This last 9 months have been a nightmare. We don't live together, share finances or children. It would be so easy to let this go. Yet, it's not. We are still a couple because we wanted to be not because we had to be.
He's a mess. He hates me "his words" and wants me to close this chapter of this book and I'm having panic attacks because I may never see him again.
Why?
Jerry F said
Sep 25, 2017
Aloha Hesays and welcome to the board. We all want to be wanted some more than others. It is normal to love and be loved however....trying to get that acceptance and affirmation while caught in the disease of alcoholism won't find you in first place with your lover. Alcohol demands more of him...time, presence, loyalty, practice and attention. This is a disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions and alcohol rules. If only we could have been wanted like they wanted alcohol hmmmmmm.
Why did I want to be in love with an alcoholic and then another alcoholic and then another.....I didn't know anything about alcoholism and didn't know that I didn't know and I wanted her to want me. Insanity runs strong in this disease 24/7 and we need to be around and with those who have come to understand and to follow what they suggest and recommend us to do.
We don't come to think our way out of this or wish our way out of it using that alone to find peace of mind and serenity. We have face to face meetings and online forums and boards just like this to attend to. We have the best literature available to those who want recovery and there is the sponsorship and more.
We work our way out of it with this simple program.
I pray you keep coming back and participate with MIP and follow the suggestions. You are very important to yourself and this board. (((hugs)))
milkwood said
Sep 26, 2017
Such a good question!!! I spent ages trying to figure that one out and I think that as a result I am more likely to position myself alongside positive, caring people than the challenging ones who have attracted me in the past.
I agree with Jerry - we all need to feel valued and this is a big driver in our lives. The balance that I would like to achieve is to remain open to relationships, but to be more discerning when others tell me that they are not for me.
How do we deal with those panic attacks and bring some serenity to our life? I try to focus on the things that I enjoy and make me feel calm, and then do more of that. It takes practise, but it has been really worthwhile. I found that meditation helped, and just doing the next right thing for me.
Skorpi said
Sep 26, 2017
What a great post, hesays!
I think for me, I wanted to stay because of my ego. I didn't want to admit that I had chosen the wrong person, made a mistake in my judgement. I didn't want to admit that I had failed. That my life was out of control. There is also a certain stigma in society that I honestly didn't want to deal with.
For me, admitting that my marriage wasn't working out, that I couldn't figure it out or make it better was the real hurtle. I had to admit that I was less-than-my-definition-of-perfect. I had to admit that I may have been wrong, or made a mistake. And, I had to let myself believe that none of that said anything about me, or my worth. I had to admit that I was growing, changing, learning, that I didn't have all the answers, and that I was making a decision "just for today". That I could change my mind if things changed.
I had to let go of my marriage. For me, that letting go resulted in creating a solid foundation for rebuilding. By letting go, I stopped enabling, my spouse hit bottom, and found recovery. So did I in AlAnon. Not all marriages work out that way, but for me, letting go is what saved my marriage and my relationship. I couldn't have imagined this result when I made the painful decision to let go. Letting go, trusting HP to work it all out, none of that is easy. But in my experience, it is worth it
Hesaysishouldbeoverit said
Sep 26, 2017
Can you help me walk through the letting go?
hotrod said
Sep 26, 2017
Alanon face to face meetings held in most communities will provide the ongoing assistance that you will need in order to successfully recover from this relationship. Letting go so as to move forward is a process . Meetings , the literature, slogans are all important to recovery. Please do keep coming back.
Maresie25 said
Sep 26, 2017
I don't know that letting go is a formula. Grieving a relationship takes work. Some people appear to do that work very quickly but it depends on what the relationship "means" to you.
There are many people in al anon who have been in your place and they are pretty open about walking through the process.
For me personally I tend to postpone seeing an alcoholic. I wait till I feel up to taking whatever it is they want to deliver.
I am tonight going to see a former roommate who is certainly an alcoholic.
This will be a 15 minute at most interaction. I do not expect it to be pleasant. I expect him to dig at me for various things he considers 'my problems'.
