For the past 2 years, I knew that my wife had a drinking problem... although, I have just recently realised that it is much bigger than that... 2-3 bottles of wine per day.
We have been married for 24 years in just under 2 weeks time and have been together for almost 32 years and have three children (Son - 22, Daughters 21 & 17). I love my wife dearly and we have both said in the past that we are sole-mates (being childhood sweethearts), but I am struggling to deal with her drinking.
My wife recently went on a joint work/family related trip two weeks ago and has only been back home for a week. Whilst she was away several family members addressed her drinking and she said that she had an awakening one of the nights, although still continued to get drunk every single night she was away.
She avoided calling me in the evenings as she knew that I would pick-up on her being drunk, which is very out of character for her, as she normally calls me every night. I knew something was wrong... especially, as she was starting to lie and deceive me more and more about her drinking prior to her trip.
On her return she advised me that wanted to work things out and that she wanted to get her drinking under control... although this hasn't happened as she has drank on 4 of the last 7 nights she has been back... getting completely drunk on 2 occasions.
It is very difficult for me to understand what she is going through as I am not much of drinker myself and I have to admit that I don't always deal with these situations very well. Unfortunately, I have no-one that I can talk to about how to deal with these situations when she gets drunk as she gets very angry and aggressive towards me.
We talk when she is not drunk and she says that I am doing the majority of things right, although when she gets drunk she then says the opposite... I am so confused.
I have found an Al-anon meeting that I could attend but unfortunately the next meeting is not until next Monday (unable to go last night as it was my oldest daughters 21st birthday yesterday). A lot can happen in 6 days when living with an A... Is there anyone that I can telephone to get advice on dealing with my AW when she is drunk?
I really want our marriage to work, but when she is drunk she just gets aggressive (verbally, not physically) and threatens me with leaving every single time - I am now wondering whether this is how she really feels or is it just the drink doing the talking for her. Like every marriage we have had our ups and downs over the years, although generally we have been very happy until this disease has shown its ugly face.
I am not coping very well at the moment and just seem to dealing with every situation badly...
Skorpi said
Oct 3, 2017
Welcome Dazcreed.
Alcoholism is a progressive, deadly disease, and living with an active alcoholic without support is too much for many people.
I am glad that you found a local face-to-face meeting, and I hope that you will attend. Face-to-face meetings were very helpful to me in dealing with my wife and her disease of alcoholism.
Seeing alcoholism as a disease was very helpful to me, because I could separate the words and actions of my wife, whom I loved, from the words and actions brought on by the disease. Personally, I refused to engage in any conversations or discussions with her while she was drinking. "Let me think about that" and "Let's talk about this tomorrow." became my go-to statements when she was drinking or drunk. She didn't like hearing those statements, but she also didn't remember being mad most mornings.
MIP has meetings twice a day. MIP virtual meetings are at 9 am and 9 pm, eastern time M-F. Additional meetings available on the weekends. You can find the meeting schedule here: www.12stepforums.net/schedule.html
There is a national hotline as well that you can call any time: 800-344-2666
When you go to your first Alanon meeting, hopefully you will receive a call list with your newcomers packet of local AlAnon members you can call if you need to talk.
Keep coming back. I have found AlAnon to be very helpful in my own marriage.
Lyne said
Oct 3, 2017
Welcome To MIP-I can relate so clearly to your share, unfortunate for both of us. I am with my spouse 26 years next week and I didn't know she had a drinking problem until about 12 years ago. I was devastated and became obsessed with getting her to change. None of my efforts worked, she promised she wouldn't drink anymore, and as you may find out, lying and sneaking are part of the disease. I became depressed, enraged, and slipped into my own deep hole of despair, confusion, and anxiety. Alanon helped me through my dark days, and now 4 years later, I am stronger and happier, and my spouse has been sober for 5 months. Everyone's experience is different yet very much the same. Give Alanon a try. It can be a life-changing experience, Lyne
Dazcreed said
Oct 3, 2017
Thank-you both Skorpi & Lyne... for the hope you have given me with your responses.
