Hello everyone I haven't been here in a long time. I've been going to therapy for a year and a half and it has done wonders for me finding myself again. I am not the whole person I was but I am getting there. Over 2 years ago my abf said some trust breaking personal threatening things to me that I have not been able to forgive and get over along with other things he's said and done and not doing any changing himself to get better I've had enough I want out. But I can't bring my self to tell him I want him to leave. It used to be that part of it was for financial reasons and those reasons are still there but I don't care. I feel that our relationship is so broken I'm not sure it can ever be fixed. I feel that I won't be able to know until I get space from him to sort out what has gone on and see if there are any other feelings I have besides anger, resentment, loneliness and disappointment because that is all I feel right now. I also feel he will never get the help he needs (he was in therapy before and I could see positive changes in him until he stopped going-loss of license) as long as he's living here and has some kind of comfort level. I've told him more than once in the last 2 years he has to go to therapy or AA if he wants to stay....he hasn't. Part of me feels guilty because his immediate family is all gone his brother, mother and father have all passed away and his extended family is pretty much useless. My father who was an Alcoholic for the first 15 yrs of my life and sober and in recovery the last 21 (passed away in 2008) always told me I will know when I have hit my bottom and when I am ready to get out. I'm afraid I second guess myself and this is why I'm still here. Why can't I just take that last step and say those words to him. "I want you to leave I thinks it's best for both of us" My kids have no idea what a healthy loving relationship looks like and that scares me. Thanks for reading. Holly
Lyne said
Oct 24, 2017
Welcome back Holly. I have been in the confusion and anxiety of not know what to do with my A spouse-stay, leave, move into other bedroom , etc. All the feelings you described I have felt too. What I did 4 years ago was made a serious commitment to my recovery by going to F2F meetings and getting a sponsor. I learned that I could take the time to get myself strong and then make these important decisions. 4 years later now, my A is sober and we are seeing an addiction counselor together. My giving myself time to slow down, get myself together, and figure things out, have been a tremendous help. Perhaps you could get involved with Alanon again and then figure out what words you want to say, Lyne
Iamhere said
Oct 24, 2017
I too welcome you back Holly. I can relate to where you are. We are all such different beings that I am just grateful I found Al-Anon and worked the program. My marriage (still in it) is my second and I bailed fast and furiously on the first one. When things got really bad here, I was frustrated, stuck and defeated - mentally, spiritually, emotionally and physically.
I fought my way back to me with recovery and use this program each/every day to stay and find joy in my marriage. It's far from perfect, yet it's gotten way better as I've worked my program and stayed on my side of the street. I tried just about everything before, and the program and timing worked for me this time....
You are not alone - keep coming back!
strong4me said
Oct 24, 2017
Hi Holly right there with you. Every day I struggle with wanting to leave one minute and justifying staying the next. I just attended my first meeting yesterday and Im going to continue going tand working on getting myself healthy and stronger. Im not going to make any decisions right now just going to read up on the program and use the tools provided. Thanks for sharing and Im glad you are here.
Maresie said
Oct 24, 2017
Thete are tools that can help you. One way.is to make a plan b. What thatbmeans is to look at all the thing you.need.to leave the relationship. I got really.busy with lookung at that plan b.
The process began. The agonising.diminished.
It is never easy to stay.or leave. There are tools that cut.down on the self hate, worry and anxiety.
Maresie
Holly09 said
Oct 24, 2017
Thank you everyone it's really nice to know I am not alone with the feelings I have. We're in the 15th year of this relationship and up until last year I tried and kept trying to encourage him to give him self esteem and make him feel good because he's never had self esteem or loved himself for who he is the good, bad and the ugly and up until I started seeing my therapist I started feeling that same way! He was making me feel that way with the things he would say to me (sober or drunk) I lost the love for myself and I am finally feeling that love for myself again! Earlier this year I quit trying I'm generally nice to him but don't go out of my way to make him feel good because what I have learned is if someone can't love themselves then they can't love you either. He has always been emotionally detached and for years I listened to his excuses why and accepted it and went without the affection or words I needed from him so I could feel the things I was giving to him, not any more. He chooses not to go back to therapy or get help he just keeps doing the same things over and over again changing depression meds. because they're not making him feel good. He is the definition of insanity. And in all of this I now choose me. I will no longer give emotionally to someone who will not give back to me. Sometimes I feel parts of me are so broken now I'm not sure they will ever be fixed. I don't have to be the me I was before him that's not possible after 2 more children and a boat load of life changing circumstances and that's ok. I just want to be a healthy and happy me with a lot less stress. Holly
bettyk said
Oct 24, 2017
Welcome back Holly Working the Steps helped to restore my self esteem and self worth as well as the ability to speak my truth please come back visit our Step Board and give it a try.
joker said
Oct 24, 2017
i am in the same place as you are in. So relate. I am working my butt off on staying sane and getting strong. I will be going to a meeting this week again. I have no other option. I have to get strong for me!
