Hi, I'm new here. Not really sure where to start other then saying that my wife is addicted to pain medication. I usually like to try to figure my problems out on my own but I am at a breaking point with my wife and I need some advice.
We will have been married 8 yrs this may with a 10 yr old son. weve lived together since 2005, but have been an on and off couple since highschool in the mid 90s. For the most part we have a fantastic relationship, we are not the types to beat around the bush when one of us has a problem so our fights usually last about 5-10 minutes and all is back to normal again...I really couldn't ask for a better partner. so where do the drugs come into play? glad you asked.
Back about 5 yrs ago, my wife had surgery on one of her feet. it was a bunion that had been cause her tremendous pain for years, doctors put fault on the fact that she was a hair stylist for many years and all that time on her feet eventually lead to the problem. prior to the surgery she had dabbled in self prescribing herself pain pills, in secret. She was getting them off of a down the street neighbor. I noticed that she was acting differently, sleeping all day, completely lethargic and irritable. I attributed this to the fact that her foot was causing her so pain until I decided to take a look on her phone messages and found out that she was buying from the neighbor. I confronted her about the problem, we said the "I love yous and we will work together to fix this". a few months later we got set up with the surgery to fix her up and it went as well as it could. and I was aware that the doctor had prescribed her pills but it was, in my opinion, a painful surgery so if things were to get out of hand shed let me know.
nearly a year goes by and I notice that our financial situation is not doing so good, despite making more then enough to cover our bills and live comfortably. bills are piling up, our bank account was shrinking and we were somehow behind a few payments on our home. since she was on disability, we decided that she was going to handle our finances. at this time I was very busy at work, coming home at night every day, on top of that her sister was ready to burst with her 2nd child. obviously there was a lot of stress around the house and everyone was tired and cranky. I got home one Friday night, the day before her sister and baby would be released from the hospital, and I noticed that she looked terrible. black rings around her eyes and she was very irritable. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and attributed it to the fact that shes been going nuts helping her family with the new baby, I didn't want to think anything was wrong. the following day while she was with her mother, her mother found a large bottle of pain pills in her purse, keep in mind I was not there at that time and had no idea that this was going on though I did notice that my wife was not very talkative the rest of the day. later that night she, my wife, ran out to the store to get some asprin, again I paid no mind to it. after nearly an hour of her being gone, its a 5 minute drive, she gets back in a panic and she is following into the house by her mother who tells me that my wife had dumped a bottle of asprin out in the garbage of her house claiming it was her pain pills and that she wasn't addicted. of course this left me in a bad position because somehow I was blind to this whole situation. I wanted to know where she was getting them from so I checked with my insurance company to find out that she was going to 3 different doctors over the past year, once to twice a month, receiving 30-60 pills per visit. heartbroken and angry I kicked her out for a few days to stay with her mother. during this time she decided to check herself into a in-patient clinic. good for her I though, she wants to get better. now this was probably one of the hardest weeks of my life, as I hadn't lived without her in years, so a whole week was torture. when we picked her up the following week I could see the change in her and it was good. by this point I had broke down all of our back due bills and got myself on a payment plan to get everything back into order. Her and I came up with an system that I would give her what money she needed for the week, enough for cigs, gas to get to work and lunch. I was taking over the title of master of coin. for a while things were good.
until 6-7 months later. I noticed she was acting a wee bit off. living with someone for this long, even the subtle differences in behavior can be seen a mile away. she was spending a lot of time in the bathroom, but oddly not flushing and before shed come out id here the faucet run for a sec and then her sniffling very hard. being a experimental teen and socially using into my late 20s I know whats going on. but I cant confront her without hard proof as she will accuse me of not trusting her and trying ot make her feel bad about when she had to go to rehab. so one morning while she was asleep I looked at her phone messages and found out she was getting pills again from another neighbor. I confronted her again and again I got the "I love you, but I need you (me) to do better at helping me". ok, I do better.
until a few months later. same thing starts happening again, but now I am also dealing with the fact that my father has been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. so between hospital visits I am trying to fix things with her and get her clean once and for all. I was in a terrible state by this point as all hope was lost for my father and she appeared to stay clean to be there for me, whether that's the case I don't know as I was so used to the lying by that point it didn't matter. She pleaded with me that she was fine and I had no choice but to give her benefit of the doubt again.
