My partner/best friend (we don't live together) is due to come out of hospital tomorrow after being in for 2 weeks. He was told if he drinks again, he will not make it to Christmas. He is saying he "just wont drink". I keep asking him what he is going to put in place to make sure he doesn't drink again - his main excuse was boredom, and he has just got really angry with me and said I need to have faith in him. This has been going on for 5 years now. I tried to point out that he has said it before, and he always ends up drinking again. He has lost most of his friends, even his family don't believe him anymore. I want to believe him, but I also believe that while he may not drink for awhile because he was frightened, he will eventually start drinking if he doesn't take steps to change his habit. He wont go to AA because he doesn't like crowds, the hospital have given him 10 free shrink visits and the doctor has told him if he doesn't "face his demons" he will continue to drink. His answer is simple - "I just wont drink again". Is it really this simple? I just don't know what to do. I want to help but I think I enable him - I am someone to blame - because I wont move in with him he drinks, because I put my children (not his) before him, he drinks. I just don't know what to do. I believe this is his journey and only he can do it, but am I wrong?
hotrod said
Nov 8, 2017
Welcome Thistime You are correct this is his journey and alcoholism is a progressive, chronic disease over which we are powerless. Will power is not an effective defense against this compulsion. AA offers tools and support in order to live life on life's terms. Alanon is a program developed for family members who have been attempting to deal with the insanity of the disease. The program offers constructive new tools to live by and a supportive network while we develop the tools. I suggest that you search out alanon face to face meetings and attend . The hot line number is in the white pages. Please do keep coming back here as well. You are not alone
Mattie said
Nov 9, 2017
Thistime, welcome. I am sorry - you are correct, it is overwhelmingly likely that willpower will do not the job. Do you have a meeting to go to? Nobody should go through this without support. If there were a way to make the alcoholic understand the danger, someone would have found it by now. I think the only thing you can do is to get plenty of support for yourself while whatever is going to happen happens. Take good care of yourself.
milkwood said
Nov 9, 2017
Welcome to MIP Thistime, I am sorry that you are having to go through this.
There is good awareness in your post - it is his journey, and it seems right to me that you take responsibility for your own well-being and not that of another adult. Having faith and belief for me meant that I had faith that my AH would do what is right for him - I don't want to mess up whatever time we do have together by expecting him to be something that he isn't and I suspect that sometimes he is at least as scared as I am (I also don't accept the blame btw! )
It is a heartbreaking disease and getting support for yourself will be helpful and perhaps take the pressure off. Other people who have been through this understand in remarkable ways. I hope you keep coming back, it is too much to deal with alone. (((((hugs)))))
pinkchip said
Nov 9, 2017
Sorry to be blunt...but yes...it is his journey and not yours. No, you are not wrong. And based off what you have written, and me being a recovering alcoholic and substance abuse counselor as well, I would say the chances of him drinking again are 99.9 percent. All his excuses to avoid AA are BS. There are plenty of small AA groups that meet in churches and such. Plus fear of crowds is a symptom of being an isolated alcoholic. It needs to be challenged by him and not just accepted as a BS reason to avoid recovery.
So..knowing/hearing all this....what will YOU do for you and to not get swept up by the insanity of his addiction?
Iamhere said
Nov 9, 2017
Welcome to MIP Thistime - glad you found us and glad that you joined in and shared. As stated above, alcoholism is a progressive disease that is never cured - usually treated and arrested through some type of formal recovery. AA is what is often suggested and does seem to work for those who want to recover. Al-Anon is for friends and family who are affected by the drinking of another and you are welcome to attend no matter what he is/is not doing.
Recovery is a personal journey - for the alcoholic as well as for those affected beyond the drinker. We learn more about the disease and how it affects us and are given tools to use to heal/deal with them/it. I do hope you find some local meetings and attend with an open mind.
Please keep coming back. There is hope and help for anyone who wants recovery! You are not alone.
tiredtonite said
Nov 9, 2017
Thistime, Glad you found MIP and hope you'll keep coming back to share and recover with us. It's very difficult to hear from doctors the kind of information that you've heard about your bf and to be told there's nothing you can do to help him. Sadly, most people here have experienced this feeling of powerlessness.
I agree with all who have responded that keeping sober is up to him. If you want to help him, you can actually be of help to him by being a recovering person yourself. I say this because by attending meetings, we learn healthy responses that help us to maintain our own sanity whether the alcoholics in our lives are drinking or not drinking. Acting in this new healthier way rather than reacting to whatever the alcoholic is choosing to do is truly a way of offering loving support to the alcoholic. Such changes in ourselves can show the alcoholics in our lives that a new healthier way to live is possible for them as well if they choose it. It also can show the alcoholic that a new boundary is in place now.. we won't be coerced or guilted into continuing to be sick with them.
