I have been married to my AH for nearly 19 years and he has drank for that whole time. He just seriously tried to stop drinking in Jan of this year. He did an outpatient rehab and AA and did well for a couple of months. And then something, he can't tell me what, caused him to veer off the path. So then we went to the dr because one of his friends from rehab had a dr who gave her something to ease the cravings and he wanted our dr to prescribe that to him. Again, good for a few weeks and then hit a wall and started drinking again. So this time, he had been clean (to my knowledge) since Aug 1. We were getting closer, spending time together, just good times. I have been going to Al Anon for a couple of months and am trying to let him do his thing while I do mine. Anyway, so Sunday, we spent some time together and about 12:30AM, he asked if I was hungry because he wanted some fries from Wendy's. I said I was going to sleep and that was that. Then at 5:30 in the morning, he came in the bedroom (he usually sleeps on the couch anyway due to snoring) and said he didn't know what happened but he had woken up in his car with no keys about 2 miles from home. He said he looked for his keys for an hour and then walked home which took about an hour. His order from Wendy's was sitting in the floorboard, untouched. So he doesn't know what happened. Eventually, we went back and we found the keys in the back windshield of his car. So in the meantime, he is freaking out and saying he is scared and he doesn't want this to happen again- what if it happened when he was supposed to be home with the kids etc. It also became apparent that he had drank at some point because he started going through withdrawals. I asked if he wanted to call the dr or maybe even someone from AA who might have experienced this kind of thing. He refused- said he couldn't because of his anxiety through withdrawals. Now he is finally past the withdrawals but still won't call anyone. Said he feels like he is not sane anymore and he is scared. I don't know if he is lying to me or to himself but I can't go through a guessing game about it with no answer. I am trying to detach. I feel like I need to fix everything but I am trying to let him deal with this on his own. I think it is upsetting him though because I have always been his stress reliever so to speak. Just by touching him on his ear or arm or whatever, he says it makes him more calm. I didn't do that tonight, although I am sure he wanted me to. I just don't have it in me right now. I feel like he needs to be a big boy and I have made suggestions and I can't do anymore. This is hard and it really sucks. Almost as much as dealing with him drinking. I don't know what to do but I am trying to stay strong and not be so co-dependent.
shrnp said
Oct 15, 2017
Hello tracig,
Welcome to MIP. I am sorry you are feeling confused. Alcoholism in an relationship can be very unsettling, It sounds as if you have already been to some meetings and that is great. My exabf would try the medication that helps them curb their desire for drinking. It worked one time for a few weeks, but then he went off it. He would go into the hospital for detox but it did not take long for him to be back drinking again. You go through the highs and lows with drinking and it becomes a binge drunk that can be quite dangerous. I hope everything is alright. You have the right idea of detaching and letting him work on his sobriety by himself. Maybe he will seek some kind of help. Sometimes all you can do is make it one day at a time.
lovetractor said
Oct 15, 2017
I'm sorry you're feeling confused. I am finding it difficult to detach, as well. I have to find a way because I feel like I'm just waiting around for other shoe to drop...and drop...and drop...
bettyk said
Oct 15, 2017
Hello Tracig Alcoholism is a progressive chronic disease over which we are powerless. Alanon is a recovery program established to help families of alcoholics cope the the insanity of the disease. Face to face meetings are held in most communities and the hot line number is in the white pages.
It is here I connected with those who understood as few others can, and was given constructive tools to live by. These helped me to regain my misplaced self esteem and self worth , break the isolation and begin to focus on myself and my needs.
Living one day at a time, trusting a power greater than myself, focused on my needs all helped me to recover Please do Keep coming back
Iamhere said
Oct 15, 2017
I too send welcomes to you Tracig. The disease is progressive and powerful - more powerful than most realize. The power of recovery for them through AA or similar and Al-Anon for friends and family rests partially in the fellowship - more than one share to help each other.
Living with this disease is more than most of us can take. I can speak from personal experience that nothing I ever did before recovery made a change in what they did. It might have caused interruptions and more sneaking and intermittent moments of calm yet I was powerless to have any lasting change for me or them until I found Al-Anon and worked the program.
For me, I had focused on them for so, so long, it felt foreign and selfish to put me first. Yet I saw that others who came before me had genuine peace and joy and I needed that back. I did practice what was suggested and it's been a game-changer. I hope you will lean into recovery and find the support of the fellowship.