I have almost read everything on MIP tonight in search for answers (experiences) in relation to my situation with AW and started to get deeply depressed by the lack of positive outcomes associated with this disease and relationships.
I couldn't see that light at the end of the tunnel, that glimmer of hope... every marriage ended in separation. That is not what I want for my marriage.
So I decided to post a topic (my experience/situation) to see if anyone could relate... and my first 2 responses could relate directly to my situation, but even more important to me was that they both appeared to be still with their partners... now that gives me hope.
The one thing that I have learnt tonight (in Australia) was that I cannot do this alone. So, I will be going to that F2F meeting next Monday and visiting and sharing my experiences in the future
Thank-you all for your support.
-- Edited by Dazcreed on Tuesday 3rd of October 2017 08:39:59 AM
Iamhere said
Oct 3, 2017
Hello Dazcreed - I too welcome you to MIP. I met and married my AH in AA, and we have 2 boys, ages 25 and 23. Between their births, he relapsed and never got sober again. We are still together and when both of my sons got active in the disease, I thought I would loose my mind and found Al-Anon.
There has been ups, downs, sideways and more yet we've stayed together as well. I can honestly say that Al-Anon saved me, my life, my sanity and our marriage. I wanted so many times to just walk away yet fundamentally I knew that a part of me would deeply regret that choice. What I found in Al-Anon through the steps is I am a runner and have been one to walk away when things get tough. I've changed friends, jobs, close family allies, houses, men, etc. instead of trying to resolve issues - I give up, throw in the towel and turn tail.
The program helped me understand me better as an individual and what about me has me 'react' as I do. I am the gal who if two people are talking in a corner, I assume it must be about me and is probably not good. That's the why my brain is wired and it's not sane thinking. Al-Anon gave me the gift of pause, long enough to have at least another thought that says, "Wait a minute....it's not about you, and even if so, what does it matter?" Al-Anon has taught me that I and all others are imperfect people living in an imperfect world doing the best we can with what we have - I have more some days than others as do others.
I too have specific boundaries about discussions with active addiction. I detach as quickly and as kindly as I can. Where I am today is all related to Al-Anon recovery and things have improved greatly. Good on you that you've already found a meeting - make your plan and give it a try. It was suggested to me to attend with an open mind and look for the similarities instead of the differences - that really helped me tons so I pass it on to you.
Keep coming back - you are not alone. This disease is too much for one alone but together, sharing ESH, there is power in numbers...Hope and help are always available in recovery.
WestMan said
Oct 3, 2017
Welcome Dazcreed. Sorry you are going through this. It is tough no matter what. My suggestion is don't beat yourself up. You didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it and you can't Control it. Nearly all of us have tried in various ways and only succeeded in making things worse. The good news is once I realized this truth I was able to find a little peace because I was then able to start putting my focus on someone I did have control over. Me.
Another suggestion is if she is getting aggressive you need to be careful. Don't engage in arguments with a drunk person and don't retaliate if she goes over the line. Remove yourself if you have to.
Dazcreed said
Oct 4, 2017
Thanks for all you responses and encouragement... it appears that I have a long hard road ahead of me.
This morning my AW woke up (her birthday) as if nothing happened last night. Not even sure if she remembers any of it, but I won't be addressing last night as I don't want to spoil her special day.
Although, I do sense that she knows something is bothering me as I do find it hard to put on a happy face when I am feeling sad. That is what I am looking for from these F2F meetings is the ability to detach myself from feeling the way I do at the moment because it feels terrible! Up until this disease took a stranglehold of my AW, we were an extremely close family, both as a couple and as a family with the kids... and that is what I am struggling with. My 2 oldest kids are moving out of home at the moment and I am sure that their mothers drinking has a bit to do with this, but is not the sole reason for them moving out.
I am gutted that not only has my own relationship with my AW deteriorated, but my relationship with my kids has also suffered. I have this never ending knot in my stomach and can't stop thinking of how are we going to get through this phase of our lives... it is affecting every aspect of my life. I see very little hope for improvement as my AW has stated that they "have a problem" but has also stated that they don't think it is bad enough to seek any help. She has told me that I need to attend these meetings so I can get my head straight. Whenever she drinks she says that it is me and the way I deal with things (I do have a short fuse at times) that drives her to drinking... but I really think that no matter what I do, she will always find some kind of excuse why she needs a drink. Last night she said that "she needed to have a drink because of the way I acted 2 days ago".