AA seems to be the program of choice for most alcholics but the ultimately this is a journey of 2 - a higher power or god of that person's understanding and the person themself. Just as in the Alanon program, if one becomes desperate, frightened enough, sick to the point of feeling they have no other recourse; they will ask for help to be lifted up from that place of desperation. But a person truly has to not want to die, Thistime. All the love of family, all the love of people in recovery programs is not enough to fill the god sized hole in a person and keep it filled if inwardly a person doesn't feel life is worth living. No person can fill the emptiness another person carries but others through example can show that there's hope when one believes and has faith in a power greater than themself, a god of their understanding, a higher power.
My dad got sober and stayed sober without AA. He became so physically ill from drinking that he simply couldn't stand it any longer. A spiritually awakening of sorts happened to him at that time. He rekindled his relationship with the god of his understanding and stayed sober the rest of his life. He didn't have friends but he had activities that kept him busy and a god. Listen, I know this isn't typical and I believe having friends who drank and are now sober and keeping sober has to be a positive thing. I just wanted to share what I know of my dad's journey because it a story of getting sober and staying sober without AA. My father also didn't live as a dry drunk. He put his god in front of him each day and changed for the better as a person toward his family and his self loathing lifted too. Simply put, he was ready to surrender himself and his alcoholism, let an unconditionally loving god love him and show him he deserved to love himself and others.
I hope your bf has such an awakening. Whether it's at an AA meeting or anywhere else. They open those meeting with a reading that says that alcoholics realize they can't do it on their own but that god can if god is sought. "May you find him now," it says. The same can be said for those of us who are affected by another's drinking.
Prayers for you and your bf for a lifetime of sobriety and serenity. (((hugs))) TT
Thistime said
Nov 9, 2017
Thank you everyone for your comments. Perhaps I was looking for justification in the way I am feeling - guilty for not feeling guilty if that makes sense. I have been reading a lot of information about alcoholism, and so much of it rings true - the lying, the making it about me instead of about him, making me feel guilty for spending time with my family (who aren't his). I think it is time for me to take a step back. For 5 years I have been there - and to be honest I have probably enabled him as much as anything - forgiven things I should not have forgiven, not confronted the lies that he told me - or when I did ended up feeling guilty for saying anything. I love him. There is no doubt about that, and I will always love him, but to be honest, after 5 years of him going into hospital and then saying he wont drink and will go and see counsellors and then him not doing it - well I am tired. I don't have faith in him anymore, I don't believe that he can do it - and yes that makes me feel like I am a horrible person when he is so upset by me asking him questions and by me saying that he needs to change his life and face his demons and his reasons for drinking. I have been suffering as well as all of his family. He has lost friends because of it, and all the time I feel as if it has been up to me to hold things together, but I cant do it anymore. He needs to ask for help because he wants help, and I think I need to ask for help too. I am not sure about meetings just yet, but I will consider it, for the time being, it is lovely to hear from people who understand Thank you everyone.
Iamhere said
Nov 10, 2017
(((Thistime))) - the disease has us (family and friends) feeling and believing that we are not enough. It makes us wonder what is wrong with 'us' that they do what they do. I love that you are considering both a step back and meetings. I am sending you positive thoughts and prayers for courage to attend.
What I discovered in recovery that I perhaps should have already known but didn't - I matter and there is no shame in putting me first. If I can redirect my energy and focus on my needs, I am freeing them up to learn as they need to. I too was an enabler without considering it - thinking it was caring and love. The program truly helped me change my thinking and habits and find my joy, strength and peace again.
Keep coming back - as you now realize, you are not alone.
My partner/best friend (we don't live together) is due to come out of hospital tomorrow after being in for 2 weeks. He was told if he drinks again, he will not make it to Christmas. He is saying he "just wont drink". I keep asking him what he is going to put in place to make sure he doesn't drink again - his main excuse was boredom, and he has just got really angry with me and said I need to have faith in him. This has been going on for 5 years now. I tried to point out that he has said it before, and he always ends up drinking again. He has lost most of his friends, even his family don't believe him anymore. I want to believe him, but I also believe that while he may not drink for awhile because he was frightened, he will eventually start drinking if he doesn't take steps to change his habit. He wont go to AA because he doesn't like crowds, the hospital have given him 10 free shrink visits and the doctor has told him if he doesn't "face his demons" he will continue to drink. His answer is simple - "I just wont drink again". Is it really this simple? I just don't know what to do. I want to help but I think I enable him - I am someone to blame - because I wont move in with him he drinks, because I put my children (not his) before him, he drinks. I just don't know what to do. I believe this is his journey and only he can do it, but am I wrong?
