he said this this morning over coffee. I am going to run to a meeting after work but I could use some ESH from others on this subject. I mean I'm sort of ok with just letting him go, at this point. I am working the program and I know I'll be fine but I worry about my kids. Any perspectives welcome
Thanks!
Jerry F said
Sep 26, 2017
What I committed myself to doing at the start of the "divorce" was to just listen and then tell her "We will talk later". Best to remember the things he tells you and ask you about and for and then call your sponsor after the meeting. You get to decide...remember that because this was and important place for me to have my program and hold myself in check. God Bless. ((((Hugs))))
hotrod said
Sep 26, 2017
((Beth)) divorce as with all thing is a rather long process Keep on attending meetings and coming here. You are not alone
Iamhere said
Sep 26, 2017
(((Beth))) - sending you hugs, positive thoughts and prayers. I've not gone through this so really don't have ESH. I do know that all 'life' works way better for me when I use the tools as best I can - Self-Care, ODaT, First Things First, etc. We're here for you as best we can be!!
Mattie said
Sep 26, 2017
So many times I wished my mom would divorce my dad, but she never did. I think it's false that kids are invariably hurt by divorce. Sometimes it's a big relief. If he has been drinking, unreliable, volatile, or whatever, they already know. Sure, the absolute best possible development would be that he'd get healthy and fabulous and stay married and be a wonderful dad to them. My guess is that if that were going to happen, it would have happened already. If they can get some stability and peace in their lives, they have what they need to go on with. That's my experience.
MizzTJ said
Sep 27, 2017
I feel for you. It must have been difficult to hear and even more so to keep it together all day. I'm currently contemplating divorce myself but have yet to make a decision. Even still it would be a surprise to have it brought up during morning coffee.
Jayla said
Sep 29, 2017
I'm in the same boat with Mattie. I always WISHED my mom would leave my abusive father but she never did. So I became codependent and have had a string of unsuccessful relationships with abusive/addicted/unavailable men because I was downloaded with faulty programming. I am nearly 40 and just now figuring out what is wrong and how to fix it. Sometimes divorce is the lesser of the two evils.
WestMan said
Sep 29, 2017
Hi Beth. I'm certainly feeling your pain here. My AW wants to split up as well. I have been thinking that may be best too but was trying to get a year of program before I made a solid decision. But, things are so unpredictable and chaotic and my AW is physically hurting herself so I think any rational person would tell me to get out.
BethBethBeth said
Sep 29, 2017
Thank you so much for your support and sharing everyone! I know it's only been a few days but honestly I've been thinking about this option for about 3 years, well before I realized we had an alcoholic relationship and started al anon. Al anon has already given me lots of tools, for which I am grateful. They are helping me see things more clearly and calmly. The weird thing about our relationship is that we have already been functioning as housemates and co parents rather than as a married couple for about 2 1/2 years. I think it's better to make that our official relationship. (I think he will move out though, which is ok) we are still friendly and things have actually gotten better since we stopped marriage counseling. It helps to hear from people with an alcoholic parent that this could ultimately be better for our kids. I think I'm calming down about it.
So we are a square peg and a round hole as far as marriage goes and I can't fix his issues for him, I can just redefine the terms with him and hope that he gets better someday. He really is a good guy underneath his sickness.
PosiesandPuppies said
Sep 29, 2017
Beth,
I am glad that you are feeling calmer about this. Your last sentence says volumes to me... you are centered, even though your husband's declaration has thrown you for a loop. Your heart knows what is best at this point.
Even though it has only been 1 month since my teen and I moved out and away from AH, I can already see the positive changes in my kid... he is so much happier! And I think he even respects me more than before!
Each time I begin to waiver about my decision to separate from my AH, I look to my son... his personality change for the better is all the motivation I need!
Sending you support, light & love!
Iamhere said
Sep 29, 2017
(((BethBethBeth))) - love the processing with the program tools - good on you. Continued prayers and positive thoughts headed your way!
mamalioness said
Sep 29, 2017
I agree with what Jerry and Betty say.....divorce is usually long process...I would just keep doing my program, working on me, living my life, and step back..let him do what hes got to do and maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea for you to get legal advice so as to protect yourself in the event that you do split up......I would be looking at my rights and how to protect me AS I work my program..more meets, more convos with sponsor or recovery mate(s) , more step work......and NO!!! you are NOT alone...
he said this this morning over coffee. I am going to run to a meeting after work but I could use some ESH from others on this subject. I mean I'm sort of ok with just letting him go, at this point. I am working the program and I know I'll be fine but I worry about my kids. Any perspectives welcome
Thanks!
What I committed myself to doing at the start of the "divorce" was to just listen and then tell her "We will talk later". Best to remember the things he tells you and ask you about and for and then call your sponsor after the meeting. You get to decide...remember that because this was and important place for me to have my program and hold myself in check. God Bless. ((((Hugs))))
So many times I wished my mom would divorce my dad, but she never did. I think it's false that kids are invariably hurt by divorce. Sometimes it's a big relief. If he has been drinking, unreliable, volatile, or whatever, they already know. Sure, the absolute best possible development would be that he'd get healthy and fabulous and stay married and be a wonderful dad to them. My guess is that if that were going to happen, it would have happened already. If they can get some stability and peace in their lives, they have what they need to go on with. That's my experience.
So we are a square peg and a round hole as far as marriage goes and I can't fix his issues for him, I can just redefine the terms with him and hope that he gets better someday. He really is a good guy underneath his sickness.
I am glad that you are feeling calmer about this. Your last sentence says volumes to me... you are centered, even though your husband's declaration has thrown you for a loop. Your heart knows what is best at this point.
Even though it has only been 1 month since my teen and I moved out and away from AH, I can already see the positive changes in my kid... he is so much happier! And I think he even respects me more than before!
Each time I begin to waiver about my decision to separate from my AH, I look to my son... his personality change for the better is all the motivation I need!
Sending you support, light & love!
I agree with what Jerry and Betty say.....divorce is usually long process...I would just keep doing my program, working on me, living my life, and step back..let him do what hes got to do and maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea for you to get legal advice so as to protect yourself in the event that you do split up......I would be looking at my rights and how to protect me AS I work my program..more meets, more convos with sponsor or recovery mate(s) , more step work......and NO!!! you are NOT alone...