I have to apologize for not being around things have been really blowing up and in some ways that's a good thing and in others .. it means I have come to a new realization in my own behavior which .. ugh .. seriously .. so not ok because I don't want to deal with this garbage from time to time.  I had a big dawning that I need to step up my own program work to deal with some old demons of my own.  Please read this with the fact that much is my sardonic sense of humor and wild story telling.  I will say 100% true and my emotional responses are all totally there .. it would be awful if I was ever arrested on the basis of someone believing I murdered anyone because I would be convicted based upon my responses and there would be no forensic evidence. 

My XAH has out of the blue contacted me wanting to know two things .. two sentences .. why my daughter went to the ER in an ambulance and what number he could reach "my" kids at.  Oh that did set me off Friday afternoon .. LOL .. and I waited until Sat morning before coffee to respond .. honestly sometimes that is where I do my best work .. where I don't over think and I'm not caffeine stimulated, honestly it was a really good note.  I won't hear from him.  LOL .. I mentioned money. 

My daughter has been showing her butt and it needed to be spanked and it was .. she got a hard true live lesson on her mother doesn't suffer fools.  What my observation has been is that she's stretching her wings which is great however she doesn't pay my bills so therefore she doesn't dictate my time. 

First off she's decided as a punishment for me she's going to have a relationship with her dad.  I think as an adult it's time .. I worry about her mental health as well as her anxiety, one thing I have learned in this week .. she's gotta figure it out.  I'm not cleaning up the pieces.  I let her know my fears .. I let her know I am totally here for her .. however I also let her know her relationship and whatever becomes of it is between her and her dad.  She needs to find a therapist and/OR attend alanon to pick up the pieces .. that's no longer part of my parenting role.  I got a lecture from her after I left work early to drive over an hour away to bring her things she needed to get a job (she's on a work study at school she's got 60 days left and has not done anything in terms of volunteer or working to be paid since she started school).  I was informed that where I parked was an inconvenience for her.  It was 3 min where we were suppose to meet.  I had already been where we normally meet for 20 min and I paid for an hours worth of parking after driving over an hour to get there .. if I'm sounding like I'm not impressed .. oh lord have mercy .. the fact my daughter is above ground and I did not become satan's spawn and release my destructive powers is a testament to the Alanon program.  She started to back track when she realized this was not going to go as she planned especially after informing that she would come home IF the boy she's currently seeing could come stay the night.  Our house rules are no boys spending the night, what she does at college is her business .. I am still raising a 13 year old boy.  My response was ok, I guess you won't be coming home this weekend. She hasn't been home for 2 weeks now because we did get into a nasty fight about her not having a job and her informing me she's wanting to move out of the dorms with her current boyfriend (I have mentioned I think he's a troll and I do not like him?  I'm sure he's a nice boy however she's doing nothing to help him win points).  After all not living in a dorm is so much cheaper when you don't have a JOB!  LOL!  Oh to be that young and dumb, unless he's paying then I say go for it.  I was then informed that she's going to spend the night at his families house for 2 nights during the holidays so she's not coming home for Thanksgiving.  I again responded with ok.  We won't be home as we will be with my bf's parents like we did last year.  I had a very shocked look to that one.  So I'm not going to be there to tote her around.   I was breathing in and out surpassing my inner demon and doing well at this point until I heard she's going to have to drop a class .. her scholarship is a 4 year program.  I truly want people to understand that the me even 4 years ago would have eaten her young and probably eaten the boyfriend for show and gone to the parents with what was left over and told them exactly I thought of their child .. none of it would be good .. the me today .. responded by just stating hmm .. ok .. what's your plan?  To which I was informed this is ALL her anxiety (that she's currently on meds for) and she wakes up thinking about the fact she might loose her college opportunity .. ya think?  I did take the opportunity to point out that if she addressed this issue her anxiety would lesson .. so what's her plan.  All I was hearing was excuses .. and trust me I get that anxiety is real .. I have seen it .. I also know some anxiety is self induced and this she is not getting a pass on .. want to adult .. get your butt adulting and stop making excuses.  It's not my life choices and Lord help that girl if she tries to throw this back on me because seriously I'm thinking I'm rubber your glue child .. not my stuff .. suck it up and deal.   

