Thirty years ago yesterday, I entered Rehab for Alcoholism. For a long while, I counted 10/7 as my sobriety day. It dawned on me about 10 years ago that I need it to change to 10/8 as that's the first day I was truly substance free - I went to rehab highly intoxicated and on God knows what type of additional substances.
While recovery is personal, and I tend to celebrate with close friends in a small way, I had this 'idea' that since we had our AA Softball Tourney and I am not getting any younger, I should ask my boys, both sober right now to attend and play. They both agreed to it and it's been in the works for a couple weeks.
I told them both that I am considering retiring from ball, and I've stayed playing as I've always wanted to play with the two of them, if just one day. I made my 'wants' very clear well in advance. I suppose because they both said OK that it would happen. Well - that's not at all what happened.
I picked up my youngest, and he was angry that I arrived 5 minutes early (insert an eye-roll here). I let it go and off we went. Then, I was 'cheering' too loudly so he scolded me in front of everyone. Realize these are people in recovery that I play with each week or most weeks and he's the new guy on the block. I set that aside but it bothered me.
My oldest showed up an hour late, grabbed the youngest, took him to the park to play with the little people, to the convenient store for a drink, never acknowledged me, spoke to me - actually snubbed me. So - here I sit, I've brought extra chairs for the little people, a large cooler full of water, juice boxes and snacks, a bag for each of them with glove/hat and my own equipment bag and no offer of help from them at all.
After being ignored, shunned and left to fend for myself with all this 'stuff' I was asked to bring for them, it dawned on me that I was not having a good time, and perhaps my day would be better if I spent it with others who enjoy me, as I am, and I packed it all up and left. I am extremely sad as I really felt that perhaps 'ball' would provide an opportunity for us all to do something together in a safe setting, and what I witnessed instead is 2 immature, newly sober males who have absolutely no interest in me, my interests, etc. *Sigh*
I went home, talked it out with a program friend, grabbed some food and then went to play my second tournament. I love my sons as I birthed them but I have decided that they are not able or willing to see me and know me as a person with feelings, wants, needs, etc. I have worked hard all day to avoid pity, but I will readily admit I am disappointed and really understand that this disease makes 'special days' very flat if I try to insert my will.
So - I am watching the CHIEFS and am exhausted! I am certain I will sleep well and plan to have a mini detox from my guys. It's been a wild couple of weeks with new sobriety, selling 2 cars, out of town company, buying a new car and my friend with cancer is not responding to treatment as before. Sunday softball is over until March! Just have Wednesday and Friday for a few weeks left.
It is certainly time for me to do some step work with my sponsor, re-evaluate some boundaries and simplify! (((Hugs))) to all - thanks for letting me share.
hotrod said
Oct 8, 2017
((IAH))) Sending positive thoughts your way
PosiesandPuppies said
Oct 8, 2017
The response of your sons made me angry! But, we all know the why's of this. I am heartened to hear that you went and did what was good and right for you!
((((IAH))))
Jerry F said
Oct 8, 2017
((((I Am Here)))) and on top of that they are all juiced up with testosterone and adrenalin which clogs up their CNS mixed with irrational thinking and crap...Males!!!??? Who the hell do we think were are and where do we get the permission to think that way? Sis my mom use to talk at time about the number of stitches she had to have after giving birth to me and how I was EXTRACTED WITH FORCEPS by the doctors because I wasn't ready to come out and hanging in there with finger nails to the flesh.
I grew a ton of empathy when counseling the female/mother clients in my sessions and at times would be willing to hold their boy children while they beat the pus out of them.
For me I've got three sons and two them are sterling while the third is as you describe here becoming the poster boy for national jerk. He has gotten better it seems however if you ask the females around him what they think? Naaaaw.
Believe in your worth and throw your right hand over your left shoulder and pat yourself on the back...you've done well while they are still in first grade.
(((((hugs)))))
el-cee said
Oct 9, 2017
Sounds like you had a lovely idea and In the normal world would have been a lovely day for everyone. We unfortunately don't live in the normal world and in a way I'm glad because it's growth central for mothers like us we don't get to sit in our plans feeling good. No no we get a lesson on us. You did well pal.x
El said
Oct 9, 2017
(((IAH))). So sorry your really great idea for the 3 of you to connect didnt work out the way you had hoped. It was a really great plan! Sounds like its too soon for them to un-wallow in their own misery of early sobriety. The good news is they are working on sobriety.
You took care of you by getting the blazes out of there, reaching out to a program friend, fueling yourself and moving on! You also showed them your boundary of not putting up with it!
I think its a good plan to have a mini detox of them! Excellent plan!!
