hey everyone Iāve been gone for a while but Iām back on here again trying to still understand a few things. many times I said I was going to leave my alcoholic boyfriend and I came close to it quite a few times but basically this past June he ended up leaving me. I truly donāt know if he is still sticking to his AA program or not but right now that is not whatās bothering me. I have found out from a few people that while he was with me he was cheating.. with women he met at bars. when he swore he wasnāt going to bars anymore. All the times that I accused him of something not being right, he would get very angry and ask me how can I not trust him, heās never done anything wrong to me. That he loves me and knows He has a drinking problem and thatās why he was going to AA. he didnāt leave me for anybody he basically left because he said that I couldnāt trust him and he was tired of walking around on eggshells because of me. now of course hearing all this after-the-fact knowing all along I was right he was lying has devastated me. I feel like such a fool and cannot believe that someone can act one way and then asked another behind your back. The majority of this was obviously done while he was drinking and many people have told me that my five-year relationship being over is a good thing and he did me a favor by leaving. but the pain of him doing those things behind my back makes me feel like I was never good enough not even for an alcoholic! Not sure where Iām going with this but I feel horrible and depressed and a part of me even wants to go back just to try all over again!! so stupid I known:(
Aerin said
Oct 30, 2017
Oh and one more thing I found out he wasnāt sleeping with her, he would go to the bar because he told his friends that there was some hot chick behind the bar and he would have her come out to the parking lot in his truck and smoke pot. first of all I didnāt even know he smoked pot! and the fact that he would always tell me how much he loved me. we did a lot of activities together that were fun and family oriented and friend oriented and I just canāt believe that entire time he was doing those things, he was also going to the bar :(
One of his in recovery friends said that I was too good for him and sometimes an alcoholic will go and hang out with people he feels are the same level of him so he doesnāt feel so ābadā. I am having a harder time moving forward then I thought despite all of this. I really want to contact him and let him kmow what i know, out but Iām sure that will get me nowhere
tiredtonite said
Oct 30, 2017
Being betrayed can feel so awful. Betraying ourselves can be even worse. It's over and one day at a time you've been moving on. For me personally, when I begin measuring my worth by someone else's acceptance of me I'm making that person my higher power. You deserve the best you can give to yourself. You're blessed to have loving friends who care about you and hope for the best for you. We often suggest in Alanon that we ask ourselves what we would suggest to a friend to do if they were in our situation and then to follow that guidance. You're worth it. ((hugs))) TT
Jerry F said
Oct 30, 2017
Yeppers it sucked for me also. My alcoholic/addict wife had enough trick or treat issues I could have written a book...she used the program as cover also like having a "chip and dip" meeting with another guy in recovery...LOL!! and I got enough Al-Anon Program recovery under my belt and major support that I didn't even get angry or more frustrated with it. I stepped up my "acceptance" tools and found a great apartment for me and my fish tank and moved across town. I kept working on the truth that she was a sick person and not a bad person and went after my own healing cause I had gotten very sick myself. I learned a lot during this time not for her or for trying to hold on to her but for me. One of the things I found out about me was that my relationship selection program was seriously flawed; inside out and up side down and I had to learn that I didn't need my partners...I could like and love and not need them...again rocket science for me. My HP and I did some serious, powerful wakeup work on that realization.
It was more foreign than greek to hear myself say to my partners, "I love you and I like having you here (in my life) and I don't need you". gracious!! (((hugs)))
Jerry F said
Oct 30, 2017
I like and appreciate your response TT...right on. ((((hugs)))
_bunny_ said
Oct 30, 2017
Hi (((Aerin))), Im so sorry youre going through this. For me its necessary to investigate my motives when I feel the need to confront an alcoholic about their behavior and how it has effected me. I have to be very careful my actions are coming from the loving guidance of HP and not EGO driven. Pre Alanon me would remind the alcoholic over and over and over again what they had done to me. That was my insanity. It didnt change their behavior, they just hid it better. Its been my experience that alcoholics are so deep in their denial that they will tell you what they think you want to hear because the last thing they need is more guilt on their plate. Today I can sit in the knowing of my truth and can decide to have the conversation or not based on what is best for me, my safety and my serenity. Sending prayers and loving thoughts your way.
-- Edited by _bunny_ on Monday 30th of October 2017 02:56:53 PM
Iamhere said
Oct 30, 2017
(((Aerin))) - Betrayal is extremely painful and when used in conjunction with fabricating truth AND blaming others? Certainly can throw me for a loop! The good news is the harder I work this program, the faster the 'pain' is processed. As Jerry points out above, when I can see others as they truly are (sick) and love myself enough to forgive me for my role, it does help me heal faster.
Love the mention of motives. For me, being 'right' was so vitally important before recovery. Now, not so much. I gain nothing by returning to the 'scene of the crime' to prove fault. Even if there is a sense of satisfaction, it's short-lived....as I don't want to be like that any longer.
For me, each time I am knocked off my feet, the best solution I have is heart/heart with my sponsor or a trusted program friend and stepping up my recovery program. No human will ever advocate and protect me as I deserve - that's HP's job in my mind with me taking the action.
Sending you tons of (((hugs))), positive thoughts and prayers! You're worth it girl - don't let this or anything make you think different!
SerenityRUS said
Oct 30, 2017
Hugs,
I think for me the understanding eventually did come that my XAH doing whatever he was doing with whomever he was doing it with was all about HIM and his issues and nothing about me. It was really hard to get to that point because the betrayal is always so jarring is the right word. The other reality I came to was my XAH wasn't lying to just me or the other women? the person he lied to the most was himself and I let it lay there with him. How sad to have to JADE that type of behavior to that point of lying to myself and I actually feel sorry for him because he lacks the ability to tell the truth and unfortunately that is still shining through.
