My partner can be quite sarcastic and, oftentimes, our humor doesn't really match up. I don't care for sarcasm but I understand it because my XAH was so skilled at using it and I became pretty good at it, myself. Hey, he taught by example and I caught on, I guess. But, I truly try to NOT be hurtful and to gauge a relationship before I say anything sarcastic.
Most recently, I told my SO that I was taking my son hang gliding for his 19th birthday. We're both going. My SO's response was, "So, have you set up contingent beneficiaries on your account, I'd be happy to be listed on your accounts." Now, I know where he was going and I know that it was a joke. But, honestly, this is just another 'zinger' in a line of his sarcasm and humor that I often take personally.
I'm trying to handle things with grace. My sponsor has me back to working a step 4 mainly because I take things way too personally and I'm struggling with a lot of other things, as well.
How do you handle mean comments, sarcasm, insensitivity, etc? Also, my partner can be quite invalidating and I'm trying to work through that as well.
I was sexually assaulted by a prospect last week. He lured me over to his house to talk to me about his annuity that he was thinking of moving over to my firm. I agreed to meet and during the course of our interaction, he tried to touch me and eventually he kissed me as I was trying to leave out his front gate. He's not the first older man to do something like this, but he's the first who's crossed the lines to physical touch. I blamed myself for even going over there. I was so desperate for new business but I knew that I should have forced him to come to my branch where my admin was there with me. But, $400K to my assets in my branch was a large carrot to dangle in front of me. What's funny is that he actually didn't want to bring me those assets, he told me, "I don't know if you've realized this yet, but I am totally enamored with you. but, I can't turn the annuity over to you. What I can do is give you $5000 to invest in a nice growth stock instead." Ummm, $5K doesn't put food on my table dude.
My SO's take on all of this was to tell me that maybe I needed to dress more conservatively while meeting prospects and that I needed to be less friendly and to beef up myself professionally. He was barely concerned about my mental and emotional state. I realized that he truly struggles with empathy. It's not like he didn't care, he just thought his 'solutions' were the answer. In the end, I did wind up having to report it to my HR and higher up's in the company. It wasn't that big of deal but my regional leader made me feel a lot better, when HE, as a guy, told me that he felt that I always dressed very professionally, that I represented the firm in the right way, and that what this perv did was no reflection on me. I wound up getting mad at my SO and telling him that a perv is a perv and that it didn't matter whether I was wearing. I could have been wearing a nun's outfit and the guy still would have done what he did. He still didn't get it. Sigh....I'm back to meetings 1-2 times a week, working with my sponsor weekly, and I'm looking for a therapist currently. Life throws us lessons to learn and i'm just trying my best to work through them!
milkwood said
Nov 8, 2017
Greetings Andromeda,
On sarcasm. I think that there is teasing and then there is sarcasm - teasing can be fun, mutual and in my experience works between equals who have respect and trust in each other - it is almost a 'no matter what you say, I know and trust you enough to play.' When I'm feeling insecure, it is easier for me to feel a bit blindsided at times, and as I started to feel insecure in my relationship with AH I started to notice that my quips carried more negative undertones. Incoming also seemed to feel more dangerous as well!!
On predatory creeps - I'm so pleased that your boss reacted supportively and appropriately to your experience with that predatory pretend potential prospect. No one should have the sort of experience you've just gone through and I'm so sorry that it happened. It sounds as if you dealt with it well. Sometimes I wish there was a re-training programme for this kind of behaviour, a bit like folks go through when they jaywalk or drive recklessly. Of course you are professional (and delightful - what that horrible prospect did is totally on him!!
With all of the press coverage recently about inappropriate predatory behaviour my AH and I have had similar conversations and he said much the same as your SO which left me feeling sooooo disappointed!
A writer called Will Self did a marvellous piece on BBC Radio 4 recently that described some thoughts about why some people struggle with such mixed feelings on this subject. Bottom line, IMHO, when a stranger lures and tries to trick someone and invades their personal space it is scary, threatening and totally inappropriate. Plus they end up showing us how (un)evolved they really are!!!
