Me and my AH seperated on the view to him getting some help he is a Functioning alcoholic so can go a few days maybe just having the odd pint now but only a week ago he had more went out and relapsed has more than a few so in my mind he still cant say no and isnt recovered he wont do AA even though Im getting help he says he is drinking minimal compared to what he used to. He then says he is struggling with it now because he isnt home and he is out of routine and scared off losing me altogether he thinks Im drifting maybe because Im trying to detach from the alcohol and dont want to talk about it anymore. He keeps asking me do I still love him and do i see a future he is really insecure I just feel numb and lonely and I dont know if not letting home is making him worse but on the other hand Im scared of him returning and nothing changed I dont want to tell him its over because I do love him deep down but dont want to hurt him but sometimes I do feel I want out altogether dont know what I want now because Im getting used to being on my own so confused. Im missing the love and contact and him keep questioning me is hurting me more should I let him home and support him. Am I being cruel by not giving him the chance to recover at home if he says he wont drink in the house and I will see that he is not drinking at night he says loneliness and not being able to hug me etc is breaking him and its making him struggle with the not drinking any advice a couple of months ago when he left I did let him drink in the house and I didnt really understand the illness etc I was reacting to his drunkness I thought about him sleeping in the spare room because it still his half his house through marriage so I dont know if I can stop him returning ?? Should i give him a chance or give it another month to see how I feel
lisa sa said
Oct 13, 2017
Hiya!!!
You and I could be living parallel lives. All the same story except maybe my abf (11 yrs and 2 kids and love of my life) hasn't even got to the point of accepting that I might be serious about things. I finally got him to pack and leave but his behaviour is as if he's in denial and that it will all blow over so he keeps calling and behaving as if this is just a temporary glitch. This is whats so hard, I have to keep on being the mean, cold-hearted, funless ogre and its's actually not in my nature, like many I've been people pleasing for ever and to be detached and strong ('cold and hard') is very hard.
I just keep reminding myself that the feelings of self loathing I will have if I give in one more time will be worse than the sadness, guilt, loss that I feel now for enforcing the separation. I have 7 & 8 year old boys and I try to use that as my justification and strength for doing the 'right thing' but then again, the feelings of guilt for separating dad and kids also haunts. So I'm living one hour at a time, watching for the chips to fall where they may (HP at work) and its also liberating because I'm no longer fooling myself that I'm in control. So I've put down my boundaries but outside of that I have no responsibility or authority.
And just my own experience - this is hard work. Moments of relief, then guilt, then panic then Alanon slogans, then calm repeat repeat repeat....
Btw, this house is in his name, the car is his, I have no income I'm totally dependent and with little resources so I tried the spare bed/room/sofa but realised I was still thinking I had control. Still hoping for a big break through. Still not handing it over.
So,
I thank you Jlilley for your post and reminding me that I'm not alone in my doubt, loss, guilt ....
All over the world, Friday afternoon, hell for families of alcoholics...this Friday not for me and mine.
Hugs
Maresie25 said
Oct 13, 2017
For me personally the hurt was all he ex A's actions. Then I was expected to stand on my head to help him out. The helping out was not mutual. Indeed when I asked for things, like time at Christmas he abjectly refused.
I got used to the dynamic. I got used to giving till there was nothing left.
Clearly if someone is acting self destructive it isn't your job to make it better for him.
I know the impulse is to do that and I have certainly done it time and again.
Now I have stopped. That doesn't mean I will not help someone sometimes but going out of my way to do it is no longer in the picture.
I acknowledge while they are helpless there is a certain amount of "control" in there.
It is pretty common for an alcoholic to feel sorry for himself. I hear that saga from one of my neighbors all the time. "Oh I am so broke".
I am not exactly rolling in dough myself but I no longer am so clued into making other people's lives better.
Holding to boundaries is a hard one. Holding to a major boundary like where you live and where he lives is a really difficult one.
That is why al anon is so difficult. Many of us come in here with huge problems and very little tools. Learning those tools often requires a ramp up.
Being around anyone who is acting self destructively is very very hard. Being around a spouse who is doing it is a major stressor. For me it is time and again how do I take care of myself, how do I replenish myself. How do I make my life easier. HOw do I plan ahead. All of those nuturing aspects were completely out of the picture before.
