Attending meetings, learning to work steps, daughter completed 90 day Rehab, enrolled in 12 week Out Patient Program, attends a 12 week after care Rehab program and attends local AA meetings. Shes 38, married for 10 years, rocky marriage, and no kids. She decided to return to her husband against family member wishes and now her dad and her brother and his family has cut her out of their lives. I stay in contact with her, encourage, support and when asked offer advise.She has been out of rehab for 6 weeks and I dectect no drinking. Her brother and his family (wife and 3 kids); live with us because its impossibe to find housing. My son and his wife are demanding I cut my daughter completly or they will cut me out of their lives. Im devastated. I do not enable or assist my daughter in any way. She really has no other family and she needs some support to continue her path. I cant leave her alone. Im thinking about moving out for a while to eliminate the pressure being put on me. Im seeking professional help as well. My husband of 35 years is not supporting me and Im feeling lost about that too.
mamakat71 said
Oct 11, 2017
You have a lot on your plate and as I am finding this is the right place to be. I find that reading some of the shares and attending online and f2f meetings is giving me strength and courage to begin to see things in new perspectives and start to make changes that can give me peace in my life. I hope that you can attend some f2f meetings so you can gain a network that can offer you the support that only others affected by alcoholism understand. It truly is a family disease. Sending you positive thoughts, vibes and prayers.
Kat
Iamhere said
Oct 11, 2017
(((Janet))) - welcome to MIP. Glad you found us and glad that you shared. So very sorry for what has brought you here - Alcoholism is progressive, extensive and brings about all kinds of family issues. It's called a family disease as it often touches the life of all who live with or love an alcoholic.
AA is for the Alcoholic and Al-Anon is for family and friends. I suggest you attend some meetings and see if it makes sense for your situation/circumstances. I struggled to find my path before I got there, and it certainly helped me determine what was my business and what was not. This disease brings so much chaos and insanity - it's way too much for one to deal with and Al-Anon gave me tons of support so I didn't feel alone.
As far as what's happening in your home - the program does help us to detach from other people, places and things. It's taken me a long while to advocate for myself with grace and dignity and had to do so just this past Sunday. This disease brings about a lack of boundaries beyond the alcoholic and it took me a long while to learn and live with the slogan of what other people think is not my business.
Please keep coming back and know that you aren't alone! There is hope and help in recovery.
nursedebbi said
Oct 11, 2017
hi janet......boundries can be difficult esp when new to alanon. have you found a sponsor yet in the meetings? that might be helpful. one person's boundries can be different than others. in our situation our son....who did pass away a year ago for the disease.....my husband had the cut him out of my life boundry. I had a different take on it.....for me the "mom" came out at times. I picked and chose how I interacted with him......at times when he hadn't eaten for days and called....id order a pizza for him.....I really don't regret that now at all.....id take his calls sometimes and sometimes not depending on where he was at with things.....whenever he did rehab ...which was many times.....I supported him at those times especially...hopeful he might have reached a bottom and might turn it around.....I don't regret that at all too......one thing I never had to deal with was ultimatums from family to cut it off with him. I would have a hard time with someone living under my roof telling me that.....that's just me tho.
nursedebbi said
Oct 11, 2017
hi janet......boundries can be difficult esp when new to alanon. have you found a sponsor yet in the meetings? that might be helpful. one person's boundries can be different than others. in our situation our son....who did pass away a year ago for the disease.....my husband had the cut him out of my life boundry. I had a different take on it.....for me the "mom" came out at times. I picked and chose how I interacted with him......at times when he hadn't eaten for days and called....id order a pizza for him.....I really don't regret that now at all.....id take his calls sometimes and sometimes not depending on where he was at with things.....whenever he did rehab ...which was many times.....I supported him at those times especially...hopeful he might have reached a bottom and might turn it around.....I don't regret that at all too......one thing I never had to deal with was ultimatums from family to cut it off with him. I would have a hard time with someone living under my roof telling me that.....that's just me tho.
serenity47 said
Oct 11, 2017
Hi Janet and welcome. In my experience, recovery for each one of us is a process. (both the al-anon and the AA side.) Who am I to judge what is right or wrong for another person. I only know what is best for me today in this moment. Tomorrow may be different, I will concern myself with tomorrow when it arrives. My daughter also went through rehab, sober living, , and now sponsor and meetings. My boundaries are my boundaries, my husband has his, her brother has his. They are all different because we are all different unique individuals. I don't love all of her choices and decisions but I love her. In my world I get to decide what my boundaries are and I allow others to as well. We don't all have to agree on them but we do respect each others choices. My prayers for your daughters continued recovery as well as yours.
