Hello - I'm very new to this and unsure of how to begin. I don't have a long story to tell. I believe my husband is an alcoholic or, at the very least, an abuser. We have been married for 36 years. I love him so dearly but the past couple of years he's gotten worse. He isn't physically or verbally abusive. In all other respects, he's a great guy. He has a lot of back/sciatic pain and is taking hydrocodone. He has always been a drinker, but not a binger or one to get really drunk. Drinking 3-6 beers/ales a day on top of hydrocodone, valium to help him sleep, and paxil for depression seems to have made things worse. He has always tried to hide his drinking from me but I can tell when I come home from work that he's had booze. There have been so many times he's told me he's sorry and will "do better" but doesn't and has lied to me about it that I no longer trust him I really don't want to leave him, but I don't know how to behave. I usually clam up and don't talk for fear of blowing up and/or saying something I have no intention of following through on or that I would regret. He's lost the sparkle in his eye (maybe from the valium/paxil??) I know he has a doctor's appointment Friday and I'm trying to decide if I should try to speak to his doctor. I'm sure he doesn't tell him how many beers he has each day. I'm so afraid for his health. He falls asleep sometimes before finishing his dinner and doesn't breathe smoothly. He quit smoking (I think) many years ago but has chewed nicotine gum since... now he's using tobacco pouches AND smoking some each day (no idea how many--hides this too). I fear going to a meeting... I guess because I'm embarassed or ashamed. I'm sorry this has been so rambling...I'm not very good at organizing my thoughts on paper...it's basically steam of thought... Anyway.. I appreciate being able to write this... I haven't talked to anyone about it at all.... don't have anyone I trust enough to talk to.
Iamhere said
Oct 24, 2017
helloitsme - welcome to MIP - so glad you found us and so glad that you reached out. I was fearful and unwilling to go to meetings for a long while, and it just made me 'worst' in the long run. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and it's never cured - only treated when one chooses recovery. It's considered a family disease as almost all friends and family are affected in one way or another.
I hope you will find your courage, and try some meetings. That's where things began to feel better for me. I found others I could share with who truly understood. They shared their own ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) unguarded and listened to me without judgement or advice. It's truly the only safe place I found where I could open up about all the insanity this disease brings to self, home, family, etc.
I hope you keep coming back here too. There are many members and we are a family virtually! We do understand and support each other. There is hope and help in recovery!
mamalioness said
Oct 24, 2017
Hi, Helloitsme.....welcome to MIP where we find out how to care about US....have you any meetings lined up??? I hope you can find some close by and can also get a sponsor to help you with the steps....this forum is about US and how we take care of US.....yea, its therapy to share about the alcoholic and what drove you to reach out to us, and I believe in talking till you don't have to talk no more, but that said, I try to focus on the (yea, vent it out, share it out, etc., release the feelings) but I try to look at "ok, what can I do for me??" and the first things I learned in here was how to just step back...detach from the drinker and ALL his issues, devise ways to protect me financially, mentally, emotionally, etc., by going to the meetings, working with a sponsor, etc...
I had my 2nd Alcoholic husband who was a great guy, but I took measures to protect my assets and myself, but just doing my thing and letting him to his own devices...if he ended up with a driving while under the influence??/ I let him sit in jail....."tough love" is what it is......only they can change themselves, we can't...we can only change US and OUR response to them....thank goodness he is not abusive...my first one was and I cut him loose FAST...marriage was only about 5 years, and most of it was separated.....2nd one was harder but he didn't want help and i just had to make a tough decision "do I want to give end of life care to him at the end???" do I want this till one of us dies??? living as a single but married....never being able to have a mutual, equal, sane, sober, relationship...much as I loved him, I wanted help..he did not...I hope yours can get into AA somehow...sometimes they have to get real sick or in trouble with the law , or job loss to force them into AA...its sad, but my own daughter had to go to jail to FORCE her to get into AA and NA and get help....I refused to break her fall, hence the jail and the recovery..shes been sober going on 6 years.....
