Today's reading is about how making amends isn't necessarily apologizing to other people, but more about figuring out our part in situations (especially those that don't go very well). What I have noticed is that since I have come to alanon I am very attracted to those who are accountable, and that's how I want to be. When I get the sense that someone is shirking away from accountability it is a gigantic and blaring red flag for me.
This reading goes on to examine the importance of making amends, in the case of the writer, to his/her father who was abusive and is now dead. As I read this I thought-- any time I have held onto resentments and have been unable to make amends I have hurt myself. The last sentence of the reading before the quote is what I will focus on when I am having difficulty making amends: "In this way, I make amends and improve my life one day at a time."
I hope everyone enjoys a peaceful and pleasant Sunday!
Mary
bettyk said
Oct 22, 2017
Good Morning Mary I know when I first realized that working the Steps required that I examine my part in situations, own them in order to make appropriate amends, I was astounded as I never thought that i had a "part" in any of the insanity. i had a bad habit of "automatically " saying I am sorry" and not meaning it.
I truly respect the wisdom of this program as they know what it takes to shed crippling guilt and shame. The program outlines the way to make amends and it i indeed powerful Examining my part, looking at my motives, stopping blaming others all helped me to accept my part in the insanity , own it and make amends by changing my behavior What a gift!!!
Thanks foryour service, I am sorry that our favorite baseball team is not on the way to the Series.
yanksfan51 said
Oct 22, 2017
Yes Betty-
we had some good games to watch. Now I root for the dodgers!
i wanted to add that I now am able to better see my OWN accountability in situations.... I can wave a red flag at myself when I i Am quick to analyze everyone else's part in situations
bettyk said
Oct 22, 2017
Agreed keeping the focus on myself helps me to witness my negative actions quickly. I too will cheer on the Dodgers.
Iamhere said
Oct 22, 2017
Good morning and thank you Mary for your service and the daily. Thank you both for your shares and ESH. When I first read the 12 Steps, making amends seemed very complicated. Of course, I glanced without working the ones before it and I was more insane than I wanted to admit.
As I progressed through the steps, I came to understand that we work these steps for self - improvement, growth, change. I feel grateful that we are given tools to look at self and grow spiritually while working to be the best version of us. No matter who, what, when, where is going on about me. I too can better see my part when I keep the focus on me, and I too shy away from others who struggle to take accountability and look to grow/improve.
I heard early on to 'hang with the winners' and I align with that. I am grateful that recovery has presented those who walk the walk and help me grow each day. Happy Sunday to all - we survived the storms and the sun in shining brightly! Off to my meeting in a while and will enjoy hanging with my 'tribe' today. Make it a great day!
mamakat71 said
Oct 22, 2017
Good morning!
Great share and like you I came here thinking I really wasn't at fault in many of the situations that were difficult to handle with the people close to me. But with working the steps I am seeing my part in all of the many difficult situations that I have been a part of. I have been making amends when and where I can and it does feel so good. I struggled at first with saying I was sorry to my ah because I thought I would be giving him permission to keep drinking, but I have come to find that he really does deserve to be treated fairly with love and dignity like everyone else. I have been able to learn better ways at handling myself when difficult situations arise between the ah and I. I have a long way to go still, but I am on my way! Hope everyone has a blessed Sunday.
Kat
Maresie25 said
Oct 22, 2017
Some of my amends to myself and to other people is to have better boundaries. With better boundaries I stop putting myself into the same situations.
In regards to resentments, sometimes resentments are useful they are a sign my boundaries are up for grabs. Now when I have a resentment it is a chance for me to review my boundaries.
I had really bad resentments against my former co workers at an insufferable job I worked at for five years. I have been looking at my part in it. I know now when I am around extremely manipulative people I get resentful.
So I don't feel necessarily I have to go and say sorry. I have to monitor how I feel and act on my best interest rather than act out.
My sorry is not dumping on them in ways I did before. Needless to say those same co workers are still extremely manipulative. Indeed I was thinking of going to speak to one of their partners recently who lives nearby. I had to decide not to. My former co worker is a whiz at manipulation and I knew I would be pulled into doing things for her I did not want to do. Any association is really difficult.
I now know in my life I have to tread carefully. There are certain people who are extremely difficult to be around. I grew up around really obnoxious people and was taught that was my lot. Now I go out of my way to avoid them. Indeed I am really really clear on what my limits are, how much I can "do" for others. That doesn't mean I am not compassionate, I am. But I no longer blow my entire schedule to help others.
I certainly help out and am kind but in terms of giving my entire life away that has gone out the window.
The first amends for me is always to myself. I used to think that was doing things to make up for the trouble I had had. Indeed it is putting in the effort to acquire new skills. It is also very carefully monitoring my environment. I no longer take on more than I can do for others. I am primarily taking care of myself.
Maresie.
Lyne said
Oct 22, 2017
Thank you Mary-I have found the process of making amends a very helpful and freeing experience. This includes making amends to myself as well as others. Recently I made amends to someone I realized I had hurt 40 years ago! She has recurring breast cancer and it made me realize that if I don't do this now, I may not get the chance. There is one more person I need to make amends to and I will give it thought as to how I want to proceed. It is someone who abused and traumatized me in my childhood and then for many years in a more "grown up" and passive aggressive way. My distance from this person hurts him, yet he is still really sick. But I can do my part as I think I am causing him pain. It's not want I want to do, but on the other hand Alanon has taught me to do what's best for me, and that's keeping a good distance most of the time. So making amends can be tricky business but still very important for personal health and growth, Lyne
mamalioness said
Oct 22, 2017
thank you yanksfan for your service....Oh yea Amends!!!