40 min after I made this trek .. I looked at her as she was staring at her phone and said .. gotta go.  She was shocked .. what do you mean?  Well . I paid for an hour of parking I have 3 min to move my car without a ticket.  The whole point of me coming out early was so we could visit and I wouldn't be "inconvenienced" by traffic so I could get home and fix the other people in my life dinner since she already eats courtesy of her college.  I was still taking slow deep breaths at this point .. lol.  Again .. suppressing my inner momster thinking .. oh girl I brought you in to this world .. I can so take you out and it would be justifiable based upon if the judge was a parent of a teen.  I did set her straight on a few things .. first off let's be very clear about who was inconvenienced by the fact she hasn't come home because she's hiding from dealing with me about the job issue.  She disrespected me by disrespecting my time.  I came out because I was excited to see her and I miss her.  (I left out the part that she was expecting me .. I text her and finally had to call her to which her response was oh we were watching a movie I haven't had my phone (after I sat for 20 min).  At that point I let her know no boyfriend .. she actually asked me if him spending the night it would be great to get to know him .. my thought was hmm .. before or after I poison him with an apple.  I swear if I saw one kinky curly hair on that boy and he would have an early funeral by the time I am done)).  So the fact I wasn't breathing fire on others is a miracle.  So she did apologize and started to babble I cut her off .. I let her know I heard her and this wasn't about making her feel worse this is about when I except that when she knows I am coming she suit up and show up and do not be late again because next time I won't stick around.  She will wait until it's a better time for ME to come up not for her.  I only did this because I know she has to have a job and I want her to have a job.  I also decided in that moment .. I won't be asking the next time she's coming home .. she will have to let me know and IF I have time I will come and get her.  One of the reasons she's saying she won't come home is because I have already made plans with my youngest and we will be out shooting pool .. we had already planned that last weekend.   

I gave her a hug told her I loved her and she said she would call me or text to let me know how the job went.  I let her know that would be nice and I look forward to hearing from her and wish her luck on the job stuff.  As I was leaving says oh I text dad and he's sending a college care package .. LOL .. ok .. hope there is a check because girlfriend NEEDS it .. LOL.  She says well no .. it's food .. girl eats better than any of us at this point.  Well I said ok did you discuss your health stuff because I didn't share any of that with her dad .. that's her information.  So she says well .. it was a short text conversation and we didn't get that far .. so I said hmm .. ok.  What that translates to is we had a very superficial conversation and nothing of value was actually said.  She then informed me she needs a PO Box .. I said .. we live 30 min from the college her dad can send her stuff there .. umm .. no .. she got very shocked and said well .. I just thought it would upset you .. pretty much I just told her your relationship with your dad is none of my business, he can send you whatever to the house.  I am NOT paying for a way for him to send you things and since you don't have an income then you need to make due.  She did a lot of oh'ing during this entire visit.  I seriously do not think anything went according to plan for her.  There was something she said to me a week ago that was about her dad and how she knows how to manipulate people .. I thought to myself .. good to know and that is part of why I am responding the way I am.  I do not suffer fools and it is extremely foolish to try this game with me.  Be honest or GTFO .. she knows me to well to go down this road.   

As I am leaving she's reiterating she's not coming home until the last weekend of Oct .. my response .. ok.  Well apparently according to her I have weird rules .. LOL .. I said sorry you feel that way .. however ok.   At this point she's starting to look a little scared because I think it's dawning on her that I'm not going to fight with her.  These are her choices .. I am HORRIBLY disappointed, I am broken hearted for her because I see the trap that all codies fall into .. which is sacrificing her dreams and goals for a relationship .. this is why she's failing this course.  She has seen what I have been through and while I am very well read I do not have the education to go with the knowledge and I want so much more and so much different for her .. unless she takes a big stumble I'm watching something play out that is very predestined .. I bet her boyfriend is NOT dropping any classes because he's failing them.  HE has a job.  So he's living his life making plans and goals and she's just throwing her opportunity out the window.  I'm not going to do clean up.  One thing I have learned over the years is I have to know when to let go and right now it is complete let go.  I just pray she gets her wings and takes flight instead of crashing.  It's a little scary at the moment.

The XAH .. I won't spend a LOT of time on him .. I handed his hind end back to him on a platter .. I sent a very good alanon based note all facts no emotions mine was a tad longer 8 lines to his 2.  I ran it by 2 alanon friends as well as some non alanon folks to see what they thought .. funny thing .. the men were uncomfortable .. which I found interesting and the women who were alanon were very supportive.  I sent my daughter my reply so she knows what I have asked him and made statements about, I did not hear from her so I KNOW she knows based upon my responses to her and my responses to her dad .. I'm not impressed with either of them at the moment.  She's looking for validation from her dad and I hope she gets it however someone who can't give themselves that .. idk .. I doubt they know how to give it. 

