I am separated from my AH and, while I still get anxiety about the future, I am generally much happier. My departure triggered his decision to go to detox (a nightmare, he was in the hospital for a month) and then to a 28-day inpatient rehab stay. He gets out tomorrow and my daughter will drive the 2+ hours to pick him up and bring him home.
As this date gets nearer, my anxiety is climbing. I have mentioned on this board before that I feel guilty about being happier living away from him. The guilt is hitting me hard now because I know it will be tough for him to return to the house without me there. Selfishly, I don't want to feel guilty. Logically, I know that the guilt might make me do or say things to help him feel better and then damage both of us. I need to build my resilience and determination for what is ahead.
Any ESH you can share would be deeply appreciated.
Freetime said
Sep 20, 2017
Hi, Grateful, I understand the guilt about being happier living away from him, and the anxiety about him returning home. I felt the same when I put my late AH in a care home because I could no longer take care of him myself.
What helped me was to (1) surround myself with supportive people -- Al-Anon and family/friends who understood the situation, (2) realize that I deserved to focus on my own recovery -- I'd been wounded and needed to heal, and (3) dive into the Al-Anon program as if my life depended on it.
I had a therapist, and was diagnosed with "adjustment disorder" -- yeah, I was having difficulty adjusting to a horrible situation. The therapist was very helpful at the time. It was nice to have a name for my sickness.
I learned that there were other people who could "be there" for my husband ... his friends and family, and our children, so I didn't have to feel totally responsible for his happiness at this difficult time. The caregivers in the home were very kind. I only had to do the essentials that I was the only person who could handle, such as dealing with the doctors and the care home. Everything else was up to other people and his Higher Power.
Please know you are not alone, and come here whenever you need to reach out.
Maresie25 said
Sep 20, 2017
Not everyone relapses right out of the door on return from a program.
They are certainly given tools and ideas of what to do next.
I certainly know what it is to feel responsible for others. I have to work hard to hold boundaries and keep the focus on myself.
I know you can do this. You do not need to have to worry about what an other person is doing all the time.
Detaching under pressure is very hard. So that is why it is a good idea to get a lot of practice in for the hard times.
Detach when someone is late, detach when you have to wait a long time in the aisle at the grocery store. Build up that muscle.
Of course many of us detach in anger when we are confronted with someone who is so self destructive. However you detach, the good thing is to get out of feeling
responsible for someone else's life. There is no 'perfect" way to detach.
There is no contest either. No one is holding up cards on how you are managing this difficult situation. No one is perfect.
Maresie.
Iamhere said
Sep 20, 2017
(((Grateful))) - I totally hear you and understand. I love what's suggested - stick with supportive people and rely on your program/recovery tools....for me, this included my sponsor. I often found myself projecting also and needed to be reminded to stay in today, this very moment.
I needed constant reminders from others who were working recovery that his recovery/relapse/happiness/joy was not my responsibility. I had been the controlling caretaker of 'all things' for so long, it was an adjustment. Sticking with the winners really helped me + extra meetings. Each time I wanted to make contact to 'check up', I practiced, when in doubt, DON'T.
Sending you tons of positive thoughts and prayers for peace!!
Hi All,
I am separated from my AH and, while I still get anxiety about the future, I am generally much happier. My departure triggered his decision to go to detox (a nightmare, he was in the hospital for a month) and then to a 28-day inpatient rehab stay. He gets out tomorrow and my daughter will drive the 2+ hours to pick him up and bring him home.
As this date gets nearer, my anxiety is climbing. I have mentioned on this board before that I feel guilty about being happier living away from him. The guilt is hitting me hard now because I know it will be tough for him to return to the house without me there. Selfishly, I don't want to feel guilty. Logically, I know that the guilt might make me do or say things to help him feel better and then damage both of us. I need to build my resilience and determination for what is ahead.
Any ESH you can share would be deeply appreciated.
What helped me was to (1) surround myself with supportive people -- Al-Anon and family/friends who understood the situation, (2) realize that I deserved to focus on my own recovery -- I'd been wounded and needed to heal, and (3) dive into the Al-Anon program as if my life depended on it.
I had a therapist, and was diagnosed with "adjustment disorder" -- yeah, I was having difficulty adjusting to a horrible situation. The therapist was very helpful at the time. It was nice to have a name for my sickness.
I learned that there were other people who could "be there" for my husband ... his friends and family, and our children, so I didn't have to feel totally responsible for his happiness at this difficult time. The caregivers in the home were very kind. I only had to do the essentials that I was the only person who could handle, such as dealing with the doctors and the care home. Everything else was up to other people and his Higher Power.
Please know you are not alone, and come here whenever you need to reach out.
Not everyone relapses right out of the door on return from a program.
They are certainly given tools and ideas of what to do next.
I certainly know what it is to feel responsible for others. I have to work hard to hold boundaries and keep the focus on myself.
I know you can do this. You do not need to have to worry about what an other person is doing all the time.
Detaching under pressure is very hard. So that is why it is a good idea to get a lot of practice in for the hard times.
Detach when someone is late, detach when you have to wait a long time in the aisle at the grocery store. Build up that muscle.
Of course many of us detach in anger when we are confronted with someone who is so self destructive. However you detach, the good thing is to get out of feeling
responsible for someone else's life. There is no 'perfect" way to detach.
There is no contest either. No one is holding up cards on how you are managing this difficult situation. No one is perfect.
Maresie.
I needed constant reminders from others who were working recovery that his recovery/relapse/happiness/joy was not my responsibility. I had been the controlling caretaker of 'all things' for so long, it was an adjustment. Sticking with the winners really helped me + extra meetings. Each time I wanted to make contact to 'check up', I practiced, when in doubt, DON'T.
Sending you tons of positive thoughts and prayers for peace!!