Thank you for sharing your story.....it helps to see examples of how to take care of ourselves amidst the chaos and crap of this disease. I am very sorry however of how it unfolded initially.
Pouring here this morning in western NY. Gives me reason to take my time getting going!
Ellen
Iamhere said
Oct 9, 2017
Thank you all for your loving words and support. A part of me is so grateful that the program has given me the choice to walk away and the tools to do so with dignity and grace. And yet --- there is that part of me that is so sad still yet less sad than yesterday. I suppose this is 'how it works' - we process, we take action, we deal and we heal.
Oh Jerry - your post gave me a chuckle. I did have to smile about my AH. He could tell I was upset and asked what was wrong (rare that he notices and even more rare that he inquires...) I shared my view of the day and bless his heart - he just could not determine what to say/do. I am so glad that my God's plan included 3 brothers as I do have experience with the whole testosterone thing.
While I was playing softball last evening, he sent a text asking if he should go out and get a card and some chocolates for me...I got a chuckle that 4 hours after my 'dump', this was the solution he came up with. I responded that him listening was the best gift ever and there was no need.
*Sigh* - it's actually a beautiful day here. We have 56 degrees, full sunshine and our high is going to be around 75 degrees...I truly love 3 of the 4 seasons we have ... the snow one - not so much! My prayer for all is that we have a peaceful day that is 'easier' than most. (((Hugs)))
serenity47 said
Oct 9, 2017
First of all congratulations of your thirty years of sobriety!! That is awesome. Its like an arrow to the heart when our offspring do not view us as individuals with feelings, wants and needs as well. The self centeredness of early sobriety is maddening to say the least. It sounds like in spite of the hurt feelings you made the best of the rest of the day. Their jerky behaviour is not a reflection of you. A blessing of the program to be able to pause, gather ourselves, process and let it go. Hugs.
Jerry F said
Oct 9, 2017
Serenity47 ((((hugs)))) so right on.
andromeda said
Oct 9, 2017
I have found that it's ok to feel disappointments as long as they aren't wrapped in self pity. You are taking care of you and recognizing what is needed. Hugs to you! I hope you are having a blessed Monday.
YARNCRAZY said
Oct 9, 2017
id love to spend time with you. you have always been supportive of me and im grateful. Some people wont ever be who wed like them to be. Its a lesson i have to relearn daily. that and not to dominate,judge and nag lol
a
tiredtonite said
Oct 9, 2017
Firstly, congratulations on your sober anniversary. Thank you for sharing it with us, your es&h and ongoing service to this board. I'm sorry your sons disappointed you. "Hardware store for bread," yep. Maybe the timing was a bit off since they are newly sober. Maybe they can't even show up of themselves yet. Most importantly, you took care of yourself in this. I'm sorry for the hurt feelings you're experiencing. So you stuck your toe in the water this year to test your sons' emotional temperature. Listen, no risk no gain. I commend you for the courage to risk possible disappointment. You know.. the more time in recovery the better chance of accountability to others rather than self absorption. Maybe tomorrow huh? (((hugs)))) TT
Iamhere said
Oct 9, 2017
Thank you all for the love and support....I tell you - it's so, so true that that when our offspring don't 'see' us as imperfect humans...it is like an arrow through the heart. I've stayed super busy today and that tends to work well for me. I can say too if I am completely honest, it is very hard to not feel responsible. We know the disease is genetic. I did my best that I knew yet I have 2 for 2 with this disease and that's truly a tough pill to swallow.
They have both called and I've opted to wait for any discussion. I really, really don't want to say something I will regret and there is a part of me that wants the detox to be extended. I am blessed to have many good friends in program, in softball and beyond. Our program tells us to take care of self and find activities and people we enjoy. I can share that most of my time spent with my sons for more than 10 years has been unpleasant, uncomfortable and far from fun. I get really sad that we're not more loving and then I get really angry at this disease. Because of my experience, I can almost tell you to the day when they began their use - it was a jeckyl/hyde change that took sweet fun young boys and turned them into selfish, self-centered things. I remain hopeful for maturity, love and light to enter their heart....have many doubts.
Love and light all...
hotrod said
Oct 9, 2017
(((IAH)) Prayers on the way.
Maresie25 said
Oct 10, 2017
I have recently let "go" of one of my friends because of the way she behaves on social occasions.
There is no need to keep being spoiled by other people's behavior. I have certainly done that throughout my life.
I congratulate you on being able to set a boundary.
They are pretty hard to do. Maresie.
DellaElle said
Oct 10, 2017
IAmHere I could hear the pain you're in while reading this. Sigh - this disease, and what it does to families, sucks.
