I've been through some pretty serious inner turmoil this week, but yesterday brought something very important to the forefront of my mind, something I'd been hiding from since I was 10 or 11. I'm very grateful that my recent pain and worry has brought me to this, and I think this might be the first time I'm truly 100% grateful for pain I experienced.
I admitted to myself that all my interactions with other people have been tinted with my desire to make a certain impression about myself, whatever it might be at any given moment. I kind of knew I was doing it, but I never really, honestly accepted what I was doing. I imagine it like a wall I made between myself and everyone else, me a bit tense behind it, defensive. Like, I have this little place inside my mind and eyes that always watches (from behind the wall) how everybody else is reacting to me and helps determine my actions and words accordingly in order to achieve the effect that seems to be desirable at the time.
I've accepted I'm doing it, and I've been doing it practically all the time for almost 20 years. I'm proud of myself for admitting this to myself, and grateful to the program for bringing me to a better understanding of myself. Only now that I've accepted this fact am I able to do begin to do something about it. One thing I'm doing now is trying to think a lot about this and write about this, and try to do things differently, because I have a feeling if I don't continue to explore this, I might "forget" what I learned because my wall has provided me safety for very long it might well be not that difficult to convince myself I still need it, and then forget I'm hiding behind it again. Like in "1984" - the protagonist made himself forget what he knew, and then made himself forget that he forgot, or something along these lines.
So I had this epiphany yesterday and I've been experimenting with dropping my wall. I can do it for some relatively short period of time, but I slip back into my familiar pattern pretty soon. Its second nature to me. I'm thinking about why I have made this defence and what I accomplish with its help. I can see that one reason is my desire to control the response to me from EVERYONE I encounter (yeah...). Which I'm actually powerless over. There's also this desire to be liked by everyone, another motive for doing it. And another is that I feel very vulnerable when I drop my "shield". Its pretty scary. But I also feel kind of less tense inside when I manage to do it.
Even as I write this post, I still want to create a certain impression of myself, so I tell myself "I'm trying to make a certain impression of myself", which makes this need float away for a little while, before it comes back.
Maybe, to some extent, the desire to make a certain impression of myself is normal, a part of social interaction, but if it is, I'm still overdoing it. Or maybe this is my old defense mechanism trying to find reasons to stay put.
I also wonder if in my today's experiments I've been going overboard with stopping monitoring everyone else. I suppose this watchful attitude/behavior is just what is needed, for example, when going home late at night and passing some dodgy guy in an empty street or something, and I shouldn't try to get rid of it all together. I guess. But in everyday situations which are thankfully very rarely potentially life-threatening for me this protection is hindering me from being as much me as I can be, I suppose.
This is all so new, I'm pretty confused. I would appreciate your ESH on this topic. :)
Grateful member of Alanon :)
Iamhere said
Nov 10, 2017
Hey Aline - great awareness. For me, I had all kinds of habits that literally blocked me from healthy growth. Most I was not aware of as they were entrenched in my being so deeply I thought that they 'were me'. I honestly had to take the approach of changing all that I could based on what I was shown.
It took me a while in recovery to realize I was a pretty negative, dramatic person. I viewed almost each event of the day through shaded-eyes. If I spilled coffee, I literally felt anger rise in me - the reality was it was a spot of coffee. However, within me, my thinking instead went to something dramatic as, "So....this is how today is going to go!!"
That small example is one of a thousand 'aha' things I learned about me, my habits, my patterns and my 'style'. I had not been the 'real me' since I was a child. From the first time I was teased by another person, to the last time I was berated by one who 'loved me' I added a layer of defense. My best course of action to find and fix 'these' was working with a sponsor daily as well as working the steps to the best of my ability.
The steps gave me insight into patterns that I realized were not who I wanted to be or how I wanted to be. I also learned early on in recovery that I tended to talk way too much - almost trying to use my intelligent words to cover up my real feelings/inadequacies...I truly love what's in my signature as using a pause each time I want to speak/act really helps me consider a program way to act vs. my patterns of before.
Your post reminds me of the three A(s) - Awareness, Acceptance, Action. I am one who has to feel some pain/consequence before I get the urge to change and awareness is an awesome tool for me. You're moving forward - that's so awesome!! Keep coming back - you're worth it!!
hotrod said
Nov 10, 2017
((Great share Aline))) Your honesty and clarity are inspiring
Aline said
Nov 11, 2017
Thanks for your replies... Have a great weekend!
