Today is my AH's B-day and I have ambivalent feelings
PosiesandPuppies said
Sep 29, 2017
So today is my estranged AH's 53rd birthday. I did post earlier in the week b/c I have strange, ambivalent feelings about today. I feel like I should not ignore it, yet I don't want to engage with him b/c he is still drinking.
A couple days ago I thought that maybe Kid and I could take him to dinner. Nothing fancy. Show him that we still support him. But he texted back that he just wouldn't feel like it. I told him I understood.
My Kid doesn't even want to talk with him. My AH has expressed his sadness over this. KID doesn't actually say this, he just avoids AH at all costs. My answer to AH about this was, "Why didn't you text him and ask him to drop in when I told you he was coming by to pick up the envelope off the front porch?" No answer. I can't make my KID have feelings he doesn't have or isn't ready for... plain and simple. But nothing is simple with an alcoholic, is it?
So today I got a blank card... the outside was one of support... I wrote, "Even though today may not be the happiest of birthdays, we wanted you to know that we support you and believe that you have the strength within you to seek recovery. We care about your health and future." It's been 3 days of "radio silence." Very unusual for him... so I was getting worried, b/c the last text messages were of him "going away somewhere..." not only was I worried for him, but also he still has my cats! So I thought I would use today as an "excuse" to stop by (I could check and see if my cats are being cared for properly) and drop off a card and a cupcake. I knocked, rang the doorbell... nothing. Since I have been driving by each night and seeing that everything's dark and car hasn't been moved etc, I got worried. So I opened the door with my key. Immediately the smell of alcohol hits me. Wow! I thought. My cats were there to greet me, but AH was in bed. I walked all around the house, checked on the cat's food, litter box, and picked up my mail. AH never woke up. He still looked pink, so I could tell he wasn't dead... just either passed out or hung over.
So I left my card and cupcake and closed up the house. At least I found out that my cats are safe and cared for. It also was a big reminder that he is using words of "going away" or harming himself as a manipulation tool.
I cannot control what he does. Period. Not even if he chooses to harm himself (above all the drinking).
Oct 15th will be our 29th anniversary. I will not contact nor will I give a card for that. Our marriage had honestly 5-6 really good years. The others were disfunctional to miserable in one way or the other. So, yeah. Besides, I am meeting with an attorney next week to discuss legal separation... so that may happen.
Thank you for this board... each time I feel weird, I am calmed just by reading another's post. It has helped tremendously.
Aline said
Sep 29, 2017
I know what you mean by just coming to read posts and feeling calmer :) Its really good to hear you and your son are doing OK.
Iamhere said
Sep 29, 2017
(((PnP))) - these are difficult times yet it looks to me as if you handled it with dignity and grace.....good on you!!
KT2015 said
Sep 29, 2017
((((((PnP))))))) I think you handled his birthday so very well. You were true to yourself and your feelings and still kind to him. Such a challenging balance to walk. I see the program at work in you keep on keeping on :)
el-cee said
Sep 29, 2017
Well done you. Your inspirational.x
gratefulforafuture said
Sep 29, 2017
You are definitely my doppelganger! Threats of suicide...is it real or manipulation? Both? Kid doesn't want to talk to him and acts like he doesn't exist... I feel sorry for him and yet don't want to get pulled back in...
What a trip it has been! I feel both fear and exhilaration. I fear all the possible bad endings and yet I am exhilarated that my future is unwritten. I am with you as we move forward to a better future with detachment and kindness.
Beth
mamalioness said
Sep 29, 2017
PnP you did GREAT on all counts...I am amazed at your courage and "grace under fire"....You deserve WAY much better than this and I am glad that you want to reach for it...................sending support hugs
PosiesandPuppies said
Sep 29, 2017
Thank you, Aline. I am in LOVE with you avatar!! What's that cutie's name?
Iamhere, KT, & el-cee - Thank you. Your kind words and support mean more to me than you'll ever know!
Beth - Yea, I hear you! I've been reading your posts and it's eerily similar. Peace to you my doppelganger!
Aline said
Sep 30, 2017
Thats my Mumbler (or something like that in English!). I miss him, but I know at the moment he's better off with my ex-abf where he has company. I'm mostly out of my home and Mumbler would be all alone for most of the time if he stayed with me...
So today is my estranged AH's 53rd birthday. I did post earlier in the week b/c I have strange, ambivalent feelings about today. I feel like I should not ignore it, yet I don't want to engage with him b/c he is still drinking.
A couple days ago I thought that maybe Kid and I could take him to dinner. Nothing fancy. Show him that we still support him. But he texted back that he just wouldn't feel like it. I told him I understood.
My Kid doesn't even want to talk with him. My AH has expressed his sadness over this. KID doesn't actually say this, he just avoids AH at all costs. My answer to AH about this was, "Why didn't you text him and ask him to drop in when I told you he was coming by to pick up the envelope off the front porch?" No answer. I can't make my KID have feelings he doesn't have or isn't ready for... plain and simple. But nothing is simple with an alcoholic, is it?
So today I got a blank card... the outside was one of support... I wrote, "Even though today may not be the happiest of birthdays, we wanted you to know that we support you and believe that you have the strength within you to seek recovery. We care about your health and future." It's been 3 days of "radio silence." Very unusual for him... so I was getting worried, b/c the last text messages were of him "going away somewhere..." not only was I worried for him, but also he still has my cats! So I thought I would use today as an "excuse" to stop by (I could check and see if my cats are being cared for properly) and drop off a card and a cupcake. I knocked, rang the doorbell... nothing. Since I have been driving by each night and seeing that everything's dark and car hasn't been moved etc, I got worried. So I opened the door with my key. Immediately the smell of alcohol hits me. Wow! I thought. My cats were there to greet me, but AH was in bed. I walked all around the house, checked on the cat's food, litter box, and picked up my mail. AH never woke up. He still looked pink, so I could tell he wasn't dead... just either passed out or hung over.
So I left my card and cupcake and closed up the house. At least I found out that my cats are safe and cared for. It also was a big reminder that he is using words of "going away" or harming himself as a manipulation tool.
I cannot control what he does. Period. Not even if he chooses to harm himself (above all the drinking).
Oct 15th will be our 29th anniversary. I will not contact nor will I give a card for that. Our marriage had honestly 5-6 really good years. The others were disfunctional to miserable in one way or the other. So, yeah. Besides, I am meeting with an attorney next week to discuss legal separation... so that may happen.
Thank you for this board... each time I feel weird, I am calmed just by reading another's post. It has helped tremendously.
You are definitely my doppelganger! Threats of suicide...is it real or manipulation? Both? Kid doesn't want to talk to him and acts like he doesn't exist... I feel sorry for him and yet don't want to get pulled back in...
What a trip it has been! I feel both fear and exhilaration. I fear all the possible bad endings and yet I am exhilarated that my future is unwritten. I am with you as we move forward to a better future with detachment and kindness.
Beth
PnP you did GREAT on all counts...I am amazed at your courage and "grace under fire"....You deserve WAY much better than this and I am glad that you want to reach for it...................sending support hugs
Thank you, Aline. I am in LOVE with you avatar!! What's that cutie's name?
Iamhere, KT, & el-cee - Thank you. Your kind words and support mean more to me than you'll ever know!
Beth - Yea, I hear you! I've been reading your posts and it's eerily similar. Peace to you my doppelganger!