A question was asked about enabling versus genuine loving support. After sleeping on this, this is what I feel about enabling versus genuine support and loving.
It is not helping my qualifier if I do things for him that he can (and should) do for himself. Instead, I diminish his capabilities. To enable means that I am helping to make the qualifier I am "helping" unable to manage his task or his life on his own. When I enable, I cross boundaries, reducing responsibilities, removing consequences, and cheating him of things adults need to learn in order to live (and love) life on their own. I stunt their growth. Enabling is providing a Means of escape from reality and life. I rob him of growth
So, unlike the past, I will not give in, hand out, set up, or fix up my qualifier's messes and catastrophes until I am worn out and bitter and burned out. . I will not help to leave my qualifier so unable to do his own life's tasks that he is unable to handle the business of running whatever is left of his life--after he's had years and years of my enabling. what happens to him if he never learns to rescue himself?? Or becomes so habitized of being rescued by me?? All I can (and should) do is help him to get the help he needs to help himself. That Is all and love and encourage him to keep moving forward That's where MY part stops
If he sneezes, I'm not the one who should grab a tissue. If he is able bodied, he should. By toting his life's knapsack, I am burdening my own tired back and causing his muscles to weaken due to non-use
-- Edited by mamalioness on Wednesday 20th of September 2017 07:45:13 AM
Lyne said
Sep 20, 2017
Sometimes I am a bit confused as to whether my support is actually enabling. Case in point, I asked my A if I could make an appt. for us to go together to see an addiction counselor. My A had drank and drove and I stated I would not live with this fear of her killing someone else. She agreed to go. The addiction center wanted to speak to her after speaking to me. 5 months later now, she has 5 months of sobriety and we are continuing in treatment, both separately and together. Was that enabling? I gave her the choice of my calling or not, and going with her so she did not feel like the "sick"one. After all, I have become sick as well, however steadily make progress with Alanon. Should I have just left her alone to kill herself or someone else? That's what I did in the past and she never learned or changed. It's a fine line sometimes, but I think worth exploring and thinking about, Lyne
hotrod said
Sep 20, 2017
I agree Lyne I t is very difficult to define "enabling" as it might manifest itself in our lives. That is why we do not give advise and urge members to look within , and listen to the small voice within. I did so , went to live with my son after he relapsed with over 13 years sobriety and 4 rehabs. His inablity to stop drinking became evident and I am grateful for the small voice within that urged me to act-- as I was there the night he passed.
Program tools work
milkwood said
Sep 20, 2017
Great topic Mama, and I really like the way you've described it and couldn't agree more.
And Lyne, I agree it can feel like a fine line but I think that what you describe seems more like stepping out of denial and showing a willingness to support alongside a respect for another person's choice.
Over the years my husband has had a couple of depressive episodes. I had no understanding of depression and my approach was more or less to let him get on with it while I got on with my stuff but of course the episodes would come back and they've caused quite a bit of disconnect between us.
Now my approach has changed. I don't ignore. I acknowledge what I'm seeing and then ask about a next step. There have been times relating to alcoholic behaviour when I've tried to force my will on an outcome and that felt really ghastly (for us both I expect ).
Iamhere said
Sep 20, 2017
I am so grateful that the program has given me 'shades of gray' thinking. Betty - your experience with your son mirrors one of a program friend of mine. He too listened to the small voice within, and was able to be present when his loved one passed from the disease.
I have witnessed this disease take great lovely people to the point of death and if I had not found serenity, empathy and shades of gray thinking, I might have been so rigid in my right-fighting, I would have missed my good-byes. The gift of unconditional love and acceptance allows me to consider each situation with grace and acceptance and do what I am guided to do by a loving God.
For me, there is an element of expectation tied to enabling where as when I am being of service, I am giving freely with no expectation.
mamalioness said
Sep 20, 2017
Lyne, I would have done the same...what you did was different IMHO.....I don't think giving them the choice of me calling or not to get help is enabling.....and the "grey" thinking should come into play on any situation....I am not black and white anymore...what I described above was just a "general" guideline so to speak......
mamalioness said
Sep 20, 2017
(((((((((((((Betty)))))))))))))) I agree....I look WITHIN me....and ya know??? since I have been practicing staying in the now, more, I "hear" that voice more....I am so glad you went to live with your son and could be with him when he passed....I was just giving a "general" esh on the topic......I used to be so black and white....the pendulum swung waaaay right or waaay left...now it kinda sways in the middle, where I can "change my mind" if I want to or shift gears and do a different approach........I kinda take things on a case to case basis....and I find myself a lot more flexible....my general, above, is for the real obvious stuff like my A brother would get drunk and not pay his cell phone...I began to refuse to pay his bill..this was long ago....and I knew how much he depended on his phone...i cut him off....he began to realize that "hey....sister is not gonna pay my cell...I better pay it up front BEFORE i get drunk" and that is what he does.......there are some things that are kinda "yea, this is a slam dunk" and then you have the "grey area" stuff where I have to search my heart, listen to my HP within me go from there with NO expectations......but MY bottom line is to "Mostly" let them suffer the consequences of their deeds.....then Lyne did the calling to make an appt. to see a Councillor, I would have done the same thing...I don't see that as enabling..I see that as prudent and wise move to possibly prevent a tragedy and/or we need help or we may not last together sort of thing........so yea, grey is a good color for me now....I have applied it many times since I have become more flexible....that said, I do believe for the most part, what we reap , we must sow, otherwise lessons never get learned.....
