After my AH's latest hospital stay, he went and lived with his mother and sister. After 5 days in the hospital, he was still very weak and they felt he could not adequately care for himself - AND, they wanted to make sure he was not going to drink so that he could enter a facility at the end of the month (Oct). I had to contact AH's sister regarding the rent on the old house, b/c I need to know if the 30 days will begin on Nov. - I have a ton of stuff still in garage. She told me that my AH and his mother had a talk with the landlord, and AH is planning on paying the rent for November. The plan is that AH will be entering a facility on Nov. 2nd.
So that's him... what about me? What am I doing? Sitting here trying to get work done and ruminating about whether or not he will actually enter the rehab. Why do I even care that much? I am not sure. I would like to see him well b/c we have a long history together, and it would be nice that he could be some sort of father to my almost grown son...those ARE legit reasons, but not strong enough for me to have these feelings. Am I truly over him? I believe in my heart that I am. I think that if he is in rehab, getting some recovery (even if it doesn't stick - this will be his 2nd time, different DOC), then perhaps he will understand what I have gone through... what HE has put me through, and maybe even understand when I tell him what I allowed MYSELF to accept, and that I no longer want to live like that. I am not sure why I am stuck on this... it really shouldn't matter, right?
As I wright this, I am beginning to see that I need to practice staying on my side of the street. I guess I am not doing a good enough job with that. I believed I was, but this is showing me otherwise. I guess this week is kind of like a 2 step back ordeal. I am going to a meeting tonight... perhaps that will get me back on track.
Thank you for letting me get this out... it helps me to process.
Namaste
-- Edited by PosiesandPuppies on Wednesday 1st of November 2017 01:38:35 PM
SerenityRUS said
Nov 1, 2017
Hugs .. sometimes you just gotta be wherever you are .. it sounds like this is all a lot to take in. When my ex started doing some small recovery I had the most irrational thought of what if he gets better and I was the real issue. That's the insanity of my thinking. I totally have a part however if he gets better or not is not about me. Be where you are .. glad you are headed to a meeting makes a world of difference to get some perspective. Hugs s :)
mamalioness said
Nov 1, 2017
Hey PnP many times we hope that the alcoholic will have that "aha" moment where he SEES what he did to those of us on the sober sidelines....I fell for that trap, but wouldn't again...Al-anon taught me how to unhook from all the hooks they can intentionally or unintentionally put out for us to hopefully "get hooked" ALL of us, I am sure, would like that apology, that "stays for the long haul" amend and its a set up for resentment and bitterness.....IF that adopted daughter EVER gets into recovery, I will pray she stays (has shown zero interest when I was in her life) but I have NO expectations of her doing anything to "amend" the damage she did to me...It is what it is..She is what she is and where she is at now, I am incompatible with....I have no expectations of any user or drinker MAYBE if they are sober for 5 plus years, I can have HOPE and a realistic HOPE they stay clean, but even then, It is on the back of my mind that that can relapse again....The risk is always there..However..The longer they are sober, the better trained their thinking is and the better chance at staying sober....as to feelings?? you put in ALL these years with him, of course you are gonna have feelings..I did..I am not ashamed of it...not ALL our time was bad, in fact we had a lot of GR8 times....I just couldn't watch him die slowly like that raging mother of mine did...I had to watch that..nurse her when she was bad.....Not going to do that again....BE with your feelings..Embrace them..Honor them....FEEL them and I hope as you do, you can reach out to a fellow recovery mate and share......sending you healing hugs
Jerry F said
Nov 1, 2017
Aloha PnP...you bring up how deep the disease affects who are affected. We have expectations of normalcy and success when the relationship start and then over time hardly realize how insane the whole situation gets. I didn't know and didn't even know that I didn't know it was a disease, how it worked and what the consequences were...I was in LaLa land until I started to find out what and how I had been affected. I didn't even know that it started long before my marriage to an alcoholic/addict; back when I was a child.
