Good Morning all. I'm new here and looking for some guidance/help. I'm from a family of alcoholics, a friend of alcoholics, and my husband and I are most likely alcoholics. I've lost a brother to alcohol and now feel like I am ready to lose another. My only surviving brother and my sister and niece went on a family trip this weekend. By nine in the morning he is mixing pints of rum with his "big gulp" at the stops we make. It was a horrible trip and he got mean and nasty and when we returned home I had to "sneak out" my sister and niece who were staying with him after he passed out. Of course yesterday he was so sorry and just wanted all to say he was forgiven and all is well. He won't do anything, he won't make changes. I feel like darkness has just surrounded me. I'm sad, I'm upset.
Help.
Iamhere said
Oct 17, 2017
Welcome to MIP storygirl - glad you found us and glad you joined right in. Alcoholism is progressive, cunning, powerful - probably something you are fully aware of. There is no cure for the disease yet there is recovery should one want it. We (family and friends) often find our own recovery in Al-Anon. That's where I found like-minded people who helped me heal/deal with this disease as best one can.
Alcoholism is considered a family disease - meaning almost all are affected by it. Al-Anon is for family and friends and is available whether the A is in recovery or not. If you are confused about your own consumption, I suggest you attend some AA meetings to see if it may help you. If you are confused/concerned about your bro., I suggest you attend Al-Anon.
I am a double-winner - sober in AA, member of Al-Anon for the ones I love with the disease. It does work for me and I let go of 'where should I go/be' with the help of a good sponsor. You are not alone - there is hope and help in recovery. Keep coming back!
Maresie25 said
Oct 17, 2017
I have certainly been around plenty of alcoholics/addicts whose sorry meant that they do nothing.
That is a real infuriating situation to be in.
I have had to work hard not to be pulled in. Sometimes that meant I could not see them anymore.
LIke you, the drama, chaos and enmeshment was very familiar to me.
I found a lot of solace in al anon. It didn't happen overnight. For me personally I had to be in such pain that I could not stand it any more to make change.
I know some alcoholics who did make recovery. Some of them do.
I also know that I needed to make recovery for myself rather than to try to get someone else to recover.
Maresie.
Aline said
Oct 17, 2017
Hugs, ((((storygirl)))). I'm sorry to hear of the pain you are experiencing and I hope you will find hope and help here. I encourage you to attend face to face Alanon meetings, as well as AA. I know I have found great help in Alanon which I couldn't find anywhere else, and the fellowship has been very welcoming. I cried at my first meeting because I could finally say what I feel and be received with silent understanding and kindness from people who knew what I was going through. There is help and hope in this program... Coming here and sharing is a great step towards healing, alcoholism is much too much to handle alone, I think very few can do that, if anyone. Keep coming back.
mamalioness said
Oct 17, 2017
welcome storygirl...I, too have brothers who are addicts/alcoholics....I am , really, surprised that the two youngest are "still with us"...they are real bad...one is my good friend adn its hard...he goes days at a time on a "80 proof sabatical" and noone knows where or how he is...he make it clear to me he is NOT inerested in AA....has no desire to quit drinking...so I have to accept and detach/distance myself enough so as to not be impacted by him....i am kind and loving when he calls me sober and my boundary with him is "when u call drunk, I am hanging up" and I stand to that...its hard...watching a loved one killing themselves on poison but we are powerless over another...the only thing we can do is work on us, our program, healthy self care, boundaries which the steps and slogans help us with....I hope you can get into some meetings and find a sponsor or recovery mate for mutual support.....hang in there and keep coming back.....sending you comfort energy
-- Edited by mamalioness on Wednesday 18th of October 2017 08:44:47 AM
storygirl said
Oct 18, 2017
Thank you all so much for your replies. It helps so much to know others understand. You love this person so much but you don't want to be with them at the same time. My brother's wife left him last year and that is part of what he is upset about, though again, this behavior has gone on for years and is why she left. He talks about how depressed he is, etc. yet he won't go to a counselor or do anything. He says he is too old and set in him ways.
I will write down my boundaries and start my steps here.
Thank you all so so so much for your help and support. I feel less despair.
Lyne said
Oct 18, 2017
Hi Storygirl-It is completely overwhelming to be at the beginning of seeking help, but it is also the best thing I have ever done for myself. I'm married to an alcoholic 26 years, and only started in Alanon 4 yrs ago. However, they have turned out to be the best step I have ever taken, because in spite of tons of therapy which has helped, nothing comes close to Alanon for helping me survive my marriage. And the miracle of all, is that the A is finally getting help and has been sober for 6 months. We have a long way to go, and I don't know the end of my story, but by working on myself I am stronger and will manage no matter what happens. Keep coming back, Lyne
MeTwo2 said
Oct 18, 2017
thanks for this post .. and for these replies .. Lyne it is So refreshing to read of someone finding progress in their part of the marriage .. miracles even .. thanks for sharing the hope ..
mamakat71 said
Oct 18, 2017
Welcome storygirl,
This is such a great place to be for support from others who know what we are going through. As many of those who replied mentioned setting boundaries is a great idea. For me it has protected me and my ah from having so many episodes of hurt feelings. I really understand what you mean about it being hard to love someone and not wanting to be with them at times, especially during the hard times that involve drinking. For me this has gotten better because as I work the program I am learning about detatchment with love. I thought there would never be a way to do that, but with time and working the program I am able to understand the concept and make real efforts to actually apply that concept with my ah as needed. As you read the stories and shares on these pages you will find that there is love, hope and understanding for all of us. I come here daily to be refreshed. I also participate in the online and f2f alanon meetings. I hope that you can find peace and serenity and remember to be gentle with yourself and really take it one day at a time.