I am glad I did this thread...GREAT shares, everyone....I love to be made to think, LOL
A question was asked about enabling versus genuine loving support. After sleeping on this, this is what I feel about enabling versus genuine support and loving.
It is not helping my qualifier if I do things for him that he can (and should) do for himself. Instead, I diminish his capabilities. To enable means that I am helping to make the qualifier I am "helping" unable to manage his task or his life on his own. When I enable, I cross boundaries, reducing responsibilities, removing consequences, and cheating him of things adults need to learn in order to live (and love) life on their own. I stunt their growth. Enabling is providing a Means of escape from reality and life. I rob him of growth
So, unlike the past, I will not give in, hand out, set up, or fix up my qualifier's messes and catastrophes until I am worn out and bitter and burned out. . I will not help to leave my qualifier so unable to do his own life's tasks that he is unable to handle the business of running whatever is left of his life--after he's had years and years of my enabling. what happens to him if he never learns to rescue himself?? Or becomes so habitized of being rescued by me?? All I can (and should) do is help him to get the help he needs to help himself. That Is all and love and encourage him to keep moving forward That's where MY part stops
If he sneezes, I'm not the one who should grab a tissue. If he is able bodied, he should. By toting his life's knapsack, I am burdening my own tired back and causing his muscles to weaken due to non-use
-- Edited by mamalioness on Wednesday 20th of September 2017 07:45:13 AM
Program tools work
And Lyne, I agree it can feel like a fine line but I think that what you describe seems more like stepping out of denial and showing a willingness to support alongside a respect for another person's choice.
Over the years my husband has had a couple of depressive episodes. I had no understanding of depression and my approach was more or less to let him get on with it while I got on with my stuff but of course the episodes would come back and they've caused quite a bit of disconnect between us.
Now my approach has changed. I don't ignore. I acknowledge what I'm seeing and then ask about a next step. There have been times relating to alcoholic behaviour when I've tried to force my will on an outcome and that felt really ghastly (for us both I expect
I have witnessed this disease take great lovely people to the point of death and if I had not found serenity, empathy and shades of gray thinking, I might have been so rigid in my right-fighting, I would have missed my good-byes. The gift of unconditional love and acceptance allows me to consider each situation with grace and acceptance and do what I am guided to do by a loving God.
For me, there is an element of expectation tied to enabling where as when I am being of service, I am giving freely with no expectation.
Lyne, I would have done the same...what you did was different IMHO.....I don't think giving them the choice of me calling or not to get help is enabling.....and the "grey" thinking should come into play on any situation....I am not black and white anymore...what I described above was just a "general" guideline so to speak......
(((((((((((((Betty)))))))))))))) I agree....I look WITHIN me....and ya know??? since I have been practicing staying in the now, more, I "hear" that voice more....I am so glad you went to live with your son and could be with him when he passed....I was just giving a "general" esh on the topic......I used to be so black and white....the pendulum swung waaaay right or waaay left...now it kinda sways in the middle, where I can "change my mind" if I want to or shift gears and do a different approach........I kinda take things on a case to case basis....and I find myself a lot more flexible....my general, above, is for the real obvious stuff like my A brother would get drunk and not pay his cell phone...I began to refuse to pay his bill..this was long ago....and I knew how much he depended on his phone...i cut him off....he began to realize that "hey....sister is not gonna pay my cell...I better pay it up front BEFORE i get drunk" and that is what he does.......there are some things that are kinda "yea, this is a slam dunk" and then you have the "grey area" stuff where I have to search my heart, listen to my HP within me go from there with NO expectations......but MY bottom line is to "Mostly" let them suffer the consequences of their deeds.....then Lyne did the calling to make an appt. to see a Councillor, I would have done the same thing...I don't see that as enabling..I see that as prudent and wise move to possibly prevent a tragedy and/or we need help or we may not last together sort of thing........so yea, grey is a good color for me now....I have applied it many times since I have become more flexible....that said, I do believe for the most part, what we reap , we must sow, otherwise lessons never get learned.....
I am glad I did this thread...GREAT shares, everyone....I love to be made to think, LOL