I am currently seething with anger, feeling out of control and just pissed off. I thought I had a handle on blaming my qualifier for what I have to go through, but I guess I don't. I've just spent 20 minutes bawling my eyes out because I am so angry! At this moment, I can't just sit with "It is is, what it is."
My son and I went from having really good health insurance with doctors we love and have been with for over 20 years (DS 17 years), to doctors we don't even know, and coverage that is crap. After the initial MediCal enrollment, they force you to "pick a plan." So I did my best, researched my choices and made them. Our cards finally come and they are not the doctors I chose! So now more research has to be done, calls made etc. I just found out that the chiropractic care they advertise about is only available to people pregnant, 21 or younger, or in a nursing facility. I am neither of those, and I need bi-monthly adjustments for my bad back (old injury) so that I can keep from being completely laid up in bed.
Not only is that issue angering me, but I am finding that my resentment for my AH has come back full-bore! Because of him, we no longer have our good insurance. And I am mad at myself for trusting him. Back when he was released from rehab for meth (6 years ago), I had managed to obtain good insurance for myself and my son, all on my own (I was working a much better paying job then). 2 years into his recovery, he found a great job with wonderful benefits. He encouraged me to change insurances. But a tiny part of me wanted to not do this. It was the tiny voice inside me that said, "What if this happens again?" So I was resistant. But he kept after me b/c 1) the money we'd save and 2. (here's the kicker for me) I am not supporting his recovery by keeping those "What if" feelings. And my Al-Anon group did agree with that part... don't stay in the "What if" zone, so-to-speak. But right now, I am kicking myself in the a$$ for not holding onto my power. I gave it all away & became so dependent on him and his earnings. I did not listen to that little voice that was warning me... and now I am paying the price.
Ugh! I guess today is my pity party. Sorry for the rant. I guess I just need today to feel bad.
PosiesandPuppies said
Nov 7, 2017
I think I will write a gratitude list. I know many of you do this... even if you feel you don't have much to feel grateful for... it seems to work.
I will do this today. Because my head knows I have plenty to be grateful for...Hopefully, it will quell the anger living inside me.
WestMan said
Nov 7, 2017
Hi there Posies&Puppies, that really stinks and I'm sorry you're having to deal with that. The "little voice" is a frustrating guide at best. I have it going off all the time these days. I know some of it is just my own insecurities and it would be unfair to make decisions if that's all it is. But then I also think that it is best if I default on the side of protecting my children's and my well-being. It can be difficult to know which fears are legitimate and which are overblown and the higher the stakes the more difficult it is.
Your post gives me food for thought.
-- Edited by WestMan on Tuesday 7th of November 2017 01:43:58 PM
PosiesandPuppies said
Nov 7, 2017
Thanks for the support, Westman. Over the years, I have come to know that my "little voice" is seldom wrong... it may take awhile for things to be evident, but it's usually correct. It is when my head starts rationalizing or trying to change or control that voice... that is when things go awry. IMHO, it is always best to default on the side of protecting your/your children's well-being... even if it hurts emotionally.
I have been following your story...peace & serenity for you today!
SerenityRUS said
Nov 7, 2017
I'm having similar feelings at the moment and here's what my therapist has told me in the past. Anger is a healthy response to an unreasonable situation. The trick is not getting stuck in the would have, could have, should have's which are easy to get stuck in and not get out of so I encourage you to be gentle with yourself while trying to navigate. I do encourage you to feel your anger and move forward, don't deny it there's no point and there's no need to react either.
After the email I received from my XAH regarding his relationship with the kids (after all it's my fault he doesn't have a relationship with them and they only ask them for financial help, never mind he only calls 4x a year), I am going to take a big breath and try to remember that anger is a great motivator for change. I don't have to make any decisions right this second.
So when you are ready on your terms address everything head on and deal with what is, things seem to go much smoother for me.
Hugs S :)
Maresie25 said
Nov 7, 2017
Do some research on low cost chiropractors in your area. I have had to dig deep to get therapy. I consider it a journey.
The ex A once promised to get me on his veterans plan. I don't know if I would have been better off if I had taken that option it would have been
more entanglement.
There are people who want to help out those who are low income There are interns and more. I understand the disappointment and the what if's.
