I'm going to dismiss most of this to hormones because that's what it seems to be based upon the calendar however that doesn't change my frustration at the moment.
My daughter and I had an outstanding visit that was LONG overdue. A month is to long for her not to be home and I do think some of it is that she comes home and going back to school is hard. She's got a LOT of realities to deal with and has had some hard lessons the last 2 weeks. We talked about the issue of her dad, his crazy and what she was wanting out of whatever relationship she could have with him. Let's not mention the issue of NO job, bills and one of her classes technically 2 and she's been avoiding it.
Not going to lie I'm the one having a hard time with her opening up a relationship with her dad and maybe I should have forced the contact although I look at others and I'm sooo grateful I did not, it made leaving the state for me so much easier. Plus the kids didn't want to see him. I think what I have a hard time with is feeling that she's being disloyal to me. I do all the heavy lifting and he gets credit .. that does piss me off I'm not going to lie and again we had a really good conversation about it. I think we both left feeling heard and she only wants a superficial relationship with him and not much more than that. I did let her know it would honestly crush me at the moment if all of a sudden she decides to do the holiday's with them and while that was mine to deal with in terms of emotionally it would be hard. She understood and just said .. seriously mom .. why would I spend the holidays with them any time soon .. you see how fast dad has gotten back to me regarding the bills and so on.
The other realization she had was I don't want to be involved in her relationship with her dad .. I have zero respect for him. So she did say I think I need to be the one to have the discussions about money, college and so on and I said YES PLEASE .. LOL .. I never wanted to be involve.
I sent him an email last week and just said if he would like not to have financial responsibility for the kid/s please let me know and I would be open to a discussion about terminating rights. I am not interested in him being involved if we are going to have two different discussions going on because the conversation he is having with me is NOT the conversation he had with the girlie. What do you know I got a response. He paid some bills .. so we will have to go and fight about more because the damn moron thinks I have the kids on MY insurance which I can't afford. UGH.
It's like why does the conversation have to go there .. LOL? Do what you say you are going to do and move forward.
I can't stand him. Do keep in mind he never sees the kids so what he pays in child support is ALL he pays so when he whines about money I hear the worlds smallest violin playing in the back of my mind considering my income is 1/3 of his and I'm willing to help my kid .. he can too.
Oh by the way not a word about his "ailments" so no I don't believe he is ill. I know he's hurt his back however that's just not my problem. This is how he tries to manipulate the situation and no I don't care how he comes up with the money it's just not my problem.
Hugs S :)
Iamhere said
Nov 7, 2017
(((Serenity))) - I am sorry that you're still struggling. I've always felt that relationships with others are the hardest part of an earthly existence and I must admit - baffle me more than most other things. I do know that when I set aside my own will and my own ego and truly surrender to God's will, I feel more peace even if things still appear fuzzy and messed up.
My sponsor suggests to me often when I am focused beyond myself to return to Step 1 - I am powerless over _________________. And as much as I wish I was only powerless over alcohol, the alcoholic and the chaos/insanity it brings, I am powerless over much more. Being reminded often helps me grow more and align better with this spiritual journey.
I'm sending you tons of positive energy and prayers. You're a wonderful mother and FIR (Friend in Recovery) - hold on tight to that and be gentle with you!
PosiesandPuppies said
Nov 7, 2017
Sending you support today... what you have to deal with sounds difficult and trying.
SerenityRUS said
Nov 8, 2017
I am trying to regain my footing at the moment and stop the spinning. What I have done is start to figure out what my options are, when I see what my options are that helps me figure out what my choices/consequences are and deal with those directly.
It's so hard to watch my girl set herself up. I think that needs to happen. I can tell I am dealing with the current wife at the moment after I asked not to the emails are to intelligent. His mind is not organized in that way. So I am choosing my words extremely carefully.