Janetuc52 said
Oct 12, 2017
Thank you for the support and shares about your experiences, all of them made sense and brought some clarity.
Maresie said
Oct 12, 2017
I know for me I have a friend who is a chronic alcoholic.
She lives in total chaos and often has life threatening crises.
Currently I am not in active daily contact with her.
Right now I know if I were to resume contact I would need support in order to deal with the repercussions of her actions on me. That is how I feel about then constant chaos she lives in.
I cannot just expect people to be on board because I choise to deal with her. I would not be able to expect my friends to be on board. I would have to make myself a support systen to deal with it.
Just expecting people to be on board is not realistic. More evee it is just a set up because I would be upset if people said they dont want to hear it.
I am pretty good at putting myself situations where I dont get the support I need. Then I have huge resentments towards people who dont support me across the board.
When I was with the now ex A I burned through a lot ofbpeople. At the same time I was desperate for suppot.
I am not planning to totally abandon my friend. Yet I need very much to take care of myself if I am going to deal with her.
I have to be patient, kind, flexible, forgiving and most ofball accepting if I want to psychologically survive.
Attending meetings, learning to work steps, daughter completed 90 day Rehab, enrolled in 12 week Out Patient Program, attends a 12 week after care Rehab program and attends local AA meetings. Shes 38, married for 10 years, rocky marriage, and no kids. She decided to return to her husband against family member wishes and now her dad and her brother and his family has cut her out of their lives. I stay in contact with her, encourage, support and when asked offer advise.She has been out of rehab for 6 weeks and I dectect no drinking. Her brother and his family (wife and 3 kids); live with us because its impossibe to find housing. My son and his wife are demanding I cut my daughter completly or they will cut me out of their lives. Im devastated. I do not enable or assist my daughter in any way. She really has no other family and she needs some support to continue her path. I cant leave her alone. Im thinking about moving out for a while to eliminate the pressure being put on me. Im seeking professional help as well. My husband of 35 years is not supporting me and Im feeling lost about that too.
You have a lot on your plate and as I am finding this is the right place to be. I find that reading some of the shares and attending online and f2f meetings is giving me strength and courage to begin to see things in new perspectives and start to make changes that can give me peace in my life. I hope that you can attend some f2f meetings so you can gain a network that can offer you the support that only others affected by alcoholism understand. It truly is a family disease. Sending you positive thoughts, vibes and prayers.
Kat
AA is for the Alcoholic and Al-Anon is for family and friends. I suggest you attend some meetings and see if it makes sense for your situation/circumstances. I struggled to find my path before I got there, and it certainly helped me determine what was my business and what was not. This disease brings so much chaos and insanity - it's way too much for one to deal with and Al-Anon gave me tons of support so I didn't feel alone.
As far as what's happening in your home - the program does help us to detach from other people, places and things. It's taken me a long while to advocate for myself with grace and dignity and had to do so just this past Sunday. This disease brings about a lack of boundaries beyond the alcoholic and it took me a long while to learn and live with the slogan of what other people think is not my business.
Please keep coming back and know that you aren't alone! There is hope and help in recovery.
I know for me I have a friend who is a chronic alcoholic.
She lives in total chaos and often has life threatening crises.
Currently I am not in active daily contact with her.
Right now I know if I were to resume contact I would need support in order to deal with the repercussions of her actions on me. That is how I feel about then constant chaos she lives in.
I cannot just expect people to be on board because I choise to deal with her. I would not be able to expect my friends to be on board. I would have to make myself a support systen to deal with it.
Just expecting people to be on board is not realistic. More evee it is just a set up because I would be upset if people said they dont want to hear it.
I am pretty good at putting myself situations where I dont get the support I need. Then I have huge resentments towards people who dont support me across the board.
When I was with the now ex A I burned through a lot ofbpeople. At the same time I was desperate for suppot.
I am not planning to totally abandon my friend. Yet I need very much to take care of myself if I am going to deal with her.
I have to be patient, kind, flexible, forgiving and most ofball accepting if I want to psychologically survive.
Expectations are whatrip me up every time.
Maresie