Oh, by the way, I managed to find another Al-anon meeting tomorrow night, which I will be attending. It is a bit out of the way from my home, but I can't wait until Monday... I going to try and attend both meetings.
Thanks for listening to what I have to say... it is good to get it off my chest!!!
Aline said
Oct 4, 2017
Hi, Dazcreed, its great you are planning to come to f2f meetings, I have found great support in the fellowship. As for the whole "I drink because you did X" - that's alcohol speaking. In Alanon we learn the 3 Cs: we didn't Cause it, we can't Control it and we can't Cure it. I've been in the program for close to a year now, but it is only recently that I'm beginning to accept the truth in these words. I mean, they gave me relief from the start, but thinking back I can really see - nothing I ever did made any long-term changes in another person, unless that person was willingly embracing whatever it was of their own free will. I tried to "help control" my A's drinking for a long time and it only got worse, and we both got sicker. Now I'm beginning to really accept this. I think that the blaming thing is just a defence mechanism of the disease - deny, deflect, project, anything to trick themselves to continue drinking. Because if someone "causes" them to drink, then "its not their fault" and its not their responsibility to do anything about it either. Just my thoughts/experience, this might not be quite true for every person. Keep coming back!
Skorpi said
Oct 4, 2017
Dazcreed, so glad you found a meeting that is so soon! I found it helpful to attend several meetings before deciding on my home group. Each meeting is different, and they all have a different feel to them. I notice that my home group is different depending on who is in the room.
One thing I did/do that helps me stay sane was focus on one day at a time. I drove myself nuts thinking about what was going to happen in a year, in five years, etc. I could make craziness happen when I thought into the future. It was really helpful to me to focus on today, keep my attention on what was going on today, what needed to happen today, what was and was not acceptable to me today, and what my next logical step was. Focusing on just the next logical thing released me from predicting the future and worrying about it, or trying to control it. And it helped me to stay focused on what I needed to do for myself (and my pets) each day. It gave me permission to let my wife make her own decisions, and let her deal with her own natural consequences, because I was not trying to make any particular future happen.
Keep coming back
Iamhere said
Oct 4, 2017
Good on you Dazcreed for seeking out a 'sooner meeting'....Like Skorpi suggests, it did also help me greatly to stay in the here/now - One Day at a Time. I would literally talk to myself in my head and say, What can I do in this moment on this day for me/my sanity. The answers varied from find a meeting, pray, take a walk, read, literature, MIP, etc.
I had spent a lifetime living in the past or in the future and rarely considered the now. This disease has a way of sucking the life out of us and driving us to focus on all that is wrong. I had to make a real effort to start changing my thinking through action - simple action - gratitude lists, asset lists, etc. If you have grown children that are moving out, you've done well! They are confident in their ability to be independent. Whatever their reasons are for departing, celebrate who they are/have become. I really had to look at what was in front of me, and find the good in it - as that's how life is supposed to be.
I was raised to be a huge planner and a control freak. It served me well until it did not. I learned in recovery to stay in this day and that planning was OK so long as I did not plan the outcome/results. Breathe in and be gentle with you for today and let us know how the meeting goes. It took me a couple meetings to find my 'tribe' yet I now wouldn't change them for the world. Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way!
For the past 2 years, I knew that my wife had a drinking problem... although, I have just recently realised that it is much bigger than that... 2-3 bottles of wine per day.
We have been married for 24 years in just under 2 weeks time and have been together for almost 32 years and have three children (Son - 22, Daughters 21 & 17). I love my wife dearly and we have both said in the past that we are sole-mates (being childhood sweethearts), but I am struggling to deal with her drinking.
My wife recently went on a joint work/family related trip two weeks ago and has only been back home for a week. Whilst she was away several family members addressed her drinking and she said that she had an awakening one of the nights, although still continued to get drunk every single night she was away.
