It has been my experience that Al-Anon can be a very negative, non-uplifting experience when one attends with people they are very close to, like family or best friends. We are emotionally involved with these people and love them very much, but their presence can be very uncomfortable when we are trying to share personal feelings about other loved ones. It is especially difficult if a family member belongs to your group, and that person dislikes your spouse and makes no effort whatsoever to hide it. If you say even one negative thing about your spouse, that person judges not just you, and your spouse, but your whole marriage to that person. All you want to do is go share without being judged. So it is best just to find another group or remove yourself all together from this particular group.
I had to stop attending meetings in a small town because both my best friend and my sister belonged to the Al-Anon Family Support Group. When I first started attending, it was helpful, and I learned a great deal about coping and learned some valuable slogans as well as reflections that were listed in the Courage to Change book. I learned a lot, but I am moving on.
What I found out was that some of the people in the group stay stuck in that "poor me", "my life is so difficult", "miserable mode", even after they have been in the program for years. I hear the exact same incessant complaining from members that I am close to, and I feel like I am at an Al-Anon meeting when I am just out having a good time on a Saturday with that person.
I finally just stopped going all together because it was no longer helping me. It was just dragging me down to be around people who seem to enjoy being miserable and blame their misery on others. Not all of the members are that way. Many of them are very kind, humble, and really work hard at improving themselves and living the serenity prayer.
Skorpi said
Nov 2, 2017
Welcome to MIP, ChangeMe.
I am glad to hear that you are thinking about trying a different group. I have found that each group has its own flavor, and my personality fits best with a specific kind of group. I drive a few towns over for my meetings for this reason. In my current home group, a lot of members drive from other towns to attend. From them, I have heard that it is easier to attend meetings in a small town that they do not live in, because it helps to protect their anonymity and allows them to open up more freely. I have found that even my home group meeting changes depending on which combination of people are in the room.
Iamhere said
Nov 2, 2017
I too send you a welcome to MIP ChangeMe. I am sorry your experience in program so far hasn't been what you had hoped for. I had to go to two different groups before I found a 'home' and am currently considering a change as I feel I've gotten too comfortable - I know everyone, so I'm not listening as actively as I used to. In recovery, I still get a little anxious about change but have found that it is usually good for me.
I believe that we will always find others in the rooms who are stuck. The miracle for me is when they get 'unstuck' and I get to witness that miracle. I have not attended with family and don't know that it would work for me. I have been blessed to be able to share without filtering what is in my heart and mind. My group is very good at keeping the focus on self so rarely is the alcoholic mentioned which also helps me keep my focus on me and not them.
I hope you will try another group and keep attending. You are not alone and there is tons of hope and help in recovery!!
hotrod said
Nov 2, 2017
Hello changeme After reading the content of your meeting experience, I am a little confused by the title of your posting .
I too have found it difficult to attend alanon meetings with family members as I did not feel comfortable sharing intimate details with family . I do believe that is why program is anonymous. I was happy to read that you did obtain helpful tools to live by at the meetings, and found the readings in the C2C helpful.
As Skorpi points out, it is suggested that we try a few different meetings before deciding if program is for us There are several different types of meetings such as," topic, beginners and my favorites which are slogan and step meetings.
Early on, in my program expereince it was suggested that i "stick with the "winners" meaning people who are attending and working the program. It is easy to see who they are. i am sorry that you connected with the folk who do not want to change and just use the meetings as "dumping" grounds. That is the reason I like the slogan and step meetings as they are grounded in program and each meeting focuses on one of the steps or slogans.
I too wanted to leave meetings when I found something I disliked( that was how i handled life-- simply walk away) an old time member suggested that i" stick around" and by my attendance and ESH the meeting would change and I did and that is what happened.
I really decided against leaving because alanon meetings were the only place that I felt safe, where i was given constructive tools to live by and a supportive network to practice with it.
I find program people, supportive, wise, courageous , and open minded. for me these are indeed a powerful combination of assets to experience.