until a few months later, which I believe is end of last summer. everything is fine, she seems fine, the world seems fine. I was in the bathroom and couldn't help but notice red coffee straws, cut down to about 1"/1 1/2" hidden behind some toiletries. I confronted her again about this and she claimed that they were old straws she used to snort the pills but she swore up and down that she was no longer using. of course I didn't buy this so as usual I have to keep my senses open for any unusual behavior. the following day all of the stray straws I found were gone, presumably thrown away, but I wasn't giving up just yet. now ill explain again, without confronting her with hard proof she turns the situation around on me that I am doing this to hurt her and make her feel bad. not to mention the fact that I feel terrible that I cant find it in myself to trust her. a week or so goes by and her sister calls in a panic, that she found her youngest daughter, my god-daughter, playing with a 1" red coffee straw that she found in their couch. my wife tries to get me involved to convince my sister in law that it was an old "clean" straw and that she was not using. the best I could say is that I wasn't sure, I had found them around the house but to get rid of it immediately just in case. this sent me into a rage, as my god-daughter, is the closest thing I have to a daughter, because had something happened to her I don't know what I would have done to my wife. the next couple days were pretty bad, I can mean when I want to be and those couple days I wanted to be. it was that weekend that I found what I was looking for, half a pill and a cut up straw with white powder on the rim. at this time I was also noticed a lot of money missing from our bank account, which she claimed was used towards the many birthdays we celebrate in august. at this point I had enough, I told her I was done. I couldn't deal with this anymore, but her parents sat with me and convinced me that that was not the best idea because of our son. fine, she can stay. she cleaned up again, we did a few home tests all was good, we even got her set up with a drug councilor who did wonders for her self esteem. it was great see her like that.
until 6 months later, that would be around February of this year. I had deciced I didn't want to play the money game with her anymore. she was doing great with therapy but I was incredibly stressed from work and needed help from her to pay some of the bills on her time. I set her up with a bank account where her checks would go and she would pay a few of the smaller bills while I took care of the big stuff. she gets a little spend crazy and I had enough of her dipping into our family fund to needless stuff that was breaking our bank. within 2 months she had completely screwed up all 4 of the bills I had given her as responsibility and actually managed to get the bank account into the negative 400s, which I finally took care of a few weeks ago. this time I just came out with it and told her I know shes using yet again. back to square one again. when will I get a f***ing break...
so its now, money flowing everything is fine. she has been back on her weekly allowance we are seeing positive growth on all of our money. finally we are at a place that I have wanted us to be in. but again theres a problem. everyweek she gives me her check, her job doesn't have direct deposit..long story, I deposit and done. at the end of summer we both decided to quit smoking, since our son has been on our case for months. it sucks but we are still smoke free since the first week of sept. fantasic news, but I notice that she is still blowing through her weekly allowance and now cashing her paychecks for me, which isn't a problem except they are always $40 short. and I notice a few food shopping receipts that show that she is taking the cash back options upon check out, usually 40-60$. again I am also seeing cash withdrawals on a weekly basis, between 20-40$. this past paycheck was $80 short. when confronted about this ridiculous spending she again yells at me that its her money and she can do what she wants. "you(me) am not my father and you don't tell me what I can spend my money on". I am livid. I am hurt. I am not stupid. I spent the weekend in bed with a fever so she was taking care of all the house duties. once I felt a little better yesterday I decided to snoop around while I had the house to myself and low and behold I found a 1" red straw with white powder around the rim hidden underneath some lady supplies in the bathroom.
what bothers me most is that in between these episodes we really do have a great marriage. our son is a great kid, who has no idea any of these things are going on. but I don't know what to do. every time I tell her its the last time and every time I give in. I know that I have to stop eventually and I am afraid that this has to be it. I'm afraid to break our family up as it will devastate our son but at the same time I don't want to be with her if this is going to be the rest of our life. I deserve better and so does my son. the lying to me, as sad as it is to say, I am used to. but if she wont change for his sake, then she doesn't deserve him. I have had too many friends who get lost in this addiction go to a dark place. I don't want him around it and I don't want to watch it. ive been avoiding her calls all day but I know I have to take care of this tonight. still not sure how I am going to go about it.
