I'm new to this online forum; just looking for some support for myself.
I have been married to my husband 6 years tomorrow, we have been good friends for over 20 (we met in elementary school) and have a 2 1/2 year old son. He has struggled with addiction (poly-addict, mostly alcohol, weed, synthetic weed, and pills) since he was a teenager, and has been to different rehabs and op treatment centers, all of which have been court ordered or forced by his family until this past January. He was diagnosed with Biploar disorder in 2014 and has been on meds since (except for last year). Him and I separated for almost a year in 2015-2016 and after a stay in CA, and TN he was homeless for 6 months. In January he decided that enough was enough and checked himself in to a treatment facility. He did intensive inpatient treatment for about 6 weeks and then went to sober living and did nightly meetings for about 3-4 months. We ended up rekindling our relationship and moved back in together. He got a job, got back into college and bought his own car and did like a 180 switch over the course of 7-8 months.
Things slowly started changing a few weeks ago. I came home one day on my break from work to pick up our son's stuffed animal to bring to my mom so she can watch him, and I found him passed out on the couch when he was supposed to be at work. Again, this week I called him and when he answered he sounded intoxicated, but swore it was just because he was "tired". Yesterday, I drove by his job (him and I get off about the same time each day) to meet him to get groceries and his car wasn't in the parking lot. I went around back to where the managers park (he's training to be a manager) and he wasn't there either. My heart sank and I knew what was going on....I had been through this song and dance too many other times with him. I thought to myself, well, maybe he had car troubles and got a ride to work (he has an older car). I called his job and asked to speak to him and they said he had left early that day. I call his cell and ask where he's at. "I'm at work" and I told him no, and then we argued back and forth (Which I know is not the right thing to do, but after 9 months I went into panic mode). I told him I was at his job and waiting for him and knew he wasn't there. He thought I was bluffing and pulled up real quick. That's when he was caught. He still tried to act like he was there the whole time (even though he pulled up next to me..I guess he was pulling at straws to cover it up). He then admitted he "messed up" today and that he drank. I was quiet. I showed my irritation but I was very quiet and cold. I didn't know what to do, and I didn't want to get into an argument. He looked online for some NA meetings and drove to one almost an hour away in DC. Not sure if he actually went to one, because there are local ones he could have gone to but I didn't argue.
Basically I am at a loss and I don't know what to do. How to I detach myself and keep myself and son safe? How do I support my husband, but not enable him? I know that no one can give true advice, I mostly just feel alone and needing to vent if anything. I am just hoping he will continue his road to sobriety again.
Iamhere said
Sep 22, 2017
Welcome to MIP Emily - glad you found us and glad that you shared. I'm so very sorry for the relapse and the anxiety/pain it has brought to you....I can so relate and wanted you to know I hear you and you are not alone.
I vividly remember my 'emotional reaction' to relapse and the fear that came crashing in. Even with Al-Anon recovery, my first thoughts were awful, gloom and doom. My best suggestion is do as he is doing for his relapse - find a meeting, get some local support and seek to return your focus to yourself/son.
Each relapse brought me right back to Step One - I had to admit I was powerless over alcohol, and my life (in that moment) was very unmanageable. I then had to do all that was suggested to keep myself from falling down the rabbit hole that I really wanting to crawl into and avoid reality.
The Al-Anon program has been what I needed to help me heal/deal with this disease, each step of the way. Left to my own devices, I can easily return to the scared, angry mad woman I was before I got here. Relapse is as maddening as BR (before recovery) yet I had to accept that what they did next was well beyond my circle of influence - I could only offer support and work on me.
Again - so sorry for where things are. Sending you and family positive thoughts and prayers. This disease is progressive and powerful - all each of us has is today - just today to do/thinking/love/etc. Be gentle and do something just for you, just for today!
Emily Bronwyn said
Sep 22, 2017
Thank you for your kinds words of encouragement. I will remember that I am powerless over this disease, and that his recovery is his own and I can only support him. I will remember to take care of myself and my son, I admit there are times I forget about my own mental and physical wellbeing.