Iamhere said
Nov 11, 2017
You too Aline! It's chilly here - I love the weekends....I do a meeting both days and it's such a gift to self! Make it great!
Hi :)
I've been through some pretty serious inner turmoil this week, but yesterday brought something very important to the forefront of my mind, something I'd been hiding from since I was 10 or 11. I'm very grateful that my recent pain and worry has brought me to this, and I think this might be the first time I'm truly 100% grateful for pain I experienced.
I admitted to myself that all my interactions with other people have been tinted with my desire to make a certain impression about myself, whatever it might be at any given moment. I kind of knew I was doing it, but I never really, honestly accepted what I was doing. I imagine it like a wall I made between myself and everyone else, me a bit tense behind it, defensive. Like, I have this little place inside my mind and eyes that always watches (from behind the wall) how everybody else is reacting to me and helps determine my actions and words accordingly in order to achieve the effect that seems to be desirable at the time.
I've accepted I'm doing it, and I've been doing it practically all the time for almost 20 years. I'm proud of myself for admitting this to myself, and grateful to the program for bringing me to a better understanding of myself. Only now that I've accepted this fact am I able to do begin to do something about it. One thing I'm doing now is trying to think a lot about this and write about this, and try to do things differently, because I have a feeling if I don't continue to explore this, I might "forget" what I learned because my wall has provided me safety for very long it might well be not that difficult to convince myself I still need it, and then forget I'm hiding behind it again. Like in "1984" - the protagonist made himself forget what he knew, and then made himself forget that he forgot, or something along these lines.
So I had this epiphany yesterday and I've been experimenting with dropping my wall. I can do it for some relatively short period of time, but I slip back into my familiar pattern pretty soon. Its second nature to me. I'm thinking about why I have made this defence and what I accomplish with its help. I can see that one reason is my desire to control the response to me from EVERYONE I encounter (yeah...). Which I'm actually powerless over. There's also this desire to be liked by everyone, another motive for doing it. And another is that I feel very vulnerable when I drop my "shield". Its pretty scary. But I also feel kind of less tense inside when I manage to do it.
Even as I write this post, I still want to create a certain impression of myself, so I tell myself "I'm trying to make a certain impression of myself", which makes this need float away for a little while, before it comes back.
Maybe, to some extent, the desire to make a certain impression of myself is normal, a part of social interaction, but if it is, I'm still overdoing it. Or maybe this is my old defense mechanism trying to find reasons to stay put.
I also wonder if in my today's experiments I've been going overboard with stopping monitoring everyone else. I suppose this watchful attitude/behavior is just what is needed, for example, when going home late at night and passing some dodgy guy in an empty street or something, and I shouldn't try to get rid of it all together. I guess. But in everyday situations which are thankfully very rarely potentially life-threatening for me this protection is hindering me from being as much me as I can be, I suppose.
This is all so new, I'm pretty confused. I would appreciate your ESH on this topic. :)
Grateful member of Alanon :)
It took me a while in recovery to realize I was a pretty negative, dramatic person. I viewed almost each event of the day through shaded-eyes. If I spilled coffee, I literally felt anger rise in me - the reality was it was a spot of coffee. However, within me, my thinking instead went to something dramatic as, "So....this is how today is going to go!!"
That small example is one of a thousand 'aha' things I learned about me, my habits, my patterns and my 'style'. I had not been the 'real me' since I was a child. From the first time I was teased by another person, to the last time I was berated by one who 'loved me' I added a layer of defense. My best course of action to find and fix 'these' was working with a sponsor daily as well as working the steps to the best of my ability.
The steps gave me insight into patterns that I realized were not who I wanted to be or how I wanted to be. I also learned early on in recovery that I tended to talk way too much - almost trying to use my intelligent words to cover up my real feelings/inadequacies...I truly love what's in my signature as using a pause each time I want to speak/act really helps me consider a program way to act vs. my patterns of before.
Your post reminds me of the three A(s) - Awareness, Acceptance, Action. I am one who has to feel some pain/consequence before I get the urge to change and awareness is an awesome tool for me. You're moving forward - that's so awesome!! Keep coming back - you're worth it!!