Maresie.
Iamhere said
Oct 13, 2017
I am reminded that nothing changes if nothing changes. I have no problem today telling those I love that I love them. I also have no problem following that up with "I don't like how I feel around you/this disease." It took me a long while to truly love myself enough to put distance between me and this disease when I need/ed to do so.
I am also reminded that an alcoholic will drink if that's what sounds like the 'next right thing'. Nothing I say, do, write, shout, speak, share, etc. will change another person's choices and actions. It might for a day/two but trying to change for another person never seems to stick.
Keep living One Day at a Time. Lean into the program. I also learned that as an imperfect person living in an imperfect world, it was perfectly fine to just respond with, "I don't yet know exactly how I feel - I am still processing."
(((Hugs)))
Jlilley said
Oct 13, 2017
Hi all thanks for sharing your replies just said if he wants to spend some evenings here see how things go without drinking I can accept that first night over with and hardly spoke a word just down right miserable didnât converse with me and left so realistically that will be what itâs like no drink not happy will see how the next few weeks pan out and try and focus on me and daughter hugs to you all
Mummie21 said
Oct 16, 2017
I am in the same boat as you are except its my husbznd of 9 yrs and all together one and only for 16. I dont want him to come home from his program i dont want to have that feeling of fear and disappointment. I have told him he has to live seperatly for a year out in society and get a job get back on his feet to show me hes able to live clean and sober before i can even think on working on us. If i were you i would set boundaries . put it out there plain and simple that there needs to be change before moving on. I know its hard i am struggling as well. These things are not just going to go away over night but we dont have to live in it silently either. I wish you the best and stzy strong.
Bettertomorrow said
Oct 16, 2017
Hugs to you.
I personally needed a good six months on my own before making any major decisions and through Al Anon support have found that during this time my self esteem and self worth have raised to a level that the way forward is much clearer.
I asked my AH to leave 6 months ago - we have now agreed that he will return, but I have what I hope are strong boundaries in place (the most important perhaps is my own emotional boundary about what will happen if the house conditions are broken) and he has been sober for the last 6 months. We have 4 children and I personally cannot accept living with an active alcoholic, although I appreciate others may make that choice.
I understand that he may no longer be actively drinking, but some of the behaviour may well still be there. If so, I wish him the very best but we will not be living as a family unit. I simply cannot and will not put myself and the children through anything less than having a serene and largely happy life. I am giving him a chance because the younger children miss him, but have explained to him that it is no longer a marriage - my feelings have changed and I don't know how I will feel. I see it as a going forwards rather than having him 'back'. If it works great, but if not then there is a zero tolerance in place and I feel strong enough now to handle that and do so with compassion. Hope all goes well for you. Joanne
Me and my AH seperated on the view to him getting some help he is a Functioning alcoholic so can go a few days maybe just having the odd pint now but only a week ago he had more went out and relapsed has more than a few so in my mind he still cant say no and isnt recovered he wont do AA even though Im getting help he says he is drinking minimal compared to what he used to. He then says he is struggling with it now because he isnt home and he is out of routine and scared off losing me altogether he thinks Im drifting maybe because Im trying to detach from the alcohol and dont want to talk about it anymore. He keeps asking me do I still love him and do i see a future he is really insecure I just feel numb and lonely and I dont know if not letting home is making him worse but on the other hand Im scared of him returning and nothing changed I dont want to tell him its over because I do love him deep down but dont want to hurt him but sometimes I do feel I want out altogether dont know what I want now because Im getting used to being on my own so confused. Im missing the love and contact and him keep questioning me is hurting me more should I let him home and support him. Am I being cruel by not giving him the chance to recover at home if he says he wont drink in the house and I will see that he is not drinking at night he says loneliness and not being able to hug me etc is breaking him and its making him struggle with the not drinking any advice a couple of months ago when he left I did let him drink in the house and I didnt really understand the illness etc I was reacting to his drunkness I thought about him sleeping in the spare room because it still his half his house through marriage so I dont know if I can stop him returning ?? Should i give him a chance or give it another month to see how I feel
Hiya!!!