Of course you are sitting on some feelings and maybe as of yet not even accurately identified them and how they were caused. I relate to your not knowing your part in it. I didn't even know that was a valid issue. Alcoholism is cunning....powerful....and baffling so thank God for the program(s) and those who work in the recovery industry to help us come to the understanding of what it was like and how it became what it is and what we can do about it to be whole and sane. Have a great meeting..."If you keep and open mind...you will find help. ((((hugs))))
PosiesandPuppies said
Nov 1, 2017
So I decided to do something for me... I have been waiting on my separation paperwork... perhaps that is why I feel I am still connected. So it has been almost 2 weeks since I turned everything in, and the company said it would take about 5 days. So I called. Long story short, they must have sent the document to the incorrect email address! They said it was emailed out on Oct. 24th! Ugh!!
We were able to straighten things out, and I received the document. Going to fine-tooth-comb it tonight, and I have an appointment to sign them on Friday... then they go to the court!
Of course, the next step is to have someone serve my AH. But I will wait to think about that!!! LOL! One Day At a Time!!!!!!
My next step is to get a storage facility space so that I can begin getting important stuff out of the old garage... I don't want the landlord to toss them!
Thank you to all who posted... your ESH always helps to calm the crazy voices that surround me in regards to my AH!!
Iamhere said
Nov 1, 2017
Hey PnP - I can't tell you how many times in my recovery I've had to pause and consider my 'real feelings'. I met, fell in love and married a marvelously sober wonderful man. Clearly, things changed, the disease resurfaced and it's been a 'long strange trip'. What I've come to accept for me is that I love him, I just hate the darn disease. I can say that he/the disease have put me/boys through he!! on earth. Yet, that doesn't cause 'me' to stop feeling. I just don't have feelings that work that way. So - feel the feelings, there is no shame in loving an alcoholic and wishing them well. Even when they are so sick they push us away, hurt us, etc. That's not about us at all but rather about them and the disease.
You've carved out a new path and that's awesome! That's how recovery works! Yet, that doesn't change that you spent many years living with, parenting with, loving this man who is a shell of what he was because of this disease. Perhaps the feelings are about hope and compassion? I always try to find the positive in all things as that's how I learn.
Good on you that you took action for you. That's also how things seem to work for me. When I am uncertain how I feel, I often (unintentionally) shut off my spiritual ears. Finding something productive or fun for me/my path tends to help me remember that I am not alone, I got a HP (and so does my guys) and all is good.
(((Hugs))) - you got this!! Enjoy your meeting!
PosiesandPuppies said
Nov 1, 2017
Thank you for responding to my post, IAH!
I am struggling with not having the same feelings for my AH, that my AH has for me. So many times I don't text back or sit in awkward silence when he says he loves me. But you are so correct!!! We've had a long married life. We have a teen together. There is no reason why I can't have love FOR him... I am just no IN love with him. May be cliche sounding, but it is my truth.
My AH just texted me and asked if he could call my son and I later... according to his sister, tomorrow he is supposed to be admitted to some sort of facility. That's probably why he wants to "talk." Fingers crossed! LOL!
Iamhere said
Nov 1, 2017
Sending thoughts and prayers PnP - there are miracles every day all around us. Just keep moving forward sweetie and 'yes' ---- I agree!
KT2015 said
Nov 2, 2017
Hey PnP
I loved the insight you had in your post. I think that we are all right where we need to be and I really believe being aware of what you are feeling or not feeling is so important. You've been through a lot. I can relate to wanting the recognition of what I have gone through or what "he has put me through" because I have felt that way too. Glad to see you caught that thought in your head and are thinking about if it is helpful to you. As IAH said you may still have love for him or care about him even if you aren't in love with him and there is nothing wrong with loving an alcoholic.
When I first came to Al ANon I wanted people to tell me to leave my AH. I had all these fantasies about leaving and him realizing what he did to me and put me through etc etc. Even as I stayed I still fantasized about him getting sober and making amends to me. In my case that is the martyr inside me and those types of thoughts aren't helpful for me because I regularly make myself a victim and it is so disempowering for me. I've worked through a lot of that thankfully with the help of my sponsor and group. I've accepted my part in the chaos of our lives and I've learned a lot more about not accepting unacceptable behaviour. I don't feel so victimized or put upon anymore. Now I try to be hopeful (but not expectant) that he will find the help he needs. I ask my HP to help him each day and I leave it in his hands. After working the program for quite some time I would trade the perfect apology and huge recognition of what he put me through if he could find help that would help him live a happy, fulfilling, enjoyable life.
Hang in there and keep working through it. You are doing great!
