I feel like this is a vicious circle where I use my tools, deal with what comes my way with my AH and then things settle down and I get lulled in to thinking I can stay and I can deal with this life. Then I feel blindsided and I feel like I drop my tool box and everything gets scattered and lost. I have to stop and pick up all my tools and decide what I am going to do instead of just totally losing my mind. But it is just a rinse and repeat. It all circles back around again.
Right now I feel so much that I am more a part of the problem than I am any sort of solution. I want so badly to talk this out with him, but that doesnt work. I know it doesnt. I feel like any sort of relationship that is going to be worth anything requires communication but the rules are so different with an alcoholic relationship. The earth seems to spin backwards and it is often very confusing and difficult to determine the best course of action (or inaction!). I knew things were going too well. Controlled drinking is not doing it anymore. It was nice for a few days to feel normal. To let my defenses down and just lean in to him and our relationship. I thanked him for all he has been doing around the house and for me lately. It was nice to be able to depend on him. But, in one evening that can all change. I feel alone and discarded.
I start to say, he needs to do this or that and then I realize I have NO IDEA what he needs to do. I cannot begin to figure out what is best for him. And its not my job to do so. I need to figure out what I need to do and the best course for me. I cannot control, cure or cause his drinking. I cannot control what happens to him because of his drinking.
So, I will read my literature, find a therapist and start putting my trust back with my HP where it belongs. I will do some internal reflecting on my own habits and ideas and character defects. I will put things back together for myself.
Thanks for letting me rant.
-- Edited by Bethany66 on Friday 6th of October 2017 02:29:38 PM
Iamhere said
Oct 6, 2017
(((Hugs))) Bethany - I can so, so relate to much of what you've written. We are also having some chaos and I've been backing off as best I can looking to pick up tools, use them, understand my part and work on me. I can really relate to the 'discarded' feeling. I've spent much of today trying to decide what it is I am really feeling and that word fits well.
Sending you positive thoughts and prayers - and thank you for your share. I feel less alone!
Maresie25 said
Oct 6, 2017
For me personally I have totally unrealistic expectations of any alcoholic. I expect them to be reasonable, caring and want to do their part. In general, my experience of them is a relationship is pretty one sided.
For me that is the crux of the matter. I keep trying to make them "see me".
While I know the tools are incredibly difficult to use and keep sharp I find them very very useful in all areas of my life.
I try to be realistic these days about where I am, who I am dealing with. Most of all I try to be very very clear what my limits are.
I know I threw my limits away with the bathwater all the time.
Being in a relationship with an alcoholic is very seductive. At times, they can appear to be "there". They can appear to be warm, loving and kind.
Maybe they are some of the time. The chaos and the unsettling nature of their disease often make it hard to be anyway solid around them.
Life on life's terms is a pretty hard dilemma. I didn't give myself credit for that before. I felt I was always eager to be superwoman to make a relationship "work".
I don't think I had any idea what making a relationship with an alcoholic would involve. That is a relationship on any level, be it co worker, friend, family member of spouse.
I find them all extremely difficult. There is nothing like, of course trying to be in an intimate relationship with an alcoholic.
Nevertheless I have found being around any active addict/alcoholic a really big deal.
I feel like this is a vicious circle where I use my tools, deal with what comes my way with my AH and then things settle down and I get lulled in to thinking I can stay and I can deal with this life. Then I feel blindsided and I feel like I drop my tool box and everything gets scattered and lost. I have to stop and pick up all my tools and decide what I am going to do instead of just totally losing my mind. But it is just a rinse and repeat. It all circles back around again.
Right now I feel so much that I am more a part of the problem than I am any sort of solution. I want so badly to talk this out with him, but that doesnt work. I know it doesnt. I feel like any sort of relationship that is going to be worth anything requires communication but the rules are so different with an alcoholic relationship. The earth seems to spin backwards and it is often very confusing and difficult to determine the best course of action (or inaction!). I knew things were going too well. Controlled drinking is not doing it anymore. It was nice for a few days to feel normal. To let my defenses down and just lean in to him and our relationship. I thanked him for all he has been doing around the house and for me lately. It was nice to be able to depend on him. But, in one evening that can all change. I feel alone and discarded.
I start to say, he needs to do this or that and then I realize I have NO IDEA what he needs to do. I cannot begin to figure out what is best for him. And its not my job to do so. I need to figure out what I need to do and the best course for me. I cannot control, cure or cause his drinking. I cannot control what happens to him because of his drinking.
So, I will read my literature, find a therapist and start putting my trust back with my HP where it belongs. I will do some internal reflecting on my own habits and ideas and character defects. I will put things back together for myself.
Thanks for letting me rant.
-- Edited by Bethany66 on Friday 6th of October 2017 02:29:38 PM
Sending you positive thoughts and prayers - and thank you for your share. I feel less alone!
For me personally I have totally unrealistic expectations of any alcoholic. I expect them to be reasonable, caring and want to do their part. In general, my experience of them is a relationship is pretty one sided.
For me that is the crux of the matter. I keep trying to make them "see me".
While I know the tools are incredibly difficult to use and keep sharp I find them very very useful in all areas of my life.
I try to be realistic these days about where I am, who I am dealing with. Most of all I try to be very very clear what my limits are.
I know I threw my limits away with the bathwater all the time.
Being in a relationship with an alcoholic is very seductive. At times, they can appear to be "there". They can appear to be warm, loving and kind.
Maybe they are some of the time. The chaos and the unsettling nature of their disease often make it hard to be anyway solid around them.
Life on life's terms is a pretty hard dilemma. I didn't give myself credit for that before. I felt I was always eager to be superwoman to make a relationship "work".
I don't think I had any idea what making a relationship with an alcoholic would involve. That is a relationship on any level, be it co worker, friend, family member of spouse.
I find them all extremely difficult. There is nothing like, of course trying to be in an intimate relationship with an alcoholic.
Nevertheless I have found being around any active addict/alcoholic a really big deal.
Maresie.