At the same time, I gotta tell you, I fist-pumped when I read that you packed up your stuff and left. Just that whole thought-process you described, where you realized "Ok, I'm not enjoying this. Perhaps it would be better to go hang out with some folks that enjoy my company" gave me some hope of how things can be. That I can think highly enough of myself to think "I don't deserve this".
And then to hear you say "Well, they both called, but I need more time to detox", that really helped. I never thought of it that way, that with chaotic relationships, we need periods of detoxing, so we're not reacting.
Congratulations on your 30 years of sobriety. Thank you, for the way you work your program, and all of your encouragement on this board.
Iamhere said
Oct 10, 2017
The love and support are felt - thank you MIP family. I can say that I am not certain how long my detox will last but it's been bitter/sweet. I truly do feel that life is too short to keep giving of me where it's not wanted/appreciated/respected. Hoping to get a nudge from HP on best next steps.
I do feel the love and caring and that helps so much. (((Hugs)))
Maresie25 said
Oct 11, 2017
In my last relationship with the alcoholic part of the maxim was to spend time with his mother. I did not know how to exit with dignity and grace. I know that would have saved me a lot of heartache.
I think for most of my life I have punished myself by being around people who are unsupportive, obnoxious, demanding and completely inconsiderate of me.
I am so grateful these days that I can see that behavior and find ways to be away from it. I certainly take them very very seriously.
In the past I felt obligated to fix things for people.
Now my priority is to "fix" me That doesn't mean I am not compassionate, kind or even generous. Rather it means that the person who I am most kind and generous to is me.
Thirty years ago yesterday, I entered Rehab for Alcoholism. For a long while, I counted 10/7 as my sobriety day. It dawned on me about 10 years ago that I need it to change to 10/8 as that's the first day I was truly substance free - I went to rehab highly intoxicated and on God knows what type of additional substances.
While recovery is personal, and I tend to celebrate with close friends in a small way, I had this 'idea' that since we had our AA Softball Tourney and I am not getting any younger, I should ask my boys, both sober right now to attend and play. They both agreed to it and it's been in the works for a couple weeks.
I told them both that I am considering retiring from ball, and I've stayed playing as I've always wanted to play with the two of them, if just one day. I made my 'wants' very clear well in advance. I suppose because they both said OK that it would happen. Well - that's not at all what happened.
I picked up my youngest, and he was angry that I arrived 5 minutes early (insert an eye-roll here). I let it go and off we went. Then, I was 'cheering' too loudly so he scolded me in front of everyone. Realize these are people in recovery that I play with each week or most weeks and he's the new guy on the block. I set that aside but it bothered me.
My oldest showed up an hour late, grabbed the youngest, took him to the park to play with the little people, to the convenient store for a drink, never acknowledged me, spoke to me - actually snubbed me. So - here I sit, I've brought extra chairs for the little people, a large cooler full of water, juice boxes and snacks, a bag for each of them with glove/hat and my own equipment bag and no offer of help from them at all.
After being ignored, shunned and left to fend for myself with all this 'stuff' I was asked to bring for them, it dawned on me that I was not having a good time, and perhaps my day would be better if I spent it with others who enjoy me, as I am, and I packed it all up and left. I am extremely sad as I really felt that perhaps 'ball' would provide an opportunity for us all to do something together in a safe setting, and what I witnessed instead is 2 immature, newly sober males who have absolutely no interest in me, my interests, etc. *Sigh*
I went home, talked it out with a program friend, grabbed some food and then went to play my second tournament. I love my sons as I birthed them but I have decided that they are not able or willing to see me and know me as a person with feelings, wants, needs, etc. I have worked hard all day to avoid pity, but I will readily admit I am disappointed and really understand that this disease makes 'special days' very flat if I try to insert my will.
So - I am watching the CHIEFS and am exhausted! I am certain I will sleep well and plan to have a mini detox from my guys. It's been a wild couple of weeks with new sobriety, selling 2 cars, out of town company, buying a new car and my friend with cancer is not responding to treatment as before. Sunday softball is over until March! Just have Wednesday and Friday for a few weeks left.
It is certainly time for me to do some step work with my sponsor, re-evaluate some boundaries and simplify! (((Hugs))) to all - thanks for letting me share.
((((IAH))))
((((I Am Here)))) and on top of that they are all juiced up with testosterone and adrenalin which clogs up their CNS mixed with irrational thinking and crap...Males!!!??? Who the hell do we think were are and where do we get the permission to think that way? Sis my mom use to talk at time about the number of stitches she had to have after giving birth to me and how I was EXTRACTED WITH FORCEPS by the doctors because I wasn't ready to come out and hanging in there with finger nails to the flesh.
I grew a ton of empathy when counseling the female/mother clients in my sessions and at times would be willing to hold their boy children while they beat the pus out of them.
