AH has been guilting me about going to al anon. He says hes not an alcoholic. That im crazy, and I obviously dont know what an alcoholic looks like. I told him Im going because Ive been affected by his drinking but he made me really question myself. I also think he gaslights me. Anyway, on Monday AH brought home two 6 packs...I didn't say a word. He got defensive as soon as he walked in and said he wasn't going to drink until the weekend. Then last night he came home with a 12 pack and finished it all. I am irritated beyond belief. I have been basically chanting all morning. The 3 c's, the serenity prayer, etc. I think in his mind hes keeping his promise to himself because he didn't drink the beer from Monday? I don't know. I've been trying not to count his bottles and cans in the morning but I can't help it. It's like a compulsion. But at least now I'm sure that I'm doing the right thing for me by going to meetings. Sorry for the rant. Thanks for listening.
Lyne said
Sep 21, 2017
Hi Cmag3-In the past I thought I could have a reasonable and rational conversation with my A and guess what? It's impossible ! I was also called crazy and that my A was not an alcoholic (someone who drank and drove, slurred words, and was off balance when walking). Yes I used to get beyond irritated. Enraged, depressed, obsessed, anxious -all those words fit. My A couldn't even take in what Alanon was about. Fast forward 4 years in program, I am doing better than ever before-stronger, wiser, and I know I am not crazy. It took me a long time to calm down, get centered, and learn to practice detachment. I'm not saying it's easy, but it is possible to feel much better whether you stay with the A or not. Keep coming back, Lyne
milkwood said
Sep 21, 2017
Hi Cmag-3 - great to see that you can see the benefits of going to meetings. Of course the Alcohol gremlins try to talk us out of getting the support we need and I like to imagine them skulking off to huddle in a grizzle when their plans don't work! I try to given them as little attention as possible.
Gaslighting is ghastly - it really did make me doubt myself at times but when I came to trust my own thinking it became much easier to resist and eventually it stopped altogether.
Well done ((((hugs))))
el-cee said
Sep 21, 2017
Amazing progress. Not only are you looking at your own thinking and seeing your compulsion but your recognising your own need for recovery and using the tools. It seems to me your mind is wide open to letting in the spiritual solutions.
MizzB said
Sep 21, 2017
Hi, You are doing great. I find al-anon supportive for everything - work stress, the fear of relapse, the alcoholic behaviour. My partner was in aa and still had denial about his alcoholism because he wasn't drinking spirits. he was also in denial because he separated "drinking" and "getting drunk". It's taken over a year of hell and a hospitalisation for him to finally break through some of the denial. SO I go to al-anon even when he's not drinking because I ahve anxiety about work as a result of his drinking debts and fear of relapse and it helps me let go of a lot of things - even to do with work which is seemingly unrelated. Your meetings are your business, so well done for keeping going.
Jerry F said
Sep 21, 2017
I find this post and responses so awesome!! Wow!! The responses are so right on to what I was brought to realize when I first got here and now to read this after the fact I am very pleasantly amazed. MIP Family rocks in the rightest of directions. YAY (((((hugs)))))
OH and of course the alcoholic can feel fear and guilt and all the other feelings we have...Right On.
-- Edited by Jerry F on Thursday 21st of September 2017 12:39:59 PM
PosiesandPuppies said
Sep 21, 2017
Hugs, ((((Cmag3))))!
My AH was the biggest gaslighter! It wasn't until I joined Al-Anon and heard the term did I Google it and found out just how bad he was.... and more importantly just how bad it was affecting me!!!
The fact that you are so self-aware, and aware of your compulsion is awesome! It means that YOUR journey to health and wellness won't be as hard. Keep coming back, post, read, go to F2F meetings, get a sponsor... all those things help YOU on YOUR path to wellness, regardless what your Qualifier does.
Namaste
Iamhere said
Sep 21, 2017
(((Cmag3))) - I'm with those above me - you're doing great...I am reminded of the slogan, "What others think of me is not my business." This so applied and kept me focused in my home in early recovery. I also had to keep reminding myself that it is the disease talking and walked around with a Q-Tip in my pocket for ages....it reminded me to Quit Taking It Personally - even when I was the target of the attack.
In my home, my 'guys' did not want me to get well. Any restoration to sanity was a huge threat to their disease. That's exactly how they thought until it happened. What the reality is now is more peace, more joy and way less confrontation/fighting. I just don't engage any longer with it and use the program as best I can to preserve my serenity.
Sending you positive thoughts and prayers - it's really hard to go against the grain, yet it's been so worth it for me!
