So last night I got several drunk texts, and a few drunk calls. All of him sobbing his eyes out. It was so hard to sit and listen to that. I eventually muted him. The last thing he texted me was "Come tomorrow and get cats, I am going into a facility."
Now since he has done this several times in the past, I didn't react right away. I waited. Then while I was at work, he texted me, "Come get them tonight, I am going tonight." So this time I contacted his sister to see if this was "for real." I guess it was. His mother was over at the house packing him up... he was going to stay overnight at their house, and go into the facility this morning.
Later today I got a text from SIL that the facility refused my AH b/c of his CPAP machine. They didn't want to accept the liability. Because he was so ill (detoxing), the advised checking into a hospital. So his family helped him call his MediCal doctor, and got him in. I don't have any more information than that. I feel like this was his last option, and they are just dooming him to fail!
The last time he was in the hospital, he checked himself out. So he may not stay. At least I got my cats out of that house.
What I am dealing with now, is just a numbness in me. I feel like I SHOULD go to see him ( I am his wife, after all), but I want to keep "radio silence" as it were. I don't want to hear the sob story... the denial... the excuses. And I am feeling like a bad person.
At the same time, I am questioning why I am even filing for Legal Separation... why don't I just divorce? What am I trying to hold onto? My head knows there is no future there. My head also knows that this disease has changed the person I married... he is no longer that person... and I've known that for quite a few years now... I just didn't want to admit it.
I am going Friday to finalize the paperwork and I am currently struggling with constant thoughts of what others will think of me... the whole "Kick a man when he is down," scenario.
I have been using my tools... reading... but I still feel so conflicted. Any ESH would be appreciated, thank you!
mamalioness said
Oct 17, 2017
Why do we feel guilty when we take care of ourselves??? I can relate to your post, big time...I take care of me, and its the RIGHT thing to do, yet I still feel some guilt, much better now then in the past, and I do self talk...WHO caused this?? WHO got himself into this??? WHAT about MY rights to peace and serenity?? WHY is it not OK for me to take care of me, even if it means leaving behind someone who doesn't want to get better as of yet??? and yea, its hard to completely let go because we feel like we "invested" in this person and to toss up our hands and completely let go, we think "FAILURE" well??? I fail ME if I don't let go..and let go all the way...Its like getting a bad, infected tooth pulled..It hurts at first, but then, you notice the absence of headaches and the pain when chewing (I never had an infected one, but I did by grinding my teeth break one and had to have it pulled) yea, your sitting there with this hole in your mouth, but then it begins to heal and you notice NO PAIN....I feel OK....and the tissue grows around that hole.........i hope this analogy did'nt suck too badly, I'm tired and need to go to bed...but yea, When I am working my program, I feel less guilt about taking righteous care of myself....there is a big difference between healthy self care and being selfish/self centered...You gave this marriage your best shot...He was the one who blew it...Not you.....Just saying.....sending support to you and peace hugs...
SerenityRUS said
Oct 17, 2017
Oh girlie ... I can tell you a legal separation is no different than a divorce except if you decide to divorce you pay out the same amount of money again .. unless you are able to file on your own and I do not know the complications of going from a legal separation to a divorce .. it might be something that could be handled with a paralegal IF you can get a mutual agreement. MINE was not that easy .. in fact I was reflecting on the fact that I got divorced on 10/15 and had to do it again on 1/9 the next year because things were not done.
I don't think you are going to get alimony if he's not working. That's a hard reality. You can't get blood from a turnip if he agreed to the amount then yes you could get it however if he can't pay it then what's the point. Trying to collect is misery. Trust me still dealing with that at the moment. Talk to an attorney I am not an attorney so what do I know. My advice is what you pay .. nothing.
As far as seeing him or don't see him .. I think that for me when I had those moments I dug deep for my motives and looked at what I was getting out of it. Maintaining radio silence for me was the right answer .. it did force a few issues that no one else had seen and once the crazy came out in my XAH's case people said holy crap .. this is what you have been living with? I will also tell you that I did do the hospital thing when my X was involved in a car accident and for me it didn't go well .. I saw what I wanted to see .. that he wanted to get help .. I did not see that his ass was on fire and he was trying to get out of the consequences of the actions that had taken him to the edge.
I am so sorry that the system sucks .. it kills me that people can't get in when they need to get into a facility. My opinion is that these places should have a staff that can do detox .. getting people in that moment is their best chance at finding sobriety or at least planting the seeds of it. My heart aches for him that he's at this place and can't make the jump because of circumstances. I really pray he gets the help he deserves and needs. What are YOU going to do to take care of you? I hear a lot of vulnerability, survivors guilt even as well as pity. Don't mistake that for the pit of potential if only .. if only he could and would get sober and stick with it.