I have had to let go of the what if's because nothing is "given" when you are around an alcoholic/addict.
Medi cal is certainly very limiting and I have been down that route.
On the other hand I am aware I may not find a therapist who I can work with. I have certainly had a lot of different therapists in the past.
I don't know I can hold the ex A responsible anymore for all of my ill's. I think it was part of my unreasonable expectations to think an addict/alcoholic would be reasonable and
responsible. He never was before as far as I can tell. I would just get sucked into all his justifications, manipulations and projections.
Of course at a certain point my own finances took a dive, not to mention the amount of stress I lived under with his constant usage.
I felt grief stricken and angry for a long time. Now I just feel relieved that I no longer have to deal with that.
I hope you get some relief from feeling that you were short changed.
The ex A who I was with destroyed his health and is totally disabled. I could have been left dealing with that.
Some alcoholics/addicts go full throttle in destroying everything around them.
Maresie.
PosiesandPuppies said
Nov 7, 2017
Thank you, Serenity. I guess after weeks of feeling kind of numb, this anger I have is taking me by surprise. Well, not surprise... I mean, I DID leave, he is an alcoholic. so it's not like I didn't know... it's just that I have resentment towards him for all that I am going through. I mean, for quite some time now, I knew I didn't really love him, but my life was good. Yea, he wasn't a good partner, nor a great father, but we were provided for, and had most of what we needed. I guess I am selfishly mad that life is now gone, and I am frustrated by the one I have now - even with it being mostly drama free and peaceful right now. I guess I am stuck with the feelings of "If only, he would've accepted my support and help long ago, he would still have his job, and we'd still have our life (as low-key/middle class as it was). Now I live at poverty level, by the graces of my parents and I get frustrated every day about what bill I can't pay, or what thing I can't provide for my kid. To top it off, this Thursday at my son's school they have a 'Cash for College' night... counselors will help with filling out the FAFSA etc. I have to bring the last two years of tax information - which has no bearing on what is my son's reality right now - and I'll probably have to discuss that I am on state and federal assistance. In reality, I think it's hatred that I feel now, and it scares me a little.
Maresie - that is some good advice... I will see if my last chiropractor will see me at a reduced price... if not, then I will research any low cost chiros.
andromeda said
Nov 7, 2017
I understand and second Serenity's input here. Just breathe and take care of you. Do research on what is available to you, find alternatives, etc. There are sites where you can order labs online and pay for them online and then take the order to a local lab. You can then give your doc the results BEFORE your appointment and feel more empowered over your health.
I feel your frustration. Sending you lots of hugs and support!
PosiesandPuppies said
Nov 8, 2017
Thank you, andromeda!
Just posting my thoughts here has taken some of the sting out of them.
SerenityRUS said
Nov 8, 2017
Just putting out some random thoughts on terms of statistics .. when women divorce their income goes down 70% at a min. I'm generalizing I realize however that is the "norm". That is a huge step backwards and imagine being older having to start over. It's not right. My ex-spouse just seems to go through life acting as if he has no responsibility while making much more than I do and he's remarried and I'm suppose to figure out what to do about the kids. It's difficult to let go of that expectation of I had it planned out. I don't want to go back lol .. when I'm paying out for college and jack ass won't finish paying for braces. I'm dealing with the collateral damage. Hugs s :)
Iamhere said
Nov 8, 2017
(((PnP))) - I am so sorry that 'life' is throwing curve balls. I am glad to hear that writing it down and sharing has brought some relief! I do believe that anger is a normal healthy emotion that we all encounter. For me, before recovery, I allowed it to grow and fester inside of me and blamed others for what was/is. In recovery, it seems easier to process the anger, take some action, research the facts and determine how best I can move forward. I didn't have all 'this' before, so often stayed stuck in the anger, negative emotions, etc.
I see wonderful Recovery in Action - you make mention of a gratitude list as well as considering actions for moving forward. For me, I added to my tool kit the slogan of, "It could be worse...." And that's where a gratitude list can come from - I could be homeless (been there, done that), hungry, bankrupt, unemployed, sick, etc.
