Just read this from another member post and it hit me-
I know personally if I am around the chaos and divisiveness and self destruction an active addict/alcoholic brings I get pretty angry.
This explains to me why I have been angry, resentful, hurt, all the negative emotions I have felt for years. Its because I have been around active addiction. It triggers the insanity inside me! I try and control, manage, look after, stop the madness so I do not feel angry. I fear my anger and do not see my anger as a warning to GET OUT! GET OUT OF THE SITUATION, ITS UNHEALTHY FOR YOU. The anger is trying to tell me to save myself, remove myself from the madness. RUN,RUN to safety, what ever that looks like for me.
I see now that my home since I can recall has not been a safe place for me. I grew up in alcoholic home and active addiction was always in the home and today, it still is. I just realized from reading this post I never had a home. I have never known what a safe home is. I have no idea what safety is and what that looks like. WOW. Not having a home has always been a fear as I was homeless a lot when I was a child. Today, I defend my home like a dog, despite it being unsafe, unstable, fearful, active addiction of alcoholism, crazy-making. This is because I fear; fear not having a home. But this is not a home, its a drunk pad. Its where the abf is allowed to use and be insane where none sees and makes him accountable for his actions. Where he can isolate and act up. I tolerate this BS because of my fears. I have to find a way to get a back bone and let this home, this unsafe home, this mad house go! I have to get strength to make a home, my home where I am safe.
I had an argument with ABF yesterday and said to him, give me back the money I gave to this house and take me off title and I will leave and you will never see me again. I said I had enough! I said, I want out of this relationship and out of this house. I just want my money back and I will leave. I was so angry, so angry! I said my truth, and for that I am proud of myself. I then went to the steam room and hot tub and enjoyed myself. I said this to the abf and he was sober, so he heard me loud and clear! I am done, completely done.I feel unloved and unsupported in this dead end relationship. I feel emotionally dead toward him and I do not care anymore. My family who I love dearly, can not stand him and refuse to have anything to do with him. Yesterday, my younger sister, who I am close to, said he is an ashole and why waste your time as she had seen his drunken actions in the past. I refuse now to involve him with any family gatherings related to my family. That bridge is closed. My family wants nothing, absolutely nothing to do with him. That is how bad it is. I am getting stronger day by day and for me to even say this truth, its a huge start!
Thanks everyone for you support and for this board! Its a life saver!
Aline said
Oct 7, 2017
Hey, Joker, I think you've done some great inner work and gained a new awareness, congrats :) I've noticed that new epiphanies and healthier attitudes keep on coming as long as I'm working the program.
PosiesandPuppies said
Oct 7, 2017
(((Joker))) Hugs to you! Although you gained a huge amount of self-awareness, sometimes it can hurt. So sending you light & Love!
I happen to LOVE your post! I see growth, and strength here! It hurts me to hear that your home life when you were young was not healthy. That alone can create a lot of problems in your adult life (as you well know!). However... your eyes have been opened, and you are OWNING WHAT YOU WANT! YES!!!
MY ESH is that even though FEAR is what drove my decision to take my addict husband back 6 years ago, and FEAR was the reason I stayed longer than I should've with his new addiction (alcohol), eventually, I did conquer the fear of being on my own, making my own money to support me and my son. And I am so happy to be in a home that is peaceful, and loving. One where I don't have to hide my valuables, or sleep with my wallet under my pillow. The feeling is AMAZING! I want that for you!
Keep working the program and posting... I look forward to reading about YOUR freedom day!
Namaste!
a4l said
Oct 10, 2017
The trick to those wake up moments is not going back to sleep. Keep coming back.
Maresie25 said
Oct 11, 2017
Having boundaries when you were not able to have any as a child is no easy task.
For me personally wanting to fix the people around me, the environment around me and the circumstances I live in is what draws me in.
I have to constantly bring myself back to the limits on my energy, the focus I need to maintain at the moment is the mantra.
The other constant is of course being willing to do better. Seek out better situations, be willing to fail, be willing to experiment (with risk assessments) and
be willing to take care of myself.
Growing up as I did, the focus was on the environment, how would I survive, let alone do better.
I have to be constantly aware of how much energy I have.
For me personally that means I am no longer able to or willing to rescue, cajole, be angry at or engage with really difficult people.
I certainly have to sometimes deal with people who are difficult but I have boundaries around them. They are no longer the trigger for persistent self recrimination.
When I discovered one of my neighbors was more dysfunctional than I thought the response was immediate rather than to go into constant self doubt.
I set goals of living in healthier ways. That no longer means I abandon myself totally to trying to save someone else.