Big hugs and keep doing what you are doing .. I know this is hard stuff .. living life on life's terms is not an easy thing to do because it means hard decisions that can mean someone else's pain in order to find your own happiness. The question comes down to what do you want and checking motives. I keep my motives clean my behavior tells me exactly the next right thing to do.
S :)
Maresie said
Oct 18, 2017
Well.at least he is detoxing
When I was with the ex A I had not one but two life threatening illnesses. He told me over and over how inconvenient they were for him. I was hospitalized with one of them for 5 days. The other one I was hospitalized for one day.
When he eventually became ill I was really nice to him. After we separated. I spent more than a few months supporting him financially because he was ill. Eventially I had to take all our pets on because he refused to take care of them
It took a lot for me to set boundaries with him. The pets were one reason I did. They really were affected by all that upheaval.
I spent a great deal of time beating myself up.
Why didnt I do this, why stay, why didnt I find a better way to leave. It went on and on. I was extremely concerned about him for a long time. The better my boundaries were the better I felt.
I felt absolutely responsible for his heakth problems. Clearly he didnt feel the same about mine
Maresie
Iamhere said
Oct 18, 2017
(((PnP))) - When there is chaos in my life, that's when I really 'need' to do what I can to quiet my racing thoughts and my mind. I am far from unique, yet I know I don't often think like normal folks, especially with my first set of thoughts. I have a list with me always with our slogans and Easy Does It, First Things First, Keep It Simple and When in Doubt, Don't are my go to in the 'heat' of the drama.
It is really, really easy for me to overthink and complicate everything when I am raw. This program gifted me with a higher power of my understanding and I practice conscious contact every day so when chaos rises up, I feel less alone. The program has gifted me with fellowship, support, steps, prayer, meditation and more - I just struggle to 'go there first' and have to decide to go there.
Taking care of self for me is not natural or automatic. Like many other things, I have to practice it. I am so grateful for a sponsor who can tell me if my self-care is selfish or healthy. She can help me look at my motives and ensure my action is pure. Each time my guy(s) were in treatment or jail, I waited to be asked to visit. I learned this as a result of showing up, getting rejected and taking it personally. In early AA recovery, it's recommended to try to avoid slippery situations - don't go where there will be temptations to use. I've borrowed this often in Al-Anon and will avoid situations that may affect my serenity/sanity unless or until I am spiritually fit.
Ironically, what ends up happening with me when chaos happens, I have to go B2B - Back to Basics. This takes me back to Step 1 - where I'm reminded how powerless I am over people, places and things. I check on my own sanity using Step 2 and check in with my HP on Step 3. Mini Step 4s help me consider my motives and my actions and things often become more clear.
I love that the program tells me I don't have to do/decide/act today. I can heal/deal in my time with HP and that's OK. Self-care is always a great choice and feeling more comfortable with this as action gets better with practice. Sending you tons of (((hugs))), positive thoughts and prayers!
Maresie25 said
Oct 18, 2017
The other thing I would say is that "crying" for some seems to be part of the alcoholism. It is one of the reasons they fuel their decision to drink.
Indeed in the program in San Francisco, they talk about the "sorry alcoholic".
That doesn't mean they don't deserve sympathy and empathy.
The ex A who I was involved with did get very very very ill.
However despite his two life threatening illnesses he did not stop using.
In fact he chooses to absolutely surround himself with alcohol.
I no longer enter into the discussion of whether I should or could help him.
I know absolutely when I was suffering he did not have a shred of empathy or compassion for me.
I am no longer in the business of giving till I have nothing left to give. I would like reciprocity.
As of yet I don't think I have had it in many relationships
So last night I got several drunk texts, and a few drunk calls. All of him sobbing his eyes out. It was so hard to sit and listen to that. I eventually muted him. The last thing he texted me was "Come tomorrow and get cats, I am going into a facility."
Now since he has done this several times in the past, I didn't react right away. I waited. Then while I was at work, he texted me, "Come get them tonight, I am going tonight." So this time I contacted his sister to see if this was "for real." I guess it was. His mother was over at the house packing him up... he was going to stay overnight at their house, and go into the facility this morning.
Later today I got a text from SIL that the facility refused my AH b/c of his CPAP machine. They didn't want to accept the liability. Because he was so ill (detoxing), the advised checking into a hospital. So his family helped him call his MediCal doctor, and got him in. I don't have any more information than that. I feel like this was his last option, and they are just dooming him to fail!
The last time he was in the hospital, he checked himself out. So he may not stay. At least I got my cats out of that house.
What I am dealing with now, is just a numbness in me. I feel like I SHOULD go to see him ( I am his wife, after all), but I want to keep "radio silence" as it were. I don't want to hear the sob story... the denial... the excuses. And I am feeling like a bad person.
At the same time, I am questioning why I am even filing for Legal Separation... why don't I just divorce? What am I trying to hold onto? My head knows there is no future there. My head also knows that this disease has changed the person I married... he is no longer that person... and I've known that for quite a few years now... I just didn't want to admit it.