Jerry F said
Sep 22, 2017
Aloha Emily and welcome to the board. Please commit for yourself to keep coming back...The Experience, Strength and Hope of recovery is here with the deep and wide support for your peace of mind and serenity. You are experiencing the power of addiction, alcoholism as we have. We have been there and done that as you are doing. I did the road trips trying to find my alcoholic/addict wife; was she drinking and using. She also relapsed and I entered Al-Anon and AA both two times myself. The second time I stayed in Al-Anon learning to focus my attention on my primary solution...me. She eventually got clean and sober and I still got the divorce because I would not survive another relapse...The disease is too much...too fatal and I have seen it take not only the alcoholic and also the friends, family, spouses and associates of the addicted. There is sooooo much principals in our program which have become the foundation of my life today and I will and do keep coming back to give and get support as it was given to me unconditionally at first.
Your child needs to be with sane and sober conditions which mostly you are able to provide with help. If you are not attending face to face meetings or on-line meetings I would suggest that you do as the inter-reaction with those who have found the solutions is most important. Your husband knows more and has experience more recovery that you have even as he is fighting the daily compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body. When I came to understand that I turned my wife over to a power greater than myself and let go absolutely. Last time I saw her she was beautifully clean and sober and I played no part in that other that to get out of the way between her and her Higher Power.
This works when you work it. Stick around for more suggestions on how others have done it for them selves which you can duplicate for similar results. ((((hugs))))
Emily Bronwyn said
Sep 22, 2017
Thank you for your thoughts and support. It has been less than 24 hours since I discovered his relapse so I am not sure what I will do next. I plan on supporting his continued recovery and sobriety, and getting support myself. It is hard to make live meetings because of my son, but I have found some in my area and I will call to see if he is welcome (or at least find a babysitter). I did find an online al anon meeting that takes place tonight, which I plan on attending. I hope I find continued support and guidance there as well.
Iamhere said
Sep 22, 2017
Emily - not sure about your area but some meetings do have childcare available in mine. Certainly call the local office and ask - then you know. Also, there are meetings here twice a day. If you look to the top, left hand side, you will see the schedule and the link to the chat room. I've attended online meetings here and they were awesome when I had difficulties getting out for meetings.
Hope that helps a bit more - (((hugs)))!
Maresie25 said
Sep 22, 2017
There is an online meeting here as well as a chat room that I have found helpful in the past.
I am sorry about your husband' s relapse. Relapse prevention is such a big part of recovery.
I spent a lot of time checking up on the now ex A. I knew all along of course but I had to put myself through that checking up stuff.
I felt a tremendous sense of betrayal at finding out the now Ex A was doing what he was doing.
Really I think he was doing it all along but he was hiding it well.
The problem was the good times when he was "functioning" were pretty good. I kept holding out for the "good times" to return.
They didn't.
I have met many many people in AA who relapsed all the time, then they got sober. Their lives are pretty attractive.
I do know people who got sober who have good relationships who have jobs who are responsible.
I just don't know the formula of who does and who doesn't.
Al anon helped me to learn that the now EX A was not going to be one of them. That was an accurate decision because years later he is certainly not stable and his life is
a mess. I had nothing to do with that mess.
At some point the now ex A wanted to use more than he wanted the relationship. For him the relationship was in the way of his using.
I got out of the way. But I didn't do it until I was flat on my back and completely exhausted.
These days with friends, co workers, family members I try to get out of the way a little earlier.
Maresie
Maresie.
Emily Bronwyn said
Sep 22, 2017
Maresie,
There were many times in my relatively short marriage where I felt like enough was enough. I even filed for divorce last October when his addictive behaviors were at their worst. But, again, I kept holding onto hope each time I saw a spark of the person I fell in love with. I'm doing that again, but I know all to well that this is a lifelong illness and a constant battle; only a few are ever able to get sober and obstain permanent and rebuild their life completely.