I expect him to allude to "all the things I do not have". I expect him to allude to the great places he is about to go to (he is selling his house).
I am ready for all those jibes, judgments and more. I also know its a 15 minute interaction which I can make as pleasant as possible with the tools of al anon.
I do not respond to his jibes. I do not take on his judgments and I do not expect very much from him.
At one time I really "bought" his opinion of me. At one time, he really got to me on many many levels.
These days I really don't have much of an opinion about what he says. I am conscious of his alcoholism and where it is taking him.
I can't say I have had too many conversations with an alcoholic which were managed in this way because I was always so eager to buy into other's opinions of me.
I also wanted something from that person.
Right now all I want from him is a piece of mail that was inadvertently sent there. I also want to keep the interaction pleasant not because I want to
"give" him anything but because it is the easiest way to manage this. I have had too many days of being angry at him, feeling sorry for him and being in " reaction" to him.
These days I am willing to give myself for rather than throw away my self esteem at every interaction with someone who is profoundly ill.
Keep in mind this is a 15 minutes (at best) interaction and I am all ready for it. I would have been in reaction to his jibes, sarcasm and inferences before for months on end.
Maresie.
Jerry F said
Sep 26, 2017
Only one of the axioms (laws of detachment) that was taught to me in early program was "No one has the ability to disturb my peace of mind and serenity...unless I allow it". I don't have to use negative thoughts, feelings and behaviors in allowing it. I give away any fear I have, apply acceptance of the situation "It is what it is...not what I am" and don't allow it to continue. You DON'T HAVE TO PERMIT IT TO HAPPEN. S T O P!!! ((((hugs))))
Iamhere said
Sep 26, 2017
For most of the 'ways I was' before recovery, fear was almost always the underlying issue. Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of being alone, fear of being stuck forever, fear of financial insecurity, fear of .... The only method I know to seek out the underlying driver for who we are, how we act, react, thing, etc. is the 12 Steps in recovery. Working the program as designed and suggested gave me a snapshot of who I am and how I got here. Even better, it gives me a suggested blueprint to grow, change, heal and deal and become the best version of me - one moment and one day at a time.
Letting go was impossible for me until I understood how powerless I was. Working steps 1-2-3 gave me a higher power to remind me that I was powerless over other people, places, things and I wasn't alone. These steps prepared me deep-dive within self and get an understanding of what makes me tick, act, react. Step 4 presented to me my asset list as well as my defect list - a personalized look at me and what I really had control over.
Recovery has been the greatest gift I've ever gotten. I know now my fellowship is my tribe and I feel safe and loved in recovery. Letting go of others to be who they need to be has become easier as I've grown to know and love me more. (((hugs))) - keep coming back - you are not alone and there is always hope and help in recovery.
Skorpi said
Sep 27, 2017
For me, steps 1-2-3 were key.
I also had to admit to myself that my relationship was not currently not what I thought it should be, or wanted it to be. Letting go was really hard. REALLY hard. How could I let go of someone I cared so much about? Just stand by and watch the self-destruction?
Personally, I tend to be quite passive in relationships, and then when I've had enough, I get angry. Internally angry. I don't lash out much (although I do get short at times). I used that anger to let go. I used that anger to fuel my conviction that I needed and deserved a change.
I repeated to myself: "Nothing changes if nothing changes. I cannot keep on like this. If I really want a better life, I have to be the one to make a change."
"An alcoholic is going to do what an alcoholic is going to do. What am I going to do?"
"Is THIS what I want my life to be? No? Ok. Then do something about it."
Every time I felt myself weakening in my resolution or wanting to placate my spouse, take over, make things better, do something that they should have been doing for themself, I repeated these slogans. When I felt close to lashing out in anger, I found a meeting, made a call, or wrote in my journal. When I found that I needed to say something, I practiced saying it to myself in the mirror until it felt right coming out of my mouth.