For me I've got three sons and two them are sterling while the third is as you describe here becoming the poster boy for national jerk. He has gotten better it seems however if you ask the females around him what they think? Naaaaw.
Believe in your worth and throw your right hand over your left shoulder and pat yourself on the back...you've done well while they are still in first grade.
(((((hugs)))))
(((IAH))). So sorry your really great idea for the 3 of you to connect didnt work out the way you had hoped. It was a really great plan! Sounds like its too soon for them to un-wallow in their own misery of early sobriety. The good news is they are working on sobriety.
You took care of you by getting the blazes out of there, reaching out to a program friend, fueling yourself and moving on! You also showed them your boundary of not putting up with it!
I think its a good plan to have a mini detox of them! Excellent plan!!
Thank you for sharing your story.....it helps to see examples of how to take care of ourselves amidst the chaos and crap of this disease. I am very sorry however of how it unfolded initially.
Pouring here this morning in western NY. Gives me reason to take my time getting going!
Ellen
Oh Jerry - your post gave me a chuckle. I did have to smile about my AH. He could tell I was upset and asked what was wrong (rare that he notices and even more rare that he inquires...) I shared my view of the day and bless his heart - he just could not determine what to say/do. I am so glad that my God's plan included 3 brothers as I do have experience with the whole testosterone thing.
While I was playing softball last evening, he sent a text asking if he should go out and get a card and some chocolates for me...I got a chuckle that 4 hours after my 'dump', this was the solution he came up with. I responded that him listening was the best gift ever and there was no need.
*Sigh* - it's actually a beautiful day here. We have 56 degrees, full sunshine and our high is going to be around 75 degrees...I truly love 3 of the 4 seasons we have ... the snow one - not so much! My prayer for all is that we have a peaceful day that is 'easier' than most. (((Hugs)))
Serenity47 ((((hugs)))) so right on.
a
Firstly, congratulations on your sober anniversary. Thank you for sharing it with us, your es&h and ongoing service to this board. I'm sorry your sons disappointed you. "Hardware store for bread," yep. Maybe the timing was a bit off since they are newly sober. Maybe they can't even show up of themselves yet. Most importantly, you took care of yourself in this. I'm sorry for the hurt feelings you're experiencing. So you stuck your toe in the water this year to test your sons' emotional temperature. Listen, no risk no gain. I commend you for the courage to risk possible disappointment. You know.. the more time in recovery the better chance of accountability to others rather than self absorption. Maybe tomorrow huh? (((hugs)))) TT
They have both called and I've opted to wait for any discussion. I really, really don't want to say something I will regret and there is a part of me that wants the detox to be extended. I am blessed to have many good friends in program, in softball and beyond. Our program tells us to take care of self and find activities and people we enjoy. I can share that most of my time spent with my sons for more than 10 years has been unpleasant, uncomfortable and far from fun. I get really sad that we're not more loving and then I get really angry at this disease. Because of my experience, I can almost tell you to the day when they began their use - it was a jeckyl/hyde change that took sweet fun young boys and turned them into selfish, self-centered things. I remain hopeful for maturity, love and light to enter their heart....have many doubts.
Love and light all...
I have recently let "go" of one of my friends because of the way she behaves on social occasions.
There is no need to keep being spoiled by other people's behavior. I have certainly done that throughout my life.
I congratulate you on being able to set a boundary.
They are pretty hard to do.
Maresie.
At the same time, I gotta tell you, I fist-pumped when I read that you packed up your stuff and left. Just that whole thought-process you described, where you realized "Ok, I'm not enjoying this. Perhaps it would be better to go hang out with some folks that enjoy my company" gave me some hope of how things can be. That I can think highly enough of myself to think "I don't deserve this".
And then to hear you say "Well, they both called, but I need more time to detox", that really helped. I never thought of it that way, that with chaotic relationships, we need periods of detoxing, so we're not reacting.
Congratulations on your 30 years of sobriety. Thank you, for the way you work your program, and all of your encouragement on this board.
I do feel the love and caring and that helps so much. (((Hugs)))
In my last relationship with the alcoholic part of the maxim was to spend time with his mother. I did not know how to exit with dignity and grace. I know that would have saved me a lot of heartache.
I think for most of my life I have punished myself by being around people who are unsupportive, obnoxious, demanding and completely inconsiderate of me.
I am so grateful these days that I can see that behavior and find ways to be away from it. I certainly take them very very seriously.
In the past I felt obligated to fix things for people.
Now my priority is to "fix" me That doesn't mean I am not compassionate, kind or even generous. Rather it means that the person who I am most kind and generous to is me.
I am no longer last on the list for myself.
Maresie.