I hope , really, you can focus on you and let him to his own devices, being kind and everything but don't break his fall, carry his load..let him learn, hopefully not the hard way, but if that is what it is to be?? then so be it.....I would like to see you get into meetings and find a sponsor and work the steps and take care of you.....YOU are all you can change and control..........IN SUPPORT.....sending healing and good energy
Maresie25 said
Oct 24, 2017
Most doctors are pretty familiar with alcoholism. If they are running routine blood tests (which they are for most people with chronic conditions) the alcohol doesn't hide.
We think they don't know but they do know.
I know one of my friends got told to cut down on the drinking by the doctor.
Relapse is part of the disease of addiction.
Worrying yourself sick about someone is a really hard toll on you. I have been there and done that and the cost to my own health and my life was demonstrable.
Part of the disease of alcoholism is that they don't stop when the red flags are there. When everything says to cut back they don't because in theory at least they can't.
None of us have to go down the road with them. My own health, my financial freedom, my credit all went out of the window when I hooked up with an alcoholic/addict.
Repairing that took me a long long time. I am very lucky that I got to repair my health. I had two life threatening emergencies when I was with him.
All this trying to persuade, confronting, helping, worrying is part of the disease of alcoholism. There are tools in al anon that can help lessen the burden for you.
The problem is they require quite a bit of practice and a commitment really.
The good news is that you gain from being able to use these tools whether or not the alcoholic stops drinking.
I have met alcoholics who stopped drinking who got into recovery. I even met an addict recently who was full score out there and now she is 9 months sober.
At a certain point she got tired of swilling around the bottom but she had a lot of bottoms along the way. I would not have said she was a likely person to get sober a few years ago.
People do get sober but it doesn't appear to be because someone else wills them to do it.
If and when they do get sober, they have a whole new set of issues.
Having support for yourself is key, whatever the alcoholic does. Having tools you can use is so key to managing a life that is unmanageable.
Maresie.
helloitsme said
Oct 25, 2017
Thanks very much for your replys... There is a meeting on Monday nights that I'm going to go to. It's finally sunk in that he's got to want to change/get help/stop. It's not enough that I want him to, etc... I'm ready to learn to leave it alone and find a way to understand and get through this.
Thanks again... will be back
Iamhere said
Oct 26, 2017
helloitsme - so glad you were able to do some searching and find a meeting! Good for you to find your courage. Please keep coming back here too and sending tons of positive thoughts and prayers your way that you find a 'good tribe' of support. It took me a couple meetings to find my home, so don't fret if it doesn't 'feel right'!!
I also learned that if I keep an open mind, and listen for the similarities vs. the differences in the shares, I got more out of it! (((Hugs)))
Hello - I'm very new to this and unsure of how to begin. I don't have a long story to tell. I believe my husband is an alcoholic or, at the very least, an abuser. We have been married for 36 years. I love him so dearly but the past couple of years he's gotten worse. He isn't physically or verbally abusive. In all other respects, he's a great guy. He has a lot of back/sciatic pain and is taking hydrocodone. He has always been a drinker, but not a binger or one to get really drunk. Drinking 3-6 beers/ales a day on top of hydrocodone, valium to help him sleep, and paxil for depression seems to have made things worse. He has always tried to hide his drinking from me but I can tell when I come home from work that he's had booze. There have been so many times he's told me he's sorry and will "do better" but doesn't and has lied to me about it that I no longer trust him I really don't want to leave him, but I don't know how to behave. I usually clam up and don't talk for fear of blowing up and/or saying something I have no intention of following through on or that I would regret. He's lost the sparkle in his eye (maybe from the valium/paxil??) I know he has a doctor's appointment Friday and I'm trying to decide if I should try to speak to his doctor. I'm sure he doesn't tell him how many beers he has each day. I'm so afraid for his health. He falls asleep sometimes before finishing his dinner and doesn't breathe smoothly. He quit smoking (I think) many years ago but has chewed nicotine gum since... now he's using tobacco pouches AND smoking some each day (no idea how many--hides this too). I fear going to a meeting... I guess because I'm embarassed or ashamed. I'm sorry this has been so rambling...I'm not very good at organizing my thoughts on paper...it's basically steam of thought... Anyway.. I appreciate being able to write this... I haven't talked to anyone about it at all.... don't have anyone I trust enough to talk to.