Maresie.
el-cee said
Oct 12, 2017
I think its great you are reading here and relating to others, that's a great start. Your also looking at whats good for you and making some decisions about what you want and standing up for yourself, this is really good. I think if you want that courage to take action to improve your situation whether leaving or staying the alanon meetings would really help, there you will get that face to face support and literature you can study. Its not easy making changes and there is real solid help out there for everyone to access. Give yourself that support and help you deserve it.
Just read this from another member post and it hit me-
I know personally if I am around the chaos and divisiveness and self destruction an active addict/alcoholic brings I get pretty angry.
This explains to me why I have been angry, resentful, hurt, all the negative emotions I have felt for years. Its because I have been around active addiction. It triggers the insanity inside me! I try and control, manage, look after, stop the madness so I do not feel angry. I fear my anger and do not see my anger as a warning to GET OUT! GET OUT OF THE SITUATION, ITS UNHEALTHY FOR YOU. The anger is trying to tell me to save myself, remove myself from the madness. RUN,RUN to safety, what ever that looks like for me.
I see now that my home since I can recall has not been a safe place for me. I grew up in alcoholic home and active addiction was always in the home and today, it still is. I just realized from reading this post I never had a home. I have never known what a safe home is. I have no idea what safety is and what that looks like. WOW. Not having a home has always been a fear as I was homeless a lot when I was a child. Today, I defend my home like a dog, despite it being unsafe, unstable, fearful, active addiction of alcoholism, crazy-making. This is because I fear; fear not having a home. But this is not a home, its a drunk pad. Its where the abf is allowed to use and be insane where none sees and makes him accountable for his actions. Where he can isolate and act up. I tolerate this BS because of my fears. I have to find a way to get a back bone and let this home, this unsafe home, this mad house go! I have to get strength to make a home, my home where I am safe.
I had an argument with ABF yesterday and said to him, give me back the money I gave to this house and take me off title and I will leave and you will never see me again. I said I had enough! I said, I want out of this relationship and out of this house. I just want my money back and I will leave. I was so angry, so angry! I said my truth, and for that I am proud of myself. I then went to the steam room and hot tub and enjoyed myself. I said this to the abf and he was sober, so he heard me loud and clear! I am done, completely done.I feel unloved and unsupported in this dead end relationship. I feel emotionally dead toward him and I do not care anymore. My family who I love dearly, can not stand him and refuse to have anything to do with him. Yesterday, my younger sister, who I am close to, said he is an ashole and why waste your time as she had seen his drunken actions in the past. I refuse now to involve him with any family gatherings related to my family. That bridge is closed. My family wants nothing, absolutely nothing to do with him. That is how bad it is. I am getting stronger day by day and for me to even say this truth, its a huge start!
Thanks everyone for you support and for this board! Its a life saver!
I happen to LOVE your post! I see growth, and strength here! It hurts me to hear that your home life when you were young was not healthy. That alone can create a lot of problems in your adult life (as you well know!). However... your eyes have been opened, and you are OWNING WHAT YOU WANT! YES!!!
MY ESH is that even though FEAR is what drove my decision to take my addict husband back 6 years ago, and FEAR was the reason I stayed longer than I should've with his new addiction (alcohol), eventually, I did conquer the fear of being on my own, making my own money to support me and my son. And I am so happy to be in a home that is peaceful, and loving. One where I don't have to hide my valuables, or sleep with my wallet under my pillow. The feeling is AMAZING! I want that for you!
Keep working the program and posting... I look forward to reading about YOUR freedom day!
Namaste!
Having boundaries when you were not able to have any as a child is no easy task.
For me personally wanting to fix the people around me, the environment around me and the circumstances I live in is what draws me in.
I have to constantly bring myself back to the limits on my energy, the focus I need to maintain at the moment is the mantra.
The other constant is of course being willing to do better. Seek out better situations, be willing to fail, be willing to experiment (with risk assessments) and
be willing to take care of myself.
Growing up as I did, the focus was on the environment, how would I survive, let alone do better.
I have to be constantly aware of how much energy I have.
For me personally that means I am no longer able to or willing to rescue, cajole, be angry at or engage with really difficult people.
I certainly have to sometimes deal with people who are difficult but I have boundaries around them. They are no longer the trigger for persistent self recrimination.
When I discovered one of my neighbors was more dysfunctional than I thought the response was immediate rather than to go into constant self doubt.
I set goals of living in healthier ways. That no longer means I abandon myself totally to trying to save someone else.
Maresie.
I think its great you are reading here and relating to others, that's a great start. Your also looking at whats good for you and making some decisions about what you want and standing up for yourself, this is really good. I think if you want that courage to take action to improve your situation whether leaving or staying the alanon meetings would really help, there you will get that face to face support and literature you can study. Its not easy making changes and there is real solid help out there for everyone to access. Give yourself that support and help you deserve it.