And I focused on what I was doing. When I found myself thinking "I wonder what X is doing..." I would say a prayer, put the question in HP's hands, and bring my attention back to what I was doing. I found things to do that kept me busy. I went to 2-3 meetings a week, and I think I canned over 70 lbs of tomatoes and 5 bushels of apple sauce in two months, without a food mill, lol! I taught myself to crochet with YouTube. (My grandmother tried to teach me, but it wasn't my favorite thing as a child. She was married to an alcoholic, then divorced and raised 2 kids alone. crocheting made me feel closer to her and her strength.)
Getting to know myself and what I like to do was a big part of letting go. Keeping myself busy was important as well. Keeping my thoughts to myself about what my spouse was doing or thinking, not getting involved, not using any "you should" "in your place I would" phrases when we talked. I just listened. When I had to say something, "What do you think you want to do about that?" worked well.
Keep coming back. Letting go gets easier with practice.
Aloha Hesays and welcome to the board. We all want to be wanted some more than others. It is normal to love and be loved however....trying to get that acceptance and affirmation while caught in the disease of alcoholism won't find you in first place with your lover. Alcohol demands more of him...time, presence, loyalty, practice and attention. This is a disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions and alcohol rules. If only we could have been wanted like they wanted alcohol hmmmmmm.
Why did I want to be in love with an alcoholic and then another alcoholic and then another.....I didn't know anything about alcoholism and didn't know that I didn't know and I wanted her to want me. Insanity runs strong in this disease 24/7 and we need to be around and with those who have come to understand and to follow what they suggest and recommend us to do.
We don't come to think our way out of this or wish our way out of it using that alone to find peace of mind and serenity. We have face to face meetings and online forums and boards just like this to attend to. We have the best literature available to those who want recovery and there is the sponsorship and more.
We work our way out of it with this simple program.
I pray you keep coming back and participate with MIP and follow the suggestions. You are very important to yourself and this board. (((hugs)))
I agree with Jerry - we all need to feel valued and this is a big driver in our lives. The balance that I would like to achieve is to remain open to relationships, but to be more discerning when others tell me that they are not for me.
How do we deal with those panic attacks and bring some serenity to our life? I try to focus on the things that I enjoy and make me feel calm, and then do more of that. It takes practise, but it has been really worthwhile. I found that meditation helped, and just doing the next right thing for me.
I think for me, I wanted to stay because of my ego. I didn't want to admit that I had chosen the wrong person, made a mistake in my judgement. I didn't want to admit that I had failed. That my life was out of control. There is also a certain stigma in society that I honestly didn't want to deal with.
For me, admitting that my marriage wasn't working out, that I couldn't figure it out or make it better was the real hurtle. I had to admit that I was less-than-my-definition-of-perfect. I had to admit that I may have been wrong, or made a mistake. And, I had to let myself believe that none of that said anything about me, or my worth. I had to admit that I was growing, changing, learning, that I didn't have all the answers, and that I was making a decision "just for today". That I could change my mind if things changed.
I had to let go of my marriage. For me, that letting go resulted in creating a solid foundation for rebuilding. By letting go, I stopped enabling, my spouse hit bottom, and found recovery. So did I in AlAnon. Not all marriages work out that way, but for me, letting go is what saved my marriage and my relationship. I couldn't have imagined this result when I made the painful decision to let go. Letting go, trusting HP to work it all out, none of that is easy. But in my experience, it is worth it
Alanon face to face meetings held in most communities will provide the ongoing assistance that you will need in order to successfully recover from this relationship.
Letting go so as to move forward is a process . Meetings , the literature, slogans are all important to recovery. Please do keep coming back.
I don't know that letting go is a formula. Grieving a relationship takes work. Some people appear to do that work very quickly but it depends on what the relationship "means" to you.
There are many people in al anon who have been in your place and they are pretty open about walking through the process.
For me personally I tend to postpone seeing an alcoholic. I wait till I feel up to taking whatever it is they want to deliver.
I am tonight going to see a former roommate who is certainly an alcoholic.
This will be a 15 minute at most interaction. I do not expect it to be pleasant. I expect him to dig at me for various things he considers 'my problems'.
I expect him to allude to "all the things I do not have". I expect him to allude to the great places he is about to go to (he is selling his house).