Maresie said
Nov 3, 2017
Amends is a touchy subject. Waiting for someone to msle amends is like a kind of malignant.hope.for me.
The.now ex A didnt.seem to have any guilt.for anything.he did.
He almost.seemed to have no feelings at all except.for what he wanted. I realise now some people can feign empathy. They dont really have it they are just relatively good actprs.
A great deal of my issues in al.anon are having unrealistic expectations of people. Having the expectation that some person who repeatedly let me down will suddenly have a change of heart is unrealistic.
I.say that knowing lots of people who found long term sobriety. Some of them did make amends. The kind if smends I wanted and craved I dod not heae about too often. I certainly heard people with very long tetm sobriety talking about mak8ng.amends. They had some kind of inclination about the damage they did. Some other people never got to that I would say thst was the majority.
I.never wanted to have realistic expectations. I felt that was a compromise that was a let down. Now I.dont. Having realistic expectations means I am not let down as much.
Hi MIP family!
After my AH's latest hospital stay, he went and lived with his mother and sister. After 5 days in the hospital, he was still very weak and they felt he could not adequately care for himself - AND, they wanted to make sure he was not going to drink so that he could enter a facility at the end of the month (Oct). I had to contact AH's sister regarding the rent on the old house, b/c I need to know if the 30 days will begin on Nov. - I have a ton of stuff still in garage. She told me that my AH and his mother had a talk with the landlord, and AH is planning on paying the rent for November. The plan is that AH will be entering a facility on Nov. 2nd.
So that's him... what about me? What am I doing? Sitting here trying to get work done and ruminating about whether or not he will actually enter the rehab. Why do I even care that much? I am not sure. I would like to see him well b/c we have a long history together, and it would be nice that he could be some sort of father to my almost grown son...those ARE legit reasons, but not strong enough for me to have these feelings. Am I truly over him? I believe in my heart that I am. I think that if he is in rehab, getting some recovery (even if it doesn't stick - this will be his 2nd time, different DOC), then perhaps he will understand what I have gone through... what HE has put me through, and maybe even understand when I tell him what I allowed MYSELF to accept, and that I no longer want to live like that. I am not sure why I am stuck on this... it really shouldn't matter, right?
As I wright this, I am beginning to see that I need to practice staying on my side of the street. I guess I am not doing a good enough job with that. I believed I was, but this is showing me otherwise. I guess this week is kind of like a 2 step back ordeal. I am going to a meeting tonight... perhaps that will get me back on track.
Thank you for letting me get this out... it helps me to process.
Namaste
-- Edited by PosiesandPuppies on Wednesday 1st of November 2017 01:38:35 PM
Hey PnP many times we hope that the alcoholic will have that "aha" moment where he SEES what he did to those of us on the sober sidelines....I fell for that trap, but wouldn't again...Al-anon taught me how to unhook from all the hooks they can intentionally or unintentionally put out for us to hopefully "get hooked" ALL of us, I am sure, would like that apology, that "stays for the long haul" amend and its a set up for resentment and bitterness.....IF that adopted daughter EVER gets into recovery, I will pray she stays (has shown zero interest when I was in her life) but I have NO expectations of her doing anything to "amend" the damage she did to me...It is what it is..She is what she is and where she is at now, I am incompatible with....I have no expectations of any user or drinker MAYBE if they are sober for 5 plus years, I can have HOPE and a realistic HOPE they stay clean, but even then, It is on the back of my mind that that can relapse again....The risk is always there..However..The longer they are sober, the better trained their thinking is and the better chance at staying sober....as to feelings?? you put in ALL these years with him, of course you are gonna have feelings..I did..I am not ashamed of it...not ALL our time was bad, in fact we had a lot of GR8 times....I just couldn't watch him die slowly like that raging mother of mine did...I had to watch that..nurse her when she was bad.....Not going to do that again....BE with your feelings..Embrace them..Honor them....FEEL them and I hope as you do, you can reach out to a fellow recovery mate and share......sending you healing hugs
Aloha PnP...you bring up how deep the disease affects who are affected. We have expectations of normalcy and success when the relationship start and then over time hardly realize how insane the whole situation gets. I didn't know and didn't even know that I didn't know it was a disease, how it worked and what the consequences were...I was in LaLa land until I started to find out what and how I had been affected. I didn't even know that it started long before my marriage to an alcoholic/addict; back when I was a child.
