I am the one who stayed and tried my best to raise him and his brother alone, his dad left the state and more or less abandoned him. Why isnt he mad at him, instead its all my fault....I guess this is called misplaced anger or something like that. He is in his early 30's and does not drink anymore, but does not have a program. Any ESH would be appreciated.
linsc
bettyk said
Oct 12, 2017
((Linsc)) I too have experienced the same reaction from my son. I reviewed my actions, made amends and felt as if I did my part and had to let it go. You are not alone
mamakat71 said
Oct 12, 2017
All of my kids are angry at me from time to time. They are angry that I stayed with their dad who was an A. They were angry with me for not saving him when he overdosed and died. They are angry with me for marrying another A. I have enough anger, frustration and guilt on my own. I have many doubts about what I could and should have done differently. I understand where you are. I have been attending online and f2f meetings, going to counseling, reading books and attending church. Most of it is helping, but I have my days. I find that reading the posts on here helps me to know that I am not alone and that we are all truly trying to do our best. Keep coming back...it does help.
Jerry F said
Oct 12, 2017
I consoled my Mom and Step-Father when they were still alive about this issue. The fought and fought forever until they learned that the reason why they did was because they knew they loved each other and their love kinda sorta allowed it to happen. They knew subconsciously that they would continue to love that way even when it was insane. We had a session one night with them as clients both at the same time with the session rule being that they were not to speak until I was done and they complied. I spoke and gave them what it was that I knew as a therapist and then left and the next day they confirmed they had never heard that truth before and that it was truth as they discussed the happenings of the night before.
My Higher Power was in on it from the start because they were fighting before the session and I was about to leave because of it though before I left I checked in with HP and told HP, "If you see there is anything I can do here let me know or I am gone" and HP's response, "Well you are a therapist aren't you"? Yeppers and No Charge.
Don't give up with the love and learn about the tools in love such as patience, compassion, empathy and more and one more we rarely consider....MERCY. ((((HUGS))))
serenity47 said
Oct 12, 2017
I have always viewed anger at the one who has been present is because it is safe. My father did not abandon us physically but he certainly wasn't present due to alcoholism. We certainly could not risk the chance of showing any anger towards him due to fear of his reaction and fear of driving him even further away from us. My mom got to bear the brunt of anger and resentments from 7 kids because she was a safe person to us. We knew she wasn't going anywhere even if we behaved in an unlovable way. Looking back my Mom made many mistakes as she was an imperfect human as we all are. Without the benefit of an Alanon program she did the best she could with what she had. I will always admire the patience and compassion she held for every single person she encountered.
Maresie said
Oct 12, 2017
LinSC wrote:
I am the one who stayed and tried my best to raise him and his brother alone, his dad left the state and more or less abandoned him. Why isnt he mad at him, instead its all my fault....I guess this is called misplaced anger or something like that. He is in his early 30's and does not drink anymore, but does not have a program. Any ESH would be appreciated.
linsc
When I waa working on my childhoid issues I had a condiderablr amount of denial. I was not angry for a long time at people I should have been angry at.
Being abandoned is a tremendously difficult thing to do.
I know the ex A displaced a lot of his anger towards his mother on me. I know she would not have tolerated it.
For me the anger stuff is difficult. I do not now generally tell many people I am angry at them. I spend a lot of time processing it before I seek to acknowledge it to others.
I know for me it was very difficult to tolerate the ExA's dosplaced anger on me. I havr far more boundaries inbplace now. Nevertheless I have to say abandonment is a hige trigger for me. I dont doubt it will be a trigger for a very long time. I manage it far better now but I understand how absolutely devastating acknowledging abandonment by a patent can be.
Working through abandonment has been one of the most difficult things I have had to do. For a very very long time I did absolutely everything I could to not acknowledge the pain.
Maresie
Iamhere said
Oct 13, 2017
LinSC - I so relate and those exact questions have popped into my head countless times - as recent as this week. My 2 boys are both extremely angry with me and ultimately, if I put on my program hat, I believe it's because I interrupted their disease and they still have alcoholic thinking. That's my simple answer and while it doesn't help my heart, it does allow me to return my focus to self.
As a mom, it is very hard on my heart. We (or I) had an incident last weekend where I invited them to be part of a special celebration day for me. They were cold, distant, disrespectful and more. I started to feel slippage in my esteem and worth, and made a decision to vacate the celebration. Where the program helped me so, so much is I did have a Plan B (almost always do) and headed there. I had a bit of a break and I came home, did some processing and as Jerry suggests above asked for help from HP. What came into my heart/mind is I deserve better and I would be of better service to myself to spend my time with others who love me as I am, treat me with respect and enjoy being around me.
So - I am detoxing from my sons which means I don't get to see my little people until I reach out to do so. It's been a very quiet week and I've done some reflection on my part, my expectations, etc. It's been a sad, yet productive week of processing. The realization for me is that, just for today, we are not compatible to interact in healthy ways. They are angry and I take their anger personally at times - 'this' affects all of us in a negative manner.
Please take good care of you and my hope is you too know on some level that you are worthy of healthy, positive, loving relationships. I had to ask myself straight up if they weren't my blood, would I 'hang out' with them. Honestly, the answer is No....just for today.
