I just realized clearly what I've been kind of suspecting for a while now. A part of my interactions/relationships with any people is an almost precise copy of the relationship dynamic I saw between my parents. Sometimes I'm Mum (well-meaning yet bossy, "managing" things and other people) and at other times I'm Father, just tuned-out of what's going on, not really "there", silent and uncommunicative. These were my main role-models, that's my normal. I can totally see how I was just the right gal for an alcoholic. Laughter through tears, almost. But I see this whole priming of mine now.
A small story from today - the basic topic stays the same:
I went to a theater this evening with my Mum, it was great, a comedy. We went to have some coffee/tea and a snack beforehand, and my Mum was insisting she pays. I refused politely, and she kept on insisting, until finally I just said "No, you won't be doing me a favor if you pay". Truthfully, my blood was boiling a little. I've been pretty much babied by her, and still am sometimes, and I understand that the only way for me to stop being babied was to stop allowing to be babied. Because every time Mum buys me something or similar when there's actually no good reason for it since I'm an adult (supposedly :D ) I recently began to understand that I am less of an adult, I feel less of an adult, because I'm not giving back as much as I'm receiving, also my salary is larger than hers, and also this insistence of "let me buy you something, this is good for you!" instead, like today, sometimes makes me feel kind of diminished, like I haven't got a brain of my own to know what is good for me. At the same time I can't deny the lure of "free stuff", ha ha!
Over our coffee/tea my mum expressed her hope that I was not offended by her insistence, and I in turn expressed my hope that she was not offended by my rather short refusal, and all was well. She said something like "Its normal that a parent wants to pay for food for their child." And I said: "Haven't I reached an age when its normal for a child to pay for the food of their parents?" "That's something to think about," she said. I did let her buy us some snacks in the time between the two acts, though. Also, I'm paying the rent (her flat), but not electricity costs, although I'm living here all by myself for months. lol? Yep. Well, I have to start somewhere.
I've been feeling not so well these past few days, one incident or another (mostly me just making an elephant out of a fly), this and that, but I guess all the recent events led me to undigging this piece of truth about my life I haven't been properly aware of before. For this I'm grateful.
I have heaps and heaps to undig still, most likely a life-time task, but I'm grateful I'm attempting to dig myself out instead of in, like before the program. I'm truly grateful for Alanon and the fellowship. I'm beginning to accept that life is never easy (for long), still problems and stuff, program or no program, but I'm slowly becoming better adjusted to deal with some of them.
What a eulogy! True, though.
I'm also very grateful to MIP and you all :)
hotrod said
Nov 8, 2017
Great awareness and acceptance Aline . You drew a boundary and said what you needed while staying detached Good work.
Keep on keeping on
Iamhere said
Nov 8, 2017
I agree with Betty - great awareness Aline. I love what you also suggested about 'uncovering'. That's what it feels like for me when I have a realization of why I am/do, and the acceptance that if it's not working, I have tools to consider different.
Sounds like you had a great outing with your mom! My parents are in their 80s now and they still frown a bit when I insist on paying. I do remind them how much they've done for me, and since I am able I feel blessed to be of service!
Keep coming back! Love the growth we share here @ MIP!
Good evening (or morning), MIP :)
I just realized clearly what I've been kind of suspecting for a while now. A part of my interactions/relationships with any people is an almost precise copy of the relationship dynamic I saw between my parents. Sometimes I'm Mum (well-meaning yet bossy, "managing" things and other people) and at other times I'm Father, just tuned-out of what's going on, not really "there", silent and uncommunicative. These were my main role-models, that's my normal. I can totally see how I was just the right gal for an alcoholic. Laughter through tears, almost. But I see this whole priming of mine now.
A small story from today - the basic topic stays the same:
I went to a theater this evening with my Mum, it was great, a comedy. We went to have some coffee/tea and a snack beforehand, and my Mum was insisting she pays. I refused politely, and she kept on insisting, until finally I just said "No, you won't be doing me a favor if you pay". Truthfully, my blood was boiling a little. I've been pretty much babied by her, and still am sometimes, and I understand that the only way for me to stop being babied was to stop allowing to be babied. Because every time Mum buys me something or similar when there's actually no good reason for it since I'm an adult (supposedly :D ) I recently began to understand that I am less of an adult, I feel less of an adult, because I'm not giving back as much as I'm receiving, also my salary is larger than hers, and also this insistence of "let me buy you something, this is good for you!" instead, like today, sometimes makes me feel kind of diminished, like I haven't got a brain of my own to know what is good for me. At the same time I can't deny the lure of "free stuff", ha ha!
Over our coffee/tea my mum expressed her hope that I was not offended by her insistence, and I in turn expressed my hope that she was not offended by my rather short refusal, and all was well. She said something like "Its normal that a parent wants to pay for food for their child." And I said: "Haven't I reached an age when its normal for a child to pay for the food of their parents?" "That's something to think about," she said. I did let her buy us some snacks in the time between the two acts, though. Also, I'm paying the rent (her flat), but not electricity costs, although I'm living here all by myself for months. lol? Yep. Well, I have to start somewhere.
I've been feeling not so well these past few days, one incident or another (mostly me just making an elephant out of a fly), this and that, but I guess all the recent events led me to undigging this piece of truth about my life I haven't been properly aware of before. For this I'm grateful.
I have heaps and heaps to undig still, most likely a life-time task, but I'm grateful I'm attempting to dig myself out instead of in, like before the program. I'm truly grateful for Alanon and the fellowship. I'm beginning to accept that life is never easy (for long), still problems and stuff, program or no program, but I'm slowly becoming better adjusted to deal with some of them.
What a eulogy! True, though.
I'm also very grateful to MIP and you all :)
Keep on keeping on
Sounds like you had a great outing with your mom! My parents are in their 80s now and they still frown a bit when I insist on paying. I do remind them how much they've done for me, and since I am able I feel blessed to be of service!
Keep coming back! Love the growth we share here @ MIP!