Sending you huge ((((((((hugs))))))))
Iamhere said
Nov 8, 2017
(((Andromeda))) - sending tons of hugs, positive energy and thoughts your way. A perv is a perv is a perv - the creeping dude has the issue(s) - not you. I am so glad that you were able to get away and more damage was not done. Yay for a supportive boss who validated it had nothing to do with you, how you look, etc. I would like to believe that your SO's response is a minority view, however I just believe that there is a high percentage of folks who do not understand personal boundaries and appropriate vs. inappropriate behavior. I hear things like this all the time and it can make my blood boil. I do take extra precautions as best one can to minimize risks yet we know we can't head off any/all unwanted advances/men.
As far as the rest, when I am bothered by the words or actions of another, I really need to pause. I can also be overly sensitive and can take things personally that were not intended for harm. I use the tools we are given, identify my part and determine next steps if any. It can be as simple as ignoring it, leaving the room, sharing my feelings, etc. What I know does not work is any expectation that another person's style will magically change because I am offended or bothered by it. Just as I have my baggage I bring into a relationship, so do others. I always need to examine my motives and if they want, expect or intend to change another, I have more work to do on me.
I spent the weekend with my high school gal pals, and we discussed the sexual harassment/assault issue slightly. I say slightly as even though we were all women and most likely had all experienced some form of this in our lives, we actually had mixed beliefs on what was happening. It was very interesting that this hot button topic of today is not even viewed the same by a group of women. I am not excusing men in any way shape or form yet I do know that they just don't get it. Apparently, neither do some of us females either.
Good to see you hear sweetie and good to hear you're bumping up program - for me, that does often bring a bit more clarity and esteem. (((Hugs)))
hotrod said
Nov 8, 2017
(((Andromeda)) I am so sorry that you were subjected to that attack. That is extremely unsettling. When in business , I made it a rule never to go to a client's or co workers home, but choose to connect at a coffee shop, or my business conference room instead --as you have found people tend become too comfortable at their home and a neutral meeting place is best As for sarcasm I too learned to return sarcasm for sarcasm but found that his was a destructive form of communication. . I then used alanon tools to help me to say what I mean and mean what I say so that in the example you offered i would probably say "i know it sounds like a dangerous activity, however i have investigated it and believe it will be safe as well as a great way to celebrate.-- As for my insurance ",that is "Not a bad idea I will check that out ." I handle sarcasm with the truth and it works every time
Jerry F said
Nov 8, 2017
Andromeda I am really hoping that man has consequences to face for his actions. Men understand real consequences before they attempt change and if there are none the problem gets worse and the victims many.
Current news is all about what you have gone thru. I am a man and have and will put another guy away for criminal behavior. He gave himself permission to abuse you and that is a crime. How trusting do your feel about your profession now?
In support (((hugs)))
andromeda said
Nov 8, 2017
Hmm, I thought I had responded but came back to see my response missing!
Thank you all for the feedback. I have often felt that I need to grow a tougher outer skin but that it would also benefit my SO if he were to soften up a bit, lol. We're on totally opposite sides of the spectrum. My appreciation for his humor just isn't there because I get my panties in a bunch quite a bit but I also tend to not understand hurtful sarcasm and I can't decipher if the person means what they say or if they're just using humor as their own defense mechanism, etc.
I think I struggle with sarcasm so much is because I can't tell if it's supposed to be truly funny or if it's meant to be hurtful? I used to be the only kid on the bus who did't get the jokes being told. I struggle with humor and struggle even more when I try to use it, lol. My bf thinks he's funny all the time and I look at him like he's got three heads because I just don't get it.
I guess we're all just works in progress, but today I'm finding it hard to extend grace to him and to myself right now. We have been fighting a lot lately and it's mostly because I'm taking things personally, getting riled up about stuff, or I'm confronting him about hurting my feelings. It's like we're in a cycle right now and I don't know how to get out of it.