I cant handle my work and his school and maintain our home by myself, so in a way I do need her. i am sure her family will help me but that leaves what to do with her. the idea of ending things pains me, but i believe deep down its the only thing i can do to send a clear message to her. i am not ok with lies and she is well aware of that, but her continuous sneaky behavior looks to me that i am being played for a sucker by her.
-- Edited by Iamhere on Tuesday 24th of October 2017 05:04:19 PM
Maresie said
Oct 24, 2017
Opiate addiction is at an time high.
There are programs thst can help her. NS being one.of.them
The setting limits and having those limits over ridden is very.tox8v stuff. My.finances suffered around the.now ex A, electricity cut off, p g & e cut. . I akways stepoed in.and paod them.
Then after the profram hit I did nothing when the phobe was switchef off. I.did nothing either when tfhe electricity was cit off.
Stepping in didnt.help me. I.also started.cutting back on.the stuff.that wss my.share. i took the foid bill down.
I.started a savings fund.
I.stopped paying for alk the gas too. After all he didnt.give.me a ride anywhetr.
Detaching is so difficult in the middle.of.chaos.
Learning to detach.was one of the best toos I.gave myself. I.detached in anger, groef and eventually with.compassion.
Al.anon.has many tools that can help. If your schedule is completely blockaded you can go to meetings online.
The help and support you need is available in.al anon.anf.in your case in nar anon too.
Welcome
Maresie
Aline said
Oct 24, 2017
Hi, Pete, I'm so sorry about what you're going through. Reading about the roller-coaster you've gone through - that was me (still is, if I let myself get sucked into the craziness), up and down, up and down, but still in the long run it all goes downhill, really, if the addiction is not arrested.
If you haven't been to any Alanon / Naranon face to face meetings yet, I really suggest looking up a local one (its recommended to try out several meetings) and attending. This program has been the best gift my adulthood has brought me, and I owe my sanity (still a work in progress, though) to it. There's hope and help available, and I think the program works precisely because all the people in the fellowship know what others are going through or have gone through, as nobody else can know. I also tried to solve my problems by myself for years, and like many others here I was eventually at the end of my wits, having done nothing to help my partner (done some damage though), and completely exhausted myself trying to do so.
One of the first things I learned in Alanon was the 3 Cs: I didn't Cause, I can't Control it, and I can't Cure it. I had beaten myself up for the first one for years, tried (unsuccessfully) to do the second and third for years. Made myself crazy and depressed, and all my clever (I though so at the time) schemes didn't make a dent in the addiction.
It is suggested to work the program for 6 months before making life changing decisions, so that we can be sure the decision comes from a healthier place, except for situations that are life-threatening, in which case safety first.
I hope you give Alanon or Naranon a try, there's support here.
Hugs, and warm thoughts to you and your family. You are not alone :)
The1975jen said
Oct 24, 2017
We completely understand what you are going through and there are online meetings here available to you as well. Keep coming back! You are not alone :)
Iamhere said
Oct 24, 2017
Welcome to MIP Pete - glad you found us and glad that you shared. Addiction and alcoholism are very similar - both are progressive, both are family diseases and both are never cured - only treated.
Family disease suggests that everyone is affected (usually) in one way or another. Clearly you love your wife and there is never any shame in loving one who is sick with this disease. I am still with my AH (Alc. Husband) yet found myself again by going to Al-Anon and working on me. Like you, I would 'see patterns', 'do the research', 'prove the obvious' and confront. Each time I got the sorry, love you, will do better, etc. The intervals got shorter and shorter as that is how this disease affects the diseased. It is a continual threat and temptation, one which says, "a little won't hurt" yet the diseased doesn't have the ability to stop once they start.
Al-Anon helped me accept mine exactly as he was/is. I had to stop expecting him to be what I needed him to be, and allow him to be who he is. It's not an easy road - things changed with him/his disease when he developed heart disease. His consumption dropped drastically and now he's switched to pain pills as well. I pay all the bills and I keep an eye out for the $$ and set very clear boundaries. It's working for me, just for today but it's been a long, hard path/journey.
I'm so sorry about your father too. I do encourage you to find Al-Anon meetings close to you (or Nar-Anon) and give it a try. If nothing comes of it, you will know you are not alone. Both are for friends/family of one who is addicted to substances/alcohol. I have 2 sons and both ended up with a heroine addiction - it's a tough, tough life and a really hard habit to break. One is about 30 days clean/sober and the other is about 4/5 months. They've both been to treatment 5x(s) and even in mental health facilities as well. I am one who believes addictive tendencies are genetic - I'm 4th or 5th generation and my boys are the next.
