My boyfriend is an active drug addict, potential dealer and alcoholic. We are very involved with each and I'm very codependent in nature. This morning I woke up to several texts saying he was in the emergency room because he had been beaten up in his apt and had a concussion. I'm assuming based upon things he's said in the past that it was drug or drug dealing related. He texted to say he was recovering at a friends house. However, he asked me to take the day off from work so that he could come over and I could take care of him in my apt because he didn't feel safe going home. I confirmed that he was currently safe at a friends house and in bed. However, I said that I had to work, had an important meeting but that he could come over in the evening after I got home from work. He responded with several messages intended to make me feel guilty as if I didn't care about the situation such as "I would've done this if it was you". I'm trying desperately to detach with love here without being cruel. Any advice for what to do in situations like this? Thank you!!
-- Edited by roddy on Thursday 28th of September 2017 12:20:02 PM
Jerry F said
Sep 28, 2017
Aloha Roddy...yes this is a perfect time to practice detachment with unconditional acceptance (love). You first and then when able him. In the meantime he can practice the same which will help relieve you of the pressure and stress of caring for and addict. You're home now...with family. Keep coming back. In support (((((hugs)))))
roddy said
Sep 28, 2017
thank you! I just discovered Al-anon a few days ago, attended my first meeting last night and then this crazy situation happened in the middle of the night. Talk about timing and divine intervention. Had this situation happened a week ago I would've been enabling from the first text at 2am. Very grateful for your response.
Iamhere said
Sep 28, 2017
Welcome roddy - glad you found us, as well as a local Al-Anon meeting. Putting you first is what Al-Anon suggests even if/when it doesn't 'feel right'....We change ourselves as best we can to find our joy and serenity and allow others the dignity to do the same. So sorry about what has happened to him - sending healing thoughts and prayers your way!
Aline said
Sep 28, 2017
Hi, Roddy, really, Alanon seems to have come into your life at the right time! Just wanted to say hi, I'm still not very good at detaching, though I've made a lot of progress, but the "I wouldn't do that to you" line - I know it well... Gotta go now. Glad you found us :)
roddy said
Sep 28, 2017
thank you kindly. I needed to hear this.
Maresie25 said
Sep 28, 2017
The problem with addicts is the amount of chaos that goes on. That chaos can take over.
You don't have to justify going to work.
I know the alcoholics/addicts I still know get something out of there being my entire focus.
So these days they do not get to be.
If someone is have a lot of chaos I distance myself and ask what it is I want to accomplish.
If they don't want to get sober or change the situation I am pretty limited
In addition, I don't know about you but I worry about those in chaos. I wonder what's next.
That takes the focus off my life. So I have had to put down the rescue cloak and take up my own needs which are certainly valid.
I don't feel guilty either.
These days no one gets to ask me to "jump" unless they are paying me. I "jumped" till I couldn't jump anymore.
I limped out of those scenarios.
Maresie.
roddy said
Sep 28, 2017
Thank you Maresie, I can't agree more. I'm very concerned what the next chaos will be. I just really need to learn to detach from his problems.
Maresie25 said
Sep 28, 2017
The addicts I know are pretty unconcerned about the danger they are in. They minimize it but then they ask for help!
I do not worry about them anymore because I gave the responsibility for their life back to them.
I was neglecting my own life taking care of them. And they absolutely refused to take care of themselves.
Jerry F said
Sep 28, 2017
Divine Intervention....couldn't agree more and by staying with and in the program working it as suggested the Divine Intervention just keep going on and on and one.. Thanks for mentioning it. (((hugs)))
My boyfriend is an active drug addict, potential dealer and alcoholic. We are very involved with each and I'm very codependent in nature. This morning I woke up to several texts saying he was in the emergency room because he had been beaten up in his apt and had a concussion. I'm assuming based upon things he's said in the past that it was drug or drug dealing related. He texted to say he was recovering at a friends house. However, he asked me to take the day off from work so that he could come over and I could take care of him in my apt because he didn't feel safe going home. I confirmed that he was currently safe at a friends house and in bed. However, I said that I had to work, had an important meeting but that he could come over in the evening after I got home from work. He responded with several messages intended to make me feel guilty as if I didn't care about the situation such as "I would've done this if it was you". I'm trying desperately to detach with love here without being cruel. Any advice for what to do in situations like this? Thank you!!
-- Edited by roddy on Thursday 28th of September 2017 12:20:02 PM
Aloha Roddy...yes this is a perfect time to practice detachment with unconditional acceptance (love). You first and then when able him. In the meantime he can practice the same which will help relieve you of the pressure and stress of caring for and addict. You're home now...with family. Keep coming back. In support (((((hugs)))))
thank you! I just discovered Al-anon a few days ago, attended my first meeting last night and then this crazy situation happened in the middle of the night. Talk about timing and divine intervention. Had this situation happened a week ago I would've been enabling from the first text at 2am. Very grateful for your response.
thank you kindly. I needed to hear this.
The problem with addicts is the amount of chaos that goes on. That chaos can take over.
You don't have to justify going to work.
I know the alcoholics/addicts I still know get something out of there being my entire focus.
So these days they do not get to be.
If someone is have a lot of chaos I distance myself and ask what it is I want to accomplish.
If they don't want to get sober or change the situation I am pretty limited
In addition, I don't know about you but I worry about those in chaos. I wonder what's next.
That takes the focus off my life. So I have had to put down the rescue cloak and take up my own needs which are certainly valid.
I don't feel guilty either.
These days no one gets to ask me to "jump" unless they are paying me. I "jumped" till I couldn't jump anymore.
I limped out of those scenarios.
Maresie.
Thank you Maresie, I can't agree more. I'm very concerned what the next chaos will be. I just really need to learn to detach from his problems.
The addicts I know are pretty unconcerned about the danger they are in. They minimize it but then they ask for help!
I do not worry about them anymore because I gave the responsibility for their life back to them.
I was neglecting my own life taking care of them. And they absolutely refused to take care of themselves.
Divine Intervention....couldn't agree more and by staying with and in the program working it as suggested the Divine Intervention just keep going on and on and one.. Thanks for mentioning it. (((hugs)))