As for the perv prospect......not much I can do about it. It's par for the course in this job. I asked around and talked to quite a few other female advisors and they had similar stories. Not to the point where they were kissed but advances were made and they were made to feel uncomfortable. In our career, 80% of financial advisers are male. Women are often treated as being less than in some firms but also by male prospects who aren't very developed with their thinking or acceptance of women in this role. I often go to meetings with 12 other advisors and I'm the only female so I've gotten used to being surrounded by men. But, all of the men I know in the field are respectful. it's these weirdos that bug me and make my life more scary and less predictable. I'm still feeling violated and irritated about the whole thing.
My partner can be quite sarcastic and, oftentimes, our humor doesn't really match up. I don't care for sarcasm but I understand it because my XAH was so skilled at using it and I became pretty good at it, myself. Hey, he taught by example and I caught on, I guess. But, I truly try to NOT be hurtful and to gauge a relationship before I say anything sarcastic.
Most recently, I told my SO that I was taking my son hang gliding for his 19th birthday. We're both going. My SO's response was, "So, have you set up contingent beneficiaries on your account, I'd be happy to be listed on your accounts." Now, I know where he was going and I know that it was a joke. But, honestly, this is just another 'zinger' in a line of his sarcasm and humor that I often take personally.
I'm trying to handle things with grace. My sponsor has me back to working a step 4 mainly because I take things way too personally and I'm struggling with a lot of other things, as well.
How do you handle mean comments, sarcasm, insensitivity, etc? Also, my partner can be quite invalidating and I'm trying to work through that as well.
I was sexually assaulted by a prospect last week. He lured me over to his house to talk to me about his annuity that he was thinking of moving over to my firm. I agreed to meet and during the course of our interaction, he tried to touch me and eventually he kissed me as I was trying to leave out his front gate. He's not the first older man to do something like this, but he's the first who's crossed the lines to physical touch. I blamed myself for even going over there. I was so desperate for new business but I knew that I should have forced him to come to my branch where my admin was there with me. But, $400K to my assets in my branch was a large carrot to dangle in front of me. What's funny is that he actually didn't want to bring me those assets, he told me, "I don't know if you've realized this yet, but I am totally enamored with you. but, I can't turn the annuity over to you. What I can do is give you $5000 to invest in a nice growth stock instead." Ummm, $5K doesn't put food on my table dude.
My SO's take on all of this was to tell me that maybe I needed to dress more conservatively while meeting prospects and that I needed to be less friendly and to beef up myself professionally. He was barely concerned about my mental and emotional state. I realized that he truly struggles with empathy. It's not like he didn't care, he just thought his 'solutions' were the answer. In the end, I did wind up having to report it to my HR and higher up's in the company. It wasn't that big of deal but my regional leader made me feel a lot better, when HE, as a guy, told me that he felt that I always dressed very professionally, that I represented the firm in the right way, and that what this perv did was no reflection on me. I wound up getting mad at my SO and telling him that a perv is a perv and that it didn't matter whether I was wearing. I could have been wearing a nun's outfit and the guy still would have done what he did. He still didn't get it. Sigh....I'm back to meetings 1-2 times a week, working with my sponsor weekly, and I'm looking for a therapist currently. Life throws us lessons to learn and i'm just trying my best to work through them!
On sarcasm. I think that there is teasing and then there is sarcasm - teasing can be fun, mutual and in my experience works between equals who have respect and trust in each other - it is almost a 'no matter what you say, I know and trust you enough to play.' When I'm feeling insecure, it is easier for me to feel a bit blindsided at times, and as I started to feel insecure in my relationship with AH I started to notice that my quips carried more negative undertones. Incoming also seemed to feel more dangerous as well!!
On predatory creeps - I'm so pleased that your boss reacted supportively and appropriately to your experience with that predatory pretend potential prospect. No one should have the sort of experience you've just gone through and I'm so sorry that it happened. It sounds as if you dealt with it well. Sometimes I wish there was a re-training programme for this kind of behaviour, a bit like folks go through when they jaywalk or drive recklessly. Of course you are professional (and delightful
With all of the press coverage recently about inappropriate predatory behaviour my AH and I have had similar conversations and he said much the same as your SO which left me feeling sooooo disappointed!