My bottom line frustration at the moment is I'm so done. I'm tired of having to expand energy on a situation that is wasted space. The reality is if I want anything to be done then that's what is going to have to happen. I am rationalizing with two people who do not believe they need to do anything outside of child support for the kids. It just makes me want to stick them in a room with no lights and random pieces of furniture while barefooted would be a nice touch with some random glass on the floor .. ugh .. that's utterly how disgusted I am with their so called father.
Thankfully I think my hormone issue has ebbed a bit so at least I can get through the day without spontaneous tears .. LOL .. that has so not been fun over the past two days. I really dislike being a girl at times. UGH. Hormones are for the birds and getting older and hormones are totally uncool.
Anyway, just for today I breathe and think about what is best for the kids and I in the long run.
Hugs S :)
el-cee said
Nov 9, 2017
Hi Serenity, glad your feeling better. I can understand how you feel. Im trying to think of program tools that helped me with accepting the things people and places I couldnt change and how I got to the place where my ex had no power over me to raise emotions good or bad.
It came down to understanding the disease and seeing that he was not evil, bad or deliberately setting out to hurt me and the our children. Not easy especially when the responsibility for looking after them fell on me.
I came to a point where I saw how much power he had over me and my mind when I got angry due to whatever he did and of course there's lots of examples and on and on they go. I had given away my whole self to him for years, he was the one controlling my moods, he was controlling my fear, my anger, if he was in a good mood and sober then I was in a good mood and harmony came for all of us. If his behaviour was bad then that was the whole family up in arms. So much power handed to a sick person and to be honest by a sick person, i became just as sick.
Getting into recovery showed me the power I gave him over me my family, my peace of mind and I worked hard to diminish that power. Working on forgiveness was the biggest freedom tool for me, forgiving him for each and every one on my list of misdemeanors and there were lots all carefully stored away for me to pull out regularly to remind myself why I hated him and why he deserved it. Then came compassion and I had to practice over and over and im not talking about sympathy, Im talking about just understanding the disease that has control of his mind and thanking God its not me and then I can feel compassion and I show it by making amends to my kids by not saying a word against him, hes their Father and they are allowed to make up their own minds today.
He no longer has power over me anymore, he doesnt get to make me angry with his irrational thought processes. No way. He can continue being whatever he wants to be but I say who or what makes me angry and lots of people places things still do but not him anymore. I hope you get that freedom because its painful.
SerenityRUS said
Nov 9, 2017
LOL .. he has no power here and this is about me and my frustration of not being heard. Some of it is the fact that I am trying to reconcile my daughters need for disappointment. Right now she's looking for acceptance from someone who is incapable from looking out of his thinking and that truly is between them. If he truly knew her and knew all of her he would reject her on the spot. I say that knowing his hypocrisy.
Something that really struck me in reading other posts is no one gets to tell me or anyone else how to feel, how to process and where I should or shouldn't be in my/their program. If someone is angry it is a healthy response to an unreasonable situation. This IS an unreasonable situation. His kid worked her butt off figured out 80% of the grant money she got for college and then got slammed with a health issue right before the start of school. This is the same man who told both of his kids they were "retarded and stupid" during a visitation to "impress" his current wife as to how funny he is. So his thought process is a mess to put it mild and he's not ok. It is the 20% that I wish I could help her with and my anger is probably more directed at myself for giving him so much financial power over me when I should have been looking out for myself and the kids. That's a mistake I will not repeat again. I will always remain financially independent from whomever I am with and it' been a sticking point with my current BF who is talking marriage and I'm just not ready or interested today.
The process for me is not getting stuck in those feelings because they aren't facts and I am ultimately responsible for the level of satisfaction, happiness, healthiness and so on in my own life. I am very proud of the fact my kid figured some things out, there is nothing wrong with her asking her dad for help. HE offered it to her and then proceeded to tell ME he wouldn't help her.
