About 5 days ago I had a chat with "sober" AH and we had a really good talk. Although he remained strong that he could stop drinking on his own without help. I told AH that I would give him one chance and one chance only. Never really believing that I would have to act on that or eat my words.
Well here we are and I had to call AH again, again we chatted. I told him I don't think it is a good idea that he comes home for a while. It was the hardest thing I have had to do. I had to stick to what I said. I ment what I said I just never said it mean. There was no screeming and yelling, it was all adult.
I'm not sure how long he will stay away, or where he will go. I can't think about that. That is all for him to figure out.
I'm not going to lie to my child either. Far too smart and will figure it out. I'm not covering for him.
The rest of this day is for him to sort out one heck of mess going on inside me.
I made it very clear to him that I do love him so very much, which I do. I just can not keep watching what this is doing to our family.
tiredtonite said
Oct 30, 2017
(((curlyblu))) It can be the hardest thing sometimes to put boundaries in place and then follow through on them. This is healthy communication based in honesty. Your husband knew this was your boundary and now it's up to him figure out what he wants to do. There's always hope and lots of people do get sober and have sobriety success stories to share. Maybe your husband will be one of them.
You've done what you feel is right to take care of yourself in this situation, the love is still there and communication. Those are positive things to hold onto as you work your program one day at a time. Wishing your family the best as you recover. Keep coming back. TT
Aline said
Oct 30, 2017
Hugs of support, ((((Curlyblu)))). These kind of life-changing boundaries are hard to honor, no matter how necessary.
Iamhere said
Oct 30, 2017
(((Curlyblu))) - sending you tons of positive thoughts and prayers. So, so sorry for how the disease has affected you/your family.
Cs613 said
Nov 21, 2017
Iāve just gone through the exact same thing. I said one last chance and then I calmly asked him to move out. Now Iām hoping I made the right decision because heās staying in a very bad household . I told him he can come home if he goes to AA but he would actually rather stay there.
Iamhere said
Nov 21, 2017
Cs613 - welcome to MIP - glad you found us and glad that you shared. Please keep coming back and know you are not alone!
WestMan said
Nov 22, 2017
Hi Curlyblu. Keep your chin up. Not easy I know but you did it well. You made the choice that was right for you and stuck to it for the well-being of your child, yourself, and, though he may not see it, your AH.
In regards to your child I agree that you don't want to lie. However you want an age appropriate message. My kids are 13, 9, 4 and I've had to give all of them different information. The 4 year old knows mommy is sick and is away while she gets better. The 13 year old knows about the drinking problem, knows mommy is "sick", but still doesn't know about the attempted suicide or lots of other negative behavior.
Curlyblu said
Nov 22, 2017
WestMan wrote:
Hi Curlyblu. Keep your chin up. Not easy I know but you did it well. You made the choice that was right for you and stuck to it for the well-being of your child, yourself, and, though he may not see it, your AH.
In regards to your child I agree that you don't want to lie. However you want an age appropriate message. My kids are 13, 9, 4 and I've had to give all of them different information. The 4 year old knows mommy is sick and is away while she gets better. The 13 year old knows about the drinking problem, knows mommy is "sick", but still doesn't know about the attempted suicide or lots of other negative behavior.
Thanks WestMan! It really was the best decision I have made durning this journey. A huge period of learning.
You are so right about the kids. My daughter is 9 and very wise for her age. She had figured out far more than I ever thought about this whole situation. I was as honest as I could be with her, but knew that AH is still her daddy whom she loves so very much. She understood that daddy just couldn't be home if he was choosing to drink. She knew that wasn't the daddy she wanted home. The part she couldn't understand was....why can't he just stop. That was a hard one.
My Son who is almost 18, he had a different take on this situation. When I told him that dad won't be home for a while, because I had asked him not to come home. I asked my son if he wanted to know why. My son stated, if you feel it's something I won't handle well or won't understand then don't tell me.
So when it comes to dealing with kids in these situations, everyone is different and every child needs to approached in way best suited for them.
I'm pretty please with how well the kids handled the change. The youngest would ask questions whenever she had a concern. The older one, would show his conern by asking if he should leave the outside light on....his way of asking if dad was coming home.