You are not alone and there is hope/help in recovery.
tracig said
Oct 15, 2017
Thank you all for your replies. I am committed to work on myself in Al Anon, regardless of what he does. I texted him that I loved him this morning (as I do every morning) and he texted back "do you really?" and that he is tired of hurting me and maybe I should leave him so he doesn't hurt me anymore. I feel like he is trying to manipulate me but I tried not to give in to that. Just said it is my decision to make and for the foreseeable future, I am staying. That I am not looking for perfection (because God knows, I am not perfect!) but just that he tries, mainly for himself because I want him to be healthy and happy. And said I am going to keep going to Al Anon and work on myself because that's what I need to do right now. Doesn't mean I don't love him or want to be with him. I remember one Al Anon meeting where someone said when you change yourself, others may not like that change and may not respond so positively. It was put much more eloquently than that but that was the gist of it. I think he is starting to get a little taste of me being stronger/different than before (and I still have miles to go in recovery-I just barely have started) and I don't think it is sitting well with him. Thank you for your acceptance and insight. I spent a good deal of time reading here last night and it really encouraged me.
I have been married to my AH for nearly 19 years and he has drank for that whole time. He just seriously tried to stop drinking in Jan of this year. He did an outpatient rehab and AA and did well for a couple of months. And then something, he can't tell me what, caused him to veer off the path. So then we went to the dr because one of his friends from rehab had a dr who gave her something to ease the cravings and he wanted our dr to prescribe that to him. Again, good for a few weeks and then hit a wall and started drinking again. So this time, he had been clean (to my knowledge) since Aug 1. We were getting closer, spending time together, just good times. I have been going to Al Anon for a couple of months and am trying to let him do his thing while I do mine. Anyway, so Sunday, we spent some time together and about 12:30AM, he asked if I was hungry because he wanted some fries from Wendy's. I said I was going to sleep and that was that. Then at 5:30 in the morning, he came in the bedroom (he usually sleeps on the couch anyway due to snoring) and said he didn't know what happened but he had woken up in his car with no keys about 2 miles from home. He said he looked for his keys for an hour and then walked home which took about an hour. His order from Wendy's was sitting in the floorboard, untouched. So he doesn't know what happened. Eventually, we went back and we found the keys in the back windshield of his car. So in the meantime, he is freaking out and saying he is scared and he doesn't want this to happen again- what if it happened when he was supposed to be home with the kids etc. It also became apparent that he had drank at some point because he started going through withdrawals. I asked if he wanted to call the dr or maybe even someone from AA who might have experienced this kind of thing. He refused- said he couldn't because of his anxiety through withdrawals. Now he is finally past the withdrawals but still won't call anyone. Said he feels like he is not sane anymore and he is scared. I don't know if he is lying to me or to himself but I can't go through a guessing game about it with no answer. I am trying to detach. I feel like I need to fix everything but I am trying to let him deal with this on his own. I think it is upsetting him though because I have always been his stress reliever so to speak. Just by touching him on his ear or arm or whatever, he says it makes him more calm. I didn't do that tonight, although I am sure he wanted me to. I just don't have it in me right now. I feel like he needs to be a big boy and I have made suggestions and I can't do anymore. This is hard and it really sucks. Almost as much as dealing with him drinking. I don't know what to do but I am trying to stay strong and not be so co-dependent.
Welcome to MIP. I am sorry you are feeling confused. Alcoholism in an relationship can be very unsettling, It sounds as if you have already been to some meetings and that is great. My exabf would try the medication that helps them curb their desire for drinking. It worked one time for a few weeks, but then he went off it. He would go into the hospital for detox but it did not take long for him to be back drinking again. You go through the highs and lows with drinking and it becomes a binge drunk that can be quite dangerous. I hope everything is alright. You have the right idea of detaching and letting him work on his sobriety by himself. Maybe he will seek some kind of help. Sometimes all you can do is make it one day at a time.
It is here I connected with those who understood as few others can, and was given constructive tools to live by. These helped me to regain my misplaced self esteem and self worth , break the isolation and begin to focus on myself and my needs.
Living one day at a time, trusting a power greater than myself, focused on my needs all helped me to recover Please do Keep coming back
Living with this disease is more than most of us can take. I can speak from personal experience that nothing I ever did before recovery made a change in what they did. It might have caused interruptions and more sneaking and intermittent moments of calm yet I was powerless to have any lasting change for me or them until I found Al-Anon and worked the program.
For me, I had focused on them for so, so long, it felt foreign and selfish to put me first. Yet I saw that others who came before me had genuine peace and joy and I needed that back. I did practice what was suggested and it's been a game-changer. I hope you will lean into recovery and find the support of the fellowship.
You are not alone and there is hope/help in recovery.