My AW and I are moving towards divorce. I believe it is the best thing I can do for myself now. Last week's incident ( some of you saw my other post) was an extreme display of the constant badness that runs in our relationship. My wife is truly a wonderful person but also disturbed in many ways. She also suffers from a chronic illness which, while not super severe has caused havoc on her physically, emotionally and has insidiously impacted our entire lives. 

In spite of being mistreated, ignored, undermined and viewed with general disgust I tried to hang in. For over ten years so this is not a hasty decision for me and I've gone through heartbreak many times as I thought out marriage was going over the cliff. I pretty much was done when I started Al-Anon this winter and then had even greater understanding of how bad our relationship was. The closest she has come to seeking help was when she went to AA for a few months. She quit and has continued drinking. 

Nothing has changed. I am done and she made it clear she was too. Now she has changed her mind. She is bombarding me with messages of love and reconciliation. She is completely beside herself with fear and anguish over yet another person abandoning her. She has few friends and none that she trusts enough to talk her through this. She keeps begging me not to end it. Asking if I'm sure. 

I'm sticking to the plan but the guilt is building. She is truly like a heartbroken little girl who never recovered from the utter devastation of her own parents' divorce and their abuse of their kids. Even though I know this breakup is the natural consequences of everything that happened before I still feel like I'm just kicking this sad hurt lonely little girl. It makes me sick. 

Hi westman, I have followed your posts and its such a hard time, and you are doing amazing! I am in the process of separating from my AH at the moment too. We have a 3 year old daughter and our marital decline was long and things came to an ugly head for us as well. He is doing everything he can to push for reconciliation- it is painful to see the person I love fighting against the distressing end he created. It is heartbreaking and painful. I try and remember we are driven by the need to rescue and fix - and those feelings, while incredibly strong and powerful are not love! And also, how totally broken things are and how they will never fit back together. I am just sharing that for me, 3 months in, I am stronger and continue to see why I am fleeing my relationship. In time when there are small cracks in his kind facade, my AH reveals that he is the same and simply trying to persuade me and make me believe things are different Without doing the work. Be strong! Either way get some space from the situation, you truly deserve that at the very least. 

I'm sorry it's came to this for you both. It's a horrible disease. I also ended it despite all the reasons why it was such a sad thing for him and there was many. I got to the point where I had had enough. I couldn't live a moment longer with his drinking in the driver seat. I actually felt like if I continue with this it will be the same s*** over and over for another 20 yrs. For What? I couldn't change him or make him better. He was holding tightly to all the sob stories the begging crying etc because all that had always worked. He had such power and when I took the power back wow he didn't like that one but and he pulled out the big guns the old poor me i had a terrible childhood crap in an attempt to get his way. What was his way though? For me it was me giving up any chance of a life with happiness or peace or joy because these things were of no interest to him. He wanted to drink with the least disruption or opposition possible so I was to shut up and get to like it. No. I left and he wallowed for a while then when no-one was around to watch he got sober and has been since and good luck to him. I'm working on my own emotional sobriety so I've got enough to do. I hope you see through the little girl lost act and make the choices that are good for you.

Aloha Westman and Ugh I say and I have been there also I say too.  I've divorced twice both from the disease of addiction with the second one being a game changer for me.  I learned a lot because of the program and the fellowship which gathered around me and shared their awesome spiritual ESH and who responded to my questions "Can you please help me"?  as I was taking the Al-Anon suggestion of "If you keep and open mind you will find help..."  I did it program way and not my way  and it was like I was back in NASA working in the next launch...which kinda sorta made sense.  Working with a truly inspirational sponsor who allowed me grace and compassion to do the suggestions the best way I could and then keep coming back for more instruction.  The consequence after the divorce and then the split was my now ex-wife and I were truly in love without having a reason to be married which is where we should have started at.

Ask for help from the experiences of other members...specially guys in the program and see how much you can learn before making the choice.   Good luck to you and your wife...I know how she feels also.   ((((hugs))))  

I got back from the ER a few hours ago. I had taken my son to a weekly game night at some friend's house when calls started coming through. Cell reception there is poor and I didn't get them until almost an hour later, my mother-in-law imploring me to come home immediately. By the time I called the ambulance was already on the way to the hospital. My wife had gotten drunk and possibly taken pills, most likely benzodiazepines. I went to see her and I could barely stand it. I used to work in that ER. I spent many hours in the same room she was in. Her nurse is a friend of mine. I am only on about 3 hours of sleep in the last 38 or so and trying to speak with him and the doctor I could barely form coherent sentences.