I will say that there are times when my husband does have a stronger will power and drive than me. I have my own issues so I can understand the battles of addiction and self-medicating. For example, he was able to give up drugs and alcohol for a whole 9 months and I can barely give up junk food for 2. I know it's two completely different things (food can't make you loose your job, fail a drug test, split up a family, etc) but what I am saying is I believe if he really wants this new life that he will get himself back on track.
I hope so...for our family. But mostly for himself.
hotrod said
Sep 22, 2017
Hi Emily Sending positive thoughts your way Just a thought as to your" log on name"-- if it is your true name-I suggest that you change it so that you can remain anonymous. Please keep coming back.
mamalioness said
Sep 22, 2017
hey Emily, I did a post on enabling which will give you an idea about it..I got some great responses so you will have a good reference point.....sorry hubs messed up, but Al-anon is for you to keep the focus on you.....please keep coming back.........IN SUPPORT
I'm new to this online forum; just looking for some support for myself.
I have been married to my husband 6 years tomorrow, we have been good friends for over 20 (we met in elementary school) and have a 2 1/2 year old son. He has struggled with addiction (poly-addict, mostly alcohol, weed, synthetic weed, and pills) since he was a teenager, and has been to different rehabs and op treatment centers, all of which have been court ordered or forced by his family until this past January. He was diagnosed with Biploar disorder in 2014 and has been on meds since (except for last year). Him and I separated for almost a year in 2015-2016 and after a stay in CA, and TN he was homeless for 6 months. In January he decided that enough was enough and checked himself in to a treatment facility. He did intensive inpatient treatment for about 6 weeks and then went to sober living and did nightly meetings for about 3-4 months. We ended up rekindling our relationship and moved back in together. He got a job, got back into college and bought his own car and did like a 180 switch over the course of 7-8 months.
Things slowly started changing a few weeks ago. I came home one day on my break from work to pick up our son's stuffed animal to bring to my mom so she can watch him, and I found him passed out on the couch when he was supposed to be at work. Again, this week I called him and when he answered he sounded intoxicated, but swore it was just because he was "tired". Yesterday, I drove by his job (him and I get off about the same time each day) to meet him to get groceries and his car wasn't in the parking lot. I went around back to where the managers park (he's training to be a manager) and he wasn't there either. My heart sank and I knew what was going on....I had been through this song and dance too many other times with him. I thought to myself, well, maybe he had car troubles and got a ride to work (he has an older car). I called his job and asked to speak to him and they said he had left early that day. I call his cell and ask where he's at. "I'm at work" and I told him no, and then we argued back and forth (Which I know is not the right thing to do, but after 9 months I went into panic mode). I told him I was at his job and waiting for him and knew he wasn't there. He thought I was bluffing and pulled up real quick. That's when he was caught. He still tried to act like he was there the whole time (even though he pulled up next to me..I guess he was pulling at straws to cover it up). He then admitted he "messed up" today and that he drank. I was quiet. I showed my irritation but I was very quiet and cold. I didn't know what to do, and I didn't want to get into an argument. He looked online for some NA meetings and drove to one almost an hour away in DC. Not sure if he actually went to one, because there are local ones he could have gone to but I didn't argue.
Basically I am at a loss and I don't know what to do. How to I detach myself and keep myself and son safe? How do I support my husband, but not enable him? I know that no one can give true advice, I mostly just feel alone and needing to vent if anything. I am just hoping he will continue his road to sobriety again.
I vividly remember my 'emotional reaction' to relapse and the fear that came crashing in. Even with Al-Anon recovery, my first thoughts were awful, gloom and doom. My best suggestion is do as he is doing for his relapse - find a meeting, get some local support and seek to return your focus to yourself/son.
Each relapse brought me right back to Step One - I had to admit I was powerless over alcohol, and my life (in that moment) was very unmanageable. I then had to do all that was suggested to keep myself from falling down the rabbit hole that I really wanting to crawl into and avoid reality.