She avoided calling me in the evenings as she knew that I would pick-up on her being drunk, which is very out of character for her, as she normally calls me every night. I knew something was wrong... especially, as she was starting to lie and deceive me more and more about her drinking prior to her trip.
On her return she advised me that wanted to work things out and that she wanted to get her drinking under control... although this hasn't happened as she has drank on 4 of the last 7 nights she has been back... getting completely drunk on 2 occasions.
It is very difficult for me to understand what she is going through as I am not much of drinker myself and I have to admit that I don't always deal with these situations very well. Unfortunately, I have no-one that I can talk to about how to deal with these situations when she gets drunk as she gets very angry and aggressive towards me.
We talk when she is not drunk and she says that I am doing the majority of things right, although when she gets drunk she then says the opposite... I am so confused.
I have found an Al-anon meeting that I could attend but unfortunately the next meeting is not until next Monday (unable to go last night as it was my oldest daughters 21st birthday yesterday). A lot can happen in 6 days when living with an A... Is there anyone that I can telephone to get advice on dealing with my AW when she is drunk?
I really want our marriage to work, but when she is drunk she just gets aggressive (verbally, not physically) and threatens me with leaving every single time - I am now wondering whether this is how she really feels or is it just the drink doing the talking for her. Like every marriage we have had our ups and downs over the years, although generally we have been very happy until this disease has shown its ugly face.
I am not coping very well at the moment and just seem to dealing with every situation badly...
Alcoholism is a progressive, deadly disease, and living with an active alcoholic without support is too much for many people.
I am glad that you found a local face-to-face meeting, and I hope that you will attend. Face-to-face meetings were very helpful to me in dealing with my wife and her disease of alcoholism.
Seeing alcoholism as a disease was very helpful to me, because I could separate the words and actions of my wife, whom I loved, from the words and actions brought on by the disease. Personally, I refused to engage in any conversations or discussions with her while she was drinking. "Let me think about that" and "Let's talk about this tomorrow." became my go-to statements when she was drinking or drunk. She didn't like hearing those statements, but she also didn't remember being mad most mornings.
MIP has meetings twice a day. MIP virtual meetings are at 9 am and 9 pm, eastern time M-F. Additional meetings available on the weekends. You can find the meeting schedule here: www.12stepforums.net/schedule.html
There is a national hotline as well that you can call any time: 800-344-2666
When you go to your first Alanon meeting, hopefully you will receive a call list with your newcomers packet of local AlAnon members you can call if you need to talk.
Keep coming back. I have found AlAnon to be very helpful in my own marriage.
Thank-you both Skorpi & Lyne... for the hope you have given me with your responses.
I have almost read everything on MIP tonight in search for answers (experiences) in relation to my situation with AW and started to get deeply depressed by the lack of positive outcomes associated with this disease and relationships.
I couldn't see that light at the end of the tunnel, that glimmer of hope... every marriage ended in separation. That is not what I want for my marriage.
So I decided to post a topic (my experience/situation) to see if anyone could relate... and my first 2 responses could relate directly to my situation, but even more important to me was that they both appeared to be still with their partners... now that gives me hope.
The one thing that I have learnt tonight (in Australia) was that I cannot do this alone. So, I will be going to that F2F meeting next Monday and visiting and sharing my experiences in the future
Thank-you all for your support.
-- Edited by Dazcreed on Tuesday 3rd of October 2017 08:39:59 AM
There has been ups, downs, sideways and more yet we've stayed together as well. I can honestly say that Al-Anon saved me, my life, my sanity and our marriage. I wanted so many times to just walk away yet fundamentally I knew that a part of me would deeply regret that choice. What I found in Al-Anon through the steps is I am a runner and have been one to walk away when things get tough. I've changed friends, jobs, close family allies, houses, men, etc. instead of trying to resolve issues - I give up, throw in the towel and turn tail.
The program helped me understand me better as an individual and what about me has me 'react' as I do. I am the gal who if two people are talking in a corner, I assume it must be about me and is probably not good. That's the why my brain is wired and it's not sane thinking. Al-Anon gave me the gift of pause, long enough to have at least another thought that says, "Wait a minute....it's not about you, and even if so, what does it matter?" Al-Anon has taught me that I and all others are imperfect people living in an imperfect world doing the best we can with what we have - I have more some days than others as do others.
