package.  I.didnt.share that observation.with other people I know. I just had to make the observation.for myself. 

If your ex wants to covey an image of life is wonderful you.can detach in.every bit the same way as you.detached when he made your life hell.  Detaching is not just.for when times aew hell.  Detaching is a way for you to take a step back.   Then you can go through your own process. 

In generak when we are around an alcoholic we dont get to do the process in.a groip.  Other people may have varying degree's of denial.and collusion with an alcoholic.  

For me these days the priority is.my iown process, other people do not have to agree with me.   The process is for me.not to have everyone on the same page as me. 

Publuc perception is very important to my.younger sistet. 

When I stopped gossiping with her about other family members she was no longer interested in what I had to say.  

That is as far as she got.  I went on.a different route. 

I.dont throw shade on her.  I kniw where exactly alcoholism goes.  I.see it day in day out.   There is no escaping where alcoholism eventually takes people. 

I used to spend a lot of time wondering about my.ex's. 

This padt year I learnt two of them died.  Both of them from diseases that are the result of addiction.  Their family's made it all look goid.  Other people talk about how #great# they were. 

.

As I have al.anon.I.dont.doubt my perception of where alcoholism goes.  Some people do indeed choose to stay with.an alcohol8c.  One of my ex's was indeed someone who was #in recovery#  i know without  shred of doubt they had a very cery very hard life.  

I was attracted to alcoholucs because they were very very very good at looking good, being fun and (it is difficult to say.this) blaming otjers.  Now I am not attractef to that.  I can see beyond the mirage.  I also no longer blame others for my problems.  I.had my own part.in it.  

Maresie 

Hi Giraffe.

I would encourage you to keep in mind that this is all second-hand information which is excellent for speculation but worthless for actually knowing what is going on with someone. Even if you were seeing him everyday and he looked great it still wouldn't be a true picture of his life. I think you made decisions that were right for you, you detached and found a healthy relationship. We all played parts in our relationships and Al-Anon helps us to see which actions were counterproductive. 

Hello Hotrod! Hello Everyone it is very good to be posting, especially after doing well for awhile now: )!!

Well on a very positive note, can I just say the person I ended up with after 5 years of battling with an A is just a blessing. He is both my friend and partner in love. He was also very caring and patient, knowing I came from an A relationship. I used to wake up int he morning afraid of what mood he would be in, peeking at him wondering. I eventually grew out of all those scared tendencies, and he is a wonderful, strong, caring man, who is wonderful to my mother and the three of us spend time together which is so nice! He has a ton of time for me, b/c he does not drink, and he remembers things, prioritizes my feelings, I truly understand HOW MUCH alcohol takes away the person we love. Most importantly, I have realized that even our worst times, our hardest times, are not as hard as the ones you spend with an alcoholic. I am not an emotional disaster!! yes! : )

I do have doubt and fear sometimes and reflect on my past which is probably not worth doing! I did a fair amount :) of praying, and detachment work, meetings, books, I truly worked my butt off to pull away from my ex boyfriend. I knew that was a dead end. I remember clearly feeling when it simply was not me, I was just dealing with an addict. period.

I forget that now! so hard to remember that feeling! But I remember all the scary nights of over drinking, lying, and all the things I am so happy to have now that I lived so long without. Thank you so much for reminding me that I cannot compare my insides to other people's outsides! A counselor used to always remind me of this... I have forgotten that. That is exactly what I am doing.

I know I did contribute to us not working out, but ultimately we really could not fairly experience dating like I am experiencing it now. The dark cloud of booze was always above us, pouring rain. I couldn't see or tell anything and in the end I left b/c I could not live that way one more day. I was okay to say, "let this be someone else's problem, it cannot be mine anymore."

yes tired tonight, I am fully embracing what I have now. I am very aware of the good moves I made to get here, and so grateful. I would not be here without al anon or this forum. I hope someone does read this tonight and sees what I wrote about my current partner and thinks, wow that is possible. That CAN be me. Even though I felt he was the love of my life I would not go back to what that was, b/c he was a roller coaster and i am so much happier now. I enjoy all the things I wish we could have, and more. I don't think about him everyday anymore, and things that used to tear me apart, don't even dent me now. Progress! I like my health steady, my days calm, and I still get excited over spending time with the wonderful person I found now. :) Thank you for the reminder. I had to get that out. Touching base here does keep me on a steady path. Much love to you all.

He has a ton of time for me, b/c he does not drink, and he remembers things, prioritizes my feelings, I truly understand HOW MUCH alcohol takes away the person we love. (i needed this line too . ) this extends beyond the addict for me and is helpful .. going to read and reread thank you ..

it's a breath of fresh air to read of you with another you can grow with .. i still get those calls from my ex but i am seeing today they serve as reminders of the freedom and grattitude in being out .. even while another just steps in my place .. i am angry sometimes that another will have to go through it 'too .. ironically i am discovering i actually 'care about the next girl's pain too .. who knew .. but i do ..  when we often hear our alanon saying that we are as sick as our secrets . i realise the new person is unaware of what we went through for 14 years .. that's 14 more years of 'secrets he carries inside him which like me before her this person knows nothing of .. they will have their own struggles that are truly none of my busyness but i have learned by experience too that addiction isn't 'free .. there are always  very 'hidden real costs .. i used to think i was jealous of him finding someone new .. nope today i know it is not about jealousy .. now i know his being with someone new isn't what i want for him and it isn't what i want for the new girl .. what i want for him is to finally have a relationship with himself and his higher power .. finally get honest and heal .. that's what I want but at the end of the day it's all about what he wants .. i don't get to have a say .. but .. who knows .. maybe he's heading in that direction .. do know for me that even when i was in my own darkest moments and seemingly going nowhere .. i was ironically still heading in this direction and on the path to recovery ..

wishing you both the very best .. great sharing .. you read very healthy .. hope to get healthier here too .. still moving through the chaos ..

this is so great to read. i'm really happy for you.

that battle you mention... yes. when describing my battle, i've said it's been like having a front row seat to a personal tragedy. meaning, his. watching the A's life slowly, steadily, and then fiercely fall apart. witnessing all the disaster. and then i realized it's me, too. his life was intertwined with mine and i was hoping and planning for a future together. until i had to give up. so i have my own healing and recovery to go through.

i'm very grateful for al-anon and this forum also. thank you for sharing again.