Earlier today my AW's sister called me, concerned. My wife had finally called her and her sister floated the idea that my wife go stay with her for a couple weeks out of state and let things settle a little bit. I was fine with this. I didn't tell the sister anything that has been going on, all she knew was that divorce is impending. I tried to place principles over personalities. My wife messaged me and said she also wanted to take our youngest. I was so tempted. I wanted to avoid conflict or hurting her feelings and just say "ok." My mind gave me several rationales for why it would be ok. She loves the kids, she's never hurt them before, etc. But something inside me clearly said "No." So I messaged back that I was not ok with taking her out of state. She replied with a couple irritated messages but finished on discussing later. I planned to stand firm. No kids leave the state, that is a boundary that I won't back off on until a judge tells me otherwise.

My wife did this with both of our daughters, one of their friends and her mother in the house. My mother-in-law kept the kids safe and occupied with a movie. Now, I must make the s**ty decision to request full custody. I'm not sure what else to do. This endangered our kids and someone else's. I'm going to try to sleep for awhile, your continued suggestions and prayers are appreciated.

-Westman

Spoke with my wife by phone yesterday several times. She was admitted to the psych unit. I was so angry. Still am I guess. She's minimizing what happened. Says she doesn't remember. Talks about how much she loves the kids blah blah blah.

I had to fill her in on how she came into the room where the kids were watching a movie and had our 9 year old daughter dancing with her. I was out with our son and didn't know any of this. She then fell over crashing into some stuff. When my daughter was telling me this she then looked at the ground and said "...and that scared me." 

My wife is crying because she feels I'm yelling at her. Maybe I am but I am trying to get through to her how serious this is. 

Thank you for all the kind and wise words. I'm not getting much from the unit. No contact except from my wife. I'm getting a good lesson in being powerless here. She might possibly be released today. I'm super scared about it. I don't want her to come home. I will be filing a restraining order but courts are closed for Columbus day. I didn't like Columbus before but now I really hate that guy. 

My wife told me that I'm supposed to go in to the hospital today to talk to someone. I don't know what about. If anyone has experience with this I would love to hear it. Can I request she be held another day? I was told they may be able to help me with a temporary restraining order but I'm not counting on that. Ugh this is hard but I know some of you have been through worse and made it. 

When I think about this program my heart is filled with so much gratitude that I stepped through that door. I can imagine how much worse off me and my family would be if I didn't have this. I still don't know much about the Higher Power. I've just tried to keep an open mind but I think there must be something to it and the realization is more powerful than this overwhelming situation. 

The hardest part has been seeing the kids struggle with her absence. They are acting out in various ways depending on their ages. It breaks my heart but I just remember that they are safe. 

As we are apart her disease becomes more apparent. She takes zero responsibility for anything. I've never seen her quite like this but I think it was there under the surface. She is upset after I sent her copies of the forms detailing her behavior. Which is understandable. But she's also begun making low level veiled threats. One friend got ahold of me to let me know she had made some statements regarding my sexuality. This did not surprise me. That is her easy target. 

hello westman

read thru todays posts and so many things went thru my head in hindsite in my dealings with alchies.   turning 60 dec and lately in a reflective mood.  I totally sympathize with what you are going thru.   I got lost in all the drama for many years.   basically I lost myself.  when I found alanon it was like ppl speaking a foreign language for a while.  looking back now....I regret all the years of my life I wasted rotating myself around alchies......there drama's, taking on most of the responsibilities of their lives, ect ect.....the influence it all had my son....we worked opposite shifts so he had his exposure to it all while I worked.....he ended up being alchie and drug addict and died of it all at 32.  the powerful influence a stable home life has vs an alchie home life.   I never understood the concept of.....no one is safe being around an alchie.....until I was well away from it all.    it affects a person on all levels.....physical health and safety, mental wellness and spiritual well being.   if she wasn't your wife......would you have her around the kids?   alchie is alchi friend, family or other.   she coulda fell over on daughter, fell into something that fell on her and injured her...put her in a car and drove impaired......its hard to step back and see the big picture of it all when in the middle of it all.   I used to point the finger onto the alchie in stuff and reasonably so.....it took some time to see my part in it. for all the dramas I went thru.....I either allowed it, invited it in my life, or encouraged it.....

Just took my oldest two kids to their first Al-Ateen meeting.

Ok I was nervous taking them in but they really really liked it and want to return. We were all so relaxed and even having fun on the drive home.