I have so many well meaning friends who have little understanding of life with an active alcoholic. The most common piece of advice I hear is, "You should sit down and talk to him about his drinking and how it affects you". I just nod my head because they don't understand the situation at all. You cannot just sit down and talk it out with an alcoholic. They do not have the same perception of reality as the sober partner. They do not see the problem. They definitely don't see a need to go and obtain outside help. They believe they can control their drinking and that we are being over reactive and dramatic. Even if you can catch them in a sober place, they are still clouded by the extreme denial that comes with this disease. So having a conversation about how I feel, or what I want for myself and our relationship is not happening. I try to initiate a conversation about things I see happening and he shuts me down immediately. I vow not to J-A-D-E what I say, so basically as soon as he turns defensive I drop the rope. So we get no where.
I am starting to finally realize that the only way things are going to change for me is if I make a change. If I don't want this life, than I need to make another one for myself, the way I want it. It is very scary to realize that I am not going to have the life I want with the person I want it with. But I cannot continue to live the way things are. I keep setting end dates for myself and then moving them further out because of fear. It is going to require me moving out, and I don't know if I can afford to stay in the city I am in currently. I love my home and my hometown and so I get a little angry that I will probably have to leave. I am trying to trust that when I need to leave, the place I need to go will appear. I look now and then, and there is nothing that really fits my criteria and price range. So, I am broadening my search. And trusting my HP will make the way clear.
Thank you for listening to my ramblings today.
Freetime said
Sep 20, 2017
Bethany, I remember being in the same situation, and starting to research where else I could live. Looking at the cost was a shocker. I just kept taking it one day at a time. HP had other plans for me.
Thoughts are with you. This, too, shall pass.
Jerry F said
Sep 20, 2017
(((((Bethany))))) what comes to mind for me readying your post along with the honest experience is "don't project"...stay in the moment and the day and keep in step with your sponsor and HP. I heard "don't discuss with an active alcoholic" and after a while I got it and stopped it. I saved a lot of time and energy when I did that which went over to what should I do for me? Not even professional physicians know what to do beyond an experienced Al-Anon spouse. Use your experience because that is most knowledgeable...including the "shut down tactics". This disease has blown over governments...how are we going to weaken it except by not participating.
Try your solutions out with your sponsors and your recovering friends and family and then continue to fix Bethany. ((((hugs)))) keep coming back.
Maresie25 said
Sep 20, 2017
I have definitely been in the mode of having people around me who did not understand.
In al anon we have a suggestion to make a plan b. That is to look at all you would need if you were to leave. That is the "if" button being there.
When I focused on the goal of making a plan b a lot of things started to change.
I cannot say I walked off in the sunset and had a great time. I had a tremendous amount of hardship for a long time.
For me personally that hardship is less than it would have been to stay with someone who was so hell bent on destroying himself.
No one can tell you "when" and 'How" but there are tools that help you along the way. The right kind of help is available you do not have to keep beating your head up and around people who do not understand.
Maresie.
mamalioness said
Sep 20, 2017
I agree with Jerry and all who say "don't discuss with the active alcoholic" AND definitely stay in the moment...don't project ahead...you don't know what is around the corner...just look at NOW and what I can do NOW....I remember when I left my AH#1...I NEVER thought I could "swing it" and I did..I drove around our city and i found a lady (landlord) with her 3 houses on a lot and I negotiated the smallest place there , work in lieu of rent till I could get my tax check...I just poured out my truth to her..I was leaving an abusive alcoholic and HAD to get out of there...she related to me and had compassion and I moved in that night.....We , if we trust our higher power within can do LOTS of things we never thought possible....research and ask others , ask friends and associates what they know about available affordable places...I would go to meets in the area and just ASK the others "hey this is my situation...any ideas???" where there is a will, there is a way.....now is the time to rely on your inner HP and your resources (friends, associates) and of course good ole google searches......I don't know your situation, but there is help, we just gotta get humble and reach out....I have accomplished some amazing stuff, relying on my highest within and asking around, researching on the net, etc...........Good look and wow!! you are brave to be taking this step, and I admit its scary at first, but oh man!!! the freedom and serenity and peace and just feeling FREE is worth all the work, etc...I remember my first night at my new "flat" and it was SMALL...I had to leave the room to change my mind, but it was MINE...I could soak in the tub as long as I wanted w/out insults from the A "when are you gonna be done??" and he didn't even bathe when drinking.....I could watch my tv in bed w/out hearing insults , cook whatever I wanted....go outside and walk around the yard w/out nasty remarks.....I can almost relate to a parolee on his first day out of prison....the little basic things that I could enjoy with excitement that others took for granted..like planting my little garden, getting my first dog and cat (she (Landlord) allowed me 1 dog and 1 cat) I added a bird , later, AFTER asking her about a cockateil, and she said "go for it" I had my critters to snuggle with in bed and I had FRIENDS be able to come over and sit in my little parlor with me and we could talk and laugh w/out worrying what the A would say to insult my friends.....YES!! I was out of prison and free....it was worth the hassle and fear I felt in making that big step.....