El said
Sep 21, 2017
Hello Cmag3,
When I started attending meetings a few years ago, I ran into the same thing you are experiencing. My AH gave me a real hard time about the meetings and anything I said to him about it meant nothing. I kept going, but boy did he have an attitude about it. He was convinced I was sitting there complaining about him.
Due to illness and life events I was sporadic about going for awhile, but have now found 2 meetings that I love. Even though I wasn't attending meetings regularly, I still read my literature everyday and logged onto this site. I was still absorbing, gaining ESH from the wonderful folks here and I guess was still absorbing a lot of good insight and tools to practice.
AH's use has increased and I knew I HAD to get back to meetings. Perhaps I feel stronger in my program, perhaps because I didn't JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain) perhaps because my demeanor was now saying what I mean, meaning what I say and not saying it mean.......I have not received any flack from him. I simply stated without nuances of anger that I was going to be out a couple of times a week for Alanon. I found a couple of groups that I really like; wonderful people, so I would be there such and such a day or night. He never said a word! No sarcasm, accusations, guilt, making me feel like I was nuts, etc.
Was I too wishy -washy before? Did I come across that he was making me go? Did I go in anger and disgust? I don't know and back then the answer is "probably." However, I now know that I really don't care WHAT he says or thinks.....I am doing this for me. It is time to focus on me.
I am not suggesting that you have come across in any particular way about the meetings, Cmag........your post just made me reflect back on behaviors that sound identical to what I went through.
Take good care of YOU! ((((Hugs)))
Ellen
_bunny_ said
Sep 21, 2017
(((Cmag3))) I can relate to those conflicting feelings and the drama of it all in the beginning. My AH had an issue with me attending meetings also because I made a change in the merry go round routine he had been dependent on. I was no longer available to enable his disease if I was attending meetings, and I attended them a lot and I still do. It took every bit of courage I had left in me to stand up to this horrid disease and do what was best for me regardless of what my AHs opinion of it was. Today my life is beautiful, my husband is still an active drinker and not in recovery, but because I found the courage and strength to change me, he and I have both reaped the rewards. There are times I still become irritated over people, places and things and my very lovely, but sometimes toxic AH says to me "I think you need a meeting", lol, thank you for the reminder hubby, let it begin with you :)
Maresie25 said
Sep 21, 2017
These days when people show me they dislike me it really does not bother me at all. I don't flaunt that I could absolutely care less what they think of me but I never imagined I would get there.
The most important opinion for me is my own opinion. I have to like me, treasure me and value me.
Certainly I don't put my life out there for someone to approve of. I have friends who dramatically disapprove of the things I spend money on. One of them absolutely expects me to work a great deal.
At one time, their opinions would have submerged me and I would be in endless arguments trying to get them to see 'My way".
Whatever your significant other's opinion is that is "his". That does not have to be yours.
Personally I would never give someone the gift of telling them that I did anything because of what they did to me. Right now I go to al anon for me. I don't go because I am around an alcoholic.
I know, of course, that our whole society is suffused with alcoholics. Alcoholism is not the only reason I go to al anon. Being able to detach, focus on myself is a great tool regardless of the environment I live in.
Working on the detachment tool is a great way to separate yourself from others. It is a great way to "let go". Sometimes I have to "let go" on the hour every hour of things I have no control over.
Practice Practice Practice. Eventually those tools start working.
Maresie.
PS This state of mind did not happen overnight. There was nothing magical about it. I got there by being willing to go to a lot of lengths to stop being in so much pain about other people's opinion of me.
I don't challenge or go out of my way to scorn people who don't like me I don't respond. That is one of the best tools I have found. It is extremely hard to do but eventually it pays off in dividends.
Cmag3 said
Sep 21, 2017
Thank you all so much for your kind responses! This board has been a blessing in the short time since I found it. It is so nice to finally realize that I am not the only one going through this stuff.
AH has been guilting me about going to al anon. He says hes not an alcoholic. That im crazy, and I obviously dont know what an alcoholic looks like. I told him Im going because Ive been affected by his drinking but he made me really question myself. I also think he gaslights me. Anyway, on Monday AH brought home two 6 packs...I didn't say a word. He got defensive as soon as he walked in and said he wasn't going to drink until the weekend. Then last night he came home with a 12 pack and finished it all. I am irritated beyond belief. I have been basically chanting all morning. The 3 c's, the serenity prayer, etc. I think in his mind hes keeping his promise to himself because he didn't drink the beer from Monday? I don't know. I've been trying not to count his bottles and cans in the morning but I can't help it. It's like a compulsion. But at least now I'm sure that I'm doing the right thing for me by going to meetings. Sorry for the rant. Thanks for listening.