So the fact is he is sick and it is ok with me for him to be in his sick thinking and I don't have to participate in his thinking. I accept I am powerless over his craziness I don't have to like it. I still get to have feelings of anger about the situation because while life isn't fair I get to have the occasional tantrum, discussion with my higher power and a possible lightening bolt his direction and just once smack him in the butt and possible that will jar where his brain is to a healthier thought process. Sigh .. one can certainly wish .. LOL. It's a thought and then it doesn't last until someone tells me I don't feel the way I do. YES .. I felt a lot of resentment over the past week for many reasons that are financially motivated, and because he refused to have a discussion. I realize he is incapable of having a discussion. It would be nice if he could for one min stop punishing me and think about the kids. Supposedly he's not drinking at least at the moment so not my business and I don't care.
My sponsor was a big advocate about praying for our ex's and I am grateful when she shared that her X when it came to the amends portion of things after 25 years it would cause her harm to do so. To the best of my knowledge she forgave him however never did a physical step 9. She was a very faithful woman who prayed for her X daily, usually multiple times throughout the day .. IF I get there I will be very grateful. At this point I am grateful that I can ask others to pray for him and the God of my understanding knows my heart and works on me daily and I leave my X to Him as well as others.
I don't know about other people's higher power .. to deny my anger is a bigger sin than saying I am angry. I spent my childhood being told I wasn't seeing what I was seeing and I wasn't feeling what I was feeling and I choose not to do that as an adult. I push back really hard when I feel that someone is telling me I am "imagining" my feelings or I'm not feeling what I'm feeling .. lol.
No my X doesn't "make me" angry that is my response to an unreasonable situation and once again that is the healthy response. What I do with that anger is my responsibility. If I act out or if I act up on me. It motivates me to move a muscle and change a thought. Be it a gratitude list, hanging out with my kids, doing something creative, focusing on what is vs what I want the situation to be, reading alanon lit, or aa lit for that matter helps me a great deal, then I win in doing so and I stop remaining stuck or get off the track at least enough to refocus and figure things out.
I know I have grown a LOT because my "old" response to my daughter telling me that she wanted to have a relationship with her dad would be to cut off ill portion/negativity instead of treating it. I would just choose not to deal with it and I am really trying to work through a lot of emotional stuff at the moment. More because I am trying to do something different. It is HARD .. OMGOSH .. LOL .. add the hormones and survival mode of the moment I'm just tired and really need to do something fun.
I have not responded to the latest email and I'm trying to do so in a place where I am in a good space and I am not currently, I am in a space of needing to be gentle with myself.
S :)
el-cee said
Nov 10, 2017
Sounds like a wise sponsor. I like what you say about anger and that its normal and ok to feel it. For me due to how i was effected by alcoholism anger boiled inside me and for many years it was a major block or a wall and it stopped me feeling joyful or happy. It had a negative effect on me and my life. I know i will always experience anger and I have tools to let it pass without acting on it. I interpreted your post as anger being a problem you were struggling with so i was offering you my experience strength and hope. Its got me thinking about anger differently and i like when that happens i get the opportunity to see thngs differently from another perspective and it helps me grow so thanks.
I'm going to dismiss most of this to hormones because that's what it seems to be based upon the calendar however that doesn't change my frustration at the moment.
My daughter and I had an outstanding visit that was LONG overdue. A month is to long for her not to be home and I do think some of it is that she comes home and going back to school is hard. She's got a LOT of realities to deal with and has had some hard lessons the last 2 weeks. We talked about the issue of her dad, his crazy and what she was wanting out of whatever relationship she could have with him. Let's not mention the issue of NO job, bills and one of her classes technically 2 and she's been avoiding it.
Not going to lie I'm the one having a hard time with her opening up a relationship with her dad and maybe I should have forced the contact although I look at others and I'm sooo grateful I did not, it made leaving the state for me so much easier. Plus the kids didn't want to see him. I think what I have a hard time with is feeling that she's being disloyal to me. I do all the heavy lifting and he gets credit .. that does piss me off I'm not going to lie and again we had a really good conversation about it. I think we both left feeling heard and she only wants a superficial relationship with him and not much more than that. I did let her know it would honestly crush me at the moment if all of a sudden she decides to do the holiday's with them and while that was mine to deal with in terms of emotionally it would be hard. She understood and just said .. seriously mom .. why would I spend the holidays with them any time soon .. you see how fast dad has gotten back to me regarding the bills and so on.
