Greetings. I am new here and have been reaching out to as many people as I can. I feel like I've just opened a can of worms. I run an HR consulting company with a business partner. About 9 months ago I noticed my partner behaving oddly. We both work from home, but in the past saw each other several times a month and talked daily. However, I noticed her contact getting more and more infrequent. Which was alarming because our business was just getting off the ground. Recently I discovered that she is an alcoholic, she got a dui and lost custody of her daughter. She was in treatment for about 3 months and I thought that she was doing better. However, I was feeling uneasy because I was an still am doing all of the work for our company. She has not contributed much other than rushed phone calls, cancelled meetings due to one excuse or another. I feared she was going down hill again. Still, not being in daily contact with her I didn't realize how bad it truly was.
I got a call from her asking me to pick her up from the hospital, she told me she was having stress issues. When I picked her up I discovered that she had checked herself out against dr. advice and that she was brought in because she drank so much she collapsed and her heart stopped. She has been kicked out of every place she has stayed in the last 6 months. I was under the impression that it was her rock bottom and she was ready to get help. by the way, I made the mistake of allowing her to come and stay at my house, thinking it was only for a few days and that I could help her. However, in the last 2 days she has has made excuses as to why she doesn't want to go to a facility to detox. I found a bottle of vodka while she was sleeping, so I poured it out. Of course when she woke up she flipped out. Even went so far as to say if she didn't drink she would have a seizure, which I know can happen, however she was given medication for the withdrawals, but refuses to take it. she demanded i buy her more, and I refused. She then freaked out and got in her car and left. 2 hours later I had to go get her because she was passed out in the car and barely managed to call me and send me her location. That was last night. Today I thought she was doing better, she slept all day and didn't eat much. But she was still adamant about not wanting to go to a facility today and to give her one more day. I tried taking her to a meeting but she claimed she was too tired and said she wasn't thinking about drinking and was okay. I found this a bit odd and started watching her more closely. Later in the day I found another bottle of vodka she had hidden and had been drinking all day. This is my first time dealing with something like this. I was advised by her sponsor and others to wait until morning when she's sober, and tell her to either get treatment or she needs to leave my house immediately. I now have her car keys so she can't go anywhere tonight. I don't want to get drawn into more lies and manipulation, and I surely don't want to enable her by allowing her to stay here. Any thoughts or advice?
hotrod said
Oct 2, 2017
Hello Glimmer Welcome. As you have discovered alcoholism is a chronic progressive disease that can be arrested but not cured and we are powerless over this dreadful disease.
Alanon is a recovery program for family and friends of alcoholics that provides support and useful tools to live by. Face to face meetings are held in most communities and the hot line number is in the white pages. Please attend and come back here. You are not alone.
Skorpi said
Oct 2, 2017
Welcome, Glimmer.
It sounds as if you are dealing with a very challenging situation. As Betty says, AlAnon provides support and you are not alone.
You probably won't hear what you should do in AlAnon, but you will hear other people's experiences and what they found to be right for them. For me, this helped me to think through my own situation and make the decisions that were best for me.
I have found that trying to reason with an active alcoholic does not work.
What did work for me was thinking about what was and was not acceptable to me, and stating those boundaries in a calm way when the alcoholic was sober and able to remember to conversation.
It helped me to practice what I would say out loud in a mirror until the words felt "right" coming out of my mouth.
And, it helped me to expect that the active alcoholic would be angry, and that that anger was alright, because it was a sign that I was not enabling behavior that was not acceptable to me.
Keep coming back. Check out a few local meetings. Dealing with the disease of alcoholism alone is too much for most, and you will find support and understanding in AlAnon.
Iamhere said
Oct 2, 2017
I too send welcomes to you Glimmer - sorry for what brings you here and that you've been affected by this disease. I too would recommend attending some Al-Anon meetings to understand more about the disease in here and how others are affected.
As far as what's been suggested to you, I have BTDT (Been There/Done That) and support it. Alcoholism is larger than one, and nothing you do will help her if she's not willing to help herself.
Keep coming back - you are not alone!
Jerry F said
Oct 2, 2017
If she is in AA and has a sponsor and program fellows have an AA dinner at your place...dinner and meeting. She has to stay and she has to share and she has to take a meeting list. If she balks she's on her own. ((((Hugs for you the fellowship and your friend))))). and more like Betty offers...Keep coming back here. We're family.