You and I could be living parallel lives. All the same story except maybe my abf (11 yrs and 2 kids and love of my life) hasn't even got to the point of accepting that I might be serious about things. I finally got him to pack and leave but his behaviour is as if he's in denial and that it will all blow over so he keeps calling and behaving as if this is just a temporary glitch. This is whats so hard, I have to keep on being the mean, cold-hearted, funless ogre and its's actually not in my nature, like many I've been people pleasing for ever and to be detached and strong ('cold and hard') is very hard.
I just keep reminding myself that the feelings of self loathing I will have if I give in one more time will be worse than the sadness, guilt, loss that I feel now for enforcing the separation. I have 7 & 8 year old boys and I try to use that as my justification and strength for doing the 'right thing' but then again, the feelings of guilt for separating dad and kids also haunts. So I'm living one hour at a time, watching for the chips to fall where they may (HP at work) and its also liberating because I'm no longer fooling myself that I'm in control. So I've put down my boundaries but outside of that I have no responsibility or authority.
And just my own experience - this is hard work. Moments of relief, then guilt, then panic then Alanon slogans, then calm repeat repeat repeat....
Btw, this house is in his name, the car is his, I have no income I'm totally dependent and with little resources so I tried the spare bed/room/sofa but realised I was still thinking I had control. Still hoping for a big break through. Still not handing it over.
So,
I thank you Jlilley for your post and reminding me that I'm not alone in my doubt, loss, guilt ....
All over the world, Friday afternoon, hell for families of alcoholics...this Friday not for me and mine.
Hugs
For me personally the hurt was all he ex A's actions. Then I was expected to stand on my head to help him out. The helping out was not mutual. Indeed when I asked for things, like time at Christmas he abjectly refused.
I got used to the dynamic. I got used to giving till there was nothing left.
Clearly if someone is acting self destructive it isn't your job to make it better for him.
I know the impulse is to do that and I have certainly done it time and again.
Now I have stopped. That doesn't mean I will not help someone sometimes but going out of my way to do it is no longer in the picture.
I acknowledge while they are helpless there is a certain amount of "control" in there.
It is pretty common for an alcoholic to feel sorry for himself. I hear that saga from one of my neighbors all the time. "Oh I am so broke".
I am not exactly rolling in dough myself but I no longer am so clued into making other people's lives better.
Holding to boundaries is a hard one. Holding to a major boundary like where you live and where he lives is a really difficult one.
That is why al anon is so difficult. Many of us come in here with huge problems and very little tools. Learning those tools often requires a ramp up.
Being around anyone who is acting self destructively is very very hard. Being around a spouse who is doing it is a major stressor. For me it is time and again how do I take care of myself, how do I replenish myself. How do I make my life easier. HOw do I plan ahead. All of those nuturing aspects were completely out of the picture before.
Maresie.
I am also reminded that an alcoholic will drink if that's what sounds like the 'next right thing'. Nothing I say, do, write, shout, speak, share, etc. will change another person's choices and actions. It might for a day/two but trying to change for another person never seems to stick.
Keep living One Day at a Time. Lean into the program. I also learned that as an imperfect person living in an imperfect world, it was perfectly fine to just respond with, "I don't yet know exactly how I feel - I am still processing."
(((Hugs)))
Hugs to you.
I personally needed a good six months on my own before making any major decisions and through Al Anon support have found that during this time my self esteem and self worth have raised to a level that the way forward is much clearer.
I asked my AH to leave 6 months ago - we have now agreed that he will return, but I have what I hope are strong boundaries in place (the most important perhaps is my own emotional boundary about what will happen if the house conditions are broken) and he has been sober for the last 6 months. We have 4 children and I personally cannot accept living with an active alcoholic, although I appreciate others may make that choice.
I understand that he may no longer be actively drinking, but some of the behaviour may well still be there. If so, I wish him the very best but we will not be living as a family unit. I simply cannot and will not put myself and the children through anything less than having a serene and largely happy life. I am giving him a chance because the younger children miss him, but have explained to him that it is no longer a marriage - my feelings have changed and I don't know how I will feel. I see it as a going forwards rather than having him 'back'. If it works great, but if not then there is a zero tolerance in place and I feel strong enough now to handle that and do so with compassion. Hope all goes well for you. Joanne