My AH was sober for many, many years. I told him I was going to divorce him and he stopped out of fear. Then the disease was back. He attends AA meetings but relapse is common. I've been told relapse is part of recovery. Recovery seems far off. I used to ask if he was drinking and he would always lie. Now I confront him and tell him I know he has been drinking because I need to express my emotions or I feel very angry and frustrated. I have been advised that my AH needs to have consequences for his behavior. So what do I do to let him know that I don't accept his drinking? I know we can't control a person's drinking but don't we have a right to let them know that we don't accept it?
pinkchip said
Nov 9, 2017
That will show by your actions. You dont need to leave him if not ready, but you do need to detach and alanon is the place to learn it.
Iamhere said
Nov 10, 2017
I agree with pinkchip - detachment and boundaries can give you the space to work on you, heal from the affects and make clear decisions that help you move forward. Recovery is a personal journey so the best next steps for me might be different than for you. What I know is in my past, decisions made in haste were not always my best ones. When I lean into the program and use facts and HP to guide me, it seems to work out more smoothly.
Sending you positive thoughts and prayers!
Enigmatic said
Nov 10, 2017
For every action there are consequences, some the inescapable results of the actions themselves, some the unintended results of trying to control action or consequence.
Before I found AlAnon, I thought that I was responsible for the actions, attitudes, and decisions of those around me. I lost my serenity trying to determine how I could alter them so others would do, feel, and act as I wished them to, mistakenly thinking that would bring me contentment.
The Serenity Prayer remains one of my strongest guiding forces, reminding me that my serenity is directly associated with my willingness to accept the uncontrollable (everything outside of me) and change only what I am qualified to (me). If I don't have serenity, I have mistaken the two.
Grateful for the wisdom of the program
Jerry F said
Nov 10, 2017
Aloha Wife and thanks for the reminder share. What I learned on my AFG journey is that there are consequences for everything I do and don't do and my job is to select the consequences I want and need before doing a thing. I learned also that the alcoholics in my life also get consequences some often being negative because I inserted myself into their disease. The answer to your question from my experiences is "they get consequences whether I think so or not". Choose to have a great day. ((((hugs))))
_bunny_ said
Nov 11, 2017
Hi (((wifeofalcoholic))) I expressed my feelings to my AH about his drinking. I also accept that he drinks and that Im powerless over it. And I have strong boundaries for myself around his drinking. When I first arrived at Alanon, I believed consequences were something negative and to be avoided. That type of thinking kept me isolated and afraid. Ive since learned that consequences arent a choice and that for every action there is one. Today I know consequences can be a very positive experience. Thank you for the topic, its special to me right now.
mamalioness said
Nov 11, 2017
Hi wife: what I would do is LET GO..Let him sink or swim, its his life, his lessons...You are here in Al-anon and I am glad for that because Al-anon will teach you how to focus on you, take care of you, do what is best for you as you experience self discovery...So often we get so enmeshed with the alcoholic like I did, that I lost the "I" of me...I didn't know what MY needs were, what MY boundaries were, what I wanted and needed, it was after the divorce that I got into Al-anon that I found out who/what I am and what I need to do to make ME happy....You will find your footing in the meetings and working your program with us and the folks you meet at the meetings.....
-- Edited by mamalioness on Saturday 11th of November 2017 10:33:00 PM
WestMan said
Nov 13, 2017
Nothing wrong with letting him know you don't accept his drinking. It sounds like you did that when you set the boundary that if he continued drinking you would leave him. But it sounds as though despite this both he and you have continued to struggle. For your sanity I recommend Face to Face Al-Anon meetings.
Maresie said
Nov 13, 2017
I thinn the definition of alcoholism is there are consequences and they keep on.drinking or.using.
Relapse is sometimes part.of the disease. For some of us that means they do go on to get sober.
I think one of the hardesr things to do in al.anon is to acknowledge they are going to drink.so what are you.going to do.
Arguing with the alcoholic only.goes so far. You could argue until the end of the world. When I.was arguingnI could still believe I had some control.
For me one of the hardest things was to see the bottom line for the alcoholic was to use. In particular, he wanted to use over the holidays. That was above all what he wanted.
My AH was sober for many, many years. I told him I was going to divorce him and he stopped out of fear. Then the disease was back. He attends AA meetings but relapse is common. I've been told relapse is part of recovery. Recovery seems far off. I used to ask if he was drinking and he would always lie. Now I confront him and tell him I know he has been drinking because I need to express my emotions or I feel very angry and frustrated. I have been advised that my AH needs to have consequences for his behavior. So what do I do to let him know that I don't accept his drinking? I know we can't control a person's drinking but don't we have a right to let them know that we don't accept it?
Sending you positive thoughts and prayers!
Before I found AlAnon, I thought that I was responsible for the actions, attitudes, and decisions of those around me. I lost my serenity trying to determine how I could alter them so others would do, feel, and act as I wished them to, mistakenly thinking that would bring me contentment.
The Serenity Prayer remains one of my strongest guiding forces, reminding me that my serenity is directly associated with my willingness to accept the uncontrollable (everything outside of me) and change only what I am qualified to (me). If I don't have serenity, I have mistaken the two.
Grateful for the wisdom of the program
Aloha Wife and thanks for the reminder share. What I learned on my AFG journey is that there are consequences for everything I do and don't do and my job is to select the consequences I want and need before doing a thing. I learned also that the alcoholics in my life also get consequences some often being negative because I inserted myself into their disease. The answer to your question from my experiences is "they get consequences whether I think so or not". Choose to have a great day. ((((hugs))))
Hi wife: what I would do is LET GO..Let him sink or swim, its his life, his lessons...You are here in Al-anon and I am glad for that because Al-anon will teach you how to focus on you, take care of you, do what is best for you as you experience self discovery...So often we get so enmeshed with the alcoholic like I did, that I lost the "I" of me...I didn't know what MY needs were, what MY boundaries were, what I wanted and needed, it was after the divorce that I got into Al-anon that I found out who/what I am and what I need to do to make ME happy....You will find your footing in the meetings and working your program with us and the folks you meet at the meetings.....
-- Edited by mamalioness on Saturday 11th of November 2017 10:33:00 PM
Nothing wrong with letting him know you don't accept his drinking. It sounds like you did that when you set the boundary that if he continued drinking you would leave him. But it sounds as though despite this both he and you have continued to struggle. For your sanity I recommend Face to Face Al-Anon meetings.
I thinn the definition of alcoholism is there are consequences and they keep on.drinking or.using.
Relapse is sometimes part.of the disease. For some of us that means they do go on to get sober.
I think one of the hardesr things to do in al.anon is to acknowledge they are going to drink.so what are you.going to do.
Arguing with the alcoholic only.goes so far. You could argue until the end of the world. When I.was arguingnI could still believe I had some control.
For me one of the hardest things was to see the bottom line for the alcoholic was to use. In particular, he wanted to use over the holidays. That was above all what he wanted.
I spent a lot of time agonizing on it.
Maresie