Know that you are not alone. Know that you can't cure her. Know that you didn't cause this. And know that it's a formidable disease - larger than life. She may very well 'want' to stop and it's just got a hold of her - that's how this disease works. Keep coming back!
PS - I did an edit on your post just to 'cleanse' your F word!
KT2015 said
Oct 25, 2017
Hi Pete,
Welcome to MIP. I can relate to your situation as well. I have an alcoholic husband who often tries to hide his drinking from me. Al ANon really helped me. Are you attending either Al Anon or Nar Anon?
Before I came to Al Anon I tried to find "Hard evidence" to prove that my AH was drinking too much because we had a difference of opinion. I believed he was drinking a lot when I wasn't home (before I got home from work or when I would go out). He argued that he was not and everything was fine. I spent a lot of crazy making hours trying to track, monitor, look for empties etc etc to prove my case and make him see the problem.
One of the best things I heard in the first few meetings I went to is the concept of the three C's. "you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it". Reading about this and hearing it from others really helped me to grasp this concept and let go of that behaviour. No matter what I did, no matter the proof that I find, no matter the controls I tried to put on things my alcoholic was going to find access to his alcohol. I was going to a lot of effort trying to control it or cure it (convince him to change) and it wasn't doing anything. Trying to monitor his drinking was making my life really unmanageable. In Al anon I learned to put the focus back on myself and focus on taking care of what I need. This helped me to get more clarity on the situation.
I recommend you attend a meeting and see if you find it helpful. You are certainly not alone. Keep coming back and welcome to the MIP board!
SerenityRUS said
Oct 26, 2017
Welcome Pete,
Glad you are here .. I hope you will keep coming back. You are so not alone in this issue. While our stories may differ the core feelings are the same.
Hugs S :)
WestMan said
Oct 27, 2017
Welcome Pete. Sorry you're having to deal with this horrible situation. I'm in somewhat similar circumstances myself having been forced to kick my wife out of the house a couple weeks ago. I would definitely suggest you attend some al-anon meetings. This program is really saving my sanity right now and it would probably help you too. Alateen is also helping my older two children.
You're story gives me some things to think about. This is our first go around with rehab and she's really been laying on the charm pretty thick. I've struggled as I wanted to believe her but had also been on guard. Now I think that I am probably getting the big song and dance. She probably believes much of what she's telling me but I think that a lot of it may be desperation to get back to her comfort zone.
Hi, I'm new here. Not really sure where to start other then saying that my wife is addicted to pain medication. I usually like to try to figure my problems out on my own but I am at a breaking point with my wife and I need some advice.
We will have been married 8 yrs this may with a 10 yr old son. weve lived together since 2005, but have been an on and off couple since highschool in the mid 90s. For the most part we have a fantastic relationship, we are not the types to beat around the bush when one of us has a problem so our fights usually last about 5-10 minutes and all is back to normal again...I really couldn't ask for a better partner. so where do the drugs come into play? glad you asked.
Back about 5 yrs ago, my wife had surgery on one of her feet. it was a bunion that had been cause her tremendous pain for years, doctors put fault on the fact that she was a hair stylist for many years and all that time on her feet eventually lead to the problem. prior to the surgery she had dabbled in self prescribing herself pain pills, in secret. She was getting them off of a down the street neighbor. I noticed that she was acting differently, sleeping all day, completely lethargic and irritable. I attributed this to the fact that her foot was causing her so pain until I decided to take a look on her phone messages and found out that she was buying from the neighbor. I confronted her about the problem, we said the "I love yous and we will work together to fix this". a few months later we got set up with the surgery to fix her up and it went as well as it could. and I was aware that the doctor had prescribed her pills but it was, in my opinion, a painful surgery so if things were to get out of hand shed let me know.