I am ready for all those jibes, judgments and more. I also know its a 15 minute interaction which I can make as pleasant as possible with the tools of al anon.
I do not respond to his jibes. I do not take on his judgments and I do not expect very much from him.
At one time I really "bought" his opinion of me. At one time, he really got to me on many many levels.
These days I really don't have much of an opinion about what he says. I am conscious of his alcoholism and where it is taking him.
I can't say I have had too many conversations with an alcoholic which were managed in this way because I was always so eager to buy into other's opinions of me.
I also wanted something from that person.
Right now all I want from him is a piece of mail that was inadvertently sent there. I also want to keep the interaction pleasant not because I want to
"give" him anything but because it is the easiest way to manage this. I have had too many days of being angry at him, feeling sorry for him and being in " reaction" to him.
These days I am willing to give myself for rather than throw away my self esteem at every interaction with someone who is profoundly ill.
Keep in mind this is a 15 minutes (at best) interaction and I am all ready for it. I would have been in reaction to his jibes, sarcasm and inferences before for months on end.
Maresie.
Only one of the axioms (laws of detachment) that was taught to me in early program was "No one has the ability to disturb my peace of mind and serenity...unless I allow it". I don't have to use negative thoughts, feelings and behaviors in allowing it. I give away any fear I have, apply acceptance of the situation "It is what it is...not what I am" and don't allow it to continue. You DON'T HAVE TO PERMIT IT TO HAPPEN. S T O P!!! ((((hugs))))
Letting go was impossible for me until I understood how powerless I was. Working steps 1-2-3 gave me a higher power to remind me that I was powerless over other people, places, things and I wasn't alone. These steps prepared me deep-dive within self and get an understanding of what makes me tick, act, react. Step 4 presented to me my asset list as well as my defect list - a personalized look at me and what I really had control over.
Recovery has been the greatest gift I've ever gotten. I know now my fellowship is my tribe and I feel safe and loved in recovery. Letting go of others to be who they need to be has become easier as I've grown to know and love me more. (((hugs))) - keep coming back - you are not alone and there is always hope and help in recovery.
I also had to admit to myself that my relationship was not currently not what I thought it should be, or wanted it to be. Letting go was really hard. REALLY hard. How could I let go of someone I cared so much about? Just stand by and watch the self-destruction?
Personally, I tend to be quite passive in relationships, and then when I've had enough, I get angry. Internally angry. I don't lash out much (although I do get short at times). I used that anger to let go. I used that anger to fuel my conviction that I needed and deserved a change.
I repeated to myself: "Nothing changes if nothing changes. I cannot keep on like this. If I really want a better life, I have to be the one to make a change."
"An alcoholic is going to do what an alcoholic is going to do. What am I going to do?"
"Is THIS what I want my life to be? No? Ok. Then do something about it."
Every time I felt myself weakening in my resolution or wanting to placate my spouse, take over, make things better, do something that they should have been doing for themself, I repeated these slogans. When I felt close to lashing out in anger, I found a meeting, made a call, or wrote in my journal. When I found that I needed to say something, I practiced saying it to myself in the mirror until it felt right coming out of my mouth.
And I focused on what I was doing. When I found myself thinking "I wonder what X is doing..." I would say a prayer, put the question in HP's hands, and bring my attention back to what I was doing. I found things to do that kept me busy. I went to 2-3 meetings a week, and I think I canned over 70 lbs of tomatoes and 5 bushels of apple sauce in two months, without a food mill, lol! I taught myself to crochet with YouTube. (My grandmother tried to teach me, but it wasn't my favorite thing as a child. She was married to an alcoholic, then divorced and raised 2 kids alone. crocheting made me feel closer to her and her strength.)
Getting to know myself and what I like to do was a big part of letting go. Keeping myself busy was important as well. Keeping my thoughts to myself about what my spouse was doing or thinking, not getting involved, not using any "you should" "in your place I would" phrases when we talked. I just listened. When I had to say something, "What do you think you want to do about that?" worked well.
Keep coming back. Letting go gets easier with practice.