The Al-Anon program has been what I needed to help me heal/deal with this disease, each step of the way. Left to my own devices, I can easily return to the scared, angry mad woman I was before I got here. Relapse is as maddening as BR (before recovery) yet I had to accept that what they did next was well beyond my circle of influence - I could only offer support and work on me.
Again - so sorry for where things are. Sending you and family positive thoughts and prayers. This disease is progressive and powerful - all each of us has is today - just today to do/thinking/love/etc. Be gentle and do something just for you, just for today!
Aloha Emily and welcome to the board. Please commit for yourself to keep coming back...The Experience, Strength and Hope of recovery is here with the deep and wide support for your peace of mind and serenity. You are experiencing the power of addiction, alcoholism as we have. We have been there and done that as you are doing. I did the road trips trying to find my alcoholic/addict wife; was she drinking and using. She also relapsed and I entered Al-Anon and AA both two times myself. The second time I stayed in Al-Anon learning to focus my attention on my primary solution...me. She eventually got clean and sober and I still got the divorce because I would not survive another relapse...The disease is too much...too fatal and I have seen it take not only the alcoholic and also the friends, family, spouses and associates of the addicted. There is sooooo much principals in our program which have become the foundation of my life today and I will and do keep coming back to give and get support as it was given to me unconditionally at first.
Your child needs to be with sane and sober conditions which mostly you are able to provide with help. If you are not attending face to face meetings or on-line meetings I would suggest that you do as the inter-reaction with those who have found the solutions is most important. Your husband knows more and has experience more recovery that you have even as he is fighting the daily compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body. When I came to understand that I turned my wife over to a power greater than myself and let go absolutely. Last time I saw her she was beautifully clean and sober and I played no part in that other that to get out of the way between her and her Higher Power.
This works when you work it. Stick around for more suggestions on how others have done it for them selves which you can duplicate for similar results. ((((hugs))))
Hope that helps a bit more - (((hugs)))!
There is an online meeting here as well as a chat room that I have found helpful in the past.
I am sorry about your husband' s relapse. Relapse prevention is such a big part of recovery.
I spent a lot of time checking up on the now ex A. I knew all along of course but I had to put myself through that checking up stuff.
I felt a tremendous sense of betrayal at finding out the now Ex A was doing what he was doing.
Really I think he was doing it all along but he was hiding it well.
The problem was the good times when he was "functioning" were pretty good. I kept holding out for the "good times" to return.
They didn't.
I have met many many people in AA who relapsed all the time, then they got sober. Their lives are pretty attractive.
I do know people who got sober who have good relationships who have jobs who are responsible.
I just don't know the formula of who does and who doesn't.
Al anon helped me to learn that the now EX A was not going to be one of them. That was an accurate decision because years later he is certainly not stable and his life is
a mess. I had nothing to do with that mess.
At some point the now ex A wanted to use more than he wanted the relationship. For him the relationship was in the way of his using.
I got out of the way. But I didn't do it until I was flat on my back and completely exhausted.
These days with friends, co workers, family members I try to get out of the way a little earlier.
Maresie
Maresie.
There were many times in my relatively short marriage where I felt like enough was enough. I even filed for divorce last October when his addictive behaviors were at their worst. But, again, I kept holding onto hope each time I saw a spark of the person I fell in love with. I'm doing that again, but I know all to well that this is a lifelong illness and a constant battle; only a few are ever able to get sober and obstain permanent and rebuild their life completely.
I will say that there are times when my husband does have a stronger will power and drive than me. I have my own issues so I can understand the battles of addiction and self-medicating. For example, he was able to give up drugs and alcohol for a whole 9 months and I can barely give up junk food for 2. I know it's two completely different things (food can't make you loose your job, fail a drug test, split up a family, etc) but what I am saying is I believe if he really wants this new life that he will get himself back on track.
I hope so...for our family. But mostly for himself.