I have been sitting lately with lots of guilt, lots of resentment, and lots of anger. Not sure why, as I thought I had let all that go. So after reading so many posts yesterday, I had dinner with my sponsor to talk these feelings out. I won't share it all here, but it was such a good meeting for me!
I went to sign the legal separation papers on Monday. I also went with questions about divorce. Mostly because I have been looking inward a lot, and trying to see my part in my marriage over the years. Mostly to try and figure out why I am carrying this guilt. In the process, I found that if I am being honest with myself, I do not want a marriage even if my spouse becomes sober and is working his program 100%!
7 years ago (different DOC), when I took him back (against everything inside my soul), I told him that if I had to go through all of this again, our marriage was over. He understood this boundary for ME. I took him back for my son who at the time was 10 years old. I thought it was the "right thing to do." As it turned out, not only did my husband abandon all his program within the first 2 months of being back, but it never ended up being the right thing to do for my son. Those two never saw eye-to-eye, never really bonded. I see now that it was mostly b/c of my husband's attitudes and behaviors that were still addict-like. The sad and funny thing is that I allowed my boundaries to get trampled by my husband over and over again due to fear. Fear of being poor. I mean, we always struggled check to check... but somehow I figured out how to get what we needed. I did not want to go back to state/fed assistance, to not being able to afford food, or health coverage. Yet, here I am again. But my ability to rebound is not as stable/good as it was before, b/c I have a lower paying job.
But in looking inward, I found that despite my fears, I do not want to go back. Over my 29 year marriage, it was really all about HIM. If I examined it carefully, I never really got what I wanted out of this marriage. I married a huge baby. I was always waiting for him to catch up to me... intellectually, emotionally. I always felt like I was the "mom." In fact, we had 11 years of marriage therapy! Can you imagine that? 11!!!! At one point the therapist told me that I have to stop being his 'mother." At the time, neither the therapist nor myself knew of his using. Towards the end of those 11 years, it became apparent to her and she denied seeing him ever again. I continued to see her and worked on me for a time afterwards. Then I found Al-Anon and became aware of co-dependency.
In talking with my sponsor, I realized that I don't want to go back there, despite the remote possibility that he will get sober/clean. Because he will never be the person I married, AND was the person I married even a good fit for me anyway? It doesn't appear so. Not only that, but I know with every fiber of my being that I will always have doubts... he damaged me too greatly. So I will not be a good partner for him. Hopefully, if I keep working on me, I can learn to trust others... but I am not sure that will ever extend to him.
My sponsor also helped me to realize that my AH is now in a place that serving him with divorce papers is the best place. She said, "If I know it's over in my heart, why wait? If I wait until after the legal separation is final, he may be out of rehab, but his sobriety will be shaky. It would actually be cruel in a way to shake his world like that. Now he is with counselors and others that can help him through this... even though in reality he remembers my boundary... that is why he keeps saying, "So is this the end? Are you divorcing me?" She also helped me to understand that I should not have guilt. "You were the one who gave, and gave, and gave for this marriage to work. It is a failure of the union of two people... not a failure on your part." "If anything, it is HIS failure... but that is for him and his HP and his counselors to work through... not you!!"
So I called today and changed my legal separation to a divorce. It is what is right for me. My son will soon be going off to college... to start his own life. I need to begin to think of what I need. What will be my path? I have never really thought in those terms since I got married. So it's about time!
Thank you to everyone here on MIP who posted their stories, thoughts, ESH. Every day I take away something I can use. I am forever grateful for you all, and I hope that your HP's cradle you in her arms and shows you the way to your peace!
PNP
SerenityRUS said
Nov 9, 2017
Hugs PNP,
GFU :) It is an amazing journey to figure out what "you" want and I seriously congratulate you on making the leap. Because it's such a leap of faith to let go of that cliff and trust the process, it hasn't always been easy however any way you go in terms of stay or go each has it's own personal growth rewards.