I also need to lean into my sponsor when life throws curve balls. If I don't, I tend to return to an egotistical way of thinking which just feeds the self-pity I can muster up. This disease for me can magnify things and make them much worse than they are. Keeping it simple and trusting that this too shall pass helps me stay in today and what I can do for today for me/my recovery.
Keep doing you - you are a success and you are worthy! (((Hugs)))
katie cat lover said
Nov 8, 2017
Totally relate to this post and the anger. I was so angry at myself for not having protected me....for thinking it was going to be different this time. I protect me now. I just daren't give away my power again. I daren't. I'm probably a bit obsessive re this but the fear of being let down again by another human being is so powerful for me.
Katie.
milkwood said
Nov 8, 2017
I don't like feeling angry PnP, it exhausts me - but when I felt it like a tornado, I came to welcome it as a precursor of all my other feelings coming back to me as well. I was numbed for far too long and now I can see how anger or anxiety can be helpful to me when I stop and listen to what they are pointing out to me.
You are an inspiration, and thank you for the reminder about gratitude as well. (((((PnP)))))
PosiesandPuppies said
Nov 8, 2017
So I made my Gratitude list. I had exactly 12 things... but to be fair, I was only writing down the major things. Not the everyday little things. And really, there are more things on this list than just a month ago! I've decided to make a conscience effort to thank my HP when I recognize these little things in my daily life. I think it can help.
Serenity - your post gave me pause for thought... I think that is why I am stuck with an inability to decide about divorce. I am sitting with this fear that by divorcing, my AH won't have the compulsion to provide for my son and I. I have this strange notion that by "just being legally separated" he will feel more responsible. So I am thinking through this today... b/c that is me -again- trying to dictate this outcome... trying to direct HIS feelings. Your post was waving a red flag at me that said, "You can't Control him!" LOL. I am sorry that your qualifier is putting you through the ringer. It sucks.
Kaite - Love your forum name! I have two cats of my own... once had 5. As I used to say, "One cat shy of crazy!" LOL! Seriously though, I think maybe a lot of my anger is really at myself. 7 years ago I was devastated. I did not have to leave the home, but was on assistance and the graces of my friends and family. It was a HUGE blow to my ego. I managed to work through that in a relatively quick time - better paying job at the time. After much pressure from husband, I let him come back to the house... and the marriage. I swore to him and more importantly to myself that IF this ever happened again, that would be the end of the marriage for me. I guess I got suckered back in - his WAS a different person... really working his program, almost the man I married. But once back home, within 6 months all that had left. But I was no longer in a position of power to tell him 'THAT'S IT!" Add to that his constant gas-lighting... you know the kind... "Why can't you just support me?" "Why do you always have to question me about stuff?" "You aren't being supportive enough." Blah, blah, blah. So I went back to my old ways of thinking, covering up, denying. Every time I think about it, I cry with anger... AT MYSELF! Ugh! Thank you for giving your ESH. I appreciate knowing I am not alone.
milkwood - I too, don't like feeling angry all the time. It mentally exhausts me too! I think that is why once I got settled in my tiny house, I began to feel numb. I was disassociating really. It was like the problem is now "gone" so I don't have to deal with it/him. Maybe that is why I have so much anger now... because I finally signed the Legal Separation papers, and part of me is yelling "Why aren't they divorce papers?" "What are you trying to hold onto?" Add to that the company that is doing all the paperwork are telling me that if I change my mind, I need to do so BEFORE I serve my AH. So I am feeling pressure... amongst all the other cr@p I am dealing with by just being a mom of a senior.
One day at a time, PNP! Breathe. Focus on today.
Thank you all for responding and sharing your ESH!
Jerry F said
Nov 8, 2017
Anger and frustration is usually the tap root for further hurting myself and damaging what I don't want damaged; like property and body. Learing and practicing the opposites of negative emotions and actions save me a ton of losses; mental, emotional, physical and spiritual. Practicing the opposites keeps me in control of those things...the opposite of anger is acceptance...just the acceptance that they have happened and I am powerless over them from the beginning, during the process and at the end. I didn't cause the disease, cannot control it and am not able to cure it.
The opposite of frustration is patience... Patience for me is calmness of spirit and I get to see more clearly what is going on and what my part in it is and what I might change if I could change anything.