Iamhere said
Oct 18, 2017
storygirl - just some food for thought - my sponsor started in Al-Anon and after some sanity was restored entered AA recovery. I did the reverse - got sober in AA and then found a need for Al-Anon for my family members/the disease. Both use the same 12 Steps and both use many of the same slogans.
When I came to Al-Anon, I would confuse myself over which program I needed to use for 'an issue/crisis'....In time, I realized it was easiest for me to just pull out all my 'tools' and use what made sense. I am blessed to have a sponsor with experience in both so that makes it easier for me. Just keep doing small steps of focusing on you and the answers will come for you.
Keep coming back - I have also stayed in my marriage of 26 years. I have to remind myself at times how we came together and while I know the disease has changed him, those same qualities still shine through. I've changed too - nobody stays the same - the program has helped me just accept what is and go from there.
(((hugs)))
storygirl said
Oct 19, 2017
Thank you again everyone!!
mamalioness said
Oct 19, 2017
Hey Lyne that is GR8...A being sober for 6 months and you are rockin and rollin on your program, detached by caring...now THAT is program in action......I just love to hear progress stories
Good Morning all. I'm new here and looking for some guidance/help. I'm from a family of alcoholics, a friend of alcoholics, and my husband and I are most likely alcoholics. I've lost a brother to alcohol and now feel like I am ready to lose another. My only surviving brother and my sister and niece went on a family trip this weekend. By nine in the morning he is mixing pints of rum with his "big gulp" at the stops we make. It was a horrible trip and he got mean and nasty and when we returned home I had to "sneak out" my sister and niece who were staying with him after he passed out. Of course yesterday he was so sorry and just wanted all to say he was forgiven and all is well. He won't do anything, he won't make changes. I feel like darkness has just surrounded me. I'm sad, I'm upset.
Help.
Alcoholism is considered a family disease - meaning almost all are affected by it. Al-Anon is for family and friends and is available whether the A is in recovery or not. If you are confused about your own consumption, I suggest you attend some AA meetings to see if it may help you. If you are confused/concerned about your bro., I suggest you attend Al-Anon.
I am a double-winner - sober in AA, member of Al-Anon for the ones I love with the disease. It does work for me and I let go of 'where should I go/be' with the help of a good sponsor. You are not alone - there is hope and help in recovery. Keep coming back!
I have certainly been around plenty of alcoholics/addicts whose sorry meant that they do nothing.
That is a real infuriating situation to be in.
I have had to work hard not to be pulled in. Sometimes that meant I could not see them anymore.
LIke you, the drama, chaos and enmeshment was very familiar to me.
I found a lot of solace in al anon. It didn't happen overnight. For me personally I had to be in such pain that I could not stand it any more to make change.
I know some alcoholics who did make recovery. Some of them do.
I also know that I needed to make recovery for myself rather than to try to get someone else to recover.
Maresie.
welcome storygirl...I, too have brothers who are addicts/alcoholics....I am , really, surprised that the two youngest are "still with us"...they are real bad...one is my good friend adn its hard...he goes days at a time on a "80 proof sabatical" and noone knows where or how he is...he make it clear to me he is NOT inerested in AA....has no desire to quit drinking...so I have to accept and detach/distance myself enough so as to not be impacted by him....i am kind and loving when he calls me sober and my boundary with him is "when u call drunk, I am hanging up" and I stand to that...its hard...watching a loved one killing themselves on poison but we are powerless over another...the only thing we can do is work on us, our program, healthy self care, boundaries which the steps and slogans help us with....I hope you can get into some meetings and find a sponsor or recovery mate for mutual support.....hang in there and keep coming back.....sending you comfort energy
-- Edited by mamalioness on Wednesday 18th of October 2017 08:44:47 AM
I will write down my boundaries and start my steps here.
Thank you all so so so much for your help and support. I feel less despair.
Welcome storygirl,
This is such a great place to be for support from others who know what we are going through. As many of those who replied mentioned setting boundaries is a great idea. For me it has protected me and my ah from having so many episodes of hurt feelings. I really understand what you mean about it being hard to love someone and not wanting to be with them at times, especially during the hard times that involve drinking. For me this has gotten better because as I work the program I am learning about detatchment with love. I thought there would never be a way to do that, but with time and working the program I am able to understand the concept and make real efforts to actually apply that concept with my ah as needed. As you read the stories and shares on these pages you will find that there is love, hope and understanding for all of us. I come here daily to be refreshed. I also participate in the online and f2f alanon meetings. I hope that you can find peace and serenity and remember to be gentle with yourself and really take it one day at a time.
When I came to Al-Anon, I would confuse myself over which program I needed to use for 'an issue/crisis'....In time, I realized it was easiest for me to just pull out all my 'tools' and use what made sense. I am blessed to have a sponsor with experience in both so that makes it easier for me. Just keep doing small steps of focusing on you and the answers will come for you.
Keep coming back - I have also stayed in my marriage of 26 years. I have to remind myself at times how we came together and while I know the disease has changed him, those same qualities still shine through. I've changed too - nobody stays the same - the program has helped me just accept what is and go from there.
(((hugs)))