he screwed up big time and hurt me in a way I've never experienced before. It's been 5 months and he told me last night to F off after I questioned something new I heard. He says I'm mentally ill and should be over it by now. That I'm crazy and acting deranged.
Is it tiCal to shift the attention to me? To make me feel like a horrible person? To not try and correct or minimalize the damage to me?
hotrod said
Sep 25, 2017
Hello Hesaysishouldbeoverit. Welcome, To answer your question , in my experience - Yes that is typical.
Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive fatal disease over which we are powerless. This dreadful disease, manifests itself spiritually, emotionally and physically.
We who live with the insanity of the disease, develop negative coping tools in order to survive the madness,
Al-Anon is a recovery program set up for families of alcoholics. We hold face-to-face meetings in most communities, and the hotline number can be found in the white pages. These meetings helped me to break the isolation caused by living in the disease, develop new constructive tools to live by and find the support network that truly understood.
You are not alone so please keep coming back there is help and hope.
DellaElle said
Sep 25, 2017
From my experience, too, Hesaysishouldbeoverit. Everything hotrod just said.
The1975jen said
Sep 25, 2017
it is typical, so you know you are not alone :)
maryjane said
Sep 25, 2017
Yes, it is typical. He doesn't want to deal with your feelings, his feelings, the whole scenario.... so he tells you to "get over it". If you hear the term "gaslighting", this is it. He is glossing over what he did and trying to make you guilty for what you feel. Trying to making you feel crazy for what for others, (normal people), is normal feelings.
It doesn't matter to you "why" he is doing it. You can study it and study it, but you are not in his skin, so you will never really know. Just know that what you experienced is real and it really happened. You were hurt whether it is minimized by him or not. You know the truth.
Keep on taking care of yourself.
milkwood said
Sep 25, 2017
I'm so sorry that you've experienced this - yes, typical, sadly.
It is also hurtful, selfish and crazy making. And it made me loose respect for my AH when I realised what he was doing. It seemed to me that he would rather see me in pain than experience the discomfort of taking responsibility for his actions. I can blame it on the disease of alcoholism, but I can also stand in my own truth, not take it out on AH, but simply know where he's at.
Living with an alcoholic is difficult and I found it too difficult to do it on my own. Al Anon has an amazing understanding because others have been through it as well. It is worth reading more, here on other's posts, and also attending Al Anon face to face meetings if you can.
Everyone has to process hurt at their own pace, otherwise it doesn't get processed and when someone can stand by you through that, then they can be helpful, a good friend, but if they want you to just keep quiet and get over it, then they are being dismissive and unhelpful, IMHO.
Take good care of yourself, whatever you need to do for yourself to know that you are valued. You are worth it.
Iamhere said
Sep 25, 2017
I also agree - it has been very typical in my experience. I have experienced it beyond this disease as well with forms of mental illness where denial is larger than reality. Deflecting from what is or what happened to playing the blame game is one way of avoiding dealing with life on life's terms.
This drove me crazy for a long while, as I began to believe everything was my fault. I only found my way to my own truth through recovery. Today, when there is craziness and insanity around me, I do what I can to step to the side and avoid the path. I also have learned to not take it personally even when it's personal. I have left behind my distorted thinking, and all the games that I got sucked into and focus instead on living one day at a time.
This disease is progressive as Betty says and we are often as affected, if not more, than they are. Recovery gives us the tools to find our way back to true self and to find peace/joy. We've got some insanity going on now and I am 'holding my ground', just for today. I need to be reminded that I don't have to engage in every fight/issue I'm invited to and I am worthy of joy and peace!
Keep coming back -- you are not alone!
tiredtonite said
Sep 25, 2017
I've experienced it with alcoholics and non alcoholics too. Minimizing another's feeling, denial can be behaviors of just about anyone who doesn't want to take responsibility for what they've done.
Alanon can help with separating out what we are responsible for and what we are not. I'm sorry your feeling got hurt but you deserve better treatment than he is giving you. Going to face to face meetings can help you come to terms with this and to keep moving forward. ((hugs)) TT
Maresie25 said
Sep 26, 2017
Alcoholics can be very abusive and very charming and giving at the same time.
One minute you are cursed, next the saint who is going to save them.
For me personally I had to value myself. I could not look to an alcoholic in particular to value me.
I also had to put into place a lot of boundaries. I do not indulge too much in having dramatic conversations anymore.
I used to think they were cathartic.
Maresie
The1975jen said
Sep 26, 2017
Maresie, you said "I do not indulge too much in having dramatic conversations anymore.
I used to think they were cathartic." and this resonated with me. Having a heart to heart with a sober person is a different type of conversation.
