OK I'm not sure if it's sleep deprivation, my swollen painful gums or feelings I'm working through. Likely, it's some of each. I had an interview today. My education is recent - not very but relatively recent. It's rare that I have run into an opportunity that encompasses what I studied and with the same concentration. I'd all but given up on getting a foot in the door. I'm working at something unrelated these days but whenever possuble use my education to build something into my jobs reflective of what I studied. My supervisors have given me a bit of latitude in this respect. The outcomes have been positive. 

So this morning at my interview, I felt a bit awestruck sitting across the table from people who were "living the dream."  The highest ranking in the group informed me that I was one of four being interviewed for the position. I'd like to tell you that I'm good with the Alanon idea "rejection is god's protection," but I'm really feeling due for some good luck, am tired of being rejected for jobs and hoping this might be the "god has a plan for you and it's better than you ever could have imagined," thing. I gave up on imagining this to become a reality about four years ago when a similiar opportunity presented itself. I actually rejected that one at my workplace because I knew the supervisor was a very unhealthy person who would have been a bear to work for. This possible job doesn't appear to have apparent red flags but who knows. It is a new job which would be an advantage because I might be able to organize my work using some best practices. The team members seem to be reasonable people. The goals are life affirming and long ranging and I was told the opportunities for me could pretty much be limitless. 

It's been hard to own my worth and keep a dream alive without finally throwing in the towel and just saying to myself.. well, this is how it is, the world isn't always fair, figure out you're going to do with the rest of your life now. I've made some ambitious efforts that have been shot down in the past. I wasn't sorry for doing so just felt woken up from the naivety that if you work hard, well... you naturally get what you worked for. You know, a teenager's idealism  But what happens if I allow myself to become so jaded by cynicism?  That's so frightening to me, the whole concept of giving up hope. What are the facts?  Well.. the facts are that I've done some amazing things I would never have thought possible thanks to keeping this program close and my hp. I have a long list of people who believed in me and helped me to believe in myself and could get through to the other side to have a happy, joyous and free life. So, why would it be impossible to believe that this team, this opportunity might not open to me as the next thing on my path? I have proof good things can happen to me - awesome things. I'm worth it. I know I'll be ok either way but it would be nice and only if it's right for me if it could work out. It would be nice because unlike past jobs I wouldn't have that feeling that I'm hooking onto someone else's star. This is my star. Thanks for letting me share with you, vent, process, ignore my aching tooth lol.  ((hugs))) TT 

The economy is a lot better but for the really good jobs the competition is fierce.   They interview a lot and keep on interviewing.

I know it is very very hard to be in that process but at least your hat is in the ring.

The whole competition thing is a big trigger for me.  As a child I competed to survive.

That is why I always feel like I am going to lose.

I am glad you are putting yourself out there that takes a lot of courage.

Maresie. 

I think it is really good that you know in the previous opportunity the supervisor would have been very very difficult.  What scares me about looking for opportunities is just that.

A year ago I took a job that seemed good.  Pretty much as soon as I got there I got wind that the whole group was dysfunctional.  In fact the supervisor was removed because he made a racist remark.

The other coworkers were very very difficult to deal with on many levels.  In addition the commute was too much and too difficult.

So I  have reason to fear.

Recently in the job I took to replace that one, they cut my hours. Normally that kind of action would send me to a stratosphere of "why me's".

in Al anon I have been working on not reacting. So when the new scheduler texted me and told me that my hours had been reduced I said oh yeah I noticed!!!!

Normally I would ask for those hours to be restored.  Instead I had another job on the back burner so I just stepped the hours on that one up.

I used to believe that making a fuss was the way to have power.  Instead sometimes simply not reacting is a way to have a lot more power.

Getting a new job is a calculated risk, it may not be the way it appears. In general they tend to pull out all the stops at an interview.

At my previous job I was promised a raise after a certain amount of time.  When it didn't materialise I said well I will have to leave.

I didn't have another job on the back burner then!!!!

I did leave in time.  I tried to leave with a lot of dignity and without too much drama.

I think that is one of the things that is essential to getting a new job to be aware this might not work out but it is worth the risk.

I stayed at a lot of jobs for a long time enduring real dysfunction because I became so enmeshed in how I felt about where I was working.

Being able to detach could have made it lot easier to leave and most of all to leave on my terms.

I hope this job works out for you.  If it doesn't I am sure it will be a learning experience rather than a failure.

Maresie. 

Thanks (((everyone))) for your encouragement, insights and support. Iamhere, thank you for that remedy. I did give it a try and I think it did help. Finally, my mouth is healed after six days. 