The one thing this recent experience has taught me is really stepping back from the parenting role and not taking it personally .. I don't tolerate that kind of crap from my friends there is no way I'm going to take it from my kid/s.  That's a difference I think in boundaries.  I love my kid, part of my respecting her is letting her figure it out .. now that she's an adult it is not going to do her any favors to give her a soft space to land.  So life will have to provide the lessons and again I fully support her .. however every class she drops from now until the time she graduates .. she will have to finance it on her own.  I won't pay for it.  Ohhh she realized she will have to take summer classes .. so guess what .. she will be taking the bus and she will also be working full time this summer to over the gap costs for herself. 

Should be interesting and there are only 60 days left of this semester.  On a funny note I called my bf who is a terrible girlfriend .. LOL .. great boyfriend .. awful girlfriend .. however based upon the story I was relaying became a great girlfriend in the moment.  I had to totally laugh.  Says to me, .. just so we are clear .. you are mad at HER boyfriend .. I did nothing wrong and neither did the boy.  I'm not really mad at her boyfriend the troll .. I am irritated that she is valuing herself so little at the moment.  I really thought and I tried to teach her better than I learned. 

I am sooo glad for Alanon because I soooo would have been arrested if I didn't have program .. sigh .. the plight of being a mother who happens to be the Spawn of Satan. 

S :)

Great share.  I am seeing so much of these behaviors in a few of my adult and almost adult kid.  Being able to set the boundaries as you describe is a must, but not always easy.  I picked up a lot of good pointers from your post.  Sending you positive vibes. 

food for thought .. but well ? hmm now ya got me wondering .. if a spawn of satan .. would be able or likely to even be able to develop (healthier) boundaries .. hmm just sayin .. light-hearted small al-grin ..

i appreciate this line an needed to read it: it's like he doesn't get the answer he wants to hear and so he starts again. (this is what i do to god .. pray over and over . if i don't get the right answer, i just 'never stop .. beginning to wonder about this in me now myself) .. Suppose god doesn't have a hearing problem and we probably only need to ask once .. instead of wash rinse repeat .. maybe that's not actually accepting 'his will (yes or no) .. though sometimes the answer wait or not now as in yet comes in .. still gonna let that simmer ..

as they say in al meets .. practice makes progress .. i like the simplicity of betty's message up there of keep on keeping on

Iamhere wrote:

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(((Serenity))) - I can so relate and applaud your program application and restraint....we talk often in the other side of this program that we must practice restraint of pen and tongue. Easy to say and consider, much harder to do.

My boys acted the fool a week and a half ago, and neither has the courage to discuss. I've been on a 'detox' ever since and what you started with has been my goal - stepping up my program efforts. I too have considered a text, an email, a call - and have backed off. In the meanwhile, the disease has raised up with my mother and that's been distracting. My sponsor suggested I was angry with my mother and I'm processing that now.

I don't see it but I don't really know. Her parenting style was expecting perfection and being indifferent to me as a 'rebel'. I believe I am more like her than desired and am indifferent to her.

What I do know is you (and I) did parent right/good/well. What they do with it as they grow up is not a reflection on us. This too will pass and then there will be another boy friend....lolol! (((Hugs))) sweetie - sending positive thoughts and prayers your way!

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IAM .. I was reflecting on what you shared and I find it interesting in terms of one therapist said to me and I believe I was like 14/15 at the time and to be clear a major little sh@!thead.  That is a TRUE story .. LOL.  By that point I had been in and out of so much therapy because my mother qualified ME as the problem not her.  It was never her.  LOL.  I can't remember the name of this Dr.and I refused to talk to him .. one thing he shared was the story about the two kings and them walking towards each other, ..  I think if I remember correctly.  While they were both opposite of each other because they didn't want to be like either king .. there was obviously more to the story .. it's been a while and I slept since then .. a few times .. anyway the point of the story was not to be like either of the kings and find out who I wanted to be .. my true authentic self.   I see that now, however it is so surreal for lack of a better term to have the awareness of who do I want to be and I was having the discussion with someone today about going back to the hurt little girl every time I got around my mother/father.  (especially in times of crisis mode for me perceived or real threats) I think that is a natural role to go to .. unfortunately for me that means I go back to a very hurt angry little girl and that's part of what I am addressing currently as I work through this new phase with my daughter.  Maybe you are angry, maybe you aren't angry with your mom and that was something that I have come to an awareness of is how angry I was at myself for a number of different reasons.  I wish my mother was mature or aware of the fact my anger some of it was about her .. there was so much self loathing in my case that it came out towards her and had nothing to do with her.  I wish she could have taken my outbursts with it being less personal and less about control.  Things would have been a lot easier for me and for her.  Anyway .. random thoughts .. LOL .. it just struck me with some of what you said AND when children are showing their butts .. my statement is you cover your butt or I will do it for you. 

Hugs S :)