The other realization she had was I don't want to be involved in her relationship with her dad .. I have zero respect for him. So she did say I think I need to be the one to have the discussions about money, college and so on and I said YES PLEASE .. LOL .. I never wanted to be involve.
I sent him an email last week and just said if he would like not to have financial responsibility for the kid/s please let me know and I would be open to a discussion about terminating rights. I am not interested in him being involved if we are going to have two different discussions going on because the conversation he is having with me is NOT the conversation he had with the girlie. What do you know I got a response. He paid some bills .. so we will have to go and fight about more because the damn moron thinks I have the kids on MY insurance which I can't afford. UGH.
It's like why does the conversation have to go there .. LOL? Do what you say you are going to do and move forward.
I can't stand him. Do keep in mind he never sees the kids so what he pays in child support is ALL he pays so when he whines about money I hear the worlds smallest violin playing in the back of my mind considering my income is 1/3 of his and I'm willing to help my kid .. he can too.
Oh by the way not a word about his "ailments" so no I don't believe he is ill. I know he's hurt his back however that's just not my problem. This is how he tries to manipulate the situation and no I don't care how he comes up with the money it's just not my problem.
Hugs S :)
My sponsor suggests to me often when I am focused beyond myself to return to Step 1 - I am powerless over _________________. And as much as I wish I was only powerless over alcohol, the alcoholic and the chaos/insanity it brings, I am powerless over much more. Being reminded often helps me grow more and align better with this spiritual journey.
I'm sending you tons of positive energy and prayers. You're a wonderful mother and FIR (Friend in Recovery) - hold on tight to that and be gentle with you!
It's so hard to watch my girl set herself up. I think that needs to happen. I can tell I am dealing with the current wife at the moment after I asked not to the emails are to intelligent. His mind is not organized in that way. So I am choosing my words extremely carefully.
My bottom line frustration at the moment is I'm so done. I'm tired of having to expand energy on a situation that is wasted space. The reality is if I want anything to be done then that's what is going to have to happen. I am rationalizing with two people who do not believe they need to do anything outside of child support for the kids. It just makes me want to stick them in a room with no lights and random pieces of furniture while barefooted would be a nice touch with some random glass on the floor .. ugh .. that's utterly how disgusted I am with their so called father.
Thankfully I think my hormone issue has ebbed a bit so at least I can get through the day without spontaneous tears .. LOL .. that has so not been fun over the past two days. I really dislike being a girl at times. UGH. Hormones are for the birds and getting older and hormones are totally uncool.
Anyway, just for today I breathe and think about what is best for the kids and I in the long run.
Hugs S :)
It came down to understanding the disease and seeing that he was not evil, bad or deliberately setting out to hurt me and the our children. Not easy especially when the responsibility for looking after them fell on me.
I came to a point where I saw how much power he had over me and my mind when I got angry due to whatever he did and of course there's lots of examples and on and on they go. I had given away my whole self to him for years, he was the one controlling my moods, he was controlling my fear, my anger, if he was in a good mood and sober then I was in a good mood and harmony came for all of us. If his behaviour was bad then that was the whole family up in arms. So much power handed to a sick person and to be honest by a sick person, i became just as sick.
Getting into recovery showed me the power I gave him over me my family, my peace of mind and I worked hard to diminish that power. Working on forgiveness was the biggest freedom tool for me, forgiving him for each and every one on my list of misdemeanors and there were lots all carefully stored away for me to pull out regularly to remind myself why I hated him and why he deserved it. Then came compassion and I had to practice over and over and im not talking about sympathy, Im talking about just understanding the disease that has control of his mind and thanking God its not me and then I can feel compassion and I show it by making amends to my kids by not saying a word against him, hes their Father and they are allowed to make up their own minds today.
