So, Im still living with my STBXAH. Hes staying at our house during the holidays and moving out in the New Year. He has gone entirely underground with his drinking. This is a guy who doesnt pick up after himself for 20 years, and now I havent seen an empty beer can for months and theres nothing noticeable in the recycling bin in the kitchen. I dont go snooping around, its just that he was always so obvious and even proud of how much beer he coukd drink. Even the beer fridge in our garage has no beer in it, ever. I dont see him much, and havent seen him obviously drunk in a couple months.
so yeah, I guess this isnt my business anymore but I am still wondering: what on earth is he doing? Is this the disease progressing? For some reason this is really bothering me. Please Remind me why it shouldnt. Thanks.
beth
Lyne said
Nov 11, 2017
BBB-Once someone on the board said, if you know the answer to a question, why ask it? I thought these were real words of wisdom, and try to practice this advice. I have learned to focus on myself, what I need to be doing, how I can make the best use out of the day I have, and accept that I cannot control (nor understand) the self-abuse of others. I need to not abuse myself, and the endless worry and speculation has ended up hurting me. I try to take charge by doing best I can for myself, and by using my Alanon tools, I can set myself free. Keep coming back, Lyne
Iamhere said
Nov 11, 2017
Hey Beth....I know around here, there is a part of me that get's curious, paranoid and maybe a few other things when something changes. I still can begin to want to explore, ask, snoop, wonder, project about it - it's the old patterns/habits in me that want to resurface - if you will, my part of the disease.
What I've been told and now try to hold tight to is anytime, for any reason, when I am focused on another person, place or thing, I am directly affecting my own serenity and sanity. So - when I feel discontent or troubled, I seriously go into stealth program mode - book, literature, meetings, phone call - whatever feels right to get me back to putting me first and focusing on me.
In AA, we often say that the program changes the drinking for one who needs recovery. What this means is once one is confronted, and possibly attends a meeting, the wonder if one is an alcoholic changes the drink, the drinking and the patterns. So - denial raises up and we (A's) will do silly things like ... only drink in private, only drink in evenings, only drink on weekends, count how many, only drink at home, etc.
For my recovery in Al-Anon, I do all that I can to not worry/wonder what they are doing. For me it just starts the circling thinking that goes no place good. It can't be easy to share a residence and work on recovery. If ever One Day at a Time made sense, perhaps this is one of those times! Know that what he's doing very well could be part of his disease and what you are wondering is much a part of yours. The best thing about recovery is we get to decide how much energy, time, etc. we will spend considering what another is doing, thinking, etc. (((Hugs))) - you got this as you already have awareness and acceptance!!
mamalioness said
Nov 11, 2017
I go through the "need to know" stuff when I really should be in the "need to learn" mode...need to learn keeps me level., open, looking at what is within the circle around my feet and not worrying about what I am not in control of.....I used to be like that...had to know what he was doing, if I saw a change, I just "had to know" whats up, till I got tired of spending my energy on stuff I have zero power over.....its hard, but old habits and ways of thinking CAN be changed with good work on self...being open, willing and honest is something we "grow" when we work a steady program....Keep coming back.....
PosiesandPuppies said
Nov 12, 2017
Beth, wow, that can't be easy, living with your AH, knowing that he is going to soon be your ex... and trying to work your program. I think he's gonna try and fool ya with his good behavior. Good thing you have your program tools! YOU are what matters. Forget about his side of the street, but enjoy the cleaner house! LOL!
Jerry F said
Nov 12, 2017
Aloha Beth...only one of the parts of my recovery is practicing living in the moment; in the day. I couldn't do that while checking up on my alcoholic/addict wife. When I was checking up on her I was driven by the past and the future both of which I used to justify my checking up and then what I found out was that I was being controlled again by the disease and I hated being controlled by anything, anyone. Ours is a 24 hour program and I like that permission...just one hours at a time for one day. (((hugs)))
mamalioness said
Nov 12, 2017
(((Jerry))) I just love your cuddly bear....I want to hug him!!!! Love stuffed animals.......He looks like he is really at peace, living in the moment, one day at a time.....GOOD JOB, Mr. Bear!!!!!
Hi MIP family -
So, Im still living with my STBXAH. Hes staying at our house during the holidays and moving out in the New Year. He has gone entirely underground with his drinking. This is a guy who doesnt pick up after himself for 20 years, and now I havent seen an empty beer can for months and theres nothing noticeable in the recycling bin in the kitchen. I dont go snooping around, its just that he was always so obvious and even proud of how much beer he coukd drink. Even the beer fridge in our garage has no beer in it, ever. I dont see him much, and havent seen him obviously drunk in a couple months.
so yeah, I guess this isnt my business anymore but I am still wondering: what on earth is he doing? Is this the disease progressing? For some reason this is really bothering me. Please Remind me why it shouldnt. Thanks.
beth
What I've been told and now try to hold tight to is anytime, for any reason, when I am focused on another person, place or thing, I am directly affecting my own serenity and sanity. So - when I feel discontent or troubled, I seriously go into stealth program mode - book, literature, meetings, phone call - whatever feels right to get me back to putting me first and focusing on me.
In AA, we often say that the program changes the drinking for one who needs recovery. What this means is once one is confronted, and possibly attends a meeting, the wonder if one is an alcoholic changes the drink, the drinking and the patterns. So - denial raises up and we (A's) will do silly things like ... only drink in private, only drink in evenings, only drink on weekends, count how many, only drink at home, etc.
For my recovery in Al-Anon, I do all that I can to not worry/wonder what they are doing. For me it just starts the circling thinking that goes no place good. It can't be easy to share a residence and work on recovery. If ever One Day at a Time made sense, perhaps this is one of those times! Know that what he's doing very well could be part of his disease and what you are wondering is much a part of yours. The best thing about recovery is we get to decide how much energy, time, etc. we will spend considering what another is doing, thinking, etc. (((Hugs))) - you got this as you already have awareness and acceptance!!
I go through the "need to know" stuff when I really should be in the "need to learn" mode...need to learn keeps me level., open, looking at what is within the circle around my feet and not worrying about what I am not in control of.....I used to be like that...had to know what he was doing, if I saw a change, I just "had to know" whats up, till I got tired of spending my energy on stuff I have zero power over.....its hard, but old habits and ways of thinking CAN be changed with good work on self...being open, willing and honest is something we "grow" when we work a steady program....Keep coming back.....
Aloha Beth...only one of the parts of my recovery is practicing living in the moment; in the day. I couldn't do that while checking up on my alcoholic/addict wife. When I was checking up on her I was driven by the past and the future both of which I used to justify my checking up and then what I found out was that I was being controlled again by the disease and I hated being controlled by anything, anyone. Ours is a 24 hour program and I like that permission...just one hours at a time for one day. (((hugs)))