Gaslighting is ghastly - it really did make me doubt myself at times but when I came to trust my own thinking it became much easier to resist and eventually it stopped altogether.
Well done ((((hugs))))
I find this post and responses so awesome!! Wow!! The responses are so right on to what I was brought to realize when I first got here and now to read this after the fact I am very pleasantly amazed. MIP Family rocks in the rightest of directions. YAY (((((hugs)))))
OH and of course the alcoholic can feel fear and guilt and all the other feelings we have...Right On.
-- Edited by Jerry F on Thursday 21st of September 2017 12:39:59 PM
My AH was the biggest gaslighter! It wasn't until I joined Al-Anon and heard the term did I Google it and found out just how bad he was.... and more importantly just how bad it was affecting me!!!
The fact that you are so self-aware, and aware of your compulsion is awesome! It means that YOUR journey to health and wellness won't be as hard. Keep coming back, post, read, go to F2F meetings, get a sponsor... all those things help YOU on YOUR path to wellness, regardless what your Qualifier does.
Namaste
In my home, my 'guys' did not want me to get well. Any restoration to sanity was a huge threat to their disease. That's exactly how they thought until it happened. What the reality is now is more peace, more joy and way less confrontation/fighting. I just don't engage any longer with it and use the program as best I can to preserve my serenity.
Sending you positive thoughts and prayers - it's really hard to go against the grain, yet it's been so worth it for me!
Hello Cmag3,
When I started attending meetings a few years ago, I ran into the same thing you are experiencing. My AH gave me a real hard time about the meetings and anything I said to him about it meant nothing. I kept going, but boy did he have an attitude about it. He was convinced I was sitting there complaining about him.
Due to illness and life events I was sporadic about going for awhile, but have now found 2 meetings that I love. Even though I wasn't attending meetings regularly, I still read my literature everyday and logged onto this site. I was still absorbing, gaining ESH from the wonderful folks here and I guess was still absorbing a lot of good insight and tools to practice.
AH's use has increased and I knew I HAD to get back to meetings. Perhaps I feel stronger in my program, perhaps because I didn't JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain) perhaps because my demeanor was now saying what I mean, meaning what I say and not saying it mean.......I have not received any flack from him. I simply stated without nuances of anger that I was going to be out a couple of times a week for Alanon. I found a couple of groups that I really like; wonderful people, so I would be there such and such a day or night. He never said a word! No sarcasm, accusations, guilt, making me feel like I was nuts, etc.
Was I too wishy -washy before? Did I come across that he was making me go? Did I go in anger and disgust? I don't know and back then the answer is "probably." However, I now know that I really don't care WHAT he says or thinks.....I am doing this for me. It is time to focus on me.
I am not suggesting that you have come across in any particular way about the meetings, Cmag........your post just made me reflect back on behaviors that sound identical to what I went through.
Take good care of YOU! ((((Hugs)))
Ellen
These days when people show me they dislike me it really does not bother me at all. I don't flaunt that I could absolutely care less what they think of me but I never imagined I would get there.
The most important opinion for me is my own opinion. I have to like me, treasure me and value me.
Certainly I don't put my life out there for someone to approve of. I have friends who dramatically disapprove of the things I spend money on. One of them absolutely expects me to work a great deal.
At one time, their opinions would have submerged me and I would be in endless arguments trying to get them to see 'My way".
Whatever your significant other's opinion is that is "his". That does not have to be yours.
Personally I would never give someone the gift of telling them that I did anything because of what they did to me. Right now I go to al anon for me. I don't go because I am around an alcoholic.
I know, of course, that our whole society is suffused with alcoholics. Alcoholism is not the only reason I go to al anon. Being able to detach, focus on myself is a great tool regardless of the environment I live in.
Working on the detachment tool is a great way to separate yourself from others. It is a great way to "let go". Sometimes I have to "let go" on the hour every hour of things I have no control over.
Practice Practice Practice. Eventually those tools start working.
Maresie.
PS This state of mind did not happen overnight. There was nothing magical about it. I got there by being willing to go to a lot of lengths to stop being in so much pain about other people's opinion of me.
I don't challenge or go out of my way to scorn people who don't like me I don't respond. That is one of the best tools I have found. It is extremely hard to do but eventually it pays off in dividends.