A writer called Will Self did a marvellous piece on BBC Radio 4 recently that described some thoughts about why some people struggle with such mixed feelings on this subject. Bottom line, IMHO, when a stranger lures and tries to trick someone and invades their personal space it is scary, threatening and totally inappropriate. Plus they end up showing us how (un)evolved they really are!!!
Sending you huge ((((((((hugs))))))))
As far as the rest, when I am bothered by the words or actions of another, I really need to pause. I can also be overly sensitive and can take things personally that were not intended for harm. I use the tools we are given, identify my part and determine next steps if any. It can be as simple as ignoring it, leaving the room, sharing my feelings, etc. What I know does not work is any expectation that another person's style will magically change because I am offended or bothered by it. Just as I have my baggage I bring into a relationship, so do others. I always need to examine my motives and if they want, expect or intend to change another, I have more work to do on me.
I spent the weekend with my high school gal pals, and we discussed the sexual harassment/assault issue slightly. I say slightly as even though we were all women and most likely had all experienced some form of this in our lives, we actually had mixed beliefs on what was happening. It was very interesting that this hot button topic of today is not even viewed the same by a group of women. I am not excusing men in any way shape or form yet I do know that they just don't get it. Apparently, neither do some of us females either.
Good to see you hear sweetie and good to hear you're bumping up program - for me, that does often bring a bit more clarity and esteem. (((Hugs)))
(((Andromeda)) I am so sorry that you were subjected to that attack. That is extremely unsettling. When in business , I made it a rule never to go to a client's or co workers home, but choose to connect at a coffee shop, or my business conference room instead --as you have found people tend become too comfortable at their home and a neutral meeting place is best
As for sarcasm I too learned to return sarcasm for sarcasm but found that his was a destructive form of communication. . I then used alanon tools to help me to say what I mean and mean what I say so that in the example you offered i would probably say "i know it sounds like a dangerous activity, however i have investigated it and believe it will be safe as well as a great way to celebrate.-- As for my insurance ",that is "Not a bad idea I will check that out ."
I handle sarcasm with the truth and it works every time
Andromeda I am really hoping that man has consequences to face for his actions. Men understand real consequences before they attempt change and if there are none the problem gets worse and the victims many.
Current news is all about what you have gone thru. I am a man and have and will put another guy away for criminal behavior. He gave himself permission to abuse you and that is a crime. How trusting do your feel about your profession now?
In support (((hugs)))
Thank you all for the feedback. I have often felt that I need to grow a tougher outer skin but that it would also benefit my SO if he were to soften up a bit, lol. We're on totally opposite sides of the spectrum. My appreciation for his humor just isn't there because I get my panties in a bunch quite a bit but I also tend to not understand hurtful sarcasm and I can't decipher if the person means what they say or if they're just using humor as their own defense mechanism, etc.
I think I struggle with sarcasm so much is because I can't tell if it's supposed to be truly funny or if it's meant to be hurtful? I used to be the only kid on the bus who did't get the jokes being told. I struggle with humor and struggle even more when I try to use it, lol. My bf thinks he's funny all the time and I look at him like he's got three heads because I just don't get it.
I guess we're all just works in progress, but today I'm finding it hard to extend grace to him and to myself right now. We have been fighting a lot lately and it's mostly because I'm taking things personally, getting riled up about stuff, or I'm confronting him about hurting my feelings. It's like we're in a cycle right now and I don't know how to get out of it.
As for the perv prospect......not much I can do about it. It's par for the course in this job. I asked around and talked to quite a few other female advisors and they had similar stories. Not to the point where they were kissed but advances were made and they were made to feel uncomfortable. In our career, 80% of financial advisers are male. Women are often treated as being less than in some firms but also by male prospects who aren't very developed with their thinking or acceptance of women in this role. I often go to meetings with 12 other advisors and I'm the only female so I've gotten used to being surrounded by men. But, all of the men I know in the field are respectful. it's these weirdos that bug me and make my life more scary and less predictable. I'm still feeling violated and irritated about the whole thing.