I don't seethe well...tooooo ugly. (((Hugs)))
milkwood said
Nov 8, 2017
(((((PnP))))),
When I first came to these boards I was feeling so inadequate - I too had been hearing "you don't support me." I read the posts here for a few hours and in that time I cried, but I also saw that five other people were being told the same thing by their spouses and yet they were clearly caring decent people who had done more than most to try and help the people they loved. That was how I started to learn and recover and begin to trust my own judgement.
Sometimes I'm amazed at how our bodies give us what we need, when we need it without us even knowing why. I think I felt numb when I needed the rest. I felt denial when I needed to deal with other things. And I felt anger when I was ready to feel it too. Learning to listen to my body and what it is showing me gives me a fast track to what my next right step might be as I listen to what makes me feel calmer and which thoughts are making me tense. (Also I remember when I was a young girl I heard my mother commenting that I only get angry with myself, not with others - learning to cut myself the same amount of slack and forgiveness as I gift to others is a relatively recent new lesson for me!!)
As you say, breath! I love that your gratitude list is flowing so freely. For me, right now I'm sitting by a warm fire with two dogs sleeping peacefully on the rug - I'm grateful for the peace. (And also for the two cats, who are around here somewhere too!! )
PosiesandPuppies said
Nov 9, 2017
Thank you for your ESH, Jerry! I can always take away something from your posts!
milkwood - I took your ESH with me to see my sponsor last night, because I thought what you said was so important...I was confused by the numbness, and surprised by the intensity of the anger (after 3 months out). But what you said made sense. And I am ALWAYS harder on me than anyone else... so I am learning to 'cut myself some slack' as well!Thank you!
Just for today, I HATE my AH!
I am currently seething with anger, feeling out of control and just pissed off. I thought I had a handle on blaming my qualifier for what I have to go through, but I guess I don't. I've just spent 20 minutes bawling my eyes out because I am so angry! At this moment, I can't just sit with "It is is, what it is."
My son and I went from having really good health insurance with doctors we love and have been with for over 20 years (DS 17 years), to doctors we don't even know, and coverage that is crap. After the initial MediCal enrollment, they force you to "pick a plan." So I did my best, researched my choices and made them. Our cards finally come and they are not the doctors I chose! So now more research has to be done, calls made etc. I just found out that the chiropractic care they advertise about is only available to people pregnant, 21 or younger, or in a nursing facility. I am neither of those, and I need bi-monthly adjustments for my bad back (old injury) so that I can keep from being completely laid up in bed.
Not only is that issue angering me, but I am finding that my resentment for my AH has come back full-bore! Because of him, we no longer have our good insurance. And I am mad at myself for trusting him. Back when he was released from rehab for meth (6 years ago), I had managed to obtain good insurance for myself and my son, all on my own (I was working a much better paying job then). 2 years into his recovery, he found a great job with wonderful benefits. He encouraged me to change insurances. But a tiny part of me wanted to not do this. It was the tiny voice inside me that said, "What if this happens again?" So I was resistant. But he kept after me b/c 1) the money we'd save and 2. (here's the kicker for me) I am not supporting his recovery by keeping those "What if" feelings. And my Al-Anon group did agree with that part... don't stay in the "What if" zone, so-to-speak. But right now, I am kicking myself in the a$$ for not holding onto my power. I gave it all away & became so dependent on him and his earnings. I did not listen to that little voice that was warning me... and now I am paying the price.
Ugh! I guess today is my pity party. Sorry for the rant. I guess I just need today to feel bad.
I will do this today. Because my head knows I have plenty to be grateful for...Hopefully, it will quell the anger living inside me.
Hi there Posies&Puppies, that really stinks and I'm sorry you're having to deal with that. The "little voice" is a frustrating guide at best. I have it going off all the time these days. I know some of it is just my own insecurities and it would be unfair to make decisions if that's all it is. But then I also think that it is best if I default on the side of protecting my children's and my well-being. It can be difficult to know which fears are legitimate and which are overblown and the higher the stakes the more difficult it is.
Your post gives me food for thought.
-- Edited by WestMan on Tuesday 7th of November 2017 01:43:58 PM
I have been following your story...peace & serenity for you today!