-- Edited by Jerry F on Monday 2nd of October 2017 08:08:24 PM
Greetings. I am new here and have been reaching out to as many people as I can. I feel like I've just opened a can of worms. I run an HR consulting company with a business partner. About 9 months ago I noticed my partner behaving oddly. We both work from home, but in the past saw each other several times a month and talked daily. However, I noticed her contact getting more and more infrequent. Which was alarming because our business was just getting off the ground. Recently I discovered that she is an alcoholic, she got a dui and lost custody of her daughter. She was in treatment for about 3 months and I thought that she was doing better. However, I was feeling uneasy because I was an still am doing all of the work for our company. She has not contributed much other than rushed phone calls, cancelled meetings due to one excuse or another. I feared she was going down hill again. Still, not being in daily contact with her I didn't realize how bad it truly was.
I got a call from her asking me to pick her up from the hospital, she told me she was having stress issues. When I picked her up I discovered that she had checked herself out against dr. advice and that she was brought in because she drank so much she collapsed and her heart stopped. She has been kicked out of every place she has stayed in the last 6 months. I was under the impression that it was her rock bottom and she was ready to get help. by the way, I made the mistake of allowing her to come and stay at my house, thinking it was only for a few days and that I could help her. However, in the last 2 days she has has made excuses as to why she doesn't want to go to a facility to detox. I found a bottle of vodka while she was sleeping, so I poured it out. Of course when she woke up she flipped out. Even went so far as to say if she didn't drink she would have a seizure, which I know can happen, however she was given medication for the withdrawals, but refuses to take it. she demanded i buy her more, and I refused. She then freaked out and got in her car and left. 2 hours later I had to go get her because she was passed out in the car and barely managed to call me and send me her location. That was last night. Today I thought she was doing better, she slept all day and didn't eat much. But she was still adamant about not wanting to go to a facility today and to give her one more day. I tried taking her to a meeting but she claimed she was too tired and said she wasn't thinking about drinking and was okay. I found this a bit odd and started watching her more closely. Later in the day I found another bottle of vodka she had hidden and had been drinking all day. This is my first time dealing with something like this. I was advised by her sponsor and others to wait until morning when she's sober, and tell her to either get treatment or she needs to leave my house immediately. I now have her car keys so she can't go anywhere tonight. I don't want to get drawn into more lies and manipulation, and I surely don't want to enable her by allowing her to stay here. Any thoughts or advice?
Hello Glimmer Welcome. As you have discovered alcoholism is a chronic progressive disease that can be arrested but not cured and we are powerless over this dreadful disease.
Alanon is a recovery program for family and friends of alcoholics that provides support and useful tools to live by. Face to face meetings are held in most communities and the hot line number is in the white pages. Please attend and come back here. You are not alone.
It sounds as if you are dealing with a very challenging situation. As Betty says, AlAnon provides support and you are not alone.
You probably won't hear what you should do in AlAnon, but you will hear other people's experiences and what they found to be right for them. For me, this helped me to think through my own situation and make the decisions that were best for me.
I have found that trying to reason with an active alcoholic does not work.
What did work for me was thinking about what was and was not acceptable to me, and stating those boundaries in a calm way when the alcoholic was sober and able to remember to conversation.
It helped me to practice what I would say out loud in a mirror until the words felt "right" coming out of my mouth.
And, it helped me to expect that the active alcoholic would be angry, and that that anger was alright, because it was a sign that I was not enabling behavior that was not acceptable to me.
Keep coming back. Check out a few local meetings. Dealing with the disease of alcoholism alone is too much for most, and you will find support and understanding in AlAnon.
As far as what's been suggested to you, I have BTDT (Been There/Done That) and support it. Alcoholism is larger than one, and nothing you do will help her if she's not willing to help herself.
Keep coming back - you are not alone!
If she is in AA and has a sponsor and program fellows have an AA dinner at your place...dinner and meeting. She has to stay and she has to share and she has to take a meeting list. If she balks she's on her own. ((((Hugs for you the fellowship and your friend))))).
and more like Betty offers...Keep coming back here. We're family.
-- Edited by Jerry F on Monday 2nd of October 2017 08:08:24 PM