hi MIP family. Recently I've become better at focusing on myself and it's hit me like a ton of bricks: I've had my head down working and caring for kids for the last 15 years. It's only recently that I even consciously realized I am married to an AH. So, go through some of that shock and grief anger etc about that sitUation. Now I'm learning to focus on my own improvement and I don't really even know how to have fun, not sure what I like to do. I have hobbies that I know how to do, but I don't know that I even like doing them anymorE! I have been going to meetings & talking with sponsor & friends, but I'm still looking for ideas. I mean I literally googled "how to have fun" yesterday
Just wondering if anyone might have some ESH on this Subject- I'd love to
hear it
Iamhere said
Sep 22, 2017
Hey BethBethBeth - great topic and lovely share. I can so relate - it's almost like I had my head down, doing 'life' in a reactive state and hit a wall and then when I looked at me - I was clueless. I had worn many hats - daughter, sister, cousin, mother, wife, employee, etc. for years and just didn't really even know who I was!
It started small for me - coffee at meetings. I've always enjoyed being fit, so I set up a routine for me for working out. I love my dog and she loves walks so we did that. I added music to the walks and we just head out and do our thing. I have added golf to my life and I've fought it my whole life - actually resented the game as I was the only one in my family who did not do it. I've mostly preferred team sports. I enjoy reading, always have and picked that back up. I added service work for my groups and filled up my life with things I enjoy pretty quickly.
I love to cook and try new recipes all the time. I am blessed that my 'guys' are not super picky and like a variety of foods. I make some of my own lotions - trial and error - just so I know what goes in. Love taking photos - but I am not very good at it as I have shakey hands. I play tennis, I have a bike, I window shop, I just go/do what feels good in the moment.
HTH - I fully understand where you are - I am one who never had a job I hated, never knew a person/activity that I hated so I used that to my advantage and just did 'something' - narrowed it down from there. I also volunteer - more so in the winter because I play softball 3-4 nights a week!
Jerry F said
Sep 22, 2017
Aaaaaahhhh BethBethBeth you have reach the most exciting door of your recovery the get to know me door, the inventory door. That door is soooo exciting for me that I took it off it's hinges and left the room open and over the door way I put "Who am I and... What am I" signs. I had a sponsor who was totally dedicated in looking at those questions with me and also so intrigued at what I would find and how. Today I am not even close to the who and what I thought in the past and mostly because I did the searching and fearless and moral dig. After I did the dig I dedicated myself to practicing what I found out. I've done 6 digs, forth steps each one more searching and fearless and getting rid of the fear of what I would find the excitement grew.
Good on you girl!! I am in support. ((((hugs))))
hotrod said
Sep 22, 2017
You are not alone Beth. I am so pleased that you feel ready to enjoy life once again. Keeping the focus on ourselves does help to uncover how we have made our lives and selves invisible in order to fit into the family.
I found opera, yoga, movies, swimming, exercise. walking the beach, reading all great .You will soon discover what you enjoy. keep on keeping on
mamalioness said
Sep 22, 2017
hey Beth....i, too, am glad you are ready to ENJOY!!!! and I agree with Jerry and Betty....keeping the focus on ourselves is what step 4 is for and just, I had to work it a COUPLE of times to figure out WHO---WHAT I am and what makes me grin, lol.....with limited finances, i do manage to play my tennis, swim, WISH I could ride horses again, but oh well, maybe.....good documentaries, non-fic movies, I would just try some stuff and see how it feels......it is kinda weird , starting out..Like when I left my 2nd AH andgot into program, I had no clue who I was, what I was, what I TRULY wanted, etc., even my social circle has changed.....I mean I totally changed because NOW, I live for me..........IN SUPPORT
milkwood said
Sep 23, 2017
Hello Beth, I've googled the same question!!!! It is a great question and finding the answers can be fun and liberating.
I had no idea what I liked to do and very little will to do anything but I did have a strong sense that I needed to learn how to play again so I started with painting my nails. That turned out ok because I enjoyed finding different colours and the nails would catch my eye from time to time and remind me to take care of myself.
