Hi, 

I'm new here. This is my first post.

My ex, and father of my young child, is an alcoholic. He had a very troublesome childhood and this results in him 'coping' with alcohol. When he drinks, his anger spills out, and I am the target. We split 4 years ago because of the trauma of the alcohol and because of our son seeing far too much, and because of the ex dragging me into debt and the possibility of me losing my mortgaged home. I had to end it as I was becoming ill and I wanted for our son to have a calm and peaceful and fun childhood so he can become a healthy adult.

The ex has never got over the breakup and has spiralled into periods of suicidal ideation fuelled by his past and his hefty alc. intake. I cannot reason with him and he calls me in the middle of the night to unleash his anger and rage (I now put my phone on aeroplane mode at night).

I lost my mother when I was 9 and I am aware of the void it creates and am eagerly defensive of that not happening to my son. So i try and offer kind words to the ex, but he treats that as an in-road to me loving him, then I have to state that it isn't, which leads to more alcohol and more verbal abuse in drunken rants. I have not asked for child maintenance as a) it is only £5 a week as he is on benefits and b) he spins into alcohol fuelled resentment whenever I mention it to him. I feel if he can afford £12 a day on whisky and fags, he can afford £5 a week to pay towards his son. He has said he would rather commit suicide than pay me anything! I try to say it is not paying me but paying to help bring up his son but in his jaded mindset, he cannot/refuses to see this. So I struggle on a part-time wage and never go out as I have no childcare. This is him expressing his hate at his past, I know that, but I am the target of his rage. I think he has borderline personality disorder as well as alcoholism, and bpd would be consistent with his childhood experiences.

The ex was doing well for months lately as went to rehab again and they kept him on as a mentor helping with new admissions and he told me he was loving life and not thinking about drink. I applauded him.

He spoke to our son on the phone recently promising he would come and visit him in half term - our son was very happy!

However, a week after that call, I receive a letter saying 'I've fallen off the wagon for 4 days and am back in mainstream rehab - I won't be coming to visit after all - tell me what to do'. So I texted him saying to stay strong and focus on our son and to not give up - but that now, I would have to start applying for maintenance due to financial struggle and that whilst I know many men don't want to pay for their child, that they should want to and I hoped he understood this.

2 days later, the drunken calls start all over again. he telling me what a c*nt I am, a money grabbing greedy person who only thinks of herself and the reason he started drinking again was me. That I am always the reason he drinks etc etc. He said that he is going to end it his way and that he doesn't know when or how, but it will be on his terms. (He has made many suicidal threats in the past, once resulting in me ringing the police as he said he had taken an overdose and could feel himself 'going' - of course I got called a range of names for calling the police)

That's the potted version of my story. I am seeking support for where to turn. On the one hand, I want to try and help him have access to our son (as long as he is sober) as he literally has nothing and I have empathy and compassion (aka a rescuer and an enabler??) - and I am desperate that my son doesn't have a dead parent as I did. I would do anything for my son not to experience that. Yet I cannot control it. If the ex committed suicide, that is the ultimate abandonment a child can experience. I'm torn. 

I'm sure I'm not alone in my plight, but it really feels like it. The police have said in the past that if I talk to the ex, it is effectively me inviting him in to my phone/head space/life, so I cannot complain about harassment. I get that, but the alternative is cutting my son off from his parent and I have my own reasons for wanting to avoid that if I humanly can. 

As I say, i am so torn. Any support is appreciated.

Thank you and sorry for a long first post - I guess I should've just said 'hello' first

Atom

Hello Atom you are not alone,  Welcome.  Alcoholism is a chronic, disease over which we are powerless. I can so identify with the experiences that you have shared and want to assure you that there is hope and help available.

I found alanon face to face meetings when i reached the stage that  you are enduring.  The support and constructive tools I received helped me to regain my life and sanity.   Please check out these meetings and keep coming back

Thank you. I'll Google for local meetings.

Thank you all!
I've looked up our local meeting - there's just one at 7.30pm. Do meetings allow 8 year old children into them? After all, my son is family of an alcoholic. Or is it frowned upon?
I do think my son , however healthy he seems emotionally, has to be affected by the abandonment, so would benefit from off-loading and sharing. What do you think?

Generally children don't go to adult meetings.

if you really need a meeting there are meetings here pretty much all the time.  They are every bit as good as a face to face meeting.

Looks like they're 9pm EST every day, That'll be 2am here in UK. Poo.

Atom there are 2 meetings daily and one should be earlier than your 2AM (poo)...I am on the other side of the planet yet we have lots of face to face meetings available.  Check with the local meeting in your area and see what they suggest regarding your son.  We have allowed youngsters in some of our meetings if they can mind.  If they can they can sit in the rooms and learn from the discussions.  