nearly a year goes by and I notice that our financial situation is not doing so good, despite making more then enough to cover our bills and live comfortably. bills are piling up, our bank account was shrinking and we were somehow behind a few payments on our home. since she was on disability, we decided that she was going to handle our finances. at this time I was very busy at work, coming home at night every day, on top of that her sister was ready to burst with her 2nd child. obviously there was a lot of stress around the house and everyone was tired and cranky. I got home one Friday night, the day before her sister and baby would be released from the hospital, and I noticed that she looked terrible. black rings around her eyes and she was very irritable. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and attributed it to the fact that shes been going nuts helping her family with the new baby, I didn't want to think anything was wrong. the following day while she was with her mother, her mother found a large bottle of pain pills in her purse, keep in mind I was not there at that time and had no idea that this was going on though I did notice that my wife was not very talkative the rest of the day. later that night she, my wife, ran out to the store to get some asprin, again I paid no mind to it. after nearly an hour of her being gone, its a 5 minute drive, she gets back in a panic and she is following into the house by her mother who tells me that my wife had dumped a bottle of asprin out in the garbage of her house claiming it was her pain pills and that she wasn't addicted. of course this left me in a bad position because somehow I was blind to this whole situation. I wanted to know where she was getting them from so I checked with my insurance company to find out that she was going to 3 different doctors over the past year, once to twice a month, receiving 30-60 pills per visit. heartbroken and angry I kicked her out for a few days to stay with her mother. during this time she decided to check herself into a in-patient clinic. good for her I though, she wants to get better. now this was probably one of the hardest weeks of my life, as I hadn't lived without her in years, so a whole week was torture. when we picked her up the following week I could see the change in her and it was good. by this point I had broke down all of our back due bills and got myself on a payment plan to get everything back into order. Her and I came up with an system that I would give her what money she needed for the week, enough for cigs, gas to get to work and lunch. I was taking over the title of master of coin. for a while things were good.
until 6-7 months later. I noticed she was acting a wee bit off. living with someone for this long, even the subtle differences in behavior can be seen a mile away. she was spending a lot of time in the bathroom, but oddly not flushing and before shed come out id here the faucet run for a sec and then her sniffling very hard. being a experimental teen and socially using into my late 20s I know whats going on. but I cant confront her without hard proof as she will accuse me of not trusting her and trying ot make her feel bad about when she had to go to rehab. so one morning while she was asleep I looked at her phone messages and found out she was getting pills again from another neighbor. I confronted her again and again I got the "I love you, but I need you (me) to do better at helping me". ok, I do better.
until a few months later. same thing starts happening again, but now I am also dealing with the fact that my father has been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. so between hospital visits I am trying to fix things with her and get her clean once and for all. I was in a terrible state by this point as all hope was lost for my father and she appeared to stay clean to be there for me, whether that's the case I don't know as I was so used to the lying by that point it didn't matter. She pleaded with me that she was fine and I had no choice but to give her benefit of the doubt again.
until a few months later, which I believe is end of last summer. everything is fine, she seems fine, the world seems fine. I was in the bathroom and couldn't help but notice red coffee straws, cut down to about 1"/1 1/2" hidden behind some toiletries. I confronted her again about this and she claimed that they were old straws she used to snort the pills but she swore up and down that she was no longer using. of course I didn't buy this so as usual I have to keep my senses open for any unusual behavior. the following day all of the stray straws I found were gone, presumably thrown away, but I wasn't giving up just yet. now ill explain again, without confronting her with hard proof she turns the situation around on me that I am doing this to hurt her and make her feel bad. not to mention the fact that I feel terrible that I cant find it in myself to trust her. a week or so goes by and her sister calls in a panic, that she found her youngest daughter, my god-daughter, playing with a 1" red coffee straw that she found in their couch. my wife tries to get me involved to convince my sister in law that it was an old "clean" straw and that she was not using. the best I could say is that I wasn't sure, I had found them around the house but to get rid of it immediately just in case. this sent me into a rage, as my god-daughter, is the closest thing I have to a daughter, because had something happened to her I don't know what I would have done to my wife. the next couple days were pretty bad, I can mean when I want to be and those couple days I wanted to be. it was that weekend that I found what I was looking for, half a pill and a cut up straw with white powder on the rim. at this time I was also noticed a lot of money missing from our bank account, which she claimed was used towards the many birthdays we celebrate in august. at this point I had enough, I told her I was done. I couldn't deal with this anymore, but her parents sat with me and convinced me that that was not the best idea because of our son. fine, she can stay. she cleaned up again, we did a few home tests all was good, we even got her set up with a drug councilor who did wonders for her self esteem. it was great see her like that.