I too have specific boundaries about discussions with active addiction. I detach as quickly and as kindly as I can. Where I am today is all related to Al-Anon recovery and things have improved greatly. Good on you that you've already found a meeting - make your plan and give it a try. It was suggested to me to attend with an open mind and look for the similarities instead of the differences - that really helped me tons so I pass it on to you.
Keep coming back - you are not alone. This disease is too much for one alone but together, sharing ESH, there is power in numbers...Hope and help are always available in recovery.
Welcome Dazcreed. Sorry you are going through this. It is tough no matter what. My suggestion is don't beat yourself up. You didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it and you can't Control it. Nearly all of us have tried in various ways and only succeeded in making things worse. The good news is once I realized this truth I was able to find a little peace because I was then able to start putting my focus on someone I did have control over. Me.
Another suggestion is if she is getting aggressive you need to be careful. Don't engage in arguments with a drunk person and don't retaliate if she goes over the line. Remove yourself if you have to.
Thanks for all you responses and encouragement... it appears that I have a long hard road ahead of me.
This morning my AW woke up (her birthday) as if nothing happened last night. Not even sure if she remembers any of it, but I won't be addressing last night as I don't want to spoil her special day.
Although, I do sense that she knows something is bothering me as I do find it hard to put on a happy face when I am feeling sad. That is what I am looking for from these F2F meetings is the ability to detach myself from feeling the way I do at the moment because it feels terrible! Up until this disease took a stranglehold of my AW, we were an extremely close family, both as a couple and as a family with the kids... and that is what I am struggling with. My 2 oldest kids are moving out of home at the moment and I am sure that their mothers drinking has a bit to do with this, but is not the sole reason for them moving out.
I am gutted that not only has my own relationship with my AW deteriorated, but my relationship with my kids has also suffered. I have this never ending knot in my stomach and can't stop thinking of how are we going to get through this phase of our lives... it is affecting every aspect of my life. I see very little hope for improvement as my AW has stated that they "have a problem" but has also stated that they don't think it is bad enough to seek any help. She has told me that I need to attend these meetings so I can get my head straight. Whenever she drinks she says that it is me and the way I deal with things (I do have a short fuse at times) that drives her to drinking... but I really think that no matter what I do, she will always find some kind of excuse why she needs a drink. Last night she said that "she needed to have a drink because of the way I acted 2 days ago".
Oh, by the way, I managed to find another Al-anon meeting tomorrow night, which I will be attending. It is a bit out of the way from my home, but I can't wait until Monday... I going to try and attend both meetings.
Thanks for listening to what I have to say... it is good to get it off my chest!!!
One thing I did/do that helps me stay sane was focus on one day at a time. I drove myself nuts thinking about what was going to happen in a year, in five years, etc. I could make craziness happen when I thought into the future. It was really helpful to me to focus on today, keep my attention on what was going on today, what needed to happen today, what was and was not acceptable to me today, and what my next logical step was. Focusing on just the next logical thing released me from predicting the future and worrying about it, or trying to control it. And it helped me to stay focused on what I needed to do for myself (and my pets) each day. It gave me permission to let my wife make her own decisions, and let her deal with her own natural consequences, because I was not trying to make any particular future happen.
Keep coming back
I had spent a lifetime living in the past or in the future and rarely considered the now. This disease has a way of sucking the life out of us and driving us to focus on all that is wrong. I had to make a real effort to start changing my thinking through action - simple action - gratitude lists, asset lists, etc. If you have grown children that are moving out, you've done well! They are confident in their ability to be independent. Whatever their reasons are for departing, celebrate who they are/have become. I really had to look at what was in front of me, and find the good in it - as that's how life is supposed to be.
I was raised to be a huge planner and a control freak. It served me well until it did not. I learned in recovery to stay in this day and that planning was OK so long as I did not plan the outcome/results. Breathe in and be gentle with you for today and let us know how the meeting goes. It took me a couple meetings to find my 'tribe' yet I now wouldn't change them for the world. Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way!