I am not surprised. I have no proof, but I am sure my ah drank today. The reason I have no proof? I am not willing to ask when I believe he has been actively drinking today. There is no point. He will deny, become angry and we will just fight about it. I can see it in his eyes and face. I can hear it in his "talk" He is irritable about everything once again. I am disappointed, but not angry like in the past before I started working this program. I am going to a f2f meeting in a bit and may do the online meeting tonight as well. I will also pray, pray, and pray some more. And then I will let go and let God. Maybe this is supposed to happen. I don't know God's plan, but I trust them. My ah actually just left a few minutes before I sat down to write this post claiming that he was going to AA even though he feels its a waste of his time. I just ignored him and said keep going you might get something you never knew you needed. He was throwing a temper tantrum like a 2 year old. I couldn't help myself but laugh after he walked out. This is not funny at all, but really if the A could get healthier and see this in themselves they would cringe. Thanks for letting me share this. I have gained so much strength here and wish I could have come here for help sooner. Better late than never. Have a wonderful evening.
Kat
Jerry F said
Oct 11, 2017
Aloha Kat...I remember being involved like this until Al-Anon gave me a thought force which changed my enabling behaviors. "It is none of your business" I was taught and that became true for me then and now and stopped my riding her back. There is actually a page in the ODAT daily reader that says, "I often said that I would do everything to help my alcoholic get sober....except get off of her back". Picture that with me...UGH she was carrying too much weight.
My wife and I just got an invitation to get back into it with my eldest alcoholic son and his family....His wife left her car with her daughter who isn't qualified to drive while she went up to the coast. She just called to ask if I could get it started, charge the battery or such. What we got was an enable invitation but we are not up to it for several reasons one being...we don't enable anymore. This is my son's responsibility which I will not accept or my wife. There are others with more direct responsibility and the car should not be driven by an unlicensed person. We just simply said no and passed the responsibility back to them. My son has just acknowledge the message. I'm gonna lay back down again. (((hugs)))
Iamhere said
Oct 11, 2017
Kat - glad that you are headed out to a meeting and that you are considering the online meeting too. I can say that I went to as many meetings as I could when I started as it was the only place I felt I could breathe deeply. The conditions in my home were similar and I waffled between mad, sad, disappointed, shame, etc.
Just keep doing what you are doing for you - lean into the program and the program people. We have a slogan - This too Shall Pass. It's true for good and bad times - I just needed to be reminded often when I was working to change me.
(((Hugs))) - keep coming back!
PS - you might want to edit your profile as your full name is in your posts. If you need help, shout back and we'll walk you through it.
Maresie25 said
Oct 11, 2017
That is a real big moment when you stop obsessing and start holding back.
when I stopped checking up on the now exA I had a lot more energy to focus on what I needed to do.
Of course none of that is easy because every fiber of my being was all about trying to get him to function in a way that would help me.
The painful truth is that I had to learn how to take care of myself in some mystifying situations.
As long as I had a exA around I could blame him for all my problems. He certainly was a huge problem and every day he made a huge mess.
One day I challenged him on it "Every single day". The reality is that every single day I didn't do what I needed to do to take care of myself I simply didn't know how.
Maresie.
mamakat71 said
Oct 11, 2017
Thank you. I went in an edited my profile page. Also thank you for the encouragement.
mamakat71 said
Oct 11, 2017
Please help with the editing of my name as it appears on my posts. I thought I fixed it, but apparently not. Thanks
nursedebbi said
Oct 11, 2017
hi mamakat
you did a great job not engaging in the drama. I remember something from way back when ill pass onto you......the concept of nagging.....whow I was the super queen of it........"say it once....twice if you think they didn't hear you.....after that its nagging".......the saying changed my attitude a lot. I was super managing A's as tho it all hinged on me. trying to cover it up from the world and minimize the damage. that really blew up in my face down the line. for some reason I thought I was there "god" and there sobriety or lack of it hindged on my every word and/or action. they did what they were going to do and it really had nothing to do with me in there way of seeing things. it was hard for me to accept that I didn't have the power to make others see, feel, and behave by my standards of what is the correct way of living. I wasn't perfect at it. practice it. recognize when I was slipping back into my old ways. and frequently not knowing what to do and relying on other alanon ppl to see my options.
back to the nagging concept......at one point I sat em both down and said to them I'm done with nagging, its your lives live it as you please. I wont be micro managing what you do, when you do it, or how you do it anymore. they both grinned ear to ear. shortly after that they both buried themselves deep in there drinking stuff. one got his first drunk driving and the other some jail related to drinking stuff. the other end of the talk we all had became apparent too.... I didn't clean up there messes and try to cover stuff up to other people. there legal problems were there's and so was there reputations. kinda fits with the alanon saying of say what you mean, mean what you say , and don't say it mean.