Jerry F said
Sep 26, 2017
The alcoholic is as clueless as we are until they willingly see understanding from other recovering alcoholics or such. They have power because we give them power when we fail to seek understanding thru Experience, Strength and Hope within our own program. When we find it there is no guarantee that they will be positively moved toward their own sobriety. They have the ability to deny and refuse and do all of the other behaviors, thoughts and feelings anyone else can do additionally they are consumed with a mind and mood altering chemical...alcohol. Under the influence they are not near normal and to expect normal behaviors from an abnormal human being is typically us. We must come to understand so that we can free ourselves from the affects of their compulsion to drink which includes the physical allergy to it. Get into program and stay within program. This isn't going to go away anytime soon. ((((hugs))))
he screwed up big time and hurt me in a way I've never experienced before. It's been 5 months and he told me last night to F off after I questioned something new I heard. He says I'm mentally ill and should be over it by now. That I'm crazy and acting deranged.
Is it tiCal to shift the attention to me? To make me feel like a horrible person? To not try and correct or minimalize the damage to me?
Hello Hesaysishouldbeoverit. Welcome, To answer your question , in my experience - Yes that is typical.
Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive fatal disease over which we are powerless. This dreadful disease, manifests itself spiritually, emotionally and physically.
We who live with the insanity of the disease, develop negative coping tools in order to survive the madness,
Al-Anon is a recovery program set up for families of alcoholics. We hold face-to-face meetings in most communities, and the hotline number can be found in the white pages. These meetings helped me to break the isolation caused by living in the disease, develop new constructive tools to live by and find the support network that truly understood.
You are not alone so please keep coming back there is help and hope.
It doesn't matter to you "why" he is doing it. You can study it and study it, but you are not in his skin, so you will never really know. Just know that what you experienced is real and it really happened. You were hurt whether it is minimized by him or not. You know the truth.
Keep on taking care of yourself.
It is also hurtful, selfish and crazy making. And it made me loose respect for my AH when I realised what he was doing. It seemed to me that he would rather see me in pain than experience the discomfort of taking responsibility for his actions. I can blame it on the disease of alcoholism, but I can also stand in my own truth, not take it out on AH, but simply know where he's at.
Living with an alcoholic is difficult and I found it too difficult to do it on my own. Al Anon has an amazing understanding because others have been through it as well. It is worth reading more, here on other's posts, and also attending Al Anon face to face meetings if you can.
Everyone has to process hurt at their own pace, otherwise it doesn't get processed and when someone can stand by you through that, then they can be helpful, a good friend, but if they want you to just keep quiet and get over it, then they are being dismissive and unhelpful, IMHO.
Take good care of yourself, whatever you need to do for yourself to know that you are valued. You are worth it.
This drove me crazy for a long while, as I began to believe everything was my fault. I only found my way to my own truth through recovery. Today, when there is craziness and insanity around me, I do what I can to step to the side and avoid the path. I also have learned to not take it personally even when it's personal. I have left behind my distorted thinking, and all the games that I got sucked into and focus instead on living one day at a time.
This disease is progressive as Betty says and we are often as affected, if not more, than they are. Recovery gives us the tools to find our way back to true self and to find peace/joy. We've got some insanity going on now and I am 'holding my ground', just for today. I need to be reminded that I don't have to engage in every fight/issue I'm invited to and I am worthy of joy and peace!
Keep coming back -- you are not alone!
I've experienced it with alcoholics and non alcoholics too. Minimizing another's feeling, denial can be behaviors of just about anyone who doesn't want to take responsibility for what they've done.
Alanon can help with separating out what we are responsible for and what we are not. I'm sorry your feeling got hurt but you deserve better treatment than he is giving you. Going to face to face meetings can help you come to terms with this and to keep moving forward. ((hugs)) TT
Alcoholics can be very abusive and very charming and giving at the same time.
One minute you are cursed, next the saint who is going to save them.
For me personally I had to value myself. I could not look to an alcoholic in particular to value me.
I also had to put into place a lot of boundaries. I do not indulge too much in having dramatic conversations anymore.
I used to think they were cathartic.
Maresie
I used to think they were cathartic." and this resonated with me. Having a heart to heart with a sober person is a different type of conversation.
The alcoholic is as clueless as we are until they willingly see understanding from other recovering alcoholics or such. They have power because we give them power when we fail to seek understanding thru Experience, Strength and Hope within our own program. When we find it there is no guarantee that they will be positively moved toward their own sobriety. They have the ability to deny and refuse and do all of the other behaviors, thoughts and feelings anyone else can do additionally they are consumed with a mind and mood altering chemical...alcohol. Under the influence they are not near normal and to expect normal behaviors from an abnormal human being is typically us. We must come to understand so that we can free ourselves from the affects of their compulsion to drink which includes the physical allergy to it. Get into program and stay within program. This isn't going to go away anytime soon. ((((hugs))))