One day I sat down and tried to remember back to a time when I didn't feel responsible - what was I doing back then? In the past few years I've been painting again, went to university (which I adored!), started a veggie patch, oh and because I never thought I could sew I started to do patchwork and I'm really pleased with the results - who knew?!!!
My next goal is to start doing voluntary work of some kind because I like being with people and let's admit it, I do like to help!!!!
I like doing things that challenge me a bit and I try to do something, however small, everyday. Oh, one of my early achievements was to dance (prance) around the outside of my house, humming my own tune, doing that childish cantering that little girls do when they pretend to be ponies. That felt great and made me giggle!! I don't think we have to be sensible all the time.
Lyne said
Sep 23, 2017
Beth, you have come to the right place ! I lost myself too, and barely had a self to begin with. I would say I've spent 20 years in a fog, the last 12 being the worst. I did not realize my spouse had multiple addictions until over time they revealed themselves to me, or probably, I let myself "see" them. I became a person stuck in hopeless pain, depressed, obsessed, anxious, and angry . I spent years then trying to fix my A. Nothing worked until I joined Alanon over 4 years ago. Slowly, with patience and work, I have found myself. I have learned that I am worthy of love, especially , loving myself. I'm stronger and happier, and will continue to pay attention to all that Alanon has to offer. There is no "perfection," but there is plenty of "progress." Keep coming back, Lyne
el-cee said
Sep 23, 2017
Such a good question and I felt the same. I thought fun was in the future when .... add in anything really like when he got sober when the kids were older when I was thin enough when all the stars aligned. A bit like living fully or loving fully. Now fun is everywhere with every encounter or the potential for fun and it's only been available to me since I got awareness of the barriers and these were self pity anger resentments grudges martyrdom to name a few. I'm still a dressing them but there's enough room now for fun and enjoyment. Alanon have me the gift.
El said
Sep 23, 2017
I always couldnt wait to have the time to have fun. It was some elusive, out there, someday thing. I had fun through the years, but I couldnt wait for when life would be more fun than work.
Well, I am retired, kids on their own.....but it was very naive back when to think life would always be more fun than not. I wasnt thinking about elderly parents, health issues, etc., etc. Life is life and we need to savor the fun and meaningful times, being grateful for all our moments,,,,,good and not so good.
So, I make sure that even if I dont do something FUN each day, I at least do something meaningful for me each day. It could be 15 minutes of reading, knitting, researching vacations that we may or may not take. I might call my daughters, video chat with my granddaughter, browse at the library, plan my flower garden for next year. I make sure that no matter what the day brings, I do something for me! It is soooooo important to nourish our souls. It is exhausting caring for everyone, even if it is my instinct to do so.
Great topic,
Ellen
YARNCRAZY said
Sep 23, 2017
i started small by saying every morning when i woke up " First things First" to this i remind myself that i come first[ taking my meds,grooming,breakfast and any personal things. I have always liked to read and now i can walk to my library. they have activities there so i go to adult coloring class. its so nice, its free and they provide the books and coloring supplies. i have brought some of my own. we talk for a 1/2 hr,the color to music supplied by members of the group. water and sacks are there also. very relaxing. I also have always crochedted. i also coupon through the mail with 10 ladies from a former couponing online board. sometimes just alone time relaxing and having no demands put on me by others and myself is the best medicine for the soul. now i also go to a OA meeting and am a friends of the Library volunteer.
much deserved peace to u
a
tiredtonite said
Sep 25, 2017
Hi Beth,
Thanks for the question! It's a great way for all of us to learn about some new fun things to do. I understand how it is to have been so focused in one area and not know what you like to do otherwise. Unfortunately, I had been so focused on my ah that I was at a total loss as to how to even get comfortable with letting go and taking care of myself. Fun? Who had time for that, I thought. I had people to fix. lol
I started college at a non typical age and early in my Alanon recovery. I was put in study groups with people of all ages and a lot new social experiences opened up to me. We did local field trips for classes and even went on a dinner cruise in our city. I remember how shocked I was by my appearance in the mirror because it had been so long since I'd been that dressed up to go anywhere. Getting my degree later in life to this day was one of the most gratifying and yes, "fun" experiences of my life.