I wasn't ready to date until I was 5 years out of my relationship with my X. I actually got matched with him on match.com .. funny/sad/true story .. lol .. I moved to a different state and that seemed to work better. it gave me time to really do some self exploration and create wonderful strong female friends who will be life long. I am incredibly grateful for that.
The whole empty nest deal is really difficult, I knew I would miss my girl .. LOL .. I didn't realize I would miss my girl this much and I still have one in the nest. It was a good reminder of I need to cherish time I have left and allow myself to really focus on what I want long term. It's an opportunity to shed some skin and enjoy the new adventures life has. Emotionally it was a shock is putting it mildly!!
Hugs S :)
Iamhere said
Nov 9, 2017
(((PnP))) - love your processing, program effort, awareness, acceptance and action....what is lovely about living our program is we really don't know what's in store for us. I tend to really embrace One Day at a Time, and trust that my HP really wants me happy, joyous and free - whatever that looks like as defined by him.
Keep moving forward - your sponsor sounds like a smart cookie! Hope dinner (food) was good too! (((Hugs)))
hotrod said
Nov 9, 2017
Good work PnP
PosiesandPuppies said
Nov 10, 2017
Thank you, Serenity, IAH, and hotrod!
Dinner WAS delicious! It was good to get out, even though the talk was some serious stuff, and I did get teary-eyed. Today is a 'One Day at a Time' day for me! I am stressed and not feeling in the best head-space.
Aline said
Nov 10, 2017
I'm happy you know what you want and are going for it, PNP :) I'm beginning to see that there are times when good can only come through pain and there's just no easy way to go. I love it when something good just floats gently to me, though ;)
mamalioness said
Nov 11, 2017
Hey PnP, WOW!!! what an honest, beautiful share...and OMG, i could relate to it ALL...the fear of being poor was my biggie....fear I could not take care of me on my own, but I had to choose...a life of insanity and broken dreams or that "unknown and scary" place of being only with me, taking care of me, relying on me....well I am still alive and still OK struggling, but OK and NOT with any body taking me down....I loved your share....and so happy you had a good chat with sponsor...and yea, if its reeeeeely over??? its best to just cut it loose and walk away.....easier said then done, I know, been there..done that, but somehow we learn how to take care of ourselves, working a steady program........Hugs and support
PosiesandPuppies said
Nov 12, 2017
Thank you for your wisdom & support Aline!
Rose - yes, the buck stops here, I suppose! Thank you for your support!
I have been sitting lately with lots of guilt, lots of resentment, and lots of anger. Not sure why, as I thought I had let all that go. So after reading so many posts yesterday, I had dinner with my sponsor to talk these feelings out. I won't share it all here, but it was such a good meeting for me!
I went to sign the legal separation papers on Monday. I also went with questions about divorce. Mostly because I have been looking inward a lot, and trying to see my part in my marriage over the years. Mostly to try and figure out why I am carrying this guilt. In the process, I found that if I am being honest with myself, I do not want a marriage even if my spouse becomes sober and is working his program 100%!
7 years ago (different DOC), when I took him back (against everything inside my soul), I told him that if I had to go through all of this again, our marriage was over. He understood this boundary for ME. I took him back for my son who at the time was 10 years old. I thought it was the "right thing to do." As it turned out, not only did my husband abandon all his program within the first 2 months of being back, but it never ended up being the right thing to do for my son. Those two never saw eye-to-eye, never really bonded. I see now that it was mostly b/c of my husband's attitudes and behaviors that were still addict-like. The sad and funny thing is that I allowed my boundaries to get trampled by my husband over and over again due to fear. Fear of being poor. I mean, we always struggled check to check... but somehow I figured out how to get what we needed. I did not want to go back to state/fed assistance, to not being able to afford food, or health coverage. Yet, here I am again. But my ability to rebound is not as stable/good as it was before, b/c I have a lower paying job.
