I just married ( third time) another alcoholic ( Ugh, yes I know). Our first anniversary is the 19th.
I thought I knew what I had signed up for. Basically watching him drink himself to death...whether I'm with him or not.
I know I am powerless to stop him or change him. He lost his license in 2010. Got it back in 2015 and has had a car for a year and a half. He's already a felon due to multiple dui's. In California I hear the next one is mandatory 10 years in prison. Whether that is true or not, I'm not sure.
My issue is trying to stop him from drinking and driving!! He still does it! Often! I am worried he will hurt himself or someone else!
I have tried to stop him, arguing with him, reasoning, pleading, attempting to take the keys, you name it. All it does is enrage him and he becomes verbally abusive.
I've threatened to call the law if he leaves, but it's an empty threat. I can't do it because I am selfish. I don't want him to go to prison, and I especially don't want him to have that blame against me. It will be ALL MY FAULT he's in trouble if I did call.
So I'm going nuts! I've only realized this week that it is not an issue of IF he goes to prison, but an issue of WHEN.
HE WILL NOT STOP DRINKING AND DRIVING. Advise please!!
SerenityRUS said
Nov 2, 2017
I encourage you to go to an alanon meeting and get support for you. He's going to drink and drive he's got the record to prove it and you can't control him. I hope you keep coming back here. Hugs s:)
Rxwoman said
Nov 2, 2017
Thank you. I understand I cannot control him. My issue is with how do I reconcile this if he leaves driving and hurts someone.
What do I tell his family, his kids and anyone he might hurt when they ask " why did you let him drive?!"
hotrod said
Nov 2, 2017
((RXwomen)) As Serenity recommended alanon meeting are a Constructive Place to bring your concerns. It is in this fellowship of individuals who have lived with or are living with this dreadful disease that I was able to develop healthy coping tools for living with the insanity of this disease. We are powerless over people, places an things.
if you are concerned over the driving, I found that calling the police is the only option that worked for me. Yes I would be blamed by the alcoholic if he lost his license or went to jail , however i weighed that against the possibly of someone being killed. I talked this option over with the person and they decided not to drive. It is better than fighting or taking keys.
Rxwoman said
Nov 2, 2017
You are both right. I should find a meeting.
I spoke to my husband this morning while he was sober. He agreed ( his suggestion) to hand me the car keys when he starts. I know it's only temporary bandaide as there are times when he starts in the morning, or basically never stops from the night before. Those are the all day benders I hate the most because he becomes so unpredictable. For such a "plan" or "agreement" to work I would basically have to keep track of both sets of keys at all times.
Thank you for your responses.
KennyFenderjazz said
Nov 3, 2017
Hi RXwoman,
as said above, Al Anon meetings are the best way to work through these feelings of who owns what in the relationship. I was in a similar spot as you, and my wife got caught by the police before she hurt anybody. Twice. Two DUIs.
Upon reflecting on it later, after having gone to a lot of Al Anon meetings, I decided I would call the police if that were to ever happen again. The agony of telling my wife why I called the police would be nothing compared to the agony of telling a complete stranger whose relative my wife killed why I didn't call the police.
I also did key swaps and other things, once she was drunk she would either hide keys or legitimately not know where they were until she wanted to use them. Nannying her just never worked.
I hope you can go to a meeting soon.
The Dependent said
Nov 4, 2017
I suggest you put the focus on you and your recovery from marrying alcoholics. As long as youre lamenting about your dependent, youre not focusing on you.
I just married ( third time) another alcoholic ( Ugh, yes I know). Our first anniversary is the 19th.
I thought I knew what I had signed up for. Basically watching him drink himself to death...whether I'm with him or not.
I know I am powerless to stop him or change him. He lost his license in 2010. Got it back in 2015 and has had a car for a year and a half. He's already a felon due to multiple dui's. In California I hear the next one is mandatory 10 years in prison. Whether that is true or not, I'm not sure.
My issue is trying to stop him from drinking and driving!! He still does it! Often! I am worried he will hurt himself or someone else!
I have tried to stop him, arguing with him, reasoning, pleading, attempting to take the keys, you name it. All it does is enrage him and he becomes verbally abusive.
I've threatened to call the law if he leaves, but it's an empty threat. I can't do it because I am selfish. I don't want him to go to prison, and I especially don't want him to have that blame against me. It will be ALL MY FAULT he's in trouble if I did call.
So I'm going nuts! I've only realized this week that it is not an issue of IF he goes to prison, but an issue of WHEN.
HE WILL NOT STOP DRINKING AND DRIVING. Advise please!!
Thank you. I understand I cannot control him. My issue is with how do I reconcile this if he leaves driving and hurts someone.
What do I tell his family, his kids and anyone he might hurt when they ask " why did you let him drive?!"
if you are concerned over the driving, I found that calling the police is the only option that worked for me. Yes I would be blamed by the alcoholic if he lost his license or went to jail , however i weighed that against the possibly of someone being killed. I talked this option over with the person and they decided not to drive. It is better than fighting or taking keys.
You are both right. I should find a meeting.
I spoke to my husband this morning while he was sober. He agreed ( his suggestion) to hand me the car keys when he starts. I know it's only temporary bandaide as there are times when he starts in the morning, or basically never stops from the night before. Those are the all day benders I hate the most because he becomes so unpredictable. For such a "plan" or "agreement" to work I would basically have to keep track of both sets of keys at all times.
Thank you for your responses.
Hi RXwoman,
as said above, Al Anon meetings are the best way to work through these feelings of who owns what in the relationship. I was in a similar spot as you, and my wife got caught by the police before she hurt anybody. Twice. Two DUIs.
Upon reflecting on it later, after having gone to a lot of Al Anon meetings, I decided I would call the police if that were to ever happen again. The agony of telling my wife why I called the police would be nothing compared to the agony of telling a complete stranger whose relative my wife killed why I didn't call the police.
I also did key swaps and other things, once she was drunk she would either hide keys or legitimately not know where they were until she wanted to use them. Nannying her just never worked.
I hope you can go to a meeting soon.
I suggest you put the focus on you and your recovery from marrying alcoholics. As long as youre lamenting about your dependent, youre not focusing on you.