Like others here, I do some volunteering to give back to my community. I also tried one of those paint nites events recently. Everyone paints the same picture. Anyone can do it and feel like an artist because a local artist instructs participants step by step. I thought I would never like it but decided to keep an open mind and go. Well surprise, I thought it was actually very relaxing and a lot of fun.
I am practicing yoga five years now. This was another thing I thought I would not like but thought hey what the heck... step out of your comfort zone and see what you think. Again, I was surprised. This year I decided to take it to a new level and go to a two day retreat for the purpose of preparing to teach yoga. I decided to just give this gift and healthy challenge to myself. I was one of the oldest participants, I couldn't do all the poses but I could do many of them. I felt proud of me, beth. My instructor at home has always told us to be where we are and to let go of competition. In the zone, on my mat, it's me and my hp. Music plays, the teacher's voice is soothing and we are gently guided through the moves. For me, it's been another way to be in my conscious contact with my higher power and offer my gratitude through movement.
So, my suggestion would be to try something you think you'd never like doing because you might be surprised.
I'm considering ziplining LOL maybe! ((hugs))) TT
LinSC said
Sep 26, 2017
Ha, ha I did the same thing, googled "how to have fun" you are not alone, I missed so many years entrenched in my husband and kids.... until I looked up one day and said what am I doing, where am I headed. But smaller questions such as what do I really like to do? What makes me laugh and what are my gifts. The first half of life I just put one foot in front of the other and did what needed to be done next. And never looked up. Now I am in my second half of life, and I am going to do it my way as much as I possibly can. Good questions.... keep asking them.
hi MIP family. Recently I've become better at focusing on myself and it's hit me like a ton of bricks: I've had my head down working and caring for kids for the last 15 years. It's only recently that I even consciously realized I am married to an AH. So, go through some of that shock and grief anger etc about that sitUation. Now I'm learning to focus on my own improvement and I don't really even know how to have fun, not sure what I like to do. I have hobbies that I know how to do, but I don't know that I even like doing them anymorE! I have been going to meetings & talking with sponsor & friends, but I'm still looking for ideas. I mean I literally googled "how to have fun" yesterday
Just wondering if anyone might have some ESH on this Subject- I'd love to
hear it
It started small for me - coffee at meetings. I've always enjoyed being fit, so I set up a routine for me for working out. I love my dog and she loves walks so we did that. I added music to the walks and we just head out and do our thing. I have added golf to my life and I've fought it my whole life - actually resented the game as I was the only one in my family who did not do it. I've mostly preferred team sports. I enjoy reading, always have and picked that back up. I added service work for my groups and filled up my life with things I enjoy pretty quickly.
I love to cook and try new recipes all the time. I am blessed that my 'guys' are not super picky and like a variety of foods. I make some of my own lotions - trial and error - just so I know what goes in. Love taking photos - but I am not very good at it as I have shakey hands. I play tennis, I have a bike, I window shop, I just go/do what feels good in the moment.
HTH - I fully understand where you are - I am one who never had a job I hated, never knew a person/activity that I hated so I used that to my advantage and just did 'something' - narrowed it down from there. I also volunteer - more so in the winter because I play softball 3-4 nights a week!
Aaaaaahhhh BethBethBeth you have reach the most exciting door of your recovery the get to know me door, the inventory door. That door is soooo exciting for me that I took it off it's hinges and left the room open and over the door way I put "Who am I and... What am I" signs. I had a sponsor who was totally dedicated in looking at those questions with me and also so intrigued at what I would find and how. Today I am not even close to the who and what I thought in the past and mostly because I did the searching and fearless and moral dig. After I did the dig I dedicated myself to practicing what I found out. I've done 6 digs, forth steps each one more searching and fearless and getting rid of the fear of what I would find the excitement grew.