I apologized in the old day for existing...Always saying "sorry" and then wondering WHAT am I apologizing for when THEY bumped into me???? oh yea, the old pre-recovery days
and I love it that amends means being accountable for my mistakes, learning from them and yea, making amends if I RREALY hurt someone and if I did not??? working the steps on the issue and learning and growing from it.....
amends means, to me, change...or addition, or modification......CHANGE sometimes , often, the amends I need to make are to ME!! I am harder on me than anyone else......
Good morning everyone-
Today's reading is about how making amends isn't necessarily apologizing to other people, but more about figuring out our part in situations (especially those that don't go very well). What I have noticed is that since I have come to alanon I am very attracted to those who are accountable, and that's how I want to be. When I get the sense that someone is shirking away from accountability it is a gigantic and blaring red flag for me.
This reading goes on to examine the importance of making amends, in the case of the writer, to his/her father who was abusive and is now dead. As I read this I thought-- any time I have held onto resentments and have been unable to make amends I have hurt myself. The last sentence of the reading before the quote is what I will focus on when I am having difficulty making amends: "In this way, I make amends and improve my life one day at a time."
I hope everyone enjoys a peaceful and pleasant Sunday!
Mary
Good Morning Mary I know when I first realized that working the Steps required that I examine my part in situations, own them in order to make appropriate amends, I was astounded as I never thought that i had a "part" in any of the insanity. i had a bad habit of "automatically " saying I am sorry" and not meaning it.
I truly respect the wisdom of this program as they know what it takes to shed crippling guilt and shame. The program outlines the way to make amends and it i indeed powerful
Examining my part, looking at my motives, stopping blaming others all helped me to accept my part in the insanity , own it and make amends by changing my behavior What a gift!!!
Thanks foryour service, I am sorry that our favorite baseball team is not on the way to the Series.
Yes Betty-
we had some good games to watch. Now I root for the dodgers!
i wanted to add that I now am able to better see my OWN accountability in situations.... I can wave a red flag at myself when I i Am quick to analyze everyone else's part in situations
As I progressed through the steps, I came to understand that we work these steps for self - improvement, growth, change. I feel grateful that we are given tools to look at self and grow spiritually while working to be the best version of us. No matter who, what, when, where is going on about me. I too can better see my part when I keep the focus on me, and I too shy away from others who struggle to take accountability and look to grow/improve.
I heard early on to 'hang with the winners' and I align with that. I am grateful that recovery has presented those who walk the walk and help me grow each day. Happy Sunday to all - we survived the storms and the sun in shining brightly! Off to my meeting in a while and will enjoy hanging with my 'tribe' today. Make it a great day!
Good morning!
Great share and like you I came here thinking I really wasn't at fault in many of the situations that were difficult to handle with the people close to me. But with working the steps I am seeing my part in all of the many difficult situations that I have been a part of. I have been making amends when and where I can and it does feel so good. I struggled at first with saying I was sorry to my ah because I thought I would be giving him permission to keep drinking, but I have come to find that he really does deserve to be treated fairly with love and dignity like everyone else. I have been able to learn better ways at handling myself when difficult situations arise between the ah and I. I have a long way to go still, but I am on my way! Hope everyone has a blessed Sunday.
Kat
Some of my amends to myself and to other people is to have better boundaries. With better boundaries I stop putting myself into the same situations.
In regards to resentments, sometimes resentments are useful they are a sign my boundaries are up for grabs. Now when I have a resentment it is a chance for me to review my boundaries.
I had really bad resentments against my former co workers at an insufferable job I worked at for five years. I have been looking at my part in it. I know now when I am around extremely manipulative people I get resentful.
So I don't feel necessarily I have to go and say sorry. I have to monitor how I feel and act on my best interest rather than act out.
My sorry is not dumping on them in ways I did before. Needless to say those same co workers are still extremely manipulative. Indeed I was thinking of going to speak to one of their partners recently who lives nearby. I had to decide not to. My former co worker is a whiz at manipulation and I knew I would be pulled into doing things for her I did not want to do. Any association is really difficult.
I now know in my life I have to tread carefully. There are certain people who are extremely difficult to be around. I grew up around really obnoxious people and was taught that was my lot. Now I go out of my way to avoid them. Indeed I am really really clear on what my limits are, how much I can "do" for others. That doesn't mean I am not compassionate, I am. But I no longer blow my entire schedule to help others.
I certainly help out and am kind but in terms of giving my entire life away that has gone out the window.
The first amends for me is always to myself. I used to think that was doing things to make up for the trouble I had had. Indeed it is putting in the effort to acquire new skills. It is also very carefully monitoring my environment. I no longer take on more than I can do for others. I am primarily taking care of myself.
Maresie.
thank you yanksfan for your service....Oh yea Amends!!!
I apologized in the old day for existing...Always saying "sorry" and then wondering WHAT am I apologizing for when THEY bumped into me???? oh yea, the old pre-recovery days
and I love it that amends means being accountable for my mistakes, learning from them and yea, making amends if I RREALY hurt someone and if I did not??? working the steps on the issue and learning and growing from it.....
amends means, to me, change...or addition, or modification......CHANGE sometimes , often, the amends I need to make are to ME!! I am harder on me than anyone else......
thank you again for your share...........