Hugs S :)
Maresie25 said
Oct 30, 2017
At one time. the ex A's mother remonstrated with me that all the problems the ex A had were as the result of that I didn't fit in with the family!!!!
He had plenty of problems before I came along of course but she took to blaming me for all of it when the thought occurred to her.
I know my self worth was tied up outside of myself. The ex A I was with never cheated on me. Nevertheless every friend he had, a stranger he met on the street yesterday were all more important than me.
He went from cherishing me to constantly deriding me. I know full well he never took on any other relationship yet I felt left out and at the bottom of the barrel.
He would make a huge point of not taking into account my feelings. I left him once because one of his friends practically moved in with us. I returned with the promise that the friend would be gone.
Guess what he wasn't!!!!
I took the car we had when I left. So he was prepared to be without transport for this "friend". Needless to say I didn't walk out the door again when I saw the friend was till there. I had the means to do it then too
I think it is very common to feel cheated and feel like someone else "got" the goods'. Indeed they got the alcoholic in full blown alcoholism. That isn't a pretty package. They manage to gloss it up a lot but really they will
Being betrayed can feel so awful. Betraying ourselves can be even worse. It's over and one day at a time you've been moving on. For me personally, when I begin measuring my worth by someone else's acceptance of me I'm making that person my higher power. You deserve the best you can give to yourself. You're blessed to have loving friends who care about you and hope for the best for you. We often suggest in Alanon that we ask ourselves what we would suggest to a friend to do if they were in our situation and then to follow that guidance. You're worth it. ((hugs))) TT
Yeppers it sucked for me also. My alcoholic/addict wife had enough trick or treat issues I could have written a book...she used the program as cover also like having a "chip and dip" meeting with another guy in recovery...LOL!! and I got enough Al-Anon Program recovery under my belt and major support that I didn't even get angry or more frustrated with it. I stepped up my "acceptance" tools and found a great apartment for me and my fish tank and moved across town. I kept working on the truth that she was a sick person and not a bad person and went after my own healing cause I had gotten very sick myself. I learned a lot during this time not for her or for trying to hold on to her but for me. One of the things I found out about me was that my relationship selection program was seriously flawed; inside out and up side down and I had to learn that I didn't need my partners...I could like and love and not need them...again rocket science for me. My HP and I did some serious, powerful wakeup work on that realization.
It was more foreign than greek to hear myself say to my partners, "I love you and I like having you here (in my life) and I don't need you". gracious!! (((hugs)))
I like and appreciate your response TT...right on. ((((hugs)))
Hi (((Aerin))), Im so sorry youre going through this. For me its necessary to investigate my motives when I feel the need to confront an alcoholic about their behavior and how it has effected me. I have to be very careful my actions are coming from the loving guidance of HP and not EGO driven. Pre Alanon me would remind the alcoholic over and over and over again what they had done to me. That was my insanity. It didnt change their behavior, they just hid it better. Its been my experience that alcoholics are so deep in their denial that they will tell you what they think you want to hear because the last thing they need is more guilt on their plate. Today I can sit in the knowing of my truth and can decide to have the conversation or not based on what is best for me, my safety and my serenity. Sending prayers and loving thoughts your way.
-- Edited by _bunny_ on Monday 30th of October 2017 02:56:53 PM
Love the mention of motives. For me, being 'right' was so vitally important before recovery. Now, not so much. I gain nothing by returning to the 'scene of the crime' to prove fault. Even if there is a sense of satisfaction, it's short-lived....as I don't want to be like that any longer.
For me, each time I am knocked off my feet, the best solution I have is heart/heart with my sponsor or a trusted program friend and stepping up my recovery program. No human will ever advocate and protect me as I deserve - that's HP's job in my mind with me taking the action.
Sending you tons of (((hugs))), positive thoughts and prayers! You're worth it girl - don't let this or anything make you think different!
I think for me the understanding eventually did come that my XAH doing whatever he was doing with whomever he was doing it with was all about HIM and his issues and nothing about me. It was really hard to get to that point because the betrayal is always so jarring is the right word. The other reality I came to was my XAH wasn't lying to just me or the other women? the person he lied to the most was himself and I let it lay there with him. How sad to have to JADE that type of behavior to that point of lying to myself and I actually feel sorry for him because he lacks the ability to tell the truth and unfortunately that is still shining through.
Hugs S :)
At one time. the ex A's mother remonstrated with me that all the problems the ex A had were as the result of that I didn't fit in with the family!!!!
He had plenty of problems before I came along of course but she took to blaming me for all of it when the thought occurred to her.
I know my self worth was tied up outside of myself. The ex A I was with never cheated on me. Nevertheless every friend he had, a stranger he met on the street yesterday were all more important than me.
He went from cherishing me to constantly deriding me. I know full well he never took on any other relationship yet I felt left out and at the bottom of the barrel.
He would make a huge point of not taking into account my feelings. I left him once because one of his friends practically moved in with us. I returned with the promise that the friend would be gone.
Guess what he wasn't!!!!
I took the car we had when I left. So he was prepared to be without transport for this "friend". Needless to say I didn't walk out the door again when I saw the friend was till there. I had the means to do it then too
I think it is very common to feel cheated and feel like someone else "got" the goods'. Indeed they got the alcoholic in full blown alcoholism. That isn't a pretty package. They manage to gloss it up a lot but really they will
do exactly the same to them.
Maresie.