Of course you are sitting on some feelings and maybe as of yet not even accurately identified them and how they were caused. I relate to your not knowing your part in it. I didn't even know that was a valid issue. Alcoholism is cunning....powerful....and baffling so thank God for the program(s) and those who work in the recovery industry to help us come to the understanding of what it was like and how it became what it is and what we can do about it to be whole and sane. Have a great meeting..."If you keep and open mind...you will find help. ((((hugs))))
We were able to straighten things out, and I received the document. Going to fine-tooth-comb it tonight, and I have an appointment to sign them on Friday... then they go to the court!
Of course, the next step is to have someone serve my AH. But I will wait to think about that!!! LOL! One Day At a Time!!!!!!
My next step is to get a storage facility space so that I can begin getting important stuff out of the old garage... I don't want the landlord to toss them!
Thank you to all who posted... your ESH always helps to calm the crazy voices that surround me in regards to my AH!!
You've carved out a new path and that's awesome! That's how recovery works! Yet, that doesn't change that you spent many years living with, parenting with, loving this man who is a shell of what he was because of this disease. Perhaps the feelings are about hope and compassion? I always try to find the positive in all things as that's how I learn.
Good on you that you took action for you. That's also how things seem to work for me. When I am uncertain how I feel, I often (unintentionally) shut off my spiritual ears. Finding something productive or fun for me/my path tends to help me remember that I am not alone, I got a HP (and so does my guys) and all is good.
(((Hugs))) - you got this!! Enjoy your meeting!
I am struggling with not having the same feelings for my AH, that my AH has for me. So many times I don't text back or sit in awkward silence when he says he loves me. But you are so correct!!! We've had a long married life. We have a teen together. There is no reason why I can't have love FOR him... I am just no IN love with him. May be cliche sounding, but it is my truth.
My AH just texted me and asked if he could call my son and I later... according to his sister, tomorrow he is supposed to be admitted to some sort of facility. That's probably why he wants to "talk." Fingers crossed! LOL!
I loved the insight you had in your post. I think that we are all right where we need to be and I really believe being aware of what you are feeling or not feeling is so important. You've been through a lot. I can relate to wanting the recognition of what I have gone through or what "he has put me through" because I have felt that way too. Glad to see you caught that thought in your head and are thinking about if it is helpful to you. As IAH said you may still have love for him or care about him even if you aren't in love with him and there is nothing wrong with loving an alcoholic.
When I first came to Al ANon I wanted people to tell me to leave my AH. I had all these fantasies about leaving and him realizing what he did to me and put me through etc etc. Even as I stayed I still fantasized about him getting sober and making amends to me. In my case that is the martyr inside me and those types of thoughts aren't helpful for me because I regularly make myself a victim and it is so disempowering for me. I've worked through a lot of that thankfully with the help of my sponsor and group. I've accepted my part in the chaos of our lives and I've learned a lot more about not accepting unacceptable behaviour. I don't feel so victimized or put upon anymore. Now I try to be hopeful (but not expectant) that he will find the help he needs. I ask my HP to help him each day and I leave it in his hands. After working the program for quite some time I would trade the perfect apology and huge recognition of what he put me through if he could find help that would help him live a happy, fulfilling, enjoyable life.
Hang in there and keep working through it. You are doing great!
Amends is a touchy subject. Waiting for someone to msle amends is like a kind of malignant.hope.for me.
The.now ex A didnt.seem to have any guilt.for anything.he did.
He almost.seemed to have no feelings at all except.for what he wanted. I realise now some people can feign empathy. They dont really have it they are just relatively good actprs.
A great deal of my issues in al.anon are having unrealistic expectations of people. Having the expectation that some person who repeatedly let me down will suddenly have a change of heart is unrealistic.
I.say that knowing lots of people who found long term sobriety. Some of them did make amends. The kind if smends I wanted and craved I dod not heae about too often. I certainly heard people with very long tetm sobriety talking about mak8ng.amends. They had some kind of inclination about the damage they did. Some other people never got to that I would say thst was the majority.
I.never wanted to have realistic expectations. I felt that was a compromise that was a let down. Now I.dont. Having realistic expectations means I am not let down as much.
Maresie