Good on you girl!! I am in support. ((((hugs))))
I found opera, yoga, movies, swimming, exercise. walking the beach, reading all great .You will soon discover what you enjoy. keep on keeping on
I had no idea what I liked to do and very little will to do anything but I did have a strong sense that I needed to learn how to play again so I started with painting my nails. That turned out ok because I enjoyed finding different colours and the nails would catch my eye from time to time and remind me to take care of myself.
One day I sat down and tried to remember back to a time when I didn't feel responsible - what was I doing back then? In the past few years I've been painting again, went to university (which I adored!), started a veggie patch, oh and because I never thought I could sew I started to do patchwork and I'm really pleased with the results - who knew?!!!
My next goal is to start doing voluntary work of some kind because I like being with people and let's admit it, I do like to help!!!!
I like doing things that challenge me a bit and I try to do something, however small, everyday. Oh, one of my early achievements was to dance (prance) around the outside of my house, humming my own tune, doing that childish cantering that little girls do when they pretend to be ponies.
I always couldnt wait to have the time to have fun. It was some elusive, out there, someday thing. I had fun through the years, but I couldnt wait for when life would be more fun than work.
Well, I am retired, kids on their own.....but it was very naive back when to think life would always be more fun than not. I wasnt thinking about elderly parents, health issues, etc., etc. Life is life and we need to savor the fun and meaningful times, being grateful for all our moments,,,,,good and not so good.
So, I make sure that even if I dont do something FUN each day, I at least do something meaningful for me each day. It could be 15 minutes of reading, knitting, researching vacations that we may or may not take. I might call my daughters, video chat with my granddaughter, browse at the library, plan my flower garden for next year. I make sure that no matter what the day brings, I do something for me! It is soooooo important to nourish our souls. It is exhausting caring for everyone, even if it is my instinct to do so.
Great topic,
Ellen
much deserved peace to u
a
Hi Beth,
Thanks for the question! It's a great way for all of us to learn about some new fun things to do. I understand how it is to have been so focused in one area and not know what you like to do otherwise. Unfortunately, I had been so focused on my ah that I was at a total loss as to how to even get comfortable with letting go and taking care of myself. Fun? Who had time for that, I thought. I had people to fix.
lol
I started college at a non typical age and early in my Alanon recovery. I was put in study groups with people of all ages and a lot new social experiences opened up to me. We did local field trips for classes and even went on a dinner cruise in our city. I remember how shocked I was by my appearance in the mirror because it had been so long since I'd been that dressed up to go anywhere. Getting my degree later in life to this day was one of the most gratifying and yes, "fun" experiences of my life.
Like others here, I do some volunteering to give back to my community. I also tried one of those paint nites events recently. Everyone paints the same picture. Anyone can do it and feel like an artist because a local artist instructs participants step by step. I thought I would never like it but decided to keep an open mind and go. Well surprise, I thought it was actually very relaxing and a lot of fun.
I am practicing yoga five years now. This was another thing I thought I would not like but thought hey what the heck... step out of your comfort zone and see what you think. Again, I was surprised. This year I decided to take it to a new level and go to a two day retreat for the purpose of preparing to teach yoga. I decided to just give this gift and healthy challenge to myself. I was one of the oldest participants, I couldn't do all the poses but I could do many of them. I felt proud of me, beth. My instructor at home has always told us to be where we are and to let go of competition. In the zone, on my mat, it's me and my hp. Music plays, the teacher's voice is soothing and we are gently guided through the moves. For me, it's been another way to be in my conscious contact with my higher power and offer my gratitude through movement.
So, my suggestion would be to try something you think you'd never like doing because you might be surprised.
I'm considering ziplining
LOL maybe! ((hugs))) TT
Ha, ha I did the same thing, googled "how to have fun" you are not alone, I missed so many years entrenched in my husband and kids.... until I looked up one day and said what am I doing, where am I headed. But smaller questions such as what do I really like to do? What makes me laugh and what are my gifts. The first half of life I just put one foot in front of the other and did what needed to be done next. And never looked up. Now I am in my second half of life, and I am going to do it my way as much as I possibly can. Good questions.... keep asking them.
Linsc