(((Hugs))) - you are not alone!
LinSC said
Oct 13, 2017
Thank you good people for responding.....
My son's grandfather was absent in his son's life (alcoholic), my son's dad was absent in his son's life (dry alcoholic), and now my son is absent in his son's life (unrecovered alcoholic). And now because of my son's anger toward me...I cannot see my grandson (3yo). I pray that my son will break the cycle, and I wish I knew how to help. Linsc
Iamhere said
Oct 13, 2017
Linsc - when I can't stand not seeing my little people any longer, I reach out to the baby momma! She is more than willing to get some time alone and to have them visit with me. I asked her if we could talk when they were splitting up. She agreed and was scared to death of me. I told her that I cared about her as if she were my daughter (true) and loved my grand children and asked if she would work with me directly for visits. She was very agreeable - we did not discuss the break-up, them or anything about it at all. I did tell her I am a decent listener if she ever wanted to talk - she's not opted for that.
So - I used that good old serenity prayer to get courage and worked on something I could change and it worked out decent for me/us. Hope this helps! (((Hugs)))
saveskeeter said
Oct 13, 2017
serenity47 wrote:
I have always viewed anger at the one who has been present is because it is safe. My father did not abandon us physically but he certainly wasn't present due to alcoholism. We certainly could not risk the chance of showing any anger towards him due to fear of his reaction and fear of driving him even further away from us. My mom got to bear the brunt of anger and resentments from 7 kids because she was a safe person to us. We knew she wasn't going anywhere even if we behaved in an unlovable way. Looking back my Mom made many mistakes as she was an imperfect human as we all are. Without the benefit of an Alanon program she did the best she could with what she had. I will always admire the patience and compassion she held for every single person she encountered.
Quoted For Truth...
el-cee said
Oct 14, 2017
Hey Linsc. I'm sorry to read of your sons anger directed towards you and the fact you cant see your grandson, that would be heart-breaking. I like Iamhere's suggestion of going to the Mother for that contact.
My 3 children were angry with me for a long time and I put up with it because their anger was due to the false belief they had and I had that I caused it and I should have controlled it and cure it. 'It' being the pain of alcoholism. I also believed I should have made it all better for everyone and I took the blame so whenever an angry word or reaction came my way I would respond in such a way that confirmed this false belief. I would either react back with anger, thus adding to it and setting up the next time or I would apologise and grovel a little thus reinforcing the false belief that I was to blame and setting up the next time. Either way it ensured we all were stuck firmly on the merrygoround.
It ended for all of us when the false belief was rooted out in the alanon program and I saw that I had always did the best with what I had or what I knew. Alcoholism and the damage and effects are way to big for me to control, I'm only one human person like everyone else, I have no chance against alcoholism just like every human who ever walked in the disease, I was powerless and so is the whole world really.
So I stopped taking the blame, I used the Jade thing where I just said I'm sorry you feel that way, taking no responsibility for how anyone felt including my children, I stopped offering arguments, justifications, explanaitions etc. I stopped encouraging the belief to continue and if anyone showed disrespect anger name calling any of that then I simply said that I would stay in the room to listen to it, quietly and calmly. It truly works and it just seemed to fade away without much drama.
Alcoholism's symptoms include self pity, blame, resentment etc and these things either have power and grow or they don't so when I stopped placing such value on these things and saw them for what they were they just kind of disappeared.
Your not to blame, sorry, your not big or powerful enough, to be responsible for the lives of other human beings even you children. Stop taking the blame, calmly and with ration. Your sons big baby tantrums are not your responcibility. I'm just sorry hes resorted to the blackmail the grandparent game, pretty low game to play.
pinkchip said
Oct 14, 2017
He is taking it out on the people that are available. He also knows you WONT abandon him so it's "safer" to do take it out on you in his mind. Lastly, a dry drunk will give everyone in their path their crap because the natural state of an untreated alcoholic is restless, irritable and discontent.
Cathyinaz said
Oct 14, 2017
Will he even talk to you and you let him vent as to why your the bad guy in all this. I'm so sorry that after so long of pain and heartache you are still suffering. I'm suffering with guilt that I didn't let go and didn't do the right thing. My son does not suffer anymore but I live on to think.
Prayers are with you that he will come forward and work it out for the better good for all.
I am the one who stayed and tried my best to raise him and his brother alone, his dad left the state and more or less abandoned him. Why isnt he mad at him, instead its all my fault....I guess this is called misplaced anger or something like that. He is in his early 30's and does not drink anymore, but does not have a program. Any ESH would be appreciated.
linsc
All of my kids are angry at me from time to time. They are angry that I stayed with their dad who was an A. They were angry with me for not saving him when he overdosed and died. They are angry with me for marrying another A. I have enough anger, frustration and guilt on my own. I have many doubts about what I could and should have done differently. I understand where you are. I have been attending online and f2f meetings, going to counseling, reading books and attending church. Most of it is helping, but I have my days. I find that reading the posts on here helps me to know that I am not alone and that we are all truly trying to do our best. Keep coming back...it does help.