until 6 months later, that would be around February of this year. I had deciced I didn't want to play the money game with her anymore. she was doing great with therapy but I was incredibly stressed from work and needed help from her to pay some of the bills on her time. I set her up with a bank account where her checks would go and she would pay a few of the smaller bills while I took care of the big stuff. she gets a little spend crazy and I had enough of her dipping into our family fund to needless stuff that was breaking our bank. within 2 months she had completely screwed up all 4 of the bills I had given her as responsibility and actually managed to get the bank account into the negative 400s, which I finally took care of a few weeks ago. this time I just came out with it and told her I know shes using yet again. back to square one again. when will I get a f***ing break...
so its now, money flowing everything is fine. she has been back on her weekly allowance we are seeing positive growth on all of our money. finally we are at a place that I have wanted us to be in. but again theres a problem. everyweek she gives me her check, her job doesn't have direct deposit..long story, I deposit and done. at the end of summer we both decided to quit smoking, since our son has been on our case for months. it sucks but we are still smoke free since the first week of sept. fantasic news, but I notice that she is still blowing through her weekly allowance and now cashing her paychecks for me, which isn't a problem except they are always $40 short. and I notice a few food shopping receipts that show that she is taking the cash back options upon check out, usually 40-60$. again I am also seeing cash withdrawals on a weekly basis, between 20-40$. this past paycheck was $80 short. when confronted about this ridiculous spending she again yells at me that its her money and she can do what she wants. "you(me) am not my father and you don't tell me what I can spend my money on". I am livid. I am hurt. I am not stupid. I spent the weekend in bed with a fever so she was taking care of all the house duties. once I felt a little better yesterday I decided to snoop around while I had the house to myself and low and behold I found a 1" red straw with white powder around the rim hidden underneath some lady supplies in the bathroom.
what bothers me most is that in between these episodes we really do have a great marriage. our son is a great kid, who has no idea any of these things are going on. but I don't know what to do. every time I tell her its the last time and every time I give in. I know that I have to stop eventually and I am afraid that this has to be it. I'm afraid to break our family up as it will devastate our son but at the same time I don't want to be with her if this is going to be the rest of our life. I deserve better and so does my son. the lying to me, as sad as it is to say, I am used to. but if she wont change for his sake, then she doesn't deserve him. I have had too many friends who get lost in this addiction go to a dark place. I don't want him around it and I don't want to watch it. ive been avoiding her calls all day but I know I have to take care of this tonight. still not sure how I am going to go about it.
I cant handle my work and his school and maintain our home by myself, so in a way I do need her. i am sure her family will help me but that leaves what to do with her. the idea of ending things pains me, but i believe deep down its the only thing i can do to send a clear message to her. i am not ok with lies and she is well aware of that, but her continuous sneaky behavior looks to me that i am being played for a sucker by her.
-- Edited by Iamhere on Tuesday 24th of October 2017 05:04:19 PM
Opiate addiction is at an time high.
There are programs thst can help her. NS being one.of.them
The setting limits and having those limits over ridden is very.tox8v stuff. My.finances suffered around the.now ex A, electricity cut off, p g & e cut. . I akways stepoed in.and paod them.
Then after the profram hit I did nothing when the phobe was switchef off. I.did nothing either when tfhe electricity was cit off.
Stepping in didnt.help me. I.also started.cutting back on.the stuff.that wss my.share. i took the foid bill down.
I.started a savings fund.
I.stopped paying for alk the gas too. After all he didnt.give.me a ride anywhetr.
Detaching is so difficult in the middle.of.chaos.
Learning to detach.was one of the best toos I.gave myself. I.detached in anger, groef and eventually with.compassion.
Al.anon.has many tools that can help. If your schedule is completely blockaded you can go to meetings online.
The help and support you need is available in.al anon.anf.in your case in nar anon too.
Welcome
Maresie
If you haven't been to any Alanon / Naranon face to face meetings yet, I really suggest looking up a local one (its recommended to try out several meetings) and attending. This program has been the best gift my adulthood has brought me, and I owe my sanity (still a work in progress, though) to it. There's hope and help available, and I think the program works precisely because all the people in the fellowship know what others are going through or have gone through, as nobody else can know. I also tried to solve my problems by myself for years, and like many others here I was eventually at the end of my wits, having done nothing to help my partner (done some damage though), and completely exhausted myself trying to do so.