Jerry F said
Nov 23, 2017
I was (and still am) glad for the steps in the program especially from 1 to 3. Trusting in those steps and doing my very best to follow thru on and with them gave me the courage to change me. The program works when I work it as directed and led by the old timers and my sponsorship. Prayers for you and your alcoholic Curly...lots of them. ((((hugs))))
Takotsubo said
Nov 24, 2017
Hi, I am also new to this site - and so glad I have found it. I recently asked my A BF to move out after 3 years and gave him a month to find somewhere and I am now feeling so intensely guilty. He has no money due to his drinking and lack of job and no family. I had given him so many chances to stop drinking as I adored him when he was sober but in the end a week ago he became physically intimidating for the first time and my son called the police. They moved him to a motel and told him he wasnt allowed to come back. I care about my partner but I love my son. I now realise that the past 3 years has been horrible for both myself and my son and for that I feel guilty too. I want to live a life without this feeling of intense guilt.
PosiesandPuppies said
Nov 24, 2017
Welcome, Lou. As a mother of a son, my experience is that I had to leave my AH for the emotional health of my son AND myself! I feel that until they are 18, your children's health and wellbeing come first!
You are doing something so difficult, but oh, so RIGHT!! If you can't see it now, wait until you are 1, 2, 3 months separated... you will feel the benefits... and maybe more importantly, you child will too!!! Stay strong, Mama!
Cyber hugs, Lou!
SerenityRUS said
Nov 24, 2017
Hugs Curly,
I think you know when you know as to what works for you that nagging voice in my experience has been fear and it's been about my issues. Kids are WAY smarter than adults give them credit for and I can go back to my own childhood to attest to that .. my dad took me to a whorehouse when I was 8 and I didn't realize what it was at the time however when I was 11 .. it all clicked and when I was in my 20's we had a discussion about it and his rationalization was I was a child and he figured I would forget. It was a traumatic experience and most kids don't just forget those kinds of experiences. I was more angry that he lied to me and then told me it never happened kind of thing. I think the worst thing any adult can do to a child is tell them they didn't see or feel what they did .. it's abusive and cruel .. set up rules for adults to make them feel better about their crappy decisions. It is an age thing and what the child is dealing with, I have always believed honesty is the best policy in that regard and age appropriate is a good thing. When trauma happens I find it better to put it on the table vs pretending it never happened. Kids find safety in knowing they can come to the adult in their life and say ok .. I saw blah blah and being validated.
Anyway, .. it will get easier as time goes on and it's really good that you are able to talk to your stbx at this point and be open and honest about what's going on.
Hugs S :)
Takotsubo said
Nov 27, 2017
Thank you ((posie)) very much for the kind words and thank you curlyblu for the thread. I realise I am posting on someone else's thread so will start one myself but just an update - A week has gone by and I am feeling a little better. Have started going through the steps - am at step 2 which I struggle with as I am not a fan of any religion but hope I can find some spiritual voice during this time. I have realised step 1 is the most important and the reason why I tried for so long to make our relationship work but why it didnt. I tried to control the alcohol intake by blaming, judging, hiding it and constantly supervising. Ugh, makes me feel sick to think I tried to control it and him for so long. I am now travelling my own journey and he must travel his. Still feeling nauseated about how the whole thing ended and wish we had left each other more intact. So so sad
-- Edited by Takotsubo on Monday 27th of November 2017 12:32:41 AM
Iamhere said
Nov 27, 2017
Lou - we are a friendly, loving group - no worries about sharing in a thread started by another! Just a suggestion for Step 2 - you are not alone in struggling with religious concepts. Many have come with the same challenges. While there is a mention of God in the steps, the program actually suggests we get to define our Higher Power as it fits best for us. Some use their group, others use the words from the literature, still others look to nature and on it goes.
I was told that I did not have to 'define it' to work this step - I just needed to believe there was a power greater than I who is in charge of the 'big picture'. I also have heard many change up that word God to mean Good Orderly Direction.
I ask AH to not come home for a while.
About 5 days ago I had a chat with "sober" AH and we had a really good talk. Although he remained strong that he could stop drinking on his own without help. I told AH that I would give him one chance and one chance only. Never really believing that I would have to act on that or eat my words.
Well here we are and I had to call AH again, again we chatted. I told him I don't think it is a good idea that he comes home for a while. It was the hardest thing I have had to do. I had to stick to what I said. I ment what I said I just never said it mean. There was no screeming and yelling, it was all adult.
I'm not sure how long he will stay away, or where he will go. I can't think about that. That is all for him to figure out.
I'm not going to lie to my child either. Far too smart and will figure it out. I'm not covering for him.
The rest of this day is for him to sort out one heck of mess going on inside me.
I made it very clear to him that I do love him so very much, which I do. I just can not keep watching what this is doing to our family.