He no longer has power over me anymore, he doesnt get to make me angry with his irrational thought processes. No way. He can continue being whatever he wants to be but I say who or what makes me angry and lots of people places things still do but not him anymore. I hope you get that freedom because its painful.
Something that really struck me in reading other posts is no one gets to tell me or anyone else how to feel, how to process and where I should or shouldn't be in my/their program. If someone is angry it is a healthy response to an unreasonable situation. This IS an unreasonable situation. His kid worked her butt off figured out 80% of the grant money she got for college and then got slammed with a health issue right before the start of school. This is the same man who told both of his kids they were "retarded and stupid" during a visitation to "impress" his current wife as to how funny he is. So his thought process is a mess to put it mild and he's not ok. It is the 20% that I wish I could help her with and my anger is probably more directed at myself for giving him so much financial power over me when I should have been looking out for myself and the kids. That's a mistake I will not repeat again. I will always remain financially independent from whomever I am with and it' been a sticking point with my current BF who is talking marriage and I'm just not ready or interested today.
The process for me is not getting stuck in those feelings because they aren't facts and I am ultimately responsible for the level of satisfaction, happiness, healthiness and so on in my own life. I am very proud of the fact my kid figured some things out, there is nothing wrong with her asking her dad for help. HE offered it to her and then proceeded to tell ME he wouldn't help her.
So the fact is he is sick and it is ok with me for him to be in his sick thinking and I don't have to participate in his thinking. I accept I am powerless over his craziness I don't have to like it. I still get to have feelings of anger about the situation because while life isn't fair I get to have the occasional tantrum, discussion with my higher power and a possible lightening bolt his direction and just once smack him in the butt and possible that will jar where his brain is to a healthier thought process. Sigh .. one can certainly wish .. LOL. It's a thought and then it doesn't last until someone tells me I don't feel the way I do. YES .. I felt a lot of resentment over the past week for many reasons that are financially motivated, and because he refused to have a discussion. I realize he is incapable of having a discussion. It would be nice if he could for one min stop punishing me and think about the kids. Supposedly he's not drinking at least at the moment so not my business and I don't care.
My sponsor was a big advocate about praying for our ex's and I am grateful when she shared that her X when it came to the amends portion of things after 25 years it would cause her harm to do so. To the best of my knowledge she forgave him however never did a physical step 9. She was a very faithful woman who prayed for her X daily, usually multiple times throughout the day .. IF I get there I will be very grateful. At this point I am grateful that I can ask others to pray for him and the God of my understanding knows my heart and works on me daily and I leave my X to Him as well as others.
I don't know about other people's higher power .. to deny my anger is a bigger sin than saying I am angry. I spent my childhood being told I wasn't seeing what I was seeing and I wasn't feeling what I was feeling and I choose not to do that as an adult. I push back really hard when I feel that someone is telling me I am "imagining" my feelings or I'm not feeling what I'm feeling .. lol.
No my X doesn't "make me" angry that is my response to an unreasonable situation and once again that is the healthy response. What I do with that anger is my responsibility. If I act out or if I act up on me. It motivates me to move a muscle and change a thought. Be it a gratitude list, hanging out with my kids, doing something creative, focusing on what is vs what I want the situation to be, reading alanon lit, or aa lit for that matter helps me a great deal, then I win in doing so and I stop remaining stuck or get off the track at least enough to refocus and figure things out.
I know I have grown a LOT because my "old" response to my daughter telling me that she wanted to have a relationship with her dad would be to cut off ill portion/negativity instead of treating it. I would just choose not to deal with it and I am really trying to work through a lot of emotional stuff at the moment. More because I am trying to do something different. It is HARD .. OMGOSH .. LOL .. add the hormones and survival mode of the moment I'm just tired and really need to do something fun.
I have not responded to the latest email and I'm trying to do so in a place where I am in a good space and I am not currently, I am in a space of needing to be gentle with myself.
S :)