KT2015 said
Sep 20, 2017
Hi Bethany
I can completely relate to your post. I have a friend who is not in program but who's husband (I suspect) has an issue with alcohol. She keeps telling me how they had a problem but she just had to "explain" everything to him and "explain" how things are going to go and then all is better.....until two weeks later something similar pops up as a problem and then she is explaining again. I remember that cycle too. I wish I could sit my AH down and discuss things too but he's not going to see it either. Sometimes when my AH senses something is bothering me he has asked and I tell him directly without getting into a discussion. About a month ago I told him that I find it hard to come home from my meetings and find him in a state that he was in slurring repeating himself etc. I told him I didn't want to discuss it I just told him how I felt. He tried to change it, I saw him try not to get so intoxicated. It's sad for me too because I know my AH loves me and doesn't want me to leave. I know he hates the distance between us but he can't change it. It has too much of a hold on him. I've been investigating my options too. Mostly for me it's just to remind myself I have options and I am choosing to live with him at this moment. I dread the coming winter because my AH really seems to spiral down with his drinking and his mood dips so low in the winter. I'm just taking it one step at a time one day at a time and trying not to project too far into the future. Wishing you all the best!
el-cee said
Sep 20, 2017
I understand Bethany, if only 'normal' solutions would apply but they don't. Living with alcoholism presents us with a need to be much stronger than your average person, oh is that ego? maybe but sometimes I look around at my friends and work colleagues and feel like you know what you need a dose of alcoholism to help you break out of that tight narrow frame of mind.
What in this world would get us to put trust, the way you have, that whatever will be will be right for you? Sometimes I think God, I'm so lucky, I get to accept just about anything, trusting that its the right thing for me in the end. Thanks for the reminder to ask for help, and keep asking and giving it over each and every thing I can. Good luck Bethany, active drinking is too much for most of us and its okay to let it go.x
Iamhere said
Sep 20, 2017
(((Bethany))) - I so understand.....I love my friends dearly yet many just don't understand the insanity of alcoholism. I used to share with them and once I began recovery, I stopped. They offered logical answers and suggestions and advice to an illogical life. As I worked my recovery, I found a safer place to share where I could 'take what I liked and leave the rest'.
I love that recovery allows each of us to find the journey that fits us. I found my better path for living in my home and made it workable. Many others find their new path for living by leaving and finding a new home. There are no wrong answers and I have always loved the statement, "You will know when you know...."
So - breathe in, trust the program, the process and your own growth. I do believe that so long as I'm willing to do the work, the path and journey will continue to be lit up for me. I also feel grateful at times for my experience with the disease/recovery - I truly feel I could move a mountain if necessary and I did not have that level of courage or confidence when I arrived.
Sending you tons of positive thoughts and prayers. We are here for you as best we can be!