I am going Friday to finalize the paperwork and I am currently struggling with constant thoughts of what others will think of me... the whole "Kick a man when he is down," scenario.
I have been using my tools... reading... but I still feel so conflicted. Any ESH would be appreciated, thank you!
I don't think you are going to get alimony if he's not working. That's a hard reality. You can't get blood from a turnip if he agreed to the amount then yes you could get it however if he can't pay it then what's the point. Trying to collect is misery. Trust me still dealing with that at the moment. Talk to an attorney I am not an attorney so what do I know. My advice is what you pay .. nothing.
As far as seeing him or don't see him .. I think that for me when I had those moments I dug deep for my motives and looked at what I was getting out of it. Maintaining radio silence for me was the right answer .. it did force a few issues that no one else had seen and once the crazy came out in my XAH's case people said holy crap .. this is what you have been living with? I will also tell you that I did do the hospital thing when my X was involved in a car accident and for me it didn't go well .. I saw what I wanted to see .. that he wanted to get help .. I did not see that his ass was on fire and he was trying to get out of the consequences of the actions that had taken him to the edge.
I am so sorry that the system sucks .. it kills me that people can't get in when they need to get into a facility. My opinion is that these places should have a staff that can do detox .. getting people in that moment is their best chance at finding sobriety or at least planting the seeds of it. My heart aches for him that he's at this place and can't make the jump because of circumstances. I really pray he gets the help he deserves and needs. What are YOU going to do to take care of you? I hear a lot of vulnerability, survivors guilt even as well as pity. Don't mistake that for the pit of potential if only .. if only he could and would get sober and stick with it.
Big hugs and keep doing what you are doing .. I know this is hard stuff .. living life on life's terms is not an easy thing to do because it means hard decisions that can mean someone else's pain in order to find your own happiness. The question comes down to what do you want and checking motives. I keep my motives clean my behavior tells me exactly the next right thing to do.
S :)
Well.at least he is detoxing
When I was with the ex A I had not one but two life threatening illnesses. He told me over and over how inconvenient they were for him. I was hospitalized with one of them for 5 days. The other one I was hospitalized for one day.
When he eventually became ill I was really nice to him. After we separated. I spent more than a few months supporting him financially because he was ill. Eventially I had to take all our pets on because he refused to take care of them
It took a lot for me to set boundaries with him. The pets were one reason I did. They really were affected by all that upheaval.
I spent a great deal of time beating myself up.
Why didnt I do this, why stay, why didnt I find a better way to leave. It went on and on. I was extremely concerned about him for a long time. The better my boundaries were the better I felt.
I felt absolutely responsible for his heakth problems. Clearly he didnt feel the same about mine
Maresie
It is really, really easy for me to overthink and complicate everything when I am raw. This program gifted me with a higher power of my understanding and I practice conscious contact every day so when chaos rises up, I feel less alone. The program has gifted me with fellowship, support, steps, prayer, meditation and more - I just struggle to 'go there first' and have to decide to go there.
Taking care of self for me is not natural or automatic. Like many other things, I have to practice it. I am so grateful for a sponsor who can tell me if my self-care is selfish or healthy. She can help me look at my motives and ensure my action is pure. Each time my guy(s) were in treatment or jail, I waited to be asked to visit. I learned this as a result of showing up, getting rejected and taking it personally. In early AA recovery, it's recommended to try to avoid slippery situations - don't go where there will be temptations to use. I've borrowed this often in Al-Anon and will avoid situations that may affect my serenity/sanity unless or until I am spiritually fit.
Ironically, what ends up happening with me when chaos happens, I have to go B2B - Back to Basics. This takes me back to Step 1 - where I'm reminded how powerless I am over people, places and things. I check on my own sanity using Step 2 and check in with my HP on Step 3. Mini Step 4s help me consider my motives and my actions and things often become more clear.
I love that the program tells me I don't have to do/decide/act today. I can heal/deal in my time with HP and that's OK. Self-care is always a great choice and feeling more comfortable with this as action gets better with practice. Sending you tons of (((hugs))), positive thoughts and prayers!
The other thing I would say is that "crying" for some seems to be part of the alcoholism. It is one of the reasons they fuel their decision to drink.
Indeed in the program in San Francisco, they talk about the "sorry alcoholic".
That doesn't mean they don't deserve sympathy and empathy.
The ex A who I was involved with did get very very very ill.
However despite his two life threatening illnesses he did not stop using.
In fact he chooses to absolutely surround himself with alcohol.
I no longer enter into the discussion of whether I should or could help him.
I know absolutely when I was suffering he did not have a shred of empathy or compassion for me.
I am no longer in the business of giving till I have nothing left to give. I would like reciprocity.
As of yet I don't think I have had it in many relationships
Maresie.