But in looking inward, I found that despite my fears, I do not want to go back. Over my 29 year marriage, it was really all about HIM. If I examined it carefully, I never really got what I wanted out of this marriage. I married a huge baby. I was always waiting for him to catch up to me... intellectually, emotionally. I always felt like I was the "mom." In fact, we had 11 years of marriage therapy! Can you imagine that? 11!!!! At one point the therapist told me that I have to stop being his 'mother." At the time, neither the therapist nor myself knew of his using. Towards the end of those 11 years, it became apparent to her and she denied seeing him ever again. I continued to see her and worked on me for a time afterwards. Then I found Al-Anon and became aware of co-dependency.
In talking with my sponsor, I realized that I don't want to go back there, despite the remote possibility that he will get sober/clean. Because he will never be the person I married, AND was the person I married even a good fit for me anyway? It doesn't appear so. Not only that, but I know with every fiber of my being that I will always have doubts... he damaged me too greatly. So I will not be a good partner for him. Hopefully, if I keep working on me, I can learn to trust others... but I am not sure that will ever extend to him.
My sponsor also helped me to realize that my AH is now in a place that serving him with divorce papers is the best place. She said, "If I know it's over in my heart, why wait? If I wait until after the legal separation is final, he may be out of rehab, but his sobriety will be shaky. It would actually be cruel in a way to shake his world like that. Now he is with counselors and others that can help him through this... even though in reality he remembers my boundary... that is why he keeps saying, "So is this the end? Are you divorcing me?" She also helped me to understand that I should not have guilt. "You were the one who gave, and gave, and gave for this marriage to work. It is a failure of the union of two people... not a failure on your part." "If anything, it is HIS failure... but that is for him and his HP and his counselors to work through... not you!!"
So I called today and changed my legal separation to a divorce. It is what is right for me. My son will soon be going off to college... to start his own life. I need to begin to think of what I need. What will be my path? I have never really thought in those terms since I got married. So it's about time!
Thank you to everyone here on MIP who posted their stories, thoughts, ESH. Every day I take away something I can use. I am forever grateful for you all, and I hope that your HP's cradle you in her arms and shows you the way to your peace!
PNP
GFU :) It is an amazing journey to figure out what "you" want and I seriously congratulate you on making the leap. Because it's such a leap of faith to let go of that cliff and trust the process, it hasn't always been easy however any way you go in terms of stay or go each has it's own personal growth rewards.
I wasn't ready to date until I was 5 years out of my relationship with my X. I actually got matched with him on match.com .. funny/sad/true story .. lol .. I moved to a different state and that seemed to work better. it gave me time to really do some self exploration and create wonderful strong female friends who will be life long. I am incredibly grateful for that.
The whole empty nest deal is really difficult, I knew I would miss my girl .. LOL .. I didn't realize I would miss my girl this much and I still have one in the nest. It was a good reminder of I need to cherish time I have left and allow myself to really focus on what I want long term. It's an opportunity to shed some skin and enjoy the new adventures life has. Emotionally it was a shock is putting it mildly!!
Hugs S :)
Keep moving forward - your sponsor sounds like a smart cookie! Hope dinner (food) was good too! (((Hugs)))
Dinner WAS delicious! It was good to get out, even though the talk was some serious stuff, and I did get teary-eyed. Today is a 'One Day at a Time' day for me! I am stressed and not feeling in the best head-space.
Hey PnP, WOW!!! what an honest, beautiful share...and OMG, i could relate to it ALL...the fear of being poor was my biggie....fear I could not take care of me on my own, but I had to choose...a life of insanity and broken dreams or that "unknown and scary" place of being only with me, taking care of me, relying on me....well I am still alive and still OK struggling, but OK and NOT with any body taking me down....I loved your share....and so happy you had a good chat with sponsor...and yea, if its reeeeeely over??? its best to just cut it loose and walk away.....easier said then done, I know, been there..done that, but somehow we learn how to take care of ourselves, working a steady program........Hugs and support
Rose - yes, the buck stops here, I suppose! Thank you for your support!