PosiesandPuppies said
Nov 2, 2017
Hello - When my now AH went to rehab for meth use, the rehab facility suggested meetings for his whole family, including me, his wife. I went to two. While the information I received was really good, I found that I could not share such negativity about my husband with his family in the room. I had been living with this monster (addiction) for many years, but they were brand new, and still looked upon him with rosy-tinted glasses. Because I had a lot of bitterness at the time, I chose to find a different meeting for me to attend. I went to several NA meetings, and found that there was just so little hope there. So many spouses talking about the upteenth time at rehab...I always came away crying and depressed. After a meeting I shared this with someone who seemed pretty positive in the room that day... she told me to try Al-Anon. It was the best decision for me.
Looking back however, there was some truth seen at those NA meetings... addiction is a life-long monkey the addict has to be aware of at all times... anything else and they are only fooling themselves and their loved ones.
It has been my experience that Al-Anon can be a very negative, non-uplifting experience when one attends with people they are very close to, like family or best friends. We are emotionally involved with these people and love them very much, but their presence can be very uncomfortable when we are trying to share personal feelings about other loved ones. It is especially difficult if a family member belongs to your group, and that person dislikes your spouse and makes no effort whatsoever to hide it. If you say even one negative thing about your spouse, that person judges not just you, and your spouse, but your whole marriage to that person. All you want to do is go share without being judged. So it is best just to find another group or remove yourself all together from this particular group.
I had to stop attending meetings in a small town because both my best friend and my sister belonged to the Al-Anon Family Support Group. When I first started attending, it was helpful, and I learned a great deal about coping and learned some valuable slogans as well as reflections that were listed in the Courage to Change book. I learned a lot, but I am moving on.
What I found out was that some of the people in the group stay stuck in that "poor me", "my life is so difficult", "miserable mode", even after they have been in the program for years. I hear the exact same incessant complaining from members that I am close to, and I feel like I am at an Al-Anon meeting when I am just out having a good time on a Saturday with that person.
I finally just stopped going all together because it was no longer helping me. It was just dragging me down to be around people who seem to enjoy being miserable and blame their misery on others. Not all of the members are that way. Many of them are very kind, humble, and really work hard at improving themselves and living the serenity prayer.
I am glad to hear that you are thinking about trying a different group. I have found that each group has its own flavor, and my personality fits best with a specific kind of group. I drive a few towns over for my meetings for this reason. In my current home group, a lot of members drive from other towns to attend. From them, I have heard that it is easier to attend meetings in a small town that they do not live in, because it helps to protect their anonymity and allows them to open up more freely. I have found that even my home group meeting changes depending on which combination of people are in the room.
I believe that we will always find others in the rooms who are stuck. The miracle for me is when they get 'unstuck' and I get to witness that miracle. I have not attended with family and don't know that it would work for me. I have been blessed to be able to share without filtering what is in my heart and mind. My group is very good at keeping the focus on self so rarely is the alcoholic mentioned which also helps me keep my focus on me and not them.
I hope you will try another group and keep attending. You are not alone and there is tons of hope and help in recovery!!
Hello changeme After reading the content of your meeting experience, I am a little confused by the title of your posting .
I too have found it difficult to attend alanon meetings with family members as I did not feel comfortable sharing intimate details with family . I do believe that is why program is anonymous. I was happy to read that you did obtain helpful tools to live by at the meetings, and found the readings in the C2C helpful.
As Skorpi points out, it is suggested that we try a few different meetings before deciding if program is for us There are several different types of meetings such as," topic, beginners and my favorites which are slogan and step meetings.
Early on, in my program expereince it was suggested that i "stick with the "winners" meaning people who are attending and working the program. It is easy to see who they are. i am sorry that you connected with the folk who do not want to change and just use the meetings as "dumping" grounds. That is the reason I like the slogan and step meetings as they are grounded in program and each meeting focuses on one of the steps or slogans.
I too wanted to leave meetings when I found something I disliked( that was how i handled life-- simply walk away) an old time member suggested that i" stick around" and by my attendance and ESH the meeting would change and I did and that is what happened.
I really decided against leaving because alanon meetings were the only place that I felt safe, where i was given constructive tools to live by and a supportive network to practice with it.
I find program people, supportive, wise, courageous , and open minded. for me these are indeed a powerful combination of assets to experience.
Looking back however, there was some truth seen at those NA meetings... addiction is a life-long monkey the addict has to be aware of at all times... anything else and they are only fooling themselves and their loved ones.