So earlier on in my journey, I posted about how my AH would always eat and drink in our bed... and because oftentimes that is where he would drink and pass out, he would spill (or pee, or vomit). The most infuriating thing is that he would always spill on MY side of the bed... never his!!!
As part of my program and learning to detach, I got him at a sober time, explained why this behavior bugged me (of course he thought I was over-reacting!) and I asked for a boundary of "If you are going to eat or drink, please put those items on your side of the bed, that way IF they spill, it won't affect me." I made sure to use non-judgmental wording, keeping it to "I" & "me," and even made the concession to say "IF" not "When."
Of course, being an alcoholic, he always crossed that boundary. To top it off, he would call me crazy when I would complain that he keeps doing what I have nicely asked him not to do! Then I began taking two of my nice pillow off the bed (the only ones without some sort of stain). He actually got mad at that! And he is calling ME crazy! LOL! Each time, because I thought I was explaining this rationally, and my AH would eventually acquiesce, I thought my pillows and bedding were safe. Now I know there is no rational conversations with an active alcoholic. Not only that, but no matter what they say when they are sober, when they are drinking, all they think of is themselves... there isn't room for spouses, children, other family.
Last night, as I lay in my own bed, in my own little house, I enjoyed my perfect bed... my retreat from the insanity of the day. The best thing? My AH wasn't in it to ruin everything! LOL!
I post this b/c my bed & all it's accoutrements seemed like such a small thing for way too long... but it was a sanity-stealer for me! For all of you that are new to recovery... it doesn't matter if your line in the sand seems small to the alcoholic... if it matters to you, then IT MATTERS! YOU matter!
Peace & Love
Iamhere said
Oct 10, 2017
Great share PnP - enjoy, enjoy, enjoy your 'special place' created with love in recovery!!! You are right - we do matter!
mamakat71 said
Oct 10, 2017
Great share and helps us newbies to put some things in perspective. My ah has not drank in 2 weeks, but I am still worried. I have been using a lot of the advice I see shared on this message board when talking to my ah during this period of being sober. My ah has went to a few AA meetings and seems reluctant about the program. That causes me to worry, but I am not trying to control, manipulate or assist him with his recovery. For the first time in my life, I am working on my recovery to having a better life, with or without him. It feels wonderful to think this way for the first time. I am happy for you that you have found some happiness and peace in your life. Thanks for the share.
shrnp said
Oct 13, 2017
That is great to hear PnP. My ex-abf would stay in bed all day sometimes, and now I am so thankful that I don't have to see him in there anymore.
Lil99 said
Oct 13, 2017
Love this post thank you for sharing.
Jerry F said
Oct 13, 2017
That is how to work it PnP...It works when we work it. Ugh the picture of the alcoholic "spilling" is ugly. ((((hugs))))
nursedebbi said
Oct 14, 2017
from my experience....alchies do what alchies want to do......with or without me. I used to try to get inside there head and try to understand it all. I got very lost. the 3 B's I used to call it......Bars, Buddies, and Beer......were more important than family or anything else. hardest thing I had to do was accept life on lifes terms....that this is how it is and I couldn't change that. I had a hard time with boundries for quite a while. back then I had gotten as sick as the alchie. the alchie was addicted to drinking and I was addicted to the alchie. I confused love for the drama of addiction. both of em are emotions. in my head I would look at a boundry and think....now how would this boundry get me what I want.....them to stop drinking. it was just as ineffective as all the other ways I had tried to control things with em.....boundries are what I do for me.....for my happiness, serenity, and peace. keep working the program.....things get clearer and easier as you go along. it takes time to gain insight into our part in it and learn new ways of being.
I could relate to the descriptive in your share.....lol.....the nite the alchie awoke in the middle of the night after a big drunk.....ran over to the dresser and opened a draw and began to pee.....thought he was in the bathroom.....thank goodness it was HIS sock drawer.....lol
maria k said
Oct 14, 2017
Loved your post! It is so true that the things that may seem to be so small actually do mean so much. Thank you for sharing!