After the email I received from my XAH regarding his relationship with the kids (after all it's my fault he doesn't have a relationship with them and they only ask them for financial help, never mind he only calls 4x a year), I am going to take a big breath and try to remember that anger is a great motivator for change. I don't have to make any decisions right this second.
So when you are ready on your terms address everything head on and deal with what is, things seem to go much smoother for me.
Hugs S :)
Do some research on low cost chiropractors in your area. I have had to dig deep to get therapy. I consider it a journey.
The ex A once promised to get me on his veterans plan. I don't know if I would have been better off if I had taken that option it would have been
more entanglement.
There are people who want to help out those who are low income There are interns and more. I understand the disappointment and the what if's.
I have had to let go of the what if's because nothing is "given" when you are around an alcoholic/addict.
Medi cal is certainly very limiting and I have been down that route.
On the other hand I am aware I may not find a therapist who I can work with. I have certainly had a lot of different therapists in the past.
I don't know I can hold the ex A responsible anymore for all of my ill's. I think it was part of my unreasonable expectations to think an addict/alcoholic would be reasonable and
responsible. He never was before as far as I can tell. I would just get sucked into all his justifications, manipulations and projections.
Of course at a certain point my own finances took a dive, not to mention the amount of stress I lived under with his constant usage.
I felt grief stricken and angry for a long time. Now I just feel relieved that I no longer have to deal with that.
I hope you get some relief from feeling that you were short changed.
The ex A who I was with destroyed his health and is totally disabled. I could have been left dealing with that.
Some alcoholics/addicts go full throttle in destroying everything around them.
Maresie.
Thank you, Serenity. I guess after weeks of feeling kind of numb, this anger I have is taking me by surprise. Well, not surprise... I mean, I DID leave, he is an alcoholic. so it's not like I didn't know... it's just that I have resentment towards him for all that I am going through. I mean, for quite some time now, I knew I didn't really love him, but my life was good. Yea, he wasn't a good partner, nor a great father, but we were provided for, and had most of what we needed. I guess I am selfishly mad that life is now gone, and I am frustrated by the one I have now - even with it being mostly drama free and peaceful right now. I guess I am stuck with the feelings of "If only, he would've accepted my support and help long ago, he would still have his job, and we'd still have our life (as low-key/middle class as it was). Now I live at poverty level, by the graces of my parents and I get frustrated every day about what bill I can't pay, or what thing I can't provide for my kid. To top it off, this Thursday at my son's school they have a 'Cash for College' night... counselors will help with filling out the FAFSA etc. I have to bring the last two years of tax information - which has no bearing on what is my son's reality right now - and I'll probably have to discuss that I am on state and federal assistance. In reality, I think it's hatred that I feel now, and it scares me a little.
Maresie - that is some good advice... I will see if my last chiropractor will see me at a reduced price... if not, then I will research any low cost chiros.
I feel your frustration. Sending you lots of hugs and support!
Just posting my thoughts here has taken some of the sting out of them.
I see wonderful Recovery in Action - you make mention of a gratitude list as well as considering actions for moving forward. For me, I added to my tool kit the slogan of, "It could be worse...." And that's where a gratitude list can come from - I could be homeless (been there, done that), hungry, bankrupt, unemployed, sick, etc.
I also need to lean into my sponsor when life throws curve balls. If I don't, I tend to return to an egotistical way of thinking which just feeds the self-pity I can muster up. This disease for me can magnify things and make them much worse than they are. Keeping it simple and trusting that this too shall pass helps me stay in today and what I can do for today for me/my recovery.
Keep doing you - you are a success and you are worthy! (((Hugs)))
Totally relate to this post and the anger. I was so angry at myself for not having protected me....for thinking it was going to be different this time. I protect me now. I just daren't give away my power again. I daren't. I'm probably a bit obsessive re this but the fear of being let down again by another human being is so powerful for me.
Katie.
You are an inspiration, and thank you for the reminder about gratitude as well. (((((PnP)))))
So I made my Gratitude list. I had exactly 12 things... but to be fair, I was only writing down the major things. Not the everyday little things. And really, there are more things on this list than just a month ago! I've decided to make a conscience effort to thank my HP when I recognize these little things in my daily life. I think it can help.