Sweetiemom said
Sep 20, 2017
Hi all, el-cee soooo hearing u. My best friend is my husband's best friend's wife, do you know how many times I had to listen to them negotiate how I could get him to stop drinking by being a better housewife Etc it's actually comical now but then it was really confusing and not at all helpful. Of course nothing really is clear-cut when living with an active AH. Thankfully he's been in recovery for three years and sober, which leads to some different problems ie well now that he is better just do what he wants and your marriage will work out. Not so comical now but maybe when I look back in 10 years it will be. smiles and hugs have a good night all
texas yankee said
Sep 21, 2017
The folks that are suggesting that you "talk it out" are well-meaning but ignorant - I don't talk about my son with ANYONE except my Al Anon friends - truly, they know how it is - other people have no freaking idea what's going on - so, if they ask how he is, or offer advice, I say "that situation is terrible and it causes me an immeasurable amount of pain and suffering all day every day - but what's new with you??"
Something else that I have to remind myself of constantly is that the untreated alcoholic is like the guy in some of those alien movies where they alien has taken control of someone - my son looks like my son, he sounds like my son, I love him, and I still have memories of him growing up like any other kid, but as of now, the disease is on control of his entire life - like the alien is in control of the human character in the movie.
Hang in there - ask your HP for strength and guidance.
I have so many well meaning friends who have little understanding of life with an active alcoholic. The most common piece of advice I hear is, "You should sit down and talk to him about his drinking and how it affects you". I just nod my head because they don't understand the situation at all. You cannot just sit down and talk it out with an alcoholic. They do not have the same perception of reality as the sober partner. They do not see the problem. They definitely don't see a need to go and obtain outside help. They believe they can control their drinking and that we are being over reactive and dramatic. Even if you can catch them in a sober place, they are still clouded by the extreme denial that comes with this disease. So having a conversation about how I feel, or what I want for myself and our relationship is not happening. I try to initiate a conversation about things I see happening and he shuts me down immediately. I vow not to J-A-D-E what I say, so basically as soon as he turns defensive I drop the rope. So we get no where.
I am starting to finally realize that the only way things are going to change for me is if I make a change. If I don't want this life, than I need to make another one for myself, the way I want it. It is very scary to realize that I am not going to have the life I want with the person I want it with. But I cannot continue to live the way things are. I keep setting end dates for myself and then moving them further out because of fear. It is going to require me moving out, and I don't know if I can afford to stay in the city I am in currently. I love my home and my hometown and so I get a little angry that I will probably have to leave. I am trying to trust that when I need to leave, the place I need to go will appear. I look now and then, and there is nothing that really fits my criteria and price range. So, I am broadening my search. And trusting my HP will make the way clear.
Thank you for listening to my ramblings today.
Thoughts are with you. This, too, shall pass.
(((((Bethany))))) what comes to mind for me readying your post along with the honest experience is "don't project"...stay in the moment and the day and keep in step with your sponsor and HP. I heard "don't discuss with an active alcoholic" and after a while I got it and stopped it. I saved a lot of time and energy when I did that which went over to what should I do for me? Not even professional physicians know what to do beyond an experienced Al-Anon spouse. Use your experience because that is most knowledgeable...including the "shut down tactics". This disease has blown over governments...how are we going to weaken it except by not participating.
Try your solutions out with your sponsors and your recovering friends and family and then continue to fix Bethany. ((((hugs)))) keep coming back.
I have definitely been in the mode of having people around me who did not understand.
In al anon we have a suggestion to make a plan b. That is to look at all you would need if you were to leave. That is the "if" button being there.
When I focused on the goal of making a plan b a lot of things started to change.
I cannot say I walked off in the sunset and had a great time. I had a tremendous amount of hardship for a long time.
For me personally that hardship is less than it would have been to stay with someone who was so hell bent on destroying himself.
No one can tell you "when" and 'How" but there are tools that help you along the way. The right kind of help is available you do not have to keep beating your head up and around people who do not understand.
Maresie.