Jerry F said
Oct 24, 2017
Welcome home Holly and after checking realized it has been 7 years since last posting to you. I remember the early journey and coming face to face with the "courage to change the things I can" words from the Serenity Prayer and making the choice in spite of the fear or not knowing how things would come about. Knowing how I want things to come about is easier when I am with me only and more difficult when not just as I read in your post. Still I won't enable my partner's negative out comings. She has got to change those herself the best way she knows how. I support the decisions she has to make for herself and go on with my life cause that is my job. (((((hugs)))))
WestMan said
Oct 25, 2017
Hi Holly. I'm definitely feeling some of what you are saying here. I wish I had had time for a plan B as my relationship with my AW took a sudden disastrous turn and I had to make very quick decisions about the kids and all our property. I got emergency orders for custody and barred her from returning home. Easily the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. All she and the kids wanted was for her to return home.
But, with much difficulty and doubt, I stood firm. After two weeks of hell she is now in a residential rehab. She has told me now that this was rock bottom for her. Time will tell but at the moment she has a commitment I've not seen before. There are more tough decisions ahead. We will certainly have a lot of financial difficulty from this incident. There are no guarantees but I have more hope than I did a couple weeks ago which I wouldn't have if our situation hadn't changed.
Good luck. Be gentle with yourself.
wifeofalcoholic said
Oct 25, 2017
Unfortunately what you're experiencing is all part of the disease of alcoholism. One minute things look positive and the next minute we are in the midst of all the emotions reacting to alcoholism. We remember wonderful times with the alcoholic or perhaps past sobriety and this makes us want to stay. There are no easy answers and not all of us choose the same path. Stay true to yourself and understand where you want to be in your life and what relationship you need to give you happiness. Don't let guilt get in the way of your decisions. Wishing you the best.
Aline said
Oct 26, 2017
Hi, Holly, ((((hugs)))). For me, one of the main reasons I stayed with my ABF for much longer than was healthy for me, as I discovered one unpleasant evening, was fear of being the one to end things. I was more afraid of the (mostly imagined) consequences than I was of staying, and in a way I kind of waited for things to get "bad enough" so that I could feel fully justified to leave, but things never seemed to get quite bad enough for me to truly feel the justification. At the time, I had conjured up a future I was sure would come true if I left, and it was all very bad in my mind. To top it off, I was also in denial about this fear of being the one to make the move to separate, and I used to tell myself it was just because I loved him, but really, it wasn't just about that. I guess my bottom turned out not so much his actions as me uncovering and finally facing my true motives for staying, which were largely fear-driven. The consequences of my moving out turned out different, and better, than I feared. I'm learning that my feelings are not facts, and thankfully my fears, which can be quite epic in proportions, are very often not facts.
Wishing you all the best in this journey of ours. :)
SerenityRUS said
Oct 26, 2017
Hugs Holly,
I'm really glad you are here and hope you keep coming back .. I did not choose my XAH by accident. That's where Alanon has helped me work on myself and move forward through the trappings of our relationship and what I imagined it to be, in my case I think it was what I was suppose to do and I don't think that I had what I would call "real feelings" because I didn't know how to give them if I did .. I went into the relationship not ok.
Guilt is never a reason to stay with someone. It adds to the resentment of what is going on and playing out .. it only further destroys any good feelings that were left.
I hope you keep coming back and you find the answers you are seeking through your own work I found working with a sponsor, going to meetings and learning about why I do the things I do and what I can do to change those are the best ways to go.