(((curlyblu))) It can be the hardest thing sometimes to put boundaries in place and then follow through on them. This is healthy communication based in honesty. Your husband knew this was your boundary and now it's up to him figure out what he wants to do. There's always hope and lots of people do get sober and have sobriety success stories to share. Maybe your husband will be one of them.
You've done what you feel is right to take care of yourself in this situation, the love is still there and communication. Those are positive things to hold onto as you work your program one day at a time. Wishing your family the best as you recover. Keep coming back. TT
Hi Curlyblu. Keep your chin up. Not easy I know but you did it well. You made the choice that was right for you and stuck to it for the well-being of your child, yourself, and, though he may not see it, your AH.
In regards to your child I agree that you don't want to lie. However you want an age appropriate message. My kids are 13, 9, 4 and I've had to give all of them different information. The 4 year old knows mommy is sick and is away while she gets better. The 13 year old knows about the drinking problem, knows mommy is "sick", but still doesn't know about the attempted suicide or lots of other negative behavior.
Thanks WestMan! It really was the best decision I have made durning this journey. A huge period of learning.
You are so right about the kids. My daughter is 9 and very wise for her age. She had figured out far more than I ever thought about this whole situation. I was as honest as I could be with her, but knew that AH is still her daddy whom she loves so very much. She understood that daddy just couldn't be home if he was choosing to drink. She knew that wasn't the daddy she wanted home. The part she couldn't understand was....why can't he just stop. That was a hard one.
My Son who is almost 18, he had a different take on this situation. When I told him that dad won't be home for a while, because I had asked him not to come home. I asked my son if he wanted to know why. My son stated, if you feel it's something I won't handle well or won't understand then don't tell me.
So when it comes to dealing with kids in these situations, everyone is different and every child needs to approached in way best suited for them.
I'm pretty please with how well the kids handled the change. The youngest would ask questions whenever she had a concern. The older one, would show his conern by asking if he should leave the outside light on....his way of asking if dad was coming home.
I was (and still am) glad for the steps in the program especially from 1 to 3. Trusting in those steps and doing my very best to follow thru on and with them gave me the courage to change me. The program works when I work it as directed and led by the old timers and my sponsorship. Prayers for you and your alcoholic Curly...lots of them. ((((hugs))))
You are doing something so difficult, but oh, so RIGHT!! If you can't see it now, wait until you are 1, 2, 3 months separated... you will feel the benefits... and maybe more importantly, you child will too!!! Stay strong, Mama!
Cyber hugs, Lou!
I think you know when you know as to what works for you that nagging voice in my experience has been fear and it's been about my issues. Kids are WAY smarter than adults give them credit for and I can go back to my own childhood to attest to that .. my dad took me to a whorehouse when I was 8 and I didn't realize what it was at the time however when I was 11 .. it all clicked and when I was in my 20's we had a discussion about it and his rationalization was I was a child and he figured I would forget. It was a traumatic experience and most kids don't just forget those kinds of experiences. I was more angry that he lied to me and then told me it never happened kind of thing. I think the worst thing any adult can do to a child is tell them they didn't see or feel what they did .. it's abusive and cruel .. set up rules for adults to make them feel better about their crappy decisions. It is an age thing and what the child is dealing with, I have always believed honesty is the best policy in that regard and age appropriate is a good thing. When trauma happens I find it better to put it on the table vs pretending it never happened. Kids find safety in knowing they can come to the adult in their life and say ok .. I saw blah blah and being validated.
Anyway, .. it will get easier as time goes on and it's really good that you are able to talk to your stbx at this point and be open and honest about what's going on.
Hugs S :)
Thank you ((posie)) very much for the kind words and thank you curlyblu for the thread. I realise I am posting on someone else's thread so will start one myself but just an update - A week has gone by and I am feeling a little better. Have started going through the steps - am at step 2 which I struggle with as I am not a fan of any religion but hope I can find some spiritual voice during this time. I have realised step 1 is the most important and the reason why I tried for so long to make our relationship work but why it didnt. I tried to control the alcohol intake by blaming, judging, hiding it and constantly supervising. Ugh, makes me feel sick to think I tried to control it and him for so long. I am now travelling my own journey and he must travel his. Still feeling nauseated about how the whole thing ended and wish we had left each other more intact. So so sad
-- Edited by Takotsubo on Monday 27th of November 2017 12:32:41 AM
I was told that I did not have to 'define it' to work this step - I just needed to believe there was a power greater than I who is in charge of the 'big picture'. I also have heard many change up that word God to mean Good Orderly Direction.
Hope this helps (hth)...keep coming back!