Hi. Sorry to barge in here but I really feel like there is nowhere to talk about this. My boyfriend is food addict and media addict. His food is mostly under control but I feel he is constantly judging me because I am not super thin. I am happy with myself and my body and I am far from obese. I am also not tiny. He does not say it but then on one hand he buys me really fatty foods even though I told him to stop and on another is critical that I eat it. I had some losses in family which did result in me gaining weight but I am currently working on returning to what is normal for me. I have dated many people at many sizes and have never felt so judged for my weight as by a person who is himself struggling. It is so unfair. I have two kids I am raising mostly by myself and for a while me and boyfriend were talking marriage. I feel horrible now. I don't know how to explain this to them. He has not responded to me for days which is what he uses to punish me. What is really insane here is that I am not that big and I am far more physically active then him. I love this man and I thought he loved me but last few months have been out of hand.
Skorpi said
Oct 5, 2017
(((mandymott)))
I am sorry that you are feeling this way and experiencing such behavior.
I would ask you to think about a couple things: Do you think your boyfriend's behavior is acceptable? Do you think it is normal to not reply to a significant other for several days? Is your boyfriends behavior acceptable to you? Is that the kind of relationship you want to have in your life?
You are the only one who can decide what is right for you, and I found in AlAnon the support I needed to answer questions like the ones I asked and the strength to take action and set boundaries when I was ready. One thing I learned early on is that I cannot control the actions of another person, so I need to focus my attention on the person I can influence and control - myself. Putting myself first, taking care of my needs first, was a hard thing to learn to do, and I am still working on getting better at it. It is also very worthwhile because I can not be fully present with others (family, friends, children, pets) when I am running on emotional and spiritual empty.
You might consider a face-to-face meeting in your local community. There is a lot of wisdom and strength to be gained from attending meetings.
tiredtonite said
Oct 5, 2017
Hi Mandy,
Welcome and thanks for sharing. I agree with skorpi that Alanon meetings might help you find answers for your present life and future. One thing we say in the Alanon program concerning decisions is "When in doubt, don't." Alanon also suggests giving the program a try for at least six months before making any life altering decisions. The program helps us to identify what we are feeling and to make choices that honor ourselves based on self love. You sound like a person who is good with who you are but perhaps what you're being told by your bf is causing you to question your self image. I hope you'll join us at in person Alanon meetings in your community, online meetings here and will continue to come to this board for "unconditional" love and acceptance. (((hugs))) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Thursday 5th of October 2017 08:37:08 AM
mandymott said
Oct 5, 2017
Thank you so much for your kind words. i am not sure where to go in terms of meetings and frankly i don't want to run into him there. I would feel like a stalker.
Maresie25 said
Oct 5, 2017
There are online meetings here.
I have been around men who said very cruel things to me one minute and compliments the next. They did supposedly nice things that were actually designed to derail me.
That kind of behavior is very disturbing.
I can also understand your time is very limited because you are raising two children.
The meetings here might be a place to start from. They are run pretty regularly. There is also a chat room here where you can go and just 'be".
I have had my own food issues. I have had to gradually let go of certain foods I love. I did not go to a 12 step program to deal with that. I went to a nutrition studies group that encouraged me to
substitute healthy things for previously unhealthy foods.
There are many different methods of recovery. Al anon is a very useful one because the program is everywhere. The tools are very very useful regardless of who you are dealing with but particularly in intimate relationships.
You are reaching out and looking for ways to relate. You are taking a critical look at your relationship. Those are all good measures.
Recovery is not achieved in one day. There is a long process involved. Eventually over time and practice generally things improve for much of us.
Sometimes we do not get to take our partners with us. There are lots of people who do stay with a partner too and they manage to make their own lives better regardless of their partner's behavior.
Freetime said
Oct 5, 2017
Hi Mandy,
From your description, it doesn't seem likely that you would run into your boyfriend at an Al-Anon meeting. You might find meetings useful even though the problem is not alcoholism, because the principles apply to anything that we don't have control over.
Meetings are a great place to listen, learn, realize you are not alone, and begin to understand how people have found serenity no matter what other people in their lives are doing.
Best wishes, there is hope!
mandymott said
Oct 6, 2017
Thank you all. He is recovering alcoholic and I am afraid he relapsed. I have never seen him in that state so I don't know but current situation is so beyond his normal behavior that I can't think what else may be happening.
Mattie said
Oct 7, 2017
Welcome. Al-Anon meetings are for those with alcoholics in their lives, rather than for alcoholics. So it's unlikely you would meet him at an Al-Anon meeting unless they are run next to an AA meeting (those are for alcoholics).