Welcome to the board...keep coming back.  You are up against and being affected by the most powerful disease known and it is thousands of years old.  I am here offers some great understanding of our relationship to the disease in mentioning the 3 Cs.  We didn't Cause alcoholism, We cannot Control it and we will never Cure it.   Keep coming back.  In support.  ((((hugs))))  

Thank you!

Welcome and I'm glad you have found us.  One thing to reflect on is that cushioning your ex's life - for instance, putting up with abusive calls and all that stuff I bet we've all experienced - is a form of 'enabling' (protecting him from the consequences of his drinking).  And that paradoxically makes it easier for him to keep on drinking.  So setting boundaries and genuinely refusing to talk to him once you realize he's been drinking is the best way to open a path to his recovery.  So not only are you perfectly entitled to refuse to talk when he's drunk, but you are actually helping him by doing that.  (Not that he will call it helping, of course - in the grip of addiction, the only thing they want is to have their path smoothed.  But you would be helping the effort towards him experiencing the real consequences of his drinking.

Take good care of yourself.

glad you're here with us Atom .. it's the best place to be and yes these meetings on here are good .. I relate to your situation .. I spent years with an addict .. the phonecalls on my end have Never stopped .. to this day i still get them .. i find for me only when i answer less i have less to resent .. but . this person was also 'my' alcohol .. seems i was as addicted to him as he was to the substance .. he chased the drug and my mind chased him .. (in circles) insanity .. the kicker is when i do answer .. i realise i am powerless .. "sometimes" it restores me to ''insanity" keeps me Stuck in 'what ifs .. what if he woulda coulda shoulda .. what if i woulda coulda shoulda .. it's a vicious cycle for sure .. i prefer alanon which restores us to ''sanity'' one day at a time .. have enough to move through inside me to last me a lifetime ..

hope you keep coming back .. it's recommended for newcomers to try at least 6 meetings before deciding if they are right for us .. in other words if a couple don't go well but we keep coming back we may eventually realise our gratitude for being led here ..

will say however my own addict never threatens suicide .. but there was a time when i would hear him say he can't live without me .. oye .. he couldn't live without alcohol .. since alcoholism is cunning powerful baffling Manipulating .. sometimes hard to discern whether he was telling me the truth or just what would work to play on my feelings (manipulating me) .. oye .. i shared so many of my personal thoughts with him through the years that he eventually grew to know me like an open book  always knew what buttons to push ..  such an overwhelming disease for sure ..

Hi Atom....glad you reached out....I would do as many meets as there are days, and for two reasons...#1, of course the program and #2, there may be others going though or went through the type of abuse you are suffering and maybe those older more experienced folks can give you some of their experiences, what THEY did to protect themselves....I know in the UK there are domestic violence shelters where one can simply get guidance ...1 in 4 women and men are victims of some sort of domestic abuse, and a lot of times verbal turns physical...not saying your Ex may attack, but if I were you, I would be taking measures of never being alone with him, and never let him be with your child w/out someone else there....drunken raging, et al, my mother did that stuff and she turned violent many times....any type of abuse is not healthy and potentially can escalate.....I stongly urge you to get into meetings...talk with other Al-anons...network yourself so you have a support system....trade tel#s with the ones who feel safe with so you have that "go to"  button when things get hard with him.....I don't know the situation, but I'm concerned for the young one seeing and/or hearing this............please keep coming back....you and your boy need you to be healthy and stable for his sake.....I feel for you...Really I do...I had that happen to me with the phone calls and even stalking...yea, my first XABF (ex alkie) boyfriend stalked me, and I was doing income taxes for a bunch of biker guys and I told them I was scared..cops didn't do anything to help me, but my bikers  "changed my Ex's mind" about stalking me.....never heard from him again.....Sometimes one has to just reach out...and if plan A doesn't work, go to plan B...I tried the police, but they did nothing...Plan B, I told my biker guys I was afraid to meet them at the bowling alley (we had a league and I was on their team and we played against the railroad folks)  anyway, I was afraid the ExABF would "catch me"  and So I told my biker buddies and they took care of the situation......what I am saying here is that I didn't isolate...I networked myself..made friends...got into the bowling thing,   (this is before I knew Al-anon, otherwise I would have added Al-anon and the meetings to my networking with others)    Be careful and I hope you can find a face to face meeting...if not?? we got online ones here, but I would if there are no face to face meets there where you are, I would be talking to a domestic violence shelter Councillor and just ASK them what you can do about this harrassment.......IN SUPPORT

Your situation is so current. I always find it unfathomable that a person can be so nasty to someone when they're drunk, then just shrug it off the next day as if nothing happened. I know this is because I don't have the mind of an alcoholic, but still, surely they know inside that it's not acceptable?? They may have forgotten the event, but they would still have the log of texts they sent and must look at those and think 'unacceptable'.

Are you in UK?