One of the first things I learned in Alanon was the 3 Cs: I didn't Cause, I can't Control it, and I can't Cure it. I had beaten myself up for the first one for years, tried (unsuccessfully) to do the second and third for years. Made myself crazy and depressed, and all my clever (I though so at the time) schemes didn't make a dent in the addiction.
It is suggested to work the program for 6 months before making life changing decisions, so that we can be sure the decision comes from a healthier place, except for situations that are life-threatening, in which case safety first.
I hope you give Alanon or Naranon a try, there's support here.
Hugs, and warm thoughts to you and your family. You are not alone :)
Family disease suggests that everyone is affected (usually) in one way or another. Clearly you love your wife and there is never any shame in loving one who is sick with this disease. I am still with my AH (Alc. Husband) yet found myself again by going to Al-Anon and working on me. Like you, I would 'see patterns', 'do the research', 'prove the obvious' and confront. Each time I got the sorry, love you, will do better, etc. The intervals got shorter and shorter as that is how this disease affects the diseased. It is a continual threat and temptation, one which says, "a little won't hurt" yet the diseased doesn't have the ability to stop once they start.
Al-Anon helped me accept mine exactly as he was/is. I had to stop expecting him to be what I needed him to be, and allow him to be who he is. It's not an easy road - things changed with him/his disease when he developed heart disease. His consumption dropped drastically and now he's switched to pain pills as well. I pay all the bills and I keep an eye out for the $$ and set very clear boundaries. It's working for me, just for today but it's been a long, hard path/journey.
I'm so sorry about your father too. I do encourage you to find Al-Anon meetings close to you (or Nar-Anon) and give it a try. If nothing comes of it, you will know you are not alone. Both are for friends/family of one who is addicted to substances/alcohol. I have 2 sons and both ended up with a heroine addiction - it's a tough, tough life and a really hard habit to break. One is about 30 days clean/sober and the other is about 4/5 months. They've both been to treatment 5x(s) and even in mental health facilities as well. I am one who believes addictive tendencies are genetic - I'm 4th or 5th generation and my boys are the next.
Know that you are not alone. Know that you can't cure her. Know that you didn't cause this. And know that it's a formidable disease - larger than life. She may very well 'want' to stop and it's just got a hold of her - that's how this disease works. Keep coming back!
PS - I did an edit on your post just to 'cleanse' your F word!
Welcome to MIP. I can relate to your situation as well. I have an alcoholic husband who often tries to hide his drinking from me. Al ANon really helped me. Are you attending either Al Anon or Nar Anon?
Before I came to Al Anon I tried to find "Hard evidence" to prove that my AH was drinking too much because we had a difference of opinion. I believed he was drinking a lot when I wasn't home (before I got home from work or when I would go out). He argued that he was not and everything was fine. I spent a lot of crazy making hours trying to track, monitor, look for empties etc etc to prove my case and make him see the problem.
One of the best things I heard in the first few meetings I went to is the concept of the three C's. "you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it". Reading about this and hearing it from others really helped me to grasp this concept and let go of that behaviour. No matter what I did, no matter the proof that I find, no matter the controls I tried to put on things my alcoholic was going to find access to his alcohol. I was going to a lot of effort trying to control it or cure it (convince him to change) and it wasn't doing anything. Trying to monitor his drinking was making my life really unmanageable. In Al anon I learned to put the focus back on myself and focus on taking care of what I need. This helped me to get more clarity on the situation.
I recommend you attend a meeting and see if you find it helpful. You are certainly not alone. Keep coming back and welcome to the MIP board!
Glad you are here .. I hope you will keep coming back. You are so not alone in this issue. While our stories may differ the core feelings are the same.
Hugs S :)
Welcome Pete. Sorry you're having to deal with this horrible situation. I'm in somewhat similar circumstances myself having been forced to kick my wife out of the house a couple weeks ago. I would definitely suggest you attend some al-anon meetings. This program is really saving my sanity right now and it would probably help you too. Alateen is also helping my older two children.
You're story gives me some things to think about. This is our first go around with rehab and she's really been laying on the charm pretty thick. I've struggled as I wanted to believe her but had also been on guard. Now I think that I am probably getting the big song and dance. She probably believes much of what she's telling me but I think that a lot of it may be desperation to get back to her comfort zone.