Hi All,

The difference between a shortcoming and a defect of character has always felt a bit confusing for me. I'm hoping for es&h about the difference between them. My approach to them has been this way. I see defects of character as behaviors that I'd like to change that can create difficulties for me in more many areas of my life in a negative way. I see them as rooted in emotional baggage that will take time and the god of my understanding to bring about a healthy new way. An example of a defect of character might be trying to control others. I see shortcomings as behaviors that are easier to change. An example of a shortcoming could be always being late to appointments. A person could do what is in their control to be on time. They could allow themselves more time to get ready by starting earlier or by all putting things they need to take with them to the appointment in one place the night before. It would save time that can be wasted looking everywhere for something important a person needs to take with them causing them to be late.

What are your thoughts about defects of character and shortcomings? Do you see them as different too? Any suggestions for working on them and being gentle with ourselves while doing so?  I look forward to your responses. Glad we're sharing this journey with one another. ((hugs))) TT

-- Edited by tiredtonite on Wednesday 27th of September 2017 08:27:50 AM

Hi tired .. great question for me too .. those have always been a little vague but this is how I had it explained to me .. a Defect is .. (anything or one we turn to before hp to get our good feelings (unhealthy self esteem worth dignity way etc .. quick fixes at possibly ours or someone else's expense) .. in other words instead of reaching to hp or to others in group to reason with .. step work literature prayer meditation etc .. we turn to say 'compulsive spending or shopping isolating blaming criticizing silent treatments unhealthy reactions drinking eating smoking denial etc .. those we become aware of as we go through step work ..

a shortcoming is more like impatience .. irritation .. edginess .. frustration .. speaking before thinking .. possibly manipulation tendencies .. confusion .. martyrdom .. self pity .. victim mode .. etc .. (that keep us from moving forward in certain areas .. stuck) not the actions more like the feeling behind them .. (reason we turn to defects or unhealthy action) possible example might be: by getting honest we've already begun some of this long before we reach the step because honesty better thing to turn to  .. we'll always have some but we'll lesson the harm we do to others and ourselves by turning to hp First .. or they at least won't dominate us or others as much ..

not sure if this will help but it seemed to make sense to me when I could look at it that way more .. such a fine line .. defects were more about unhealthy behavior .. shortcomings were more about why we turned to it

Hi TT,  I see shortcomings and defects as one and the same.  Both hurt me and damage my interactions in the world.  Examining my motives and listening at meetings, as well as  working Steps 4 through 7 helped me to easily identify them. I know many object to the words "defects of character" so that using "shortcomings" may be a softer gentler way. Keeping it simple is my  mode of operations  these days.

Thanks everyone for sharing you insights about defects of character, shortcomings, and the Alanon recovery tools using.

Hotrod, great reminder about working the steps and H.O.W.  honesty, openness and willingness. I work it by examining my motive too. For me, if the motive is premeditated, the hope might be to extract a certain outcome and the person is consciously taking the action for that purpose. This could involve making conscious changes in behavior from manipulation to being more self sufficient. It could be identified by honestly working steps 4 and 5. For me, what is rooted within my motivation for doing what I do guides whether I keep exhibiting the same unhealthy behavior or am willing to change. Am I getting mileage out of what I'm doing? In other words, is doing it the easier softer way of getting what I want. 

But I've also found when working steps 6 & 7 that motive isn't always so obvious. I agree Flyfree that behavior can be unconscious. I had lived so long surrounded by others affected by alcoholism and been imprinted with unhealthy ways of acting and reacting. For many of us, our first introduction to healthier thinking and ways is attending our first Alanon meeting and hearing the shares of people who admit to similiar behaviors and situations much like those of us here and share how they continue to work it and are choosing healthful living. But I know it's my hp who is speaking to me then through those shares and continues to do so by way of spiritual awakenings. "I came, I came to, I came to believe," - I might become healthier and more loving toward myself and others through my actions and words if I kept coming back.

As Metwo2's share brings to light, I never have to go it alone. My hp has the power to help me do for myself what I could never do alone. With a shortcoming such as reacting vs responding to a person, place or thing, I really need the help of my hp. As Metwo2 shared there are defects or shortcomings that are compulsive and definitely require a power much greater than ourselves to intervene and help me to move toward healthful change. Thank you Metwo2 for the reminder about prayer and turning to higher power first before turning to compulsive behaviors. As an Alanoner those compulsive behaviors can include obsession, excessive worry, excessive activity, avoidance, isolation and others you shared in your post. Thanks for the reminder that humbly surrendering it all to my higher power can result in serenity, hope and the removal of negative thoughts and actions that have brought pain to myself and others.