Welcome Thistime You are correct this is his journey and alcoholism is a progressive, chronic disease over which we are powerless. Will power is not an effective defense against this compulsion. AA offers tools and support in order to live life on life's terms.
Alanon is a program developed for family members who have been attempting to deal with the insanity of the disease. The program offers constructive new tools to live by and a supportive network while we develop the tools. I suggest that you search out alanon face to face meetings and attend . The hot line number is in the white pages. Please do keep coming back here as well. You are not alone
Thistime, welcome. I am sorry - you are correct, it is overwhelmingly likely that willpower will do not the job. Do you have a meeting to go to? Nobody should go through this without support. If there were a way to make the alcoholic understand the danger, someone would have found it by now. I think the only thing you can do is to get plenty of support for yourself while whatever is going to happen happens. Take good care of yourself.
There is good awareness in your post - it is his journey, and it seems right to me that you take responsibility for your own well-being and not that of another adult. Having faith and belief for me meant that I had faith that my AH would do what is right for him - I don't want to mess up whatever time we do have together by expecting him to be something that he isn't and I suspect that sometimes he is at least as scared as I am (I also don't accept the blame btw!
It is a heartbreaking disease and getting support for yourself will be helpful and perhaps take the pressure off. Other people who have been through this understand in remarkable ways. I hope you keep coming back, it is too much to deal with alone. (((((hugs)))))
So..knowing/hearing all this....what will YOU do for you and to not get swept up by the insanity of his addiction?
Recovery is a personal journey - for the alcoholic as well as for those affected beyond the drinker. We learn more about the disease and how it affects us and are given tools to use to heal/deal with them/it. I do hope you find some local meetings and attend with an open mind.
Please keep coming back. There is hope and help for anyone who wants recovery! You are not alone.
Thistime, Glad you found MIP and hope you'll keep coming back to share and recover with us. It's very difficult to hear from doctors the kind of information that you've heard about your bf and to be told there's nothing you can do to help him. Sadly, most people here have experienced this feeling of powerlessness.
I agree with all who have responded that keeping sober is up to him. If you want to help him, you can actually be of help to him by being a recovering person yourself. I say this because by attending meetings, we learn healthy responses that help us to maintain our own sanity whether the alcoholics in our lives are drinking or not drinking. Acting in this new healthier way rather than reacting to whatever the alcoholic is choosing to do is truly a way of offering loving support to the alcoholic. Such changes in ourselves can show the alcoholics in our lives that a new healthier way to live is possible for them as well if they choose it. It also can show the alcoholic that a new boundary is in place now.. we won't be coerced or guilted into continuing to be sick with them.
AA seems to be the program of choice for most alcholics but the ultimately this is a journey of 2 - a higher power or god of that person's understanding and the person themself. Just as in the Alanon program, if one becomes desperate, frightened enough, sick to the point of feeling they have no other recourse; they will ask for help to be lifted up from that place of desperation. But a person truly has to not want to die, Thistime. All the love of family, all the love of people in recovery programs is not enough to fill the god sized hole in a person and keep it filled if inwardly a person doesn't feel life is worth living. No person can fill the emptiness another person carries but others through example can show that there's hope when one believes and has faith in a power greater than themself, a god of their understanding, a higher power.
My dad got sober and stayed sober without AA. He became so physically ill from drinking that he simply couldn't stand it any longer. A spiritually awakening of sorts happened to him at that time. He rekindled his relationship with the god of his understanding and stayed sober the rest of his life. He didn't have friends but he had activities that kept him busy and a god. Listen, I know this isn't typical and I believe having friends who drank and are now sober and keeping sober has to be a positive thing. I just wanted to share what I know of my dad's journey because it a story of getting sober and staying sober without AA. My father also didn't live as a dry drunk. He put his god in front of him each day and changed for the better as a person toward his family and his self loathing lifted too. Simply put, he was ready to surrender himself and his alcoholism, let an unconditionally loving god love him and show him he deserved to love himself and others.
I hope your bf has such an awakening. Whether it's at an AA meeting or anywhere else. They open those meeting with a reading that says that alcoholics realize they can't do it on their own but that god can if god is sought. "May you find him now," it says. The same can be said for those of us who are affected by another's drinking.
Prayers for you and your bf for a lifetime of sobriety and serenity. (((hugs))) TT
What I discovered in recovery that I perhaps should have already known but didn't - I matter and there is no shame in putting me first. If I can redirect my energy and focus on my needs, I am freeing them up to learn as they need to. I too was an enabler without considering it - thinking it was caring and love. The program truly helped me change my thinking and habits and find my joy, strength and peace again.
Keep coming back - as you now realize, you are not alone.