I hope you will find your courage, and try some meetings. That's where things began to feel better for me. I found others I could share with who truly understood. They shared their own ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) unguarded and listened to me without judgement or advice. It's truly the only safe place I found where I could open up about all the insanity this disease brings to self, home, family, etc.
I hope you keep coming back here too. There are many members and we are a family virtually! We do understand and support each other. There is hope and help in recovery!
Hi, Helloitsme.....welcome to MIP where we find out how to care about US....have you any meetings lined up??? I hope you can find some close by and can also get a sponsor to help you with the steps....this forum is about US and how we take care of US.....yea, its therapy to share about the alcoholic and what drove you to reach out to us, and I believe in talking till you don't have to talk no more, but that said, I try to focus on the (yea, vent it out, share it out, etc., release the feelings) but I try to look at "ok, what can I do for me??" and the first things I learned in here was how to just step back...detach from the drinker and ALL his issues, devise ways to protect me financially, mentally, emotionally, etc., by going to the meetings, working with a sponsor, etc...
I had my 2nd Alcoholic husband who was a great guy, but I took measures to protect my assets and myself, but just doing my thing and letting him to his own devices...if he ended up with a driving while under the influence??/ I let him sit in jail....."tough love" is what it is......only they can change themselves, we can't...we can only change US and OUR response to them....thank goodness he is not abusive...my first one was and I cut him loose FAST...marriage was only about 5 years, and most of it was separated.....2nd one was harder but he didn't want help and i just had to make a tough decision "do I want to give end of life care to him at the end???" do I want this till one of us dies??? living as a single but married....never being able to have a mutual, equal, sane, sober, relationship...much as I loved him, I wanted help..he did not...I hope yours can get into AA somehow...sometimes they have to get real sick or in trouble with the law , or job loss to force them into AA...its sad, but my own daughter had to go to jail to FORCE her to get into AA and NA and get help....I refused to break her fall, hence the jail and the recovery..shes been sober going on 6 years.....
I hope , really, you can focus on you and let him to his own devices, being kind and everything but don't break his fall, carry his load..let him learn, hopefully not the hard way, but if that is what it is to be?? then so be it.....I would like to see you get into meetings and find a sponsor and work the steps and take care of you.....YOU are all you can change and control..........IN SUPPORT.....sending healing and good energy
Most doctors are pretty familiar with alcoholism. If they are running routine blood tests (which they are for most people with chronic conditions) the alcohol doesn't hide.
We think they don't know but they do know.
I know one of my friends got told to cut down on the drinking by the doctor.
Relapse is part of the disease of addiction.
Worrying yourself sick about someone is a really hard toll on you. I have been there and done that and the cost to my own health and my life was demonstrable.
Part of the disease of alcoholism is that they don't stop when the red flags are there. When everything says to cut back they don't because in theory at least they can't.
None of us have to go down the road with them. My own health, my financial freedom, my credit all went out of the window when I hooked up with an alcoholic/addict.
Repairing that took me a long long time. I am very lucky that I got to repair my health. I had two life threatening emergencies when I was with him.
All this trying to persuade, confronting, helping, worrying is part of the disease of alcoholism. There are tools in al anon that can help lessen the burden for you.
The problem is they require quite a bit of practice and a commitment really.
The good news is that you gain from being able to use these tools whether or not the alcoholic stops drinking.
I have met alcoholics who stopped drinking who got into recovery. I even met an addict recently who was full score out there and now she is 9 months sober.
At a certain point she got tired of swilling around the bottom but she had a lot of bottoms along the way. I would not have said she was a likely person to get sober a few years ago.
People do get sober but it doesn't appear to be because someone else wills them to do it.
If and when they do get sober, they have a whole new set of issues.
Having support for yourself is key, whatever the alcoholic does. Having tools you can use is so key to managing a life that is unmanageable.
Maresie.
Thanks again... will be back
I also learned that if I keep an open mind, and listen for the similarities vs. the differences in the shares, I got more out of it! (((Hugs)))