I consoled my Mom and Step-Father when they were still alive about this issue. The fought and fought forever until they learned that the reason why they did was because they knew they loved each other and their love kinda sorta allowed it to happen. They knew subconsciously that they would continue to love that way even when it was insane. We had a session one night with them as clients both at the same time with the session rule being that they were not to speak until I was done and they complied. I spoke and gave them what it was that I knew as a therapist and then left and the next day they confirmed they had never heard that truth before and that it was truth as they discussed the happenings of the night before.
My Higher Power was in on it from the start because they were fighting before the session and I was about to leave because of it though before I left I checked in with HP and told HP, "If you see there is anything I can do here let me know or I am gone" and HP's response, "Well you are a therapist aren't you"? Yeppers and No Charge.
Don't give up with the love and learn about the tools in love such as patience, compassion, empathy and more and one more we rarely consider....MERCY. ((((HUGS))))
When I waa working on my childhoid issues I had a condiderablr amount of denial. I was not angry for a long time at people I should have been angry at.
Being abandoned is a tremendously difficult thing to do.
I know the ex A displaced a lot of his anger towards his mother on me. I know she would not have tolerated it.
For me the anger stuff is difficult. I do not now generally tell many people I am angry at them. I spend a lot of time processing it before I seek to acknowledge it to others.
I know for me it was very difficult to tolerate the ExA's dosplaced anger on me. I havr far more boundaries inbplace now. Nevertheless I have to say abandonment is a hige trigger for me. I dont doubt it will be a trigger for a very long time. I manage it far better now but I understand how absolutely devastating acknowledging abandonment by a patent can be.
Working through abandonment has been one of the most difficult things I have had to do. For a very very long time I did absolutely everything I could to not acknowledge the pain.
Maresie
As a mom, it is very hard on my heart. We (or I) had an incident last weekend where I invited them to be part of a special celebration day for me. They were cold, distant, disrespectful and more. I started to feel slippage in my esteem and worth, and made a decision to vacate the celebration. Where the program helped me so, so much is I did have a Plan B (almost always do) and headed there. I had a bit of a break and I came home, did some processing and as Jerry suggests above asked for help from HP. What came into my heart/mind is I deserve better and I would be of better service to myself to spend my time with others who love me as I am, treat me with respect and enjoy being around me.
So - I am detoxing from my sons which means I don't get to see my little people until I reach out to do so. It's been a very quiet week and I've done some reflection on my part, my expectations, etc. It's been a sad, yet productive week of processing. The realization for me is that, just for today, we are not compatible to interact in healthy ways. They are angry and I take their anger personally at times - 'this' affects all of us in a negative manner.
Please take good care of you and my hope is you too know on some level that you are worthy of healthy, positive, loving relationships. I had to ask myself straight up if they weren't my blood, would I 'hang out' with them. Honestly, the answer is No....just for today.
(((Hugs))) - you are not alone!
Thank you good people for responding.....
My son's grandfather was absent in his son's life (alcoholic), my son's dad was absent in his son's life (dry alcoholic), and now my son is absent in his son's life (unrecovered alcoholic). And now because of my son's anger toward me...I cannot see my grandson (3yo). I pray that my son will break the cycle, and I wish I knew how to help. Linsc
So - I used that good old serenity prayer to get courage and worked on something I could change and it worked out decent for me/us. Hope this helps! (((Hugs)))
Quoted For Truth...
My 3 children were angry with me for a long time and I put up with it because their anger was due to the false belief they had and I had that I caused it and I should have controlled it and cure it. 'It' being the pain of alcoholism. I also believed I should have made it all better for everyone and I took the blame so whenever an angry word or reaction came my way I would respond in such a way that confirmed this false belief. I would either react back with anger, thus adding to it and setting up the next time or I would apologise and grovel a little thus reinforcing the false belief that I was to blame and setting up the next time. Either way it ensured we all were stuck firmly on the merrygoround.
It ended for all of us when the false belief was rooted out in the alanon program and I saw that I had always did the best with what I had or what I knew. Alcoholism and the damage and effects are way to big for me to control, I'm only one human person like everyone else, I have no chance against alcoholism just like every human who ever walked in the disease, I was powerless and so is the whole world really.
So I stopped taking the blame, I used the Jade thing where I just said I'm sorry you feel that way, taking no responsibility for how anyone felt including my children, I stopped offering arguments, justifications, explanaitions etc. I stopped encouraging the belief to continue and if anyone showed disrespect anger name calling any of that then I simply said that I would stay in the room to listen to it, quietly and calmly. It truly works and it just seemed to fade away without much drama.
Alcoholism's symptoms include self pity, blame, resentment etc and these things either have power and grow or they don't so when I stopped placing such value on these things and saw them for what they were they just kind of disappeared.
Your not to blame, sorry, your not big or powerful enough, to be responsible for the lives of other human beings even you children. Stop taking the blame, calmly and with ration. Your sons big baby tantrums are not your responcibility. I'm just sorry hes resorted to the blackmail the grandparent game, pretty low game to play.
Prayers are with you that he will come forward and work it out for the better good for all.
(((( hugs )))