Serenity - your post gave me pause for thought... I think that is why I am stuck with an inability to decide about divorce. I am sitting with this fear that by divorcing, my AH won't have the compulsion to provide for my son and I. I have this strange notion that by "just being legally separated" he will feel more responsible. So I am thinking through this today... b/c that is me -again- trying to dictate this outcome... trying to direct HIS feelings. Your post was waving a red flag at me that said, "You can't Control him!" LOL. I am sorry that your qualifier is putting you through the ringer. It sucks.
Kaite - Love your forum name! I have two cats of my own... once had 5. As I used to say, "One cat shy of crazy!" LOL! Seriously though, I think maybe a lot of my anger is really at myself. 7 years ago I was devastated. I did not have to leave the home, but was on assistance and the graces of my friends and family. It was a HUGE blow to my ego. I managed to work through that in a relatively quick time - better paying job at the time. After much pressure from husband, I let him come back to the house... and the marriage. I swore to him and more importantly to myself that IF this ever happened again, that would be the end of the marriage for me. I guess I got suckered back in - his WAS a different person... really working his program, almost the man I married. But once back home, within 6 months all that had left. But I was no longer in a position of power to tell him 'THAT'S IT!" Add to that his constant gas-lighting... you know the kind... "Why can't you just support me?" "Why do you always have to question me about stuff?" "You aren't being supportive enough." Blah, blah, blah. So I went back to my old ways of thinking, covering up, denying. Every time I think about it, I cry with anger... AT MYSELF! Ugh! Thank you for giving your ESH. I appreciate knowing I am not alone.
milkwood - I too, don't like feeling angry all the time. It mentally exhausts me too! I think that is why once I got settled in my tiny house, I began to feel numb. I was disassociating really. It was like the problem is now "gone" so I don't have to deal with it/him. Maybe that is why I have so much anger now... because I finally signed the Legal Separation papers, and part of me is yelling "Why aren't they divorce papers?" "What are you trying to hold onto?" Add to that the company that is doing all the paperwork are telling me that if I change my mind, I need to do so BEFORE I serve my AH. So I am feeling pressure... amongst all the other cr@p I am dealing with by just being a mom of a senior.
One day at a time, PNP! Breathe. Focus on today.
Thank you all for responding and sharing your ESH!
Anger and frustration is usually the tap root for further hurting myself and damaging what I don't want damaged; like property and body. Learing and practicing the opposites of negative emotions and actions save me a ton of losses; mental, emotional, physical and spiritual. Practicing the opposites keeps me in control of those things...the opposite of anger is acceptance...just the acceptance that they have happened and I am powerless over them from the beginning, during the process and at the end. I didn't cause the disease, cannot control it and am not able to cure it.
The opposite of frustration is patience... Patience for me is calmness of spirit and I get to see more clearly what is going on and what my part in it is and what I might change if I could change anything.
I don't seethe well...tooooo ugly. (((Hugs)))
When I first came to these boards I was feeling so inadequate - I too had been hearing "you don't support me." I read the posts here for a few hours and in that time I cried, but I also saw that five other people were being told the same thing by their spouses and yet they were clearly caring decent people who had done more than most to try and help the people they loved. That was how I started to learn and recover and begin to trust my own judgement.
Sometimes I'm amazed at how our bodies give us what we need, when we need it without us even knowing why. I think I felt numb when I needed the rest. I felt denial when I needed to deal with other things. And I felt anger when I was ready to feel it too. Learning to listen to my body and what it is showing me gives me a fast track to what my next right step might be as I listen to what makes me feel calmer and which thoughts are making me tense. (Also I remember when I was a young girl I heard my mother commenting that I only get angry with myself, not with others - learning to cut myself the same amount of slack and forgiveness as I gift to others is a relatively recent new lesson for me!!)
As you say, breath! I love that your gratitude list is flowing so freely. For me, right now I'm sitting by a warm fire with two dogs sleeping peacefully on the rug - I'm grateful for the peace. (And also for the two cats, who are around here somewhere too!!
milkwood - I took your ESH with me to see my sponsor last night, because I thought what you said was so important...I was confused by the numbness, and surprised by the intensity of the anger (after 3 months out). But what you said made sense. And I am ALWAYS harder on me than anyone else... so I am learning to 'cut myself some slack' as well!Thank you!