It does sound like the kind of dysfunctional behavior that can come out stronger than usual under the influence of drink. Not good. I do hope you can get to a meeting - we all need support when faced with situations like these. Hugs.
mandymott said
Oct 7, 2017
I am fairly new to all this is al-anon for families of folk affected by any addiction or just alcohol? Thank you all who are taking time to reply. I was just googling some stuff when I landed here - I don't know much. I did look at the articles about it but still getting clear on the actual structure. He is now going around and telling people I am crazy which is I think to defend himself if we break up but it is ruining my reputation in the community. I have never had anything like this happen before. I don't want it to affect my children.
Hi. Sorry to barge in here but I really feel like there is nowhere to talk about this. My boyfriend is food addict and media addict. His food is mostly under control but I feel he is constantly judging me because I am not super thin. I am happy with myself and my body and I am far from obese. I am also not tiny. He does not say it but then on one hand he buys me really fatty foods even though I told him to stop and on another is critical that I eat it. I had some losses in family which did result in me gaining weight but I am currently working on returning to what is normal for me. I have dated many people at many sizes and have never felt so judged for my weight as by a person who is himself struggling. It is so unfair. I have two kids I am raising mostly by myself and for a while me and boyfriend were talking marriage. I feel horrible now. I don't know how to explain this to them. He has not responded to me for days which is what he uses to punish me. What is really insane here is that I am not that big and I am far more physically active then him. I love this man and I thought he loved me but last few months have been out of hand.
I am sorry that you are feeling this way and experiencing such behavior.
I would ask you to think about a couple things: Do you think your boyfriend's behavior is acceptable? Do you think it is normal to not reply to a significant other for several days? Is your boyfriends behavior acceptable to you? Is that the kind of relationship you want to have in your life?
You are the only one who can decide what is right for you, and I found in AlAnon the support I needed to answer questions like the ones I asked and the strength to take action and set boundaries when I was ready. One thing I learned early on is that I cannot control the actions of another person, so I need to focus my attention on the person I can influence and control - myself. Putting myself first, taking care of my needs first, was a hard thing to learn to do, and I am still working on getting better at it. It is also very worthwhile because I can not be fully present with others (family, friends, children, pets) when I am running on emotional and spiritual empty.
You might consider a face-to-face meeting in your local community. There is a lot of wisdom and strength to be gained from attending meetings.
Hi Mandy,
Welcome and thanks for sharing. I agree with skorpi that Alanon meetings might help you find answers for your present life and future. One thing we say in the Alanon program concerning decisions is "When in doubt, don't." Alanon also suggests giving the program a try for at least six months before making any life altering decisions. The program helps us to identify what we are feeling and to make choices that honor ourselves based on self love. You sound like a person who is good with who you are but perhaps what you're being told by your bf is causing you to question your self image. I hope you'll join us at in person Alanon meetings in your community, online meetings here and will continue to come to this board for "unconditional" love and acceptance. (((hugs))) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Thursday 5th of October 2017 08:37:08 AM
There are online meetings here.
I have been around men who said very cruel things to me one minute and compliments the next. They did supposedly nice things that were actually designed to derail me.
That kind of behavior is very disturbing.
I can also understand your time is very limited because you are raising two children.
The meetings here might be a place to start from. They are run pretty regularly. There is also a chat room here where you can go and just 'be".
I have had my own food issues. I have had to gradually let go of certain foods I love. I did not go to a 12 step program to deal with that. I went to a nutrition studies group that encouraged me to
substitute healthy things for previously unhealthy foods.
There are many different methods of recovery. Al anon is a very useful one because the program is everywhere. The tools are very very useful regardless of who you are dealing with but particularly in intimate relationships.
You are reaching out and looking for ways to relate. You are taking a critical look at your relationship. Those are all good measures.
Recovery is not achieved in one day. There is a long process involved. Eventually over time and practice generally things improve for much of us.
Sometimes we do not get to take our partners with us. There are lots of people who do stay with a partner too and they manage to make their own lives better regardless of their partner's behavior.
From your description, it doesn't seem likely that you would run into your boyfriend at an Al-Anon meeting. You might find meetings useful even though the problem is not alcoholism, because the principles apply to anything that we don't have control over.
Here is a link to search for meetings in the US/Canada -- just enter your city or nearby cities to find meeting schedules.
al-anon.info/MtgSearch/Al-AnonMeetings.aspx
Or if you are in another country, here is the worldwide page: al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/worldwide-al-anon-contacts/
Meetings are a great place to listen, learn, realize you are not alone, and begin to understand how people have found serenity no matter what other people in their lives are doing.
Best wishes, there is hope!
Welcome. Al-Anon meetings are for those with alcoholics in their lives, rather than for alcoholics. So it's unlikely you would meet him at an Al-Anon meeting unless they are run next to an AA meeting (those are for alcoholics).
It does sound like the kind of dysfunctional behavior that can come out stronger than usual under the influence of drink. Not good. I do hope you can get to a meeting - we all need support when faced with situations like these. Hugs.