PosiesandPuppies said
Oct 15, 2017
mamakat - It is great that you are working on YOUR sanity, your peace! I found when my AH was "dry," that the three C's worked best for me... it kept me from worrying if he would "pick up" again.
shrnp - very frequently my AH would stay in bed all day too... after he lost his job, it was every day!
So earlier on in my journey, I posted about how my AH would always eat and drink in our bed... and because oftentimes that is where he would drink and pass out, he would spill (or pee, or vomit). The most infuriating thing is that he would always spill on MY side of the bed... never his!!!
As part of my program and learning to detach, I got him at a sober time, explained why this behavior bugged me (of course he thought I was over-reacting!) and I asked for a boundary of "If you are going to eat or drink, please put those items on your side of the bed, that way IF they spill, it won't affect me." I made sure to use non-judgmental wording, keeping it to "I" & "me," and even made the concession to say "IF" not "When."
Of course, being an alcoholic, he always crossed that boundary. To top it off, he would call me crazy when I would complain that he keeps doing what I have nicely asked him not to do! Then I began taking two of my nice pillow off the bed (the only ones without some sort of stain). He actually got mad at that! And he is calling ME crazy! LOL! Each time, because I thought I was explaining this rationally, and my AH would eventually acquiesce, I thought my pillows and bedding were safe. Now I know there is no rational conversations with an active alcoholic. Not only that, but no matter what they say when they are sober, when they are drinking, all they think of is themselves... there isn't room for spouses, children, other family.
Last night, as I lay in my own bed, in my own little house, I enjoyed my perfect bed... my retreat from the insanity of the day. The best thing? My AH wasn't in it to ruin everything! LOL!
I post this b/c my bed & all it's accoutrements seemed like such a small thing for way too long... but it was a sanity-stealer for me! For all of you that are new to recovery... it doesn't matter if your line in the sand seems small to the alcoholic... if it matters to you, then IT MATTERS! YOU matter!
Peace & Love
Great share and helps us newbies to put some things in perspective. My ah has not drank in 2 weeks, but I am still worried. I have been using a lot of the advice I see shared on this message board when talking to my ah during this period of being sober. My ah has went to a few AA meetings and seems reluctant about the program. That causes me to worry, but I am not trying to control, manipulate or assist him with his recovery. For the first time in my life, I am working on my recovery to having a better life, with or without him. It feels wonderful to think this way for the first time. I am happy for you that you have found some happiness and peace in your life. Thanks for the share.
Love this post thank you for sharing.
That is how to work it PnP...It works when we work it. Ugh the picture of the alcoholic "spilling" is ugly. ((((hugs))))
from my experience....alchies do what alchies want to do......with or without me. I used to try to get inside there head and try to understand it all. I got very lost. the 3 B's I used to call it......Bars, Buddies, and Beer......were more important than family or anything else. hardest thing I had to do was accept life on lifes terms....that this is how it is and I couldn't change that. I had a hard time with boundries for quite a while. back then I had gotten as sick as the alchie. the alchie was addicted to drinking and I was addicted to the alchie. I confused love for the drama of addiction. both of em are emotions. in my head I would look at a boundry and think....now how would this boundry get me what I want.....them to stop drinking. it was just as ineffective as all the other ways I had tried to control things with em.....boundries are what I do for me.....for my happiness, serenity, and peace. keep working the program.....things get clearer and easier as you go along. it takes time to gain insight into our part in it and learn new ways of being.
I could relate to the descriptive in your share.....lol.....the nite the alchie awoke in the middle of the night after a big drunk.....ran over to the dresser and opened a draw and began to pee.....thought he was in the bathroom.....thank goodness it was HIS sock drawer.....lol
Loved your post! It is so true that the things that may seem to be so small actually do mean so much. Thank you for sharing!
mamakat - It is great that you are working on YOUR sanity, your peace! I found when my AH was "dry," that the three C's worked best for me... it kept me from worrying if he would "pick up" again.
shrnp - very frequently my AH would stay in bed all day too... after he lost his job, it was every day!
Lil99 - you're welcome! Peace and light to you!
Jerry - I know
nursedebbi - I am a work in progress! LOL!
maria k - Thanks for reading!