Iamhere said
Oct 11, 2017
Hey Kat - I fixed it for you! If you go back into your profile area, there is a place where you can add a signature - if desired. That's where it was and I just removed it for you.
I am not surprised. I have no proof, but I am sure my ah drank today. The reason I have no proof? I am not willing to ask when I believe he has been actively drinking today. There is no point. He will deny, become angry and we will just fight about it. I can see it in his eyes and face. I can hear it in his "talk" He is irritable about everything once again. I am disappointed, but not angry like in the past before I started working this program. I am going to a f2f meeting in a bit and may do the online meeting tonight as well. I will also pray, pray, and pray some more. And then I will let go and let God. Maybe this is supposed to happen. I don't know God's plan, but I trust them. My ah actually just left a few minutes before I sat down to write this post claiming that he was going to AA even though he feels its a waste of his time. I just ignored him and said keep going you might get something you never knew you needed. He was throwing a temper tantrum like a 2 year old. I couldn't help myself but laugh after he walked out. This is not funny at all, but really if the A could get healthier and see this in themselves they would cringe. Thanks for letting me share this. I have gained so much strength here and wish I could have come here for help sooner. Better late than never. Have a wonderful evening.
Kat
Aloha Kat...I remember being involved like this until Al-Anon gave me a thought force which changed my enabling behaviors. "It is none of your business" I was taught and that became true for me then and now and stopped my riding her back. There is actually a page in the ODAT daily reader that says, "I often said that I would do everything to help my alcoholic get sober....except get off of her back". Picture that with me...UGH she was carrying too much weight.
My wife and I just got an invitation to get back into it with my eldest alcoholic son and his family....His wife left her car with her daughter who isn't qualified to drive while she went up to the coast. She just called to ask if I could get it started, charge the battery or such. What we got was an enable invitation but we are not up to it for several reasons one being...we don't enable anymore. This is my son's responsibility which I will not accept or my wife. There are others with more direct responsibility and the car should not be driven by an unlicensed person. We just simply said no and passed the responsibility back to them. My son has just acknowledge the message. I'm gonna lay back down again. (((hugs)))
Just keep doing what you are doing for you - lean into the program and the program people. We have a slogan - This too Shall Pass. It's true for good and bad times - I just needed to be reminded often when I was working to change me.
(((Hugs))) - keep coming back!
PS - you might want to edit your profile as your full name is in your posts. If you need help, shout back and we'll walk you through it.
That is a real big moment when you stop obsessing and start holding back.
when I stopped checking up on the now exA I had a lot more energy to focus on what I needed to do.
Of course none of that is easy because every fiber of my being was all about trying to get him to function in a way that would help me.
The painful truth is that I had to learn how to take care of myself in some mystifying situations.
As long as I had a exA around I could blame him for all my problems. He certainly was a huge problem and every day he made a huge mess.
One day I challenged him on it "Every single day". The reality is that every single day I didn't do what I needed to do to take care of myself I simply didn't know how.
Maresie.
Thank you. I went in an edited my profile page. Also thank you for the encouragement.
Please help with the editing of my name as it appears on my posts. I thought I fixed it, but apparently not. Thanks
hi mamakat
you did a great job not engaging in the drama. I remember something from way back when ill pass onto you......the concept of nagging.....whow I was the super queen of it........"say it once....twice if you think they didn't hear you.....after that its nagging".......the saying changed my attitude a lot. I was super managing A's as tho it all hinged on me. trying to cover it up from the world and minimize the damage. that really blew up in my face down the line. for some reason I thought I was there "god" and there sobriety or lack of it hindged on my every word and/or action. they did what they were going to do and it really had nothing to do with me in there way of seeing things. it was hard for me to accept that I didn't have the power to make others see, feel, and behave by my standards of what is the correct way of living. I wasn't perfect at it. practice it. recognize when I was slipping back into my old ways. and frequently not knowing what to do and relying on other alanon ppl to see my options.
back to the nagging concept......at one point I sat em both down and said to them I'm done with nagging, its your lives live it as you please. I wont be micro managing what you do, when you do it, or how you do it anymore. they both grinned ear to ear. shortly after that they both buried themselves deep in there drinking stuff. one got his first drunk driving and the other some jail related to drinking stuff. the other end of the talk we all had became apparent too.... I didn't clean up there messes and try to cover stuff up to other people. there legal problems were there's and so was there reputations. kinda fits with the alanon saying of say what you mean, mean what you say , and don't say it mean.