I didn't get the job. I got the rejection this morning. Thankfully, it was only minutes from my f2f Alanon meeting. I chose to have a one to one meeting within my meeting because I felt really raw emotionally. It does hurt but all I can do is accept it. Despite my miserable gum pain, I had a few days of hope that all that academic work and on the job experience was finally paying off, that this was going to be my moment. It just wasn't meant to be guys and hand wringing, replaying the interview, wondering if there was anything I could have done differently won't change what is. I know from experience that the best candidate doesn't always get the job. Many times the rationale for why one person gets the job over another is beyond a job seeker's available information. I remember seeing internal candidates with limited skill sets given jobs that others in the company were much more qualified for. So this is where QTIP "quit taking it personally" is a very helpful tool. And of course with any job ad on a page, there is so much more beyond those duties... "other duties as assigned." A few red flags were being asked how I handle angry people, personal stress, high pressure competing priorities. I wondered how these things would come into play given the duties of the job. As the interview continued and I asked more probing questions, I realized they had combined more than one role. One sentence in the job ad didn't represent a single task, it actually would encompass a major portion of my day to day responsibilities. It was a concern to me but I dismissed it as something I could handle. I wanted to be able to handle it because I had decided in my mind I wanted so much be a contributor to the larger agenda. I don't know if ultimately I dodged a bullet when receiving this rejection email this morning or it would have been the greatest opportunity ever. I just know that right now it feels like someone gave me a birthday balloon (just an analogy not my birthday) and I was walking along and someone stuck a pin in it. LOL  I'll be ok, I'll work through the feelings. Today is an Easy Does It Day for me. My meeting, a nice walk with an Alanon friend and now here with you.

I do have some seasonal work coming in a few weeks and am looking forward to it. I get to see people who do this every year and it's not the worst thing. I know that the job I didn't get represents more of who I was when I first earned my education. Since I didn't land that work when I graduated, I've carved out a rather creative path for myself and worn a lot of hats. The job rejection I received today was for a position that would have allowed me to be a part of possibly a cutting edge breakthrough, world altering and prestigious. So now I'm left with "It's an honor just to be nominated." That's ok, it is I suppose. My life is good and has been for many years because of living the alanon way. There's something else out there for me that hp will guide me to. So I'll just take being selected to interview was just a little confidence nudge by hp to get me ready for something better for me.

Thanks for letting me share. TT

Sorry you did not get the job

Have you ever been around medical residents who go look for their first jobs.  They go on lots of interviews. The process is very competitive and usually irs one person who getd to decide 

None of them ever seemed to think that thet were not going to secure a valuable opportunity.  Disappointment for some of us is difficult. For me it is all.about how I was streamed. My parents expected my elder sister to suceed. Everyone else was just an audience for her. Thst was and still is the receipe for my entore family.  I no longer accept that receipe for living. Thry get:I don't. 

Whatever I do, where ever I am.  I have suceeded because I survived.  I aim to survive some othet situations eventually but right now I am the only person who gets to validate me. 

When a job used to change for me, I went lhrough agonies about my self worth, what was fair, and what wasn't. 

I know where I learned that script.    These days that script isnt actove in my life but I also know I have to carve out big self care strategies to go through the pace of interviewing. 

Some people get and inherit that place of feeling they deserve better  Some of us have to transforn our scripts to get there. 

Whether we get the job or not, we suceed because that resolve will take you to a lot of good places. 

Maresie 

Thank you ((iamhere))) I've grown very use to rejection  so maybe that's why it's become a little easier to get to that place of acceptance. Yes, (((maresie)) it's is highly competitive out there. I did send the HR manager a very short email expressing continued interest if the new hire doesn't work out. This is progress from the old days of feeling resentment and anger. Listen... these people would be lucky to get me. I know this. But with that said, only one person can sit in the seat and I really don't know how that decision was made. Maybe they didn't like me at all, maybe I was the next choice. I have no way of knowing but rather than assume they thought me "unworthy" I am worth it ... instead of sulking, it's a program step in the right direction for me to mildly pursue them with one simple email in spite of the rejection as I continue seeking other opportunities. She emailed me back right away and told me she would let the team know. Thanks again for your responses ((iamhere))) ((mamalioness)) ((maresie)).  TT

I know too that often companies make some strange choices. 

Companies that are in growth mode often call people theu have interviewed. 

Finding a great job is a long marathon. 

For me getting the apartment I have was a marathon.  At a ceetain point I decided whatever it takes. 

I dont have the great job in my.skill.set.  

I.did have a job.where I really liked the supervisor 

He left the job changed dramatically.  Normally I.would be in a spiral over.that. 

I.am looking around.but not in.full.blast.mode. 

Good luck.with your search.  I.hope there are other opportunities. November December are slower months 

Keep at it.for the long.haul. 

maresie