Iamhere, thanks for sharing about these two way of perhaps saying that there is something within myself that I would like to change.  I can see how people would respond more positively to the word shortcoming. I think it's a gentler term too. To me it implies a need for improvement which can be possible. To me, defect implies damage. Sometimes the term damaged goods is used. That implies no hope. We know that isn't true of us.

Thanks (((everyone)))) TT

Hi Tired, your post reminded me of how I struggled with the word "defects" when I first came into the program. I knew I would have to examine my defects, but I thought this would be a punishing task, because -- as you said -- defects seem to suggest damage, and not only that, but damage that I am responsible for.

Then I remembered times when I bought an article of clothing made from a natural fabric -- let's say silk, for example -- there would be a tag on it that said something like "The slubs and bumps in this fabric are not defects, they are naturally occurring in this material." The tag was telling me not to try to return the item to the store as damaged. because these bumps are just the way this fabric is, the way it comes from nature. It was telling me to change the way I think about the bumps. Just because I have defects, I don't have to be returned to the store for a refund.

This idea got me over the barrier that defects were something to be feared, I was more open to working Steps 4 and 5, and I could be more gentle with myself. This was the most freeing feeling.

I love how everyone has thought so deeply about defects vs shortcomings.  I must admit, when I read the 12 steps, I just assumed that the authors were trying to use varied vocabulary, and not to repeat the word "defect" so they substituted "shortcomings" in the next step, and "wrongs" in another step. 

 I was CALLED a "defect" by my father, yea, the freak called ME a defect...I don't know what was worse...his and her putdowns to me or the other abuse....anyway, I don't like that word  "defect"  I have unwanted "survival skills" that need to go...I have wounds/ injuries that affected by perception=emotions=behavior based on those 2......I would rather call my "not wanted traits"  survival techniques or disorders due to the trauma/abuse I suffered ...behavioral problems based on skewed perceptions of my world and problems that arise......bad coping skills....anything but a "defect"  thats just my opinion.....yea, I have "issues" and I am working on them....bad coping skills is what i use most....because that is what it is for me, anyway..and I like Betty's take on the "softer, gentler way"......and to keep it simple......

Thanks freetime for your reply. I like the fabric analogy very much - a great descriptor and reminder that we're beautiful and worthwhile. It's definitely a wonderful belief. I'm glad it added gentleness to your 4th and 5th step work. It's a good point you make that authors may have been trying to avoid vocabulary repetition. That makes sense.

Thanks el-cee. There are so many great takeaways for me in your response. I could relate to the outward esteeming you share about, the "material" quick fixes. Yes, "flashes" of happiness is so spot on. I experienced this often before recovery. It's a gift to have found a healthier way. Today, I can share rather than stuff my feelings or act them out in unhealthy ways. We can open our readers and read a few different pages on the same topic. I love to do this because it broadens my knowledge just as all the responses to this same question have done. Thanks also for sharing further about outward esteeming "world feelings vs soul feelings." Without getting into too deep a dive on this, my belief is that the goal of Alanon is self-actualization. That's shaped by whom or what is my higher power. It's a very personalized journey. Everything in Alanon is merely suggested - no rules. What I see as the one common goal perhaps or hope is that we'd either like greater serenity or to maintain it. This is where the Alanon action steps have really helped me, personally. I liked what you wrapped up with - enjoying a sunset, people's company for simply what it is. So much emphasis on "mindfulness" now. Yet.. Alanon has long shown us the value of gratitude for the moment hasn't it? Is it happening? Do others now want what we've got?  Going to check it out with an open mind. I want to keep growing. Thank you.

Thanks mamalioness for your response. I relate to those trigger words and can remember a few from my past too. Words can have a powerful effect. I like the terms you've chosen instead because they're life affirming terms. I hear you invalidating the label defect through love of self and empowerment as an adult. We can't change our past but we can with the help of our hp live one day at a time a life that is reflective of our hp's unconditional love for us and our love of self. Yep, like you, I am definitely a work in progress. You mentioned skewed perceptions. I think that's one I will always be working on. I'm grateful the tools of our program and our slogans are available to me. Using Alanon can help me to parse out the facts of a situation as opposed to projecting my past onto the present. I'm grateful for the availability of more choices today as an adult. Thanks for sharing.

Thanks (((everyone)))