I agree with Jerry and all who say "don't discuss with the active alcoholic" AND definitely stay in the moment...don't project ahead...you don't know what is around the corner...just look at NOW and what I can do NOW....I remember when I left my AH#1...I NEVER thought I could "swing it" and I did..I drove around our city and i found a lady (landlord) with her 3 houses on a lot and I negotiated the smallest place there , work in lieu of rent till I could get my tax check...I just poured out my truth to her..I was leaving an abusive alcoholic and HAD to get out of there...she related to me and had compassion and I moved in that night.....We , if we trust our higher power within can do LOTS of things we never thought possible....research and ask others , ask friends and associates what they know about available affordable places...I would go to meets in the area and just ASK the others "hey this is my situation...any ideas???" where there is a will, there is a way.....now is the time to rely on your inner HP and your resources (friends, associates) and of course good ole google searches......I don't know your situation, but there is help, we just gotta get humble and reach out....I have accomplished some amazing stuff, relying on my highest within and asking around, researching on the net, etc...........Good look and wow!! you are brave to be taking this step, and I admit its scary at first, but oh man!!! the freedom and serenity and peace and just feeling FREE is worth all the work, etc...I remember my first night at my new "flat" and it was SMALL...I had to leave the room to change my mind, but it was MINE...I could soak in the tub as long as I wanted w/out insults from the A "when are you gonna be done??" and he didn't even bathe when drinking.....I could watch my tv in bed w/out hearing insults , cook whatever I wanted....go outside and walk around the yard w/out nasty remarks.....I can almost relate to a parolee on his first day out of prison....the little basic things that I could enjoy with excitement that others took for granted..like planting my little garden, getting my first dog and cat (she (Landlord) allowed me 1 dog and 1 cat) I added a bird , later, AFTER asking her about a cockateil, and she said "go for it" I had my critters to snuggle with in bed and I had FRIENDS be able to come over and sit in my little parlor with me and we could talk and laugh w/out worrying what the A would say to insult my friends.....YES!! I was out of prison and free....it was worth the hassle and fear I felt in making that big step.....
I can completely relate to your post. I have a friend who is not in program but who's husband (I suspect) has an issue with alcohol. She keeps telling me how they had a problem but she just had to "explain" everything to him and "explain" how things are going to go and then all is better.....until two weeks later something similar pops up as a problem and then she is explaining again. I remember that cycle too. I wish I could sit my AH down and discuss things too but he's not going to see it either. Sometimes when my AH senses something is bothering me he has asked and I tell him directly without getting into a discussion. About a month ago I told him that I find it hard to come home from my meetings and find him in a state that he was in slurring repeating himself etc. I told him I didn't want to discuss it I just told him how I felt. He tried to change it, I saw him try not to get so intoxicated. It's sad for me too because I know my AH loves me and doesn't want me to leave. I know he hates the distance between us but he can't change it. It has too much of a hold on him. I've been investigating my options too. Mostly for me it's just to remind myself I have options and I am choosing to live with him at this moment. I dread the coming winter because my AH really seems to spiral down with his drinking and his mood dips so low in the winter. I'm just taking it one step at a time one day at a time and trying not to project too far into the future. Wishing you all the best!
I understand Bethany, if only 'normal' solutions would apply but they don't. Living with alcoholism presents us with a need to be much stronger than your average person, oh is that ego? maybe but sometimes I look around at my friends and work colleagues and feel like you know what you need a dose of alcoholism to help you break out of that tight narrow frame of mind.
What in this world would get us to put trust, the way you have, that whatever will be will be right for you? Sometimes I think God, I'm so lucky, I get to accept just about anything, trusting that its the right thing for me in the end. Thanks for the reminder to ask for help, and keep asking and giving it over each and every thing I can. Good luck Bethany, active drinking is too much for most of us and its okay to let it go.x
I love that recovery allows each of us to find the journey that fits us. I found my better path for living in my home and made it workable. Many others find their new path for living by leaving and finding a new home. There are no wrong answers and I have always loved the statement, "You will know when you know...."
So - breathe in, trust the program, the process and your own growth. I do believe that so long as I'm willing to do the work, the path and journey will continue to be lit up for me. I also feel grateful at times for my experience with the disease/recovery - I truly feel I could move a mountain if necessary and I did not have that level of courage or confidence when I arrived.
Sending you tons of positive thoughts and prayers. We are here for you as best we can be!
Something else that I have to remind myself of constantly is that the untreated alcoholic is like the guy in some of those alien movies where they alien has taken control of someone - my son looks like my son, he sounds like my son, I love him, and I still have memories of him growing up like any other kid, but as of now, the disease is on control of his entire life - like the alien is in control of the human character in the movie.
Hang in there - ask your HP for strength and guidance.