Hello everyone I haven't been here in a long time. I've been going to therapy for a year and a half and it has done wonders for me finding myself again. I am not the whole person I was but I am getting there. Over 2 years ago my abf said some trust breaking personal threatening things to me that I have not been able to forgive and get over along with other things he's said and done and not doing any changing himself to get better I've had enough I want out. But I can't bring my self to tell him I want him to leave. It used to be that part of it was for financial reasons and those reasons are still there but I don't care. I feel that our relationship is so broken I'm not sure it can ever be fixed. I feel that I won't be able to know until I get space from him to sort out what has gone on and see if there are any other feelings I have besides anger, resentment, loneliness and disappointment because that is all I feel right now. I also feel he will never get the help he needs (he was in therapy before and I could see positive changes in him until he stopped going-loss of license) as long as he's living here and has some kind of comfort level. I've told him more than once in the last 2 years he has to go to therapy or AA if he wants to stay....he hasn't. Part of me feels guilty because his immediate family is all gone his brother, mother and father have all passed away and his extended family is pretty much useless. My father who was an Alcoholic for the first 15 yrs of my life and sober and in recovery the last 21 (passed away in 2008) always told me I will know when I have hit my bottom and when I am ready to get out. I'm afraid I second guess myself and this is why I'm still here. Why can't I just take that last step and say those words to him. "I want you to leave I thinks it's best for both of us" My kids have no idea what a healthy loving relationship looks like and that scares me. Thanks for reading. Holly
I fought my way back to me with recovery and use this program each/every day to stay and find joy in my marriage. It's far from perfect, yet it's gotten way better as I've worked my program and stayed on my side of the street. I tried just about everything before, and the program and timing worked for me this time....
You are not alone - keep coming back!
Thete are tools that can help you. One way.is to make a plan b. What thatbmeans is to look at all the thing you.need.to leave the relationship. I got really.busy with lookung at that plan b.
The process began. The agonising.diminished.
It is never easy to stay.or leave. There are tools that cut.down on the self hate, worry and anxiety.
Maresie
Thank you everyone it's really nice to know I am not alone with the feelings I have. We're in the 15th year of this relationship and up until last year I tried and kept trying to encourage him to give him self esteem and make him feel good because he's never had self esteem or loved himself for who he is the good, bad and the ugly and up until I started seeing my therapist I started feeling that same way! He was making me feel that way with the things he would say to me (sober or drunk) I lost the love for myself and I am finally feeling that love for myself again! Earlier this year I quit trying I'm generally nice to him but don't go out of my way to make him feel good because what I have learned is if someone can't love themselves then they can't love you either. He has always been emotionally detached and for years I listened to his excuses why and accepted it and went without the affection or words I needed from him so I could feel the things I was giving to him, not any more. He chooses not to go back to therapy or get help he just keeps doing the same things over and over again changing depression meds. because they're not making him feel good. He is the definition of insanity. And in all of this I now choose me. I will no longer give emotionally to someone who will not give back to me. Sometimes I feel parts of me are so broken now I'm not sure they will ever be fixed. I don't have to be the me I was before him that's not possible after 2 more children and a boat load of life changing circumstances and that's ok. I just want to be a healthy and happy me with a lot less stress. Holly
i am in the same place as you are in. So relate. I am working my butt off on staying sane and getting strong. I will be going to a meeting this week again. I have no other option. I have to get strong for me!
Welcome home Holly and after checking realized it has been 7 years since last posting to you. I remember the early journey and coming face to face with the "courage to change the things I can" words from the Serenity Prayer and making the choice in spite of the fear or not knowing how things would come about. Knowing how I want things to come about is easier when I am with me only and more difficult when not just as I read in your post. Still I won't enable my partner's negative out comings. She has got to change those herself the best way she knows how. I support the decisions she has to make for herself and go on with my life cause that is my job. (((((hugs)))))
Hi Holly. I'm definitely feeling some of what you are saying here. I wish I had had time for a plan B as my relationship with my AW took a sudden disastrous turn and I had to make very quick decisions about the kids and all our property. I got emergency orders for custody and barred her from returning home. Easily the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. All she and the kids wanted was for her to return home.
But, with much difficulty and doubt, I stood firm. After two weeks of hell she is now in a residential rehab. She has told me now that this was rock bottom for her. Time will tell but at the moment she has a commitment I've not seen before. There are more tough decisions ahead. We will certainly have a lot of financial difficulty from this incident. There are no guarantees but I have more hope than I did a couple weeks ago which I wouldn't have if our situation hadn't changed.
Good luck. Be gentle with yourself.
Wishing you all the best in this journey of ours. :)
I'm really glad you are here and hope you keep coming back .. I did not choose my XAH by accident. That's where Alanon has helped me work on myself and move forward through the trappings of our relationship and what I imagined it to be, in my case I think it was what I was suppose to do and I don't think that I had what I would call "real feelings" because I didn't know how to give them if I did .. I went into the relationship not ok.
Guilt is never a reason to stay with someone. It adds to the resentment of what is going on and playing out .. it only further destroys any good feelings that were left.
I hope you keep coming back and you find the answers you are seeking through your own work I found working with a sponsor, going to meetings and learning about why